


Kingdom Come Undone

by secretpen28



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 144,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27862069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretpen28/pseuds/secretpen28
Summary: When Emily and Alison's eyes meet across a crowded banquet hall, neither of them know their connection or future impact on one another. A completely AU story. T for lang. Updated every Sunday and Thursday!
Relationships: Alison DiLaurentis/Emily Fields
Kudos: 26





	1. Kingdom Come Undone

I knew her like you know a dream. Simultaneously knowing everything and nothing all at once. A face I could recognize in a crowd as easily as it could fade into the masses. A smile that imprinted itself into my fantasies and also my nightmares. She both haunted and transcended me. She felt a part of me from first sight despite not knowing anything about her. But as soon as her eyes hit mine from across the room, I knew that I would be nothing without her. Without making my dreams a reality.

Her curled up-do hit my eyes first. The nape of her neck angled and arched in a way that begged for company. She tilted her head toward conversation, mimicking the laughter swirling around her. I was caught between the luxury of her giggle and the dip in the back of her red gown flush against her skin. I imagined her smile, as the glow from the chandeliers above reflected off her earrings that dangled delicately. Her grin had no other option but to shine just as bright. I prayed for her turn toward me, for the actuality of her beauty to exceed my idea of it. I followed the zipper of her dress against her skin as I lifted my martini for another sip. The sharpness of the gin hit my lips as her body turned 90 degrees. Her jawline hit the back of my throat at the same time as my drink, gasping for air as her red lipstick took my breath away. The strapless gown appeared to float across the floor behind her as I could only assume the angel in front of me was destined to float as well. Someone called out the name of the man she was speaking to, causing her eyes to flit closer toward my sight line.

Blue.

A color of usual despair now a symbol of hope for my imagined future. Her hand extended to make acquaintance of the man approaching the conversation and though her smile appeared sincere, it quickly faded as the men promptly continued speaking without her. She sighed, rolling her eyes as she continued to rotate away from them. Spinning until... there she was.

I straightened my back as I took her all in. Shorter than me, but with more confidence which I thought evened us out nicely. Her eyes flit around the room searching for newfound company. So I waited for her eyes to linger over mine. I looked down, delaying eye contact until I felt her eyes pause. I adjusted my glance just as her eyes scanned my exposed neckline. She swept them up to my face as I attempted to take a drink nonchalantly, smiling through my sip as her cerulean irises reached mine. She blinked, looking me up and down shamelessly. Raising my glass politely, I nodded my head her way before spinning back to the bar.

"Could I take another martini and a white wine?"

"Tab for the hard alcohol?"

"Fields." I replied, passing another $5 bill as a tip his way.

Perfectly shaped nails intercepted the bill, as the voice matching the laugh I previously heard reached my ears, "Paul, feel free to put her tab onto mine." She nodded to the bartender before fully facing me. "Hi..."

From my peripheral vision, I watched her gulp despite her air of confidence. I grazed my pinky finger over hers to slide the bill out from her grasp, "A tip, for you. Paul..."

"Thank you, Ms. Fields. Your martini." He inhaled, turning to her, "And I assume your wine, ma'am."

"Hmm?" I heard her voice shake beneath her lilt as she picked up the glass, "Charming, are you?"

I put on my slyest smile while facing her, "Close. I'm Emily. Noticed you getting low as we made eye contact back there."

"Emily..." My name read like a poem across her lips. I pinched the inside of my wrist as she continued, "Thank you. Hoping that I would come over here, were you?"

I shrugged, looking directly into her eyes as I replied, "I was planning on coming to you actually, but you took it easy on me."

"What can I say? You turning away from my smile had me puzzled. What brings you to the event tonight?" She started walking for the tables nearby as I followed close behind.

"I'm close to one of the donors." I sat on my left hip so that my body would still be facing hers, wondering how much of myself to give away. "And you?"

"I guess I could say that same... This." She pointed wildly around the room. "All arranged by my father."

The pieces began falling in place in front of me as she met my eyes again to read my face, "Ah, it's great what your dad is doing for Johns Hopkins." She nodded apprehensively as I continued, "It's my first year attending, and I'm impressed by the variety of people from Philadelphia that are in attendance."

"He's a very connected man, yes. Over the past few years, this gala has grown into one of the biggest fundraisers their cancer center has each year." She smiled while looking to the side, as if conjuring up a memory, "It's been great to watch it grow."

"I'm honored to have somehow fallen into a conversation with Kenneth DiLaurentis' daughter my first year here. And yet, I still have no idea who you are."

"I mean, there's not much to know. Your look across the room at me just left me... intrigued."

"No, I meant your name."

She chuckled, "Right. I'm sorry; I'm not used to coming to this and people not knowing who I am implicitly." She held out her hand, "I'm Alison. It's nice to meet you, Emily."

"You, as well. I was hoping you might want to dance with me."

"Dance?" Her eyebrow cocked while reaching for her glass. She looked around the room toward the dance floor. "I'm not sure if here is the best – "

I shuddered, as my lips pursed, " – did I misread something?"

"No!" she interjected, her hand reaching for my leg, "Not at all. I mean, you're stunning. I just... fuck." She looked away, tucking a fallen piece of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"Is your wife hiding around a corner or something somewhere?" I placed my hand on top of hers, circling my finger as soon as we touched.

"Not a terrible guess, there. My ex, actually."

"Ah..." I let my hand go, "On a break or something?" I leaned onto my palm propped up on the table with my elbow, staring at the woman seemingly slipping from my grasp.

"You could say that; we're divorced."

"Divorced and yet she still is hung up on you? I can't say that I blame her, but I think that publicly dancing might be the perfect way to show her – "

" – him." She corrected, watching my eyes for reaction.

"Okay, him." I replied quietly, hoping for it not to come off too surprised. "It might be the perfect way to show _him_ that you're moving on."

"I'm not nervous about him, Emily." Her smile made me swoon again. "He's an old family friend, and it's been a few years. It's more so that everyone else here is used to seeing me with men... if you know what I mean."

Her eyes searched mine once again for understanding. I found her honesty refreshing. She spoke with a directness and candor that I appreciated. A candor that typically is not found in people in their early thirties, though I assumed her age directly from my own. Divorced before 35? Either their relationship was too toxic or moved too hastily for longevity. She sucked on the inside of her bottom lip realizing that she had confided in a perfect stranger about a hell of a lot of her past.

"Sorry. I'm not sure why I just told you all of that."

"It's not an issue. Any of it." I leaned forward to barely a whisper, "You do know that two women can dance at a party without a romantic assumption behind it though, right?"

"I do." She bit her lip, staring back up at me. "Can I think on it?"

I stood without a second thought, leaning forward to kiss her cheek, "Come and find me whenever you're ready. As I said earlier, it was nice to meet you, Alison. I loved every moment of it."

Exhaling consciously for the first time since I felt her breath on the back of my next, my heart ached for a second chance at winning her over. Had I not been vocal enough? Had I been too vocal? Should I have played my cards another way? Should I have played my cards at all? It wasn't often that I found someone worth the limited time I had at my disposal. And Alison... well, Alison was breathtaking to say the least. From her first 'Hi', I was counting away the minutes I could reserve solely for her. The minutes I only wished for her. It had been a long time since I had been captivated. Since I had been –

"Emily!" I snapped out of my thoughts hearing her voice about twenty steps back as I glanced over my shoulder. Barely turning, she chugged her wine in one swift swig. "Wait."

My eye upturned meeting her face as she shyly signaled 'come here' with her finger. I made her wait for it as I slowly walked back to her, "Sorry, I didn't hear you say anything?" I smiled, letting her know that I was teasing for her to make the second first move.

"Dance with me? Please?" she connected her hands with mine, looking at me endearingly.

I blushed. "That quick of a turnaround, huh?"

"My stomach dropped watching you walk away, and it made me think... What do I have to lose?"

For her, I figured that I would be willing to lose it all. Time. Control. My way. "I'll put it this way... You've been the highlight of my evening since I saw you over thirty minutes ago, Alison. I'd lose those precious minutes over and over again for even an ounce of time with you."

She bent her head to looking at me more closely, "Where did you come from, Emily?"

"Originally? A little town outside of San Antonio." I held out my arm for her hold as we walked toward the dance floor.

"You know what I mean."

"I don't tend to get out much. I try to make the most of events like these." We sauntered to a corner near the side of the dance floor where I gently placed one hand on her hip before reaching for her hand. Her hand settled on my shoulder and in mine as we began swaying, "So when I saw a gorgeous woman across the room, I knew I had to at least try."

"You mean me?" she gasped, pointing to herself jokingly before continuing, "I understand what you're saying though. I don't get out much either. It's hard when... you get out of your twenties. Meeting new people seems overwhelming."

"Completely. Speaking of, tell me more about you. Outside of tonight, I mean."

"Well, I've grown up my whole life here. I turned 31 in June, and I work for my father's foundation doing the accounting and books and stuff. I'm able to mostly work from home which is convenient to say the least. Umm... I got divorced over 3 years ago. Carter, my ex, is great; the timing and circumstances just weren't. I see him often, and we're friendly which I appreciate considering our families have been close friends for so long. My life has slowed down a lot from 5 or 6 years ago, and I'm getting to the point where I think I can finally enjoy it again. Does that make sense?"

"Definitely. In my twenties, I thought that I was supposed to have it all together. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. Like I said earlier, I grew up in Texas. My father was in the military, and we were stationed there for most of my life. I went to Austin for school and recently moved up here for work. I work in specialized research and am finally where I have wanted to be for a long time. I'm 31, too. I turn 32 next month, and it's been years since I've even remotely put myself out there. So this, and you, are a lovely surprise."

"You're still incredibly enchanting for not putting yourself out there for years." Alison laughed, her head falling into my shoulder which took my breath away once again, "Can I ask why? Or is that too personal?"

"No, not at all." I inhaled having not wanting to get into it tonight, but this was different. She was different. "I was focused on school. Earlier when I said that I work in specialized research, I was being intentionally evasive. You see..."

"Emily!" I tightened my shoulders, hearing my colleagues voice behind me. On his arm was his visibly pregnant wife, smiling and already extending her hand. "I'm so happy I was able to find you in this crowd."

Alison let go of my neck as we now stood awkwardly side-by-side. I placed my hand on her back in attempts to comfort her as I silently apologized with my eyes before turning on further charm.

"Emmanuel, it's so good to see you. This must be your wife!"

He reached forward to place his hand on my forearm as his wife and I shook hands, "Yes, Dominique, this is who I've been telling you about. Dr. Emily Fields. The brightest and up and coming name in cancer pathology research at Johns Hopkins."

Dominique began speaking as I watched Alison's eyes grow larger next to me, "Emmanuel has raved about you ever since you started last month. He has been so impressed with your talent and ideas. He didn't mention you had such a gorgeous wife though."

Alison interjected, "Oh no, we're not... I'm not. I mean, I'm Alison. Alison DiLaurentis. My father is Ken, who is running the gala for... well, I guess for your program! Right, Em?"

"Right." I nodded, swallowing deeply. "Alison, this is Dr. Emmanuel Onyeke and his wife, Dominique. He's my colleague and supervisor in the pathology center."

"Pathology..." she muttered. I could feel her pulling away next to me without the ability to edit the scenario in my attempt to remain cordial.

"You know, can I come find you both a little later? Alison and I were just about to go and spend some time... alone on the balcony." It came out as more of a question as they both looked at us with concern in their eyes. "It was a pleasure to meet you Dominique, and I would love to discuss our research from yesterday further, Dr. Onyeke. We just – "

"Completely understood. You two enjoy your evening. See you both in a bit." Emmanuel turned toward his wife to wrap her in his arms as Alison quickly began walking away from me.

"Alison, are you okay?"

Her eyes were moving rapidly back and forth as she visibly tried to calm herself down, "Doctor?"

"Well, not exactly. I do have a Ph.D., but I'm not a practicing physician if that's what you mean."

"So when you said you were close to one of the donors? That was a lie? One of the first things you said to me... was a lie?"

I reached for her hand to explain, "Since I've arrived here, everything has been about 'the next great Doctor of Pathology', so I just wanted to blend in tonight. I had no idea who you were when I said that. I wanted a night to just be..." She began wringing her hands, taking a step backward from me, "Alison, I'm sorry. I didn't know that this would be such a big deal. I was about to tell you."

"It's not that..." I stared at her in confusion, trying to link our hands, "Okay, it is that, but not for the reason you – I don't. Emily, I don't know you. I can't; I don't think I can do this."

She shook my hand off as I replied, "Do what, Alison? This is usually how it works when you're trying to get to know someone, right?"

"This isn't going to work. I'm sorry." She reached forward giving me a small hug, "I thought I was ready, but I – I'm sorry. I can't."

"Okay... I understand. I don't know what happened. But okay, Alison. Whatever you want."

Without ever turning back to look at me, she walked swiftly down the hallway of the ballroom leading to the front of the country club as I stood completely dumbfounded and soul crushed.

I knew her like you know a dream. Simultaneously knowing everything and nothing all at once. A face I could recognize in a crowd as easily as it could fade into the masses. A smile that imprinted itself into my fantasies and also my nightmares. She both haunted and transcended me. She felt a part of me from first sight despite not knowing anything about her. But as soon as her eyes hit mine from across the room, I knew that I would be nothing without her. Without making my dreams a reality.

But in the blink of an eye, my reality had faded back to a dream, and I had no idea why.

* * *

**A/N: This story is currently in progress and chapters are taking me 1.5 - 2 weeks to write, so there's a chance we WILL catch up. Due to this though, this story will only update ONCE A WEEK on Thursdays!  
**

**If this is your first story of mine that you're reading on this site, I do have 2 other completed stories on this site "More Like Her" and "Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams", as well as another story in progress called "Turn My Face" that updates Tuesdays and Fridays. Go check them out if you're interested! :)**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this intro! See you all next week!**

**\- secretpen28**


	2. Mine To Lose

**Disclaimer: I know it's hard to believe, but I am NOT a doctor. So in this chapter when Emily is describing things about her job... that comes from like 20 minutes of research, not a Ph.D, so be gracious. Maybe? Or feel free to correct me, and I'll do my best to make it incorporate. Idk. Just wanted to make it abundantly clear that I am in no way qualified to be writing paragraphs of cancer research or genetics, and yet chose to do so anyway. Haha.**

* * *

Our conversation went over like a nightmare. And as it replayed in my imagination, my eyes shot open multiple times throughout the night trying to retrace where I went wrong. Was it the lie or was it what I was lying about? My fingers massaged through my scalp as the small curls from my disheveled hair shaped around my fatigued face. Her face as she walked away forever imprinted. Her eyebrows signaled confusion and hurt, while her eyes screamed dreadful memories meeting her present. Her sunken dimples once mesmerized by our conversation, disappeared into the crowd around us. I had hurt her without attempt. I had impeded our future before it had even begun.

My mind wracking for answers, I waded downstairs in the twilight of night to cuddle into the corner of my sofa. The bright light from my iPad hit my dark brown eyes, forcing them to briefly close as they adjusted to the black around me. My Google search for 'Alison DiLaurentis' returned minimal results, but it took my breath away to see her face again. Clicking through to her LinkedIn page, I waded through her work history. Minimal work experience filled the page between her receiving her Masters at 24 and joining her father's foundation at 28. I wanted to fill the gaps. I wanted to know the nuances that made her... her. She lived a much more glamorous life than I did, probably due to her family's wealth. But that isn't what fascinated me about her. It was the way she appeared forever open and yet forever closed off. The way that she gave little away about herself in person or online. There was no apparent link to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. No desire to be in the limelight other than the events in which she was thrust into the conversation. She preferred to be known amongst the shadows.

I knew the feeling well. The past few months had been a whirlwind of all of my least favorite social outcomes. I went from relatively unknown to a new name in medicine. It would be overwhelming, to say the least, for anyone who chose to search my name in the middle of the night. Startling to Alison for sure. I met her six hours before and was already anticipating her emotions and deeply desiring to help regulate any misconceived notions gathered from the copious press releases flooded with my name. I wished I could tell her my story without the introduction of the outside world. I wished that when you searched 'Dr. Emily Fields' or even plainly 'Emily Fields' that my photo didn't appear. Not that it wasn't an excellent photo, but I spent my life seeking anonymity, hiding behind books and explanations of mitochondrial fission in cancer cells to escape from the pressures of the world around me. It was surreal to see.

_Emily Fields, M.D., Ph.D., Cancer Genetics and Epigenetics, Co-Lead Researcher in Pathology and Mutation at The Sidney Kimmel Comprehensive Cancer Center for Johns Hopkins Medicine_

I hadn't yet learned how to lead with that mouthful. How do you announce your well-earned accomplishments while remaining humble? How do you project your intelligence without belittling the gorgeous woman in front of you? How do you ensure that she sees you as enough of yourself before realizing that the event you met her at directly impacts your work day to day? I may never learn. Because beyond someone who worked incredibly hard to be where they're at, I was simply someone who never learned how to feel comfortable in the ever-growing world around me.

It's not that I was a prodigy. Or even a genius. I was a woman who worked hard from the word 'Go.' Who invested every waking hour into being better than I was the day before. I received a full-ride to the University of Texas at Austin purely because of my SAT scores. From there, my Bachelor of Science in Biology with emphasis in Cell and Molecular Biology, combined with my extensive research experience made me a shoe-in for UT's Medical Branch programming. I met the right people at the right time and receiving a M.D. – Ph.D. in Experimental Pathology at the exact time Johns Hopkins lead researcher was in the planning stages of retirement was fate. Working underneath Dr. Huang, one of the most prolific researchers in the nation, during his sabbatical research project in Austin changed my life and put my name on the short-list for my current role. One of the youngest in the field, I relished in every moment spent building cohesive reports for cancer patients and making strides toward potential genetic and epigenetic links that could be found in the research for years to come.

But you can't open with that. You can't overwhelm someone you have every intention of spending meaningful time with. But because I omitted the truth. Because I sat on the heaviness of my profession, I put forward a façade that led to her current distrust. I couldn't blame her. Having to deal with someone in your life who dealt in the world of cancer research on a daily basis wasn't exactly what everyone wants to come home to at night. It's overwhelming and difficult to sort through. It's never ending, and my brain swarms at night wondering which aspects and portions of eviscerated tissue I may have missed.

But staring at Alison's photo early Sunday morning made my mind go blank. She quelled my thoughts and stopped the rapid nature of them in their tracks. Because I looked at her and saw someone worth risking everything I spent the past 13 years striving for. I saw a woman who knew nothing about me but pulled me closer as she laughed. I saw her blue eyes staring endearingly into mine when I closed them to recall a memory. I saw hands of fate from San Antonio to Austin to Baltimore to Philadelphia string together in a perfect pathway toward her arms. I saw a future that I hadn't seen in years.

Sunday felt empty. It faded from inconsequential to forgettable. The only constant was Alison. I smiled, reliving her 'Hi' over and over again, remembering the feeling of her hand on mine as we danced. The way her eyes glimmered beneath the radiance of the light above us as we swayed. The questions I wanted to ask her until the end of time echoing through my mind as if reverberating off memories I couldn't yet access. I needed to figure out how to reach out to her and apologize again. I needed her to know that her impression of me could be shaped. That I was learning how to address my new-found success. That all I needed was patience. Because I intended to give her all the time in the world

* * *

Walking into work on Monday felt bigger. The gala had gone extremely well, and everyone in the corridors lit up discussing the portions of funding that were headed their way due to the DiLaurentis' and other donor's contributions. Hearing her last name repeated while walking to the Pathology Department reminded me that she was inescapable. She would be stuck with me until I saw her again.

As I got closer to my office near the lab, I caught eyes with Dalton, the assistant Dr. Onyeke, I, and other pathologists shared to relay phone calls, conferences, etc. our way throughout the day. He had quickly become a favorite of mine in the office because of his young effervescence to continuously do well. It was apparent that he was learning more about pathology the longer he worked for us and had a desire to be as educated as he could be about the topic without obtaining multiple degrees. For as endearing as he was though, being alone a majority of the day while we were in labs and meetings, made it so Dalton spoke extremely quickly and without much understanding of the copious amounts of facts filling our brains.

"Dr. Fields!" he announced from his desk, standing with a smile, "I'm so happy that you came this way before heading to the labs today! I meant to reach out to you yesterday to ask about the gala. Did it go well?"

"It was eventful..." my voice trailed as he continued speaking past my short phrase.

"It's funny you say that! Part of me is happy that I didn't reach out because my question was more than abundantly answered for me as I walked in this morning. Did you know we could even receive deliveries when the building is closed? I had no idea that anyone even had access past the – "

"Dalton, remember what we discussed a few weeks ago?"

"Yes, Dr. Fields." He remarked, jotting down a note on the journal he continuously carried with him, "Get to the point. But I think you'll understand as soon as you enter your..." he trailed as I turned the corner, "...office."

And that's because at least 20 bouquets of white and light pink lilies and tulips coated my desk and spilled out onto the floor. The smell hit me before image in front of me. I delicately picked where to step on the faint openings in the carpet between bouquets.

"So, eventful, huh?" Dalton asked from behind me as I reached my seat.

I smiled to appease him, but he soon got the message when no words followed. Sitting in one of the vases was a simple enclosed card.

**_I walked away before remembering my own words. Sorry for letting you go twice in one evening. 610-555-8240_ **

**_What do you have to lose?_ **

There was no name, but my heart still dropped into my stomach. Had her Sunday felt just as empty? Were my words cascading through her thoughts without warning? The alarm on my Apple Watch began ringing, signaling 5 minutes until our first meeting of the day. But before I stepped back out into the hallway, I stopped to press my nose against one of the lilies and inhaled. She must have Googled me after all.

* * *

My meetings dragged on until just before lunch. The anxiety of waiting was more nerve-wrecking than the call itself. My fingers hovered over the numbers of my phone. I hoped that I could hold it together long enough to see what she wanted. I hoped that the confidence I spent dozens of minutes building on Saturday to even consider approaching her in the first place was still there.

The phone rang twice before I heard her voice, "This is Alison." She was smiling. She was happy.

"Hi..." I repeated her first words to me right back, wanting her to pick up some of the slack.

"Emily. I imagine you got the flowers then?" I wished she was in front of me. That I could see her dimples on full display.

"I did. Thank you for them. They're all very beautiful."

She coughed, briefly clearing her throat, "I know what I said when I last left you, and you had every right to not reach out to me. So, please know that I appreciate you calling. But I couldn't sleep on Saturday night, and our entire exchange just stuck with me because it felt... Ugh. I don't know. I've honestly been trying to plan my words for the past day and a half, and I'm still fumbling. I'm sorry, I don't have to often – "

"You're fine. It's fine, Alison." She didn't need to explain. I was ready to start from wherever she was. In whatever capacity.

"Anyways, I reached out to my father on Sunday to pull a few strings in order to get those flowers to you by this morning. And I know what I said, but I've thought about our conversation every second since. So, I know I said that I couldn't because I didn't know you. But Emily, I'd like to get to know you, if you'd let me."

"That was all I wanted on Saturday... so is me being a doctor okay now?"

"No, I need to explain that. Could I do this in person though? Like coffee sometime this week?"

I let the question linger over the line. Though desperation seeped from my pores, I couldn't give myself away that easily, "Of course. Coffee sounds great."

"Great, how about tomorrow afternoon? I'll come to you."

"You know that's nearly a two hour drive, right?"

"I do. I figured it was the least I could do... Consider it another olive branch." she made me smile without trying. I wondered if she could sense it in my words.

"Even with the flowers?"

"Yes, Emily. Even with the flowers. So, does tomorrow work?"

"If you're going to make the effort to drive down here, I can definitely make that work. 5:30?"

She agreed with a short acknowledgement in her voice. Then, she hesitated, "And Emily? It's great to hear your voice."

"Yours, too. I really thought that you were just going to be one of those girls that got away."

"Well, let's see if we can't fix that." Was it possible to visibly swoon? Because it was happening before I could tell myself to stop. "Tomorrow at 5:30. You pick the place, and I'll meet you there."

"See you tomorrow."

I squealed as I hung up the phone, elated at even the prospect of being in her presence once again.

* * *

When I stepped into the coffee shop just after 5:30 the next day, she stood up at the back and waved. My feet stopped in their tracks seeing her for the first time outside of a formal setting. She wore a skirt with a short-sleeved blue blouse that matched her eyes. Though not as curled as Saturday, there were loose waves flowing through her hair. Her makeup was delicate though obviously done. But through all of that was the same smile that blew me away three days earlier.

My hands worked diligently to push out any wrinkles that may have formed on my black and white houndstooth-patterned dress. I shrugged, walking toward her, unsure of every choice I had made before coming here this afternoon.

"I'm so happy you found it okay!" I broke the ice, bringing her in for a hug.

Her lips traced my cheek as she squeezed my forearms for support. "Thank you for picking a spot with great parking. I was afraid that I might have to drive around for ages, so I got here early."

"Of course. You look amazing... again." I smiled, reaching to push my hair behind my ear, but finding nothing hanging down for me to reach for. "My hair! So sorry! I meant to put this down before coming in. Lab protocol, you know?"

She stopped my hand before it could reach my ponytail, "It looks great, Emily. Don't worry about it. I knew that lab remnants were a part of the deal when I asked you to meet me during the work week." She reached for her wallet before continuing, "Should we grab something to drink? It's on me."

"Sounds great." We stood side by side in line waiting for our turn to order, a comfortable yet simultaneously awkward silence falling between us.

"I assume that's formaldehyde?" she smiled up at me, obviously not meaning to be rude or pry.

I laughed, embarrassed once again, "Forgot the perfume too. Sorry about that; it's not something that even registers in my head anymore."

"Please stop apologizing." Her hand grabbed mine in between each other.

She allowed her hand to sit on mine a few seconds too long before pulling away for us to order. We waited, catching up on her drive down to Baltimore before grabbing our coffees and sitting back down at our table. I noted her order to retain for all-time. Vanilla Latte.

I loved her smirk already. It was knowing like keeping a secret, but intriguing enough that I wanted to ask her any and every question passing before me. "So, Doctor?" she mused, "How did you become 'the nation's youngest and biggest name in pathology' by the age of 31?"

I nodded, sipping down my coffee, "You did look me up then?" I smiled at her flattery, "Just working for the right people at the right time, I guess."

"Don't sell yourself short, Emily. I read the article The Baltimore Sun published at the start of the year. I had to look up half of the words you said and yet, you're going to sit here in front of me shrugging to say this was all luck?"

"Hard work and luck, yes." I paused, taking in her simplistic beauty. I realized her eyes glowed no matter the light she was in. Her eyelashes were unreasonably long and flickered at the slightest compliment. And her smile was ever-present. She lived in the moment of our conversation, and I was instantly enamored with her from head to toe. "I'd love to get into why you really rushed away from me on Saturday... It caught me off-guard in a way that I haven't been in a very long time."

"Right." she crossed her feet, closing her body off to me subconsciously, "I did promise you that. First, I was just incredibly caught off guard by the entire conversation. I mean, for a doctor, you don't seem..."

"Stuffy? Distracted? Brilliant?"

She laughed. My first earned laugh. It lit a fire beneath me. I wanted to earn her every giggle. I wanted to hold her earnestness in the palms of my hands, "No. It's that you didn't seem pre-occupied with your work. You were trying to get to know me, see me, and hear me. It's not something I had expected. Second, you were right in the middle of telling me, and part of me was sad that we had been interrupted. But most importantly, I guess..." she exhaled, looking around the coffee shop grasping for a life saver, "Umm, my father started our foundation after cancer hit very close to our home. I guess that's the best way to put it without going into the gritty details of it all. But it threw me off because I never saw myself having to deal with that again. You know what I mean? There's only so much cancer talk that you can absorb in life, and I thought I had already hit my quota. But then, there was you."

"There was me."

"And you're gorgeous and captivating and interested in me. And my mind was already heading so many different directions, only to have it side-swiped by the fact that letting you in means letting your job in. It means opening old wounds and heartache that I'm not sure I'm ready to open up again."

"I understand that, and I'm sorry to hear it. I am prepared to listen to as much or as little of your family's story as you feel comfortable sharing with me. I do have to be upfront with you though; my job _is_ a big part of me, Alison."

"I could tell from the moment, Emmanuel? That was his name, right? Emmanuel?" I nodded through her question, "I could tell that your job meant the world to you by how you smiled. And it surprised me that you hadn't mentioned it. Something so intrinsic to who you are."

Breathtaking. It was the only word I had for her. "Happy to surprise you. I learned early on that no one really cares about what I actually do. They care about the title and the end goal, but not the day to day."

"Then tell me all about it." She leaned forward on her wrist, sincerely, "I'd listen to you talk about whatever you wanted all night, Emily."

"Cute." I smiled into my wrist, "But I wasn't interested in telling you about that. I was interested in you. Just you."

She picked up her coffee to hid the smirk peaking around the edges of her cup. "Should we consider Saturday settled then? I don't want to go into the rest of tonight without you feeling comfortable moving forward."

"You'll learn this about me quickly, but I rarely hold a grudge. I respected your decision the moment you made it. I appreciate and accept your apology, Alison. But I'm here tonight because I don't hold Saturday against you."

"Okay... good to know. This is actually my first, is date the right word?"

"I'll accept date."

"Perfect." Her eyes flittered to look away shyly, "This is actually my first _real_ date since my divorce. I've talked to people on the phone and over text, but I haven't had the courage to put myself back out there again."

"It's been a few years for me too. Juggling residency and moving to a new city and every aspect of this job has been a lot. We can be new at this together."

"I'd like that. But I was being honest earlier, Emily. I'd love to hear more about what you do, the specifics. Are you working on a certain project for the center or focusing on current cases?"

She appeared to be honestly asking, honestly seeking understanding. She stared at me wholeheartedly, patiently waiting for me to take my time, "A little of both, actually. I have four lab assistants that work directly under me, six under Dr. Onyeke, and they do most of the current case work. If there is a strange finding in a biopsy sample or tissue from someone who has passed, then Emmanuel or I might look at it to determine importance. But we are mostly working on a long-term project during the day that is seeking to find genetic or epigenetic links to –"

Alison held up her finger, "And epigenetics are?"

"Right, right." I nodded, rewinding my brain internally, "Epigenetics are the ways that genes can be changed without changing its actual structure. It basically works as like a cap or a jacket on top of what your body already produced and therefore, prevents the gene from acting as it was intended. It leads to abnormalities and some of those abnormalities we've specifically found in cancer cells. So we can use our knowledge of those differences to our advantage to try and hijack the cells during the multiplication process. Does that help?"

"Sort of..." she wandered, picking up her phone, "I'm just typing 'Epigenetics' into my phone, so I can look it up later. Seems important."

"Very important, but fairly new. Anyways, we're working on a long-term project that is seeking to find genetic or epigenetic links between adults who have had multiple battles with cancer."

Her mouth opened in understanding confusion, "Going back to childhood? Or just multiple battles during adulthood?"

"We're starting with adulthood. It's just a shorter time span to be able to track genetic changes in tissue. We're hoping to find gene sequencing that directly impacts growth or mutation."

"Like the cap things you mentioned?"

I laughed, "Yeah, like the cap things I mentioned."

"Oh no, was that wrong?" she pulled away in a light gasp.

"No, not at all. It was an adorable question. Thank you for listening." I opened my hand up on the table as an invitation which she quickly reciprocated.

"Definitely. Watching you light up talking about it was the most content and open I've seen you so far. It makes me happy to know that what you do makes you so happy."

"I do love it. It's consistently difficult, but consistently rewarding. Do you feel the same about what you do?"

She sighed, before shrugging, "I know I'm good at it. But no, in no way does managing the books for the foundation make me light up as much as you just did. I love seeing the impact we make, but most of the time it's just me alone in my home office. So it's hard to see the end of the tunnel except from when we are at those galas."

"I get that. Until I reached this point, everything felt like a means to an end. What would you prefer to be doing?"

"Well, I did get my Accounting MBA from UPenn, so it is something that I enjoy. I think I would want to be around more people though. Get out of the house a little bit more, but I don't have anything specific I would rather be doing."

I stared at her timidly, wondering how we both got so lucky. How our worlds both collided at the perfect time. I wanted to be here in this moment for as long as I possibly could. "Feel free to move on if this is too personal. But considering that you have been divorced before, is there a specific type of partner you are now looking for?"

She didn't hesitant. "No, not too personal at all. I mentioned this on Saturday, but my ex and I are still friends. There were just some extenuating circumstances that led to it being difficult to put our marriage first. And I need that. I need to know that whomever I'm with has the capacity to show up for me. Show up for us. Show up for family. I don't need or expect a lot, just someone who is there."

"Okay, that's good to know." I replied, filing it away while simultaneously gulping. How do you show up for someone when you easily work 50 hours a week? "I'd say that I'm looking for someone who challenges me. I mean that physically, emotionally, and mentally. I would like vulnerability, honesty, and empathy from my partner so that we are a cohesive unit. I think all of those lead to trust between two people that can't really be duplicated."

She rubbed her lips together before continuing, "I get that. I'll be honest, some aspects of that aren't my strongest suit. I didn't come from the most open family in the entire world so until I got married, vulnerability was pretty foreign to me. I think I'm getting better, but I may need some grace."

"I mean, we're just getting to know each other right now. Grace is all that we can give as we figure this out. You're beautiful, and I want to get to know you better. Past that, we have to figure out if it works."

"You're right." She exhaled, "Speaking of figuring things out, we have to discuss this distance thing. It was no issue at all driving down here for this, but in no way can we expect each other to drive two hours potentially multiple times a week to go on a date."

"100 percent. What was half way for you on the way down?"

"Around Newark..." she read my face, "Yeah, it's not great."

"Okay, so what if we just don't see each other every week? Maybe every other week?"

"You'd be okay with that?"

"I can tell you right now that I would rather see you more often. But if every other week is all I can get, I will take it." I smiled, our eyes linking another time. She put me at ease. It was how time stopped looking at her. How I felt instantly at peace despite being in the middle of a contentious conversation.

"Okay, then we'll see each other more often." Alison replied simply as if the easiest decision she had made all night. "Come to Philadelphia this weekend. I want to take you The Barnes; it's an art museum. Take a day trip?"

"Once a month, we have to work a Saturday at the lab. So I can do Sunday? Does that work?"

She squeezed my hand in hers, "I may have to move somethings around. But yeah, let's make it work. Also considering the drive and all, I do need to head back."

Looking at my phone for the first time all evening as I stood, I noticed it was nearly 8. We had bypassed dinner for pure conversation. I hadn't missed it. "Right. Not to be forward, but you can always stay at mine tonight. I do have a fully furnished second bedroom that you're more than welcome to stay in."

"I do actually need to get back. Errands to run in the morning, meetings with the board. But I do appreciate the offer. I'll keep it in mind." She reconnected our hands as I walked her to her car.

It was bittersweet to imagine letting her go again. After Saturday, I wanted nothing more than to fast forward to the days she forever woke up in my arms. But I had also no desire to bypass all of these little moments between us that were meant to be cherished. I would count the minutes until Sunday and the confidence in our next meeting would have to be enough.

"I had a great night, Alison. Thank you for coming out this way." I turned to face her, taking her other hand in mine.

"Same." She tucked her hair behind her ear, "I'm happy that I listened to my intuition about you. You're something else."

I loved her shy. Sheepishly tucking her head into her chest, I pried for more, wishing my name on her lips once again, "In a good way, I assume?"

"In the best way, Emily." There it was. I loved the way it lingered. The way her lips parted, the small flick of her tongue against the back of her teeth. The way she smiled into the ending phrase. "See you Sunday?"

"Sunday... Let me know when you get home, okay?"

As much as I wanted to lean in for a kiss, I could sense her apprehension. She was trepidatious and had been hurt before. I would move at any pace she desired. I kissed her cheek delicately, rubbing my thumb against the inside of her hand. I wanted my respect of her to outshine any of my own ideas. She said 'goodbye' looking over her left shoulder moments before getting into her car. Her smile crippled me one last time. I could feel it in my gut. I was falling along with every piece of myself. Into her words. Her smile. Her intent. Even more, my idealized picture of the woman I met on Saturday may not have been idealized after all. She was magnetic, and I craved to already be at our next interaction.

Sunday couldn't come a moment too soon.

* * *

**A/N: Eep. I love them already. I hope you're enjoy it so far. Feel free to read multiple times because there are little clues to future plot points scattered throughout. I'd love to hear your theories both on the Emily and Alison side of things. Even though their relationship is starting out ultra-adorable, you know that no story is complete without some tension being thrown in. Please send me your thoughts!**

**Next chapter up next Thursday! :)  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	3. Wanting Was Enough - Part 1

**A/N: Hi, everyone! I mentioned this a while back but this story is currently being written but with the 16 chapters I have, the story is already close to 170,000 words. Due to this, I will be splitting chapters into multiple parts. This process does take time in order to find natural breaks, so I expect that I will be posting parts twice a week, but I cannot guarantee exact days. This also means more "cliffhangers", etc. My reasoning for this is based on website's recommendations that readers prefer shorter chapters. If this is an incorrect belief of sites, and you all don't mind 8,000 to 16,000 word chapters, please let me know, and I'm more than willing to post long chapter but only once per week. Message or comment at the end of the chapter, please. Thanks so much for your assistance and patience! :)**

* * *

She was late, and not fashionably. We were meant to meet as the museum opened, but 20 minutes later, and she had yet to arrive. A simple, _‘running late. See you soon.’_ the only lifeline given. My nerves got the better of me the night before. Even though we had spoken over Facetime most nights since our date on Tuesday, I was anxious to see her in person again. I wrestled all night with the moves I was willing to make during our outing. Could I wrap my arm around her? Would she lace her fingers through mine? Was a kiss on our second date even in the cards? Thinking about Alison for any extended amount of time brought a pit to my stomach. But not an empty one. She made me nervous and happy and giddy and unsure and entirely too sure all at once. There was an air about her that made me feel like I was back in high school, tripping over myself to show how much I liked her without giving too much of myself away. But this time, she liked me too and appeared to be walking the same tightrope I was. Dancing and swaying back and forth between completely falling and never letting go.

She always called me after 9, just as she was getting into bed and settling down. It had quickly become the highlight of my day by the time Friday rolled around, and I realized this was becoming a habit of ours. Ours. I had always enjoyed being alone before, but hearing ‘ours’ made me realize that the idea of time together with Alison far exceeded anything I could or wanted to accomplish singularly. She made me want togetherness. She made me want something more than myself for the first time in a long time.

* * *

I answered, propped on my elbow in my bed, “Hello?”

“Happy Friday.” She smiled delicately, leaning against her headboard in the dimness of her bedroom light. “I come bearing questions tonight!” She seemed excited, readjusting her legs giddily. Her happiness instantly made me smile. Already tied to me. Already a part of me.

“You did?” My grin was permanent and uneraseable in her presence. “About what? Have I not spilled enough about myself yet?”

“No, no. You’re fine, Emily. But I did research today and have more questions!”

I sat up to give her my full attention, in awe of the little details that bubbled up around her. “Now, you have me intrigued.”

“Perfect.” She leaned forward, giving a small wink to the camera. “First, on Tuesday you mentioned gene sequencing, and I honestly had no idea what that even meant. So, I went and looked up all of these little details about the…” she glanced toward her feet, as though she had taken notes on a piece of paper. Endearing as hell. “… the human genome? Is that right?”

“It is, and you are insanely attractive right now.”

She rotated her body sideways, shirking with an astounding smile spreading across her face as the tip of her tongue barely touched her top teeth. “Yay. Okay, okay. Don’t distract me!”

She coughed, wriggling out her shoulders, while I responded, “I’m so sorry, Dr. DiLaurentis. Please continue for me. I’m all ears.”

It took everything within me to not say that I was all _hers_. That I was captivated and rapt by her every word and action. In amazement, I took in her every discovery as if brand new to my ears. As if gene sequencing, multiplication, and mutation weren’t a part of my everyday work. Because in some ways, hearing it from her was its own revelation. _She_ was her own revelation.

“Emily? You still there?” Her forefinger tapped on her screen, breaking me out of my haze, “Did you hear me?”

“I’m still here just got lost in thought. What did you say?”

“Nothing big. I was talking about how humans share 50% of their DNA with bananas, but that’s unimportant. You okay?” She looked concerned.

“More than okay. You keep surprising me, and I don’t know how to slow this down.”

“Slow this down? Why would you need to that?”

“Alison, I’ve met you twice…”

“Oh, now you’re the one who’s unsure? Are we going to play this game back and forth?”

“I – I don’t know. I don’t wan – “

“Let me make it easy for you. I like you; it’s that easy. There’s no reason to slow down when I’m right here next to you.” I inhaled, my lungs filling with overwhelming feelings and emotion. She continued staring, tilting her head before continuing her thought, “You can say it too, Emily. The world isn’t going to collapse around you for letting yourself have feelings for someone. You’re allowed to feel.”

“No, I know. Part of me thinks that in no way is this real. That there’s no way I’m this enamored with someone I met less than a week ago.”

“Why are you thinking so much? You said three days ago that we needed to have grace and figure out if we even work. You remember that, right?” I nodded. “Then give _yourself_ some grace, too. I’m on your team in this though. We’re both figuring this out.”

“You’re right.” I exhaled, looking into her shining baby blues. She flipped her hair over her shoulder, tilting her head sideways toward the screen, getting closer as more time passed. “What are you doing?”

“Waiting patiently…”

“For?” I laughed at her eyes leaning directly into the lens, wide open.

“I think I said some pretty important words about a minute back, and you were too busy panicking to realize.”

I bit my lip, understanding what she was finally saying, “Do I have to?”

“Do you want to hear more of the facts I found on that child’s genetics website tonight or not?” she giggled, holding her notecards up to the camera.

“Of course, I do.” I laid back down, leaning onto my wrist again for support.

“Consider the facts your reward then… Come on. Don’t be shy.”

My head fell as I attempted to hide my smile, whispering into my palms. “There.”

“There, what? I didn’t hear shit. This is for me as much as it is for you, Emily Fields. Put some gusto behind it!”

“Alison, really? We’re in our thirties…”

“And we fucking deserve to still have fun with this! Here, how about you whisper it just into the speaker at the bottom of your phone? I’ll be only person who can hear it.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. I won’t tell a soul.”

I felt insanely silly and stupid and childish. But, I put my phone’s speaker up to my lips and barely whispered, “I like you, Alison.”

And in the same whispered tone, she replied, “I like you, too, Emily.”

* * *

So there I was, on a bench near a long black fountain at the front of The Barnes, waiting. For the woman I liked. For the woman that liked me. Part of me was upset that she was late, but the other part was grateful for any time I had. Even after investing two hours of my day already in my journey here, it hadn’t seemed like anytime at all because she wasn’t back in my arms yet. I fidgeted my feet, tilting them back and forth to hit each other until all of a sudden, I heard her voice.

“Hey there, cutie.” She stopped in front of me, so that her shoes were barely in my peripheral. I looked up, instantly standing and smiling. I stepped forward, wrapping her in my arms. Relief. “I am so sorry, Emily.”

“It’s okay. Things happen.”

She brushed her hair back with her hand, “I just didn’t plan my time right today. We went to church and didn’t realize that I wouldn’t want to come here in church clothes, you know? So I had to go all the way back home to change, and then drive all the way back here. I should’ve told you to meet at noon, but I thought I could make it fit.”

“But you’re here now.”

Beaming up at me, she wrapped me in another hug, “I am, and you are… I missed you. Is it crazy that I missed you?”

I shook my head into the crook of her shoulder, “No, I missed you too.”

“Good, okay. That’s good.” Her hand reached for mine before we had even let go from our hug. It seemed to me that she was as attached to me as I was to her. “I must say, I love you in jeans.” She outstretched my arms stepping backward, drinking in my figure. I rubbed my hands down my thighs showing off in her approval of my outfit. Today, she was in a cuffed green sweater with jeans. Her hair was lightly messy, obviously not enough time to style it before heading off this morning. I liked it better though. I liked her imperfect.

“Little known fact just for you. If I had any real say in the matter, I would wear pants every damn day of my life.”

“So the dress on Tuesday was fluke?”

“You could say that… But being a co-lead means that underneath my lab coat or jacket, I have to look professional. You never know the donors or beneficiaries that might stop by. So sadly, dresses and heels have become my new norm.”

“Jumping off of that, when do I get the honor of seeing you in a lab coat? Because that just might seal my fate.” She did that tongue thing again. Placing it precariously on the edge of her front teeth. I had to take a breath to make sure I hadn’t lost the ability.

“Seal your fate? Do you have a thing for doctors that you have mysteriously left out this past week?” I smirked, pulling her back closer to me, still connected with one hand.

“I can’t say with certainty that it’s doctors, plural…”

“…but?” I inquired, wanting her to say it more than anything.

Her eyes fell to the ground, all of her confidence on the phone fading in person. “I definitely have a thing for one doctor in particular.”

Her eyes met mine, and I knew she wanted to kiss me. It had been years, actual years, but I had seen those eyes all week over Facetime. I had seen the copious little moments when I had won her over. The smallest inklings that screamed desire. From her notecards of facts to the way her nose crinkled when I made her laugh to the way she say ‘good night’. And if I had been able to see all of the moments when she was falling, she had to have been able to see the same. She had to have seen my nerves and my sighs and my contentment with her. She saw me, and I saw her. And who was I to say no?

She leaned fully forward taking 100 percent of the first step. Her hand felt sublime resting on my cheek and moments from our lips touching, I closed my eyes and willingly fell. It was delicate but intentional and determined. Using her own hand, she led my left hand to her hip. Tilting her face subtlety, we continued our embrace as I used my right hand to brush her bangs from her eyes. We moved like we knew each other’s thoughts, giving and taking at exactly the right time. It lasted seconds despite my longing for it to last a lifetime.

Pulling away, she rubbed a small smudge of lipstick off the corner of my mouth, “But I think she knows.”

She gave me confidence. Helped me find a courage that had been lost without a trace. I felt myself growing in sureness by simply being with her, next to her. She made me feel seen and wanted. “Are you sure?” I raised one of my eyebrows as her hand fell against the top of my chest, “You may need to be a little more direct with her to make su –“

“Shut up and kiss me.” She whispered with our lips inches from each other, wrapping her hand around the collar of my long-sleeved shirt.

I brought her into me, laughing, mouth barely open as my lips met hers. My hand, still on her hip, opened allowing me to hold her closer as the force behind our embrace caused her to barely lean backward. She hummed into our kiss this time, sending a chill straight down my spine. I imagined my forever in that hum. I felt her smiling as she went in again, causing me to gently moan as her tongue flicked over my bottom lip before stepping away and giggling like a school girl.

“God, I’ve wanted to do that since Tuesday.”

“Tuesday?”

“I gave you the same eyes then. You either weren’t looking for them or didn’t catch them.” She hit my upper arm, gently.

“I was trying to be respectful! What’s the harm in that?”

Walking away, she looked over her shoulder to shrug, “I thought you maybe were unsure about me…”

“Me? Unsure? About you?” I quickly followed, reaching for the hand swinging behind her. She was obviously teasing me, but I also wanted to ensure that she knew I was here. Completely sure. “Sounds like awful big words to spout when _you_ are the one who initially walked away from _me_.” I nudged her shoulder, sending her to the right. She scoffed my direction, waiting for more. “You should have no doubt in your mind. I’m not unsure about you in the slightest. This is exactly where I’m supposed to be today. Can’t you feel it in the air?”

She closed her eyes, looking up the sky, “I can feel it.”

“So, you’re ready for today?”

“Beyond ready.” She smiled, “Have you been here before? It’s one of my favorites!”

“I haven’t, so you get to be the expert today.” We walked to the entrance where I happily paid, before starting our extended excursion through all of the halls.

As we strolled aimlessly, I discovered that she enjoyed leaning into me, feeling protected. It was also fascinating to watch as she giddily jogged from one side of a room to the other just to make sure I knew about this one fact she learned years ago when her father bought her a member’s pass for Christmas. She enjoyed feeling me next to her and casually placed a kiss against my upper arm multiple times during a lull in conversation. In addition to these quirks that made her endlessly adorable in my eyes, I finally began to see the draw in our hours long Facetimes during the week. Because now, she could ask more personal or in-depth questions without fear of me being caught off-guard.

“I want to hear more about your family. Based on your entire history with your parents, do you think they would like me?”

I laughed, “Those are two entirely different questions, Alison. I love my family. It’s just been me, my mom, and my dad my whole life. My mom is one of the sweetest people you’ll ever meet and always has something cooking just in case someone happens to stop by. My dad is pretty stoic though. He was in the military for almost 3 decades before he retired a few years ago. I don’t have any real complaints about how I grew up or anything because I gained so much experience and learned independence from a young age considering my mom was a single mom a lot of the time. But no, they’re good. I talk to them at least weekly. Now, for the second part of your question…”

“This was what I was actually waiting for, just so you know.”

I looked down at her facetiously, “Trust me. I read right through your M.O. You’re not sly.”

She casually bumped me as we moved into the next hall, “So, are you going to answer that or not?”

“I’m trying to figure out my words! I’m sure that they would love you, but you are not my, I guess usual type? How do you say that without sounding rude?”

She squeezed my hand with light reassurance, “You don’t. I’d say the same thing about you though, Em.”

It was the first time she had used a nickname. I liked the way it hung at the end of her sentence. She noticed me glance at her and bit her lip nervously wondering if I would make a remark. But I didn’t dare. I enjoyed seeing her amused and who was I to take away her smile?

“What is your usual type then?” She interrupted the silence.

“I swam competitively all of high school and then was on recreation teams in college that did well, so I was around a lot of jocks.”

“Ah, that’s how you’ve pulled off such an amazing figure all of these years?” She kissed my hand, and I swore that I could feel her intention soar through my veins and straight to my heart. Had it always been this hard to breathe?

“You’re such a fucking flirt.”

“And you love it, don’t lie to me.”

She caught me. I couldn’t make eye contact out of fear of blushing, “Anyways… I usually have dated other swimmers or track girls, you know? But I can’t really say that I have a type now. I mean, I haven’t dated since I was dumped just before my med school graduation.”

“What is that? Like 5 years?”

“Yup. Nearly as long as the relationship itself.”

“Hold on.” She grabbed my wrist with her hand, “You dated someone longer than my fucking marriage?”

I stopped trying to catch my breath from laughter. “I guess so? We dated for almost 7 years.”

“What’d she do?”

“How do you know I didn’t do something?”

She covered her eyes, looking around aimlessly, “I refuse to see any weakness in the woman in front of me.”

I moved her hands with mine, kissing her briefly before continuing our amble, “You’re right. She cheated on me months before I was planning on proposing.” I sighed, happy to get that out into the air.

“Cheated? On you?”

“Pretty fucking unbelievable, right?” I joked, flipping my straightened hair over my shoulder, “It destroyed me, to say the least. I’ve only been on a date or two since because it took me a long time to reconcile with the idea that I was simultaneously a great girlfriend and still not enough for her. But you’re catching me on the upswing; I no longer think about her every day or think that I see her face in a crowd.”

“It makes me sad to know that you went through that. But pretty damn grateful that your trust isn’t completely broken.”

“I won’t lie, it was for quite a while. I’m fortunate that in you I’ve found someone so incredibly upfront, you know? It’s comforting to be dating someone so outspoken.”

Despite leaving the opening for her to continue speaking though, Alison squeezed my hand silently and walked to a new painting. When she arrived, she called me over, but it didn’t stop my stomach from sinking. I couldn’t quite place it though. Was it my use of the word ‘dating’? Was that too far? Had she previously cheated? Was she lying about something? No, that was ridiculous. Maybe she was searching for the words to console me? Maybe this really was one of her favorite paintings?

We continued our trek through the museum bouncing random and more outlandish questions off of each other just hoping to make the other laugh or smile. I searched for the perfect time to bring the conversation back to the door she opened as she arrived. It was a small but important one for us to walk through, “So church, huh?”

Alison squeezed my hand, “I thought you might come back to that. Yeah, my family goes to church every Sunday and usually lunch after that. My parents, my brother, his wife, Carter, you know, my family…”

“Carter goes?” I turned, perplexed at the frequency her ex came up in conversation. In person, we were 3 for 3.

She nodded, keeping her hand attached to mine, but starting to walk a little faster than me, “And his parents and family, too. It’s the church we’ve gone to since I was young.”

I knew I could press her. I knew that I could ask about Carter and his involvement in her life. I knew that I could get upset or overthink or over worry but instead, I decided that I wanted to learn. That was the root of me asking. But, she beat me to it.

“Are you against that? Church, I mean.” She paused, stopping in front of an inconsequential painting as guests moved around us.

“Not at all. I think that anything that gives you peace in your life is worth pursuing. I would say that I believe in something bigger than myself but have always felt ostracized from church.”

“I did, too. Especially in my late teens and early twenties when I was fully figuring out that I liked women more than I could reasonably ignore.”

I casually wrapped my hand around her waist, as her left hand wrapped around her front to clutch my fingers in tandem, “What was that like for you?”

“Terrifying.” She laughed. “I had tried to pass it off as a thing I did when I was drunk. But, I mean, you get it. It feels foreign but familiar all at once.”

“I know exactly what you mean. I remember coming out in high school and still feeling so unsure. Now, being in my thirties, I have absolutely no reason to give a fuck.”

“It’s exhilarating, isn’t it?” She kissed my cheek as though she hadn’t thought about it. “I know it’s too soon, but after a few more dates and a couple of introductions, you should come too.”

“To church?” I hoped that she hadn’t heard me gulp.

“What? You’re not going to ignite walking through the front door.”

“I’m just not sure it’s my thing.”

“Let’s make it our thing then…”

“With you, your whole family, and your ex? No, thank you.” I felt her tense up next to me. She realized she had gone too far and her reflexes kicked in.

“Emily…” she spoke softly as I started to walk away, “I – we need to talk.”

My mind was running a hundred miles too fast. After her walking away from me being vulnerable earlier today, it was my turn. But in no way was this my intention for today. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to appear jealous or possessive or too much. Hell, it had only been a week. But I couldn’t understand how Carter, someone who was never there for her or didn’t show up, somehow remained in her life weekly. How a person who obviously brought Alison’s eyes back into some of the worst of her memories even deserved her time.

“We don’t need to talk about anything, Alison. I don’t give a fuck about Carter. If we, me and you, are going to be anything, Carter doesn’t matter to me.”

I paced toward a more closed off area of the museum, tucking ourselves into an alcove by the restrooms. I didn’t want to crack in public. We couldn’t crack in public.

“Okay, then don’t give a fuck about him. I don’t really give a fuck about him either.” She pulled her hands through her hair trying to find a way out. I could feel it.

“So you bring him up every time I see you because? You invite me to church next to him because? You make sure I don’t forget about him for more than 20 minutes at a –“

Not saying any words, she interrupted me with an action. Despite looking sick to her stomach, she found enough within her to pull out her phone. And pressing the power button, she held the main screen up to my face. To a screensaver that immediately caused me sit.

Because there he was. Carter. It had to be him. Tall. Incredibly handsome. Dark hair. Light eyes. Smiling. Christmas 2019 in typed cursive in the right corner. Ten months ago and here she was with her hands resting gently on his back. Laughing. But despite all of those details, it wasn’t the important one. Because Carter stood there, his hands extended in the air above him as he was tossing a smaller version of the marvelous woman in front of me into the sky. A smaller her in male form.

“Alison –“

* * *

**A/N: Ahhhhhhh! Can you even believe? Not sure if anyone guessed this twist along the way, but I tried to leave little hints to at least make Alison having a son plausible.  
**

**I hope you guys enjoyed these twists and especially the introduction of Alison's son. What do you guys think? Do you like these chapters being in parts, or should I bite the bullet and post chapters that may take an hour + to read?  
**

**See you all next time around (most likely Thursday)!**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	4. Wanting Was Enough - Part 2

Not saying any words, she interrupted me with an action. Despite looking sick to her stomach, she found enough within her to pull out her phone. And pressing the power button, she held the main screen up to my face. To a screensaver that immediately caused me sit.

Because there he was. Carter. It had to be him. Tall. Incredibly handsome. Dark hair. Light eyes. Smiling. Christmas 2019 in typed cursive in the right corner. Ten months ago and here she was with her hands resting gently on his back. Laughing. But despite all of those details, it wasn’t the important one. Because Carter stood there, his hands extended in the air above him as he was tossing a smaller version of the marvelous woman in front of me into the sky. A smaller her in male form.

“Alison –“

“I don’t give a fuck about Carter. I don’t have a good relationship with him because I want to. I have a good relationship because I _have_ to.” She sat down next to me and immediately put her head in her hands. “This is too soon, isn’t it? I’ve never had to tell anyone I liked before. I don’t know how or when is the right time, but I can’t have you mad at me. Not for this.”

A child. A whole kid. The girl I was falling for didn’t just go to church with family. She went with her actual family. Hers. Belonging to her. A child. And not a small one either. Not a tiny baby, but a what? Elementary schooler? I zoomed in on his face trying to get a better look in my silence. Alison placed her hand on my leg, letting me attempt to absorb what the fuck was going on. She was a mother. She fulfilled roles I hadn’t even yet considered for myself. She was responsible for a human life while I barely kept plants alive during a good stretch of mental health. If I thought I couldn’t breathe around her before, it was damn near impossible now. Had I blinked in the past minute or was I just sitting in front of the woman I had known for a week’s time malfunctioning in front of her?

“What’s his name?” The only words I could muster in my brain’s stupor without remaining completely silent.

She inhaled, reaching for my hand, craving solace I didn’t know if I could provide. “This is my 7 year old son, Jacob, or Jake for his favorite few… Say something, please.”

The phone calls after 9. The having to rearrange her schedule to make room for today. Needing to make introductions before going to church. The incessant mentioning of Carter. It’s because he sure as hell wasn’t going anywhere. But here I was next to the woman who less than two hours before I silently claimed wanting togetherness. With her. I wanted to make mine and hers simply ours. She was that same person, right? I mean, she wasn’t a cheater. She hadn’t been thrown off by the word dating. She just couldn’t figure out how to tell someone becoming important to her about the most important thing in her life. Her son. Alison’s son. Jacob.

She wasn’t looking for me to have all of the answers in this moment. There’s no way that I could. She just wanted to put us on the same playing field. I would be a trash human being to walk away in the face of her honesty. I wouldn’t be the woman I claimed to be. Someone who 5 days before preached vulnerability and honesty. Empathy… I had said that too, hadn’t I? Don’t be a fucking hypocritic, Emily…

“Tell me more.” I turned my entire body toward her on the bench, seeking any and every detail she was willing to share. I needed time to figure this out.

“Well, to start, he’s my favorite person. He’s the happiest child and makes me so proud to be his mother. He’s my greatest accomplishment. He’s incredibly strong and brave. His favorite thing in the world is to be with both his dad and me, so we try to make that happen at least once a week. Usually Sundays because of church –“ she interrupted my opening mouth, “ – Nope, nope. Don’t say anything. I’m here with you today because I want to be; we hung out yesterday instead to make up for the change. He also loves cars. All types: tractors, BMX bikes, 18 wheelers, ambulances, flat beds. God, so many that I can’t even keep track of. But he’s so smart, Emily. He knows so many facts from the books he reads and stores them all so perfectly. He amazes me more than he probably should. But I stare at him and I feel…”

“… complete.” I finished for her, as I reached out for her hand, “I get what you meant by Tuesday now, when you told me that it made you happy to know that I was doing a job that made me happy. You mentioned how I lit up. I get it now; he’s your light.”

She nodded, continuing to breathe deeply and regulate all of the emotions surging through her, “Emily, I wanted to tell you. You have to believe me.”

“I don’t blame you… I can’t blame you. Should we go get a late lunch?” I watched as her face apprehensively turned back to mine. My question had surprised her. “Sitting here in the middle of a museum seems like the wrong venue for something so important to you. Or maybe not lunch if that’s too much for today. At least maybe dessert or something? Do you have to get back to Jacob tonight?”

“Let’s do lunch.” she smiled, lacing our fingers as she stood, “And no, he’s with Carter this week. We just need to be home in time for me to call him right before bed.”

She said we. I didn’t know if I had said the right things, but I had said enough that I wasn’t making her question trusting me. I had barely said 30 words since seeing his photo and yet was already trying to make a place for him. Was that crazy? Why wasn’t I running? Why had I suggested lunch when I had no clue about where to go from here? I had more questions, sure, but I was even surprising myself. I wasn’t running… because it was her. Because I felt more like myself the past week than I had in the 5 years before. Because when I looked at her, my world felt a little smaller. A little more together. A little more at peace.

“There’s a pretty good pizza place just around the corner from here. It’s low-key, a good place to talk because I’m sure you have more questions.”

“Whatever sounds good to you.” She was happy but dejected as she started walking a few feet in front of me after walking out of the museum. Neither of us knew how to proceed, but if she gave me peace, I knew I needed to give her peace in return. I reached for her hand again as she started turning around. “Alison, wait. Come here.” I whispered, pulling her in for a hug. I felt her spine relax surrounded by my arms. She exhaled into my chest as I felt her fingers desperately cling to my back for stability. “I’m right here, okay? We’re figuring this out. I’m not gone; I’m not leaving. I’m right here.”

Placing my hand beneath her chin, I brought her in for a kiss. I wanted her to feel my presence. I wanted her to feel that my words weren’t empty. I wasn’t leaving because of this. This wouldn’t make her lose me. She was just as important to me now as she was when I waited for her at the fountain. I was scared to death, but I could be scared to death on my own. I didn’t need to make Alison scared too. She deserved bette, in general. But she definitely deserved better from me.

I led the kiss this time as she stood there sinking into the evident care I was taking with our time together. “It’s okay, Ali.” I whispered, stepping away as my thumb traced the divot in her chin.

She didn’t reply as she kept our hands connected and started walking in step with me toward the restaurant. But we stayed silent, letting the weight of a child on this blossoming relationship rest on the fingertips bridging the gap between us. As we entered the restaurant, she asked for a table for two near the back that allowed for both of us to sit on the same side of the booth to talk. We knew why we were here. The pizza would be a welcomed interruption, but Jacob was the only thing on our minds.

“Is there anything you don’t like on your pizza?” she asked as soon as we sat.

“No mushrooms. But other than that, I’m fine with almost anything.”

“I can do that.” The smallest things made her smile. She was crafting a question; I could sense it behind her lips. “And pineapple on pizza is?”

“Fine, but I’d never request it personally.” I shrugged, tilting my head to register if I had answered correctly.

“Not perfect, but I’ll take it.” She replied, calling over the waitress, “By the way, the answer is absolutely terrible. I’ll give you a pass.” She winked at me, turning to place our order, “We’ll take a small with meatball and banana peppers. And two waters, please. Thanks so much.”

“That sounds good, Alison. Thanks.”

The silence fell between us again as my brain kept churning. I had to bring it up, didn’t I? It was going to be a ghost in my mind until I talked to her about it. I didn’t know if she was ready, but I wasn’t going to be able to sleep tonight without saying it. So, I took a deep breath, held her hand again, and just spoke.

“Jacob had cancer, didn’t he?” It had hit me like a ton of bricks as I zoomed into the photo. Just above his left ear, a three or more inch long scar extended toward the back of his head. The black and white coloring of the photo had attempted to hide it. But to a trained eye. To my medically trained eye, it was unmissable. Her eyes widened as her pupils shot back and forth between mine, waiting for me to say more, “I’m sorry to bring it up. It’s obviously incredibly hard. But I couldn’t just ignore it… you know, the scar.” I pulled my hair back to show the left side of my head, tracing an invisible line where I had noted his to be. “That’s why you backed away when you heard I worked in pathology. That’s why you wanted to know if I was studying childhood reoccurring cancer. That’s why you ran away last Saturday.”

She sighed loudly, taking a sip of her water to give herself time. I didn’t need her to speak. I had seen enough grief from parents during my residency to know how it sits with you. How it haunts your nightmares and ruins your dreams. It taints every childhood memory because it’s always lingering around the corner. There’s never a moment of reprieve or time to catch your breath. Because cancer invades without an invitation. It destroys without an ounce of remorse. And then it leaves, either with your loved one in tow or with the part of your spirit that once believed all could be right in the world.

“You don’t need to say anything, Alison; you can stay silent. Can I ask questions though?”

Her thumb danced along the inside of my palm, “Ask me anything…”

“I assume it was a Medulloblastoma?” She nodded. “Surgery, radiation, and chemo?”

“No chemo.” She kept her eyes down.

“That’s good. Chemo is hard on young bodies. Not that radiation isn’t, but… fuck. I’m sorry. It’s hard to not approach this like a doctor. Are you still doing alright?”

She smirked up at me, “You’ve asked me two questions, Emily. I’m fine.”

“You’re right. You lived this… So, is he in remission now?”

“Has been for almost 3 years.”

I exhaled. That was great. Did she know how great that was? “So he was how old?”

“Almost 3 and was officially released a few months after he turned 4.”

“And how are you?”

“Better. No longer heartbroken… We can talk about me any other time though. What’s going through your mind?”

What wasn’t? Was it too much to say that sitting in front of me was the strongest woman I knew? She had made it through marriage, her child’s cancer, a crumbling relationship leading to divorce amidst their son’s treatment, being a single mom half of the time, and yet still managing a decent relationship with her ex? What the fuck had I done? Med school? A joke, in comparison.

“Honestly?”

“No, lie to me.” She smiled, trying to break the tension.

“This makes you seem way less chaotic. I thought I had signed up for a drama queen after you ran away like that last week. But, you’re just a mother who desperately loves her son.”

“It feels like I’m waiting for another but.”

“But this changes so much.”

“Emily, I’m not asking you to become a mother. I don’t need you to step in and – “

I puffed out air seeking for words to replace my escaping breath, “Look, we haven’t talked about any of this, but I am not the kind of person who dates someone for the hell of it. I know we’re figuring it out, whatever the fuck that actually means now. Alison, you might not be asking that of me, but if I’m going to actively pursue you… I wouldn’t be able to ignore the fact that being a part of your world means being a part of his.”

“But that doesn’t have to be now, Emily. That can be whenever you feel comfortable, if you ever do feel comfortable. It feels like I was lying to you, I know that. I know that I should’ve been upfront and while we were dancing last weekend, I thought I could tell you. But at the mention of you being even somewhat related to the area that wreaked havoc on my life a few short years ago scared me away.”

“What changed between Saturday and Monday then?”

“I called Carter…”

I choked on my water, “You called Carter? He knows about me?”

She bit her lip, smiling, “I didn’t know who else to call. No one else gets it. My parents and brother were there, but it’s different when you aren’t the one whose flesh and blood is hooked up to more wires than you can count.”

“I understand. What did he say?”

“He had seen us dancing, and said that you looked at me how he used to. That he could’ve recognized that look from a hundred miles away. That you don’t give up on someone who in only knowing the basics already doesn’t want to let you go. I told him that being with you for that hour on Saturday was the happiest I had been in a long time. And before we hung up, he just said, ‘Jake deserves to see you that happy.’ So, I called my dad the minute I woke up the next morning before we went to church.”

“Ah, so when you say Carter’s a good guy?”

She laughed, “He’s a great guy; he babysat Jake on Tuesday when I drove out to you even though last week was my week with him. Our marriage just hadn’t been built for the childhood cancer of it all. He didn’t know how to be there for Jake and me simultaneously and sort of lost himself. He’s the best dad, and I feel extremely blessed for the life we created together.”

I started on a slice of pizza as I looked Alison over more carefully. I was filling in the gaps, learning the nuances, and she was opening up to me beautifully. Something that she admittedly wasn’t very good at. But she was trying, and if she was going to try, the least I could do was try too.

“Thank you for telling me. As your biggest responsibility, trusting me with even knowing he exists means a lot to me. I don’t take it for granted at all. In fact, it’ll probably weigh pretty heavily on me the next few days. You had every right to keep this close to your chest for as long as you wanted.”

“You’re welcome.” She nodded through chewing her bite, “Be honest with me. Did you ever even picture yourself having a family? I understand you taking all the time you need to process all of this. But just for my own sanity, like is this something that is automatically a deal breaker?”

I shook my head before I had even fully processed the question, “No, not all. I’ve always seen myself married at some point in the future, and though I never really thought about it, I assumed kids were inherently part of that. So Jacob himself doesn’t impact how I feel with you at all. It’s being ready to even consider the role I would play, the impact I would have, the fact that Carter is a factor as well. You having a son doesn’t matter to me. It’s if I’m ready to date someone who has a son and everything that comes along with that.”

“Okay…” She absentmindedly reached toward my cheek to swipe some pizza sauce that had hung behind in the process of me eating, “Sorry, force of habit. So, when you showed up today, is _this_ what you were expecting?”

“You know? I can’t say that I had predicted this. But I’m not upset about it, I feel more connected to you now than I did yesterday. And that seems like all we can really ask for right now.”

“Thanks for being so understanding. I’ve never had to do this part of single parenthood before, and you’ve been nothing short of amazing.”

“I’ve never had to do this either… It’s all new to me too.”

She smiled, leaning in for a kiss, “We can be new at this together.”

As the day had progressed, our kissing had slowly grown more intense. Like we both were cautious to get to know one another before trying to take any form of control. I melted into her against the back of that booth, not even bothering to argue for dominance as her tongue flitted against mine. I embraced the affection as it was the only thing that gave me a minute to stop thinking. To stop the thoughts swirling around my head. I knew I was ready to date again. I knew that before our date today, I had every intention of dating Alison. But this was different. It was building a relationship not only strong enough for two people to stand on, but strong enough to support Jacob, his cancer diagnosis, his father, and everything else that came with co-parenting.

“Stealing my phrases now, are you?” I asked, leaning away from her to rest my head on the edge of the booth back.

“I thought it fit.” She kissed me briefly once more, “I haven’t been able to tell you this in person yet, but I like you.”

My eyes smiled. That’s how fucking happy she made me. She was light personified, and I never wanted to return to the shadows without her by my side. “I like you, too.”

“Still?”

“Still, Alison.”

After putting down a card to pay for the bill, she kissed my cheek, tracing the bridge of my nose with her own as she continued to speak, “Stay with me tonight, Emily. Drive back in the morning.”

“Wasn’t today a lot?”

“Maybe… but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want you to leave yet.”

I backed away, feeling like there was more to her request, “I’m not saying no, but think about why you don’t want me to leave yet. Really think about it.”

“What are you talking about?” She crossed her arms over her chest. I had hit a nerve she hadn’t expected me to.

“Is it because of me? Or is it because of earlier? Do you think that if I leave I won’t come back?”

“Isn’t that a plausible fear? That you’re making it through today just to make a clean break from all of the baggage that comes with being with me.”

“Woah, woah, woah. I don’t know where this self-deprecation is coming from all of a sudden. But I never saw your divorce as baggage even when I first met you. I know you didn’t mean it this way, but Jacob is far from being baggage either.”

“I didn’t – “

“I know you didn’t, but if you think that’s who I am. If you think that I’m the girl who is just silently praying for the moment I can get in my car and drive away, then you don’t know me at all. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re amazing, and you are 100% the reason that this is so hard. If we didn’t have such a connection, of course it would be easy to hear about Jacob and not be ready to take on the potential challenges. But the other part of me hears about him, his remission, your love for him, and thinks that maybe I’m the person who was supposed to come along and support you through it. That our strong connection from the get-go was for exactly this reason.”

“You’re a no to church, but are toying around with concepts of fate in your free time?” She smiled, “I’m teasing, promise. But you’re not leaving?”

“No, Alison, I’m not. If you wanted to get rid of me easily, you should’ve come up with a crazier story.”

“Damn… I knew I should’ve gone with two kids.” She leaned against my chest laughing, “I’m not kidding though. Stay with me tonight; let’s talk this all out before you’re 100 miles away from me again.”

I rubbed my thumbs against her upper arms, “Okay, I’ll stay. But I’m not sleeping with you tonight.” She gasped, in jest, “I mean, I’ll sleep next to you, but I’m not ready for – “

“Me either, Em. Don’t worry. By ‘talking this all out’, I literally just meant talking. When do you have to be at work in the morning?”

I kissed her temple, “I had already taken the morning off.”

“Emily!” She turned her head against my shoulder, “What a little sneak!”

“I didn’t want to assume anything, but wanted to be prepared! I would not look cute driving back at 5 am to make it back to Baltimore in time.”

“I’m sure you would be just as equally stunning. We’re about 30 minutes away from my place, is that alright?”

“It’s fine… lead the way.”

Her house was far more modest than I had expected it to be. On a relatively large plot of land on the outskirts of town, it was a fairly simple two story. She let me park on the other side of her in the two-car garage, leading me into the house shyly.

“Well, here it is. Nothing too crazy though. Three bedrooms. Three bathrooms. An office. A pool in the back. I can give you the whole tour, if you’d like. Can I get you something to drink though? Or would you rather – ”

She was visibly panicking, talking a mile minute. I smiled, biting my lip to hold in the laughter nearly being sent over the edge. “Slow down for just a second. You okay?” I walked over, holding her waist from behind.

“I’m nervous, I guess. I’ve never brought anyone back here… Didn’t want the photos to scare anyone away.” She rocked back and forth to rotate the two of us toward the staircase while pointing.

“There’s no reason to be nervous, and your house is beautiful.”

Exhaling deeply, she closed her eyes before speaking again, “I haven’t asked this yet. Do you drink?”

“It’s not the best look during residency, so I’m not an avid drinker by any means. But yeah, I love red wine.”

“Would you mind if I opened a bottle for us then? Make yourself comfortable.”

“Not at all. In fact, it sounds perfect after today.”

After her pointing it out earlier, I walked over to the staircase to look at the plethora of photos that lined the wall. Jacob was precious. He had Alison’s eyes and cheekbones and trademark blonde hair, but his facial structure, lips, and nose were all Carter. He was an ideal blend of the two of them. His smile was contagious through photo alone, and I couldn’t help but imagine a world in which he smiled at me the same way. I couldn’t even fathom what I was thinking. In a matter of hours, all of the anxiety initially surrounding my every thought had faded into acceptance of living in the moment. We were figuring it out, and past that, there was no need for me to worry. Everything was going to work out exactly as it was meant to. It had to work out.

“He’s pretty fucking cute, isn’t he?” Alison announced from behind, causing me to jump. “Oh, sorry about that. I didn’t realize you had lost yourself over there.”

I took a glass out of her hand as I made my way to the couch. She sat down next to me, kissing my cheek before taking a sip, “He’s very cute. And yeah, it’s hard to not want to be there for him. It was making me wonder what would’ve happened if I happened to be doing my residency in Baltimore at the same time he was at Johns Hopkins. A crazy what if, but I think that kind of just comes with the job… Wanting to do and be the best for every patient you come in contact with.”

“Well, the staff there really went above and beyond with his case. Other than some small scares here or there, I met so many parents and kids who had it far worse than we had.”

“You know, you don’t give yourself enough credit. Not only are you much better at talking about this than you made it seem on Tuesday, but you went through just as much or more than any parent going through something similar. The emotions are same in everyone I saw. Unless you’re detached, then emotions are a rollercoaster. But don’t minimize your experience, cancer is a bitch no matter how you cut it.”

We talked through the bottle of wine, eating our leftovers as dinner. After over 7 hours together, I had worried that we would run out of things to discuss. But with the events of the day, both of us were more willing to just put it out there, speak our minds, and not worry as much about the ramifications. If I wasn’t sprinting away at the thought of Alison having a son, what else was there for us to really be terrified about?

A little before 7:30, Alison’s phone buzzed. A text, which she willingly read aloud.

**_Hey, Al. Not sure how your date went today, but are Jake and I still on to call you at 8?_ **

“What do you think?” she asked, raising her eyebrow.

“What do _I_ think? What do you mean? Of course, you’re still on to talk. I’m not going to take that away from you.” I grabbed some more popcorn from the bowl we were sharing as she continued speaking.

“No. Do you want to be on the call?”

“Me? On the call?”

Alison laughed, nudging me with her toes as her back was now against the arm of the opposite end of the couch from me, “That is what I asked, Emily.”

“I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. I mean, I don’t know –“ I started stuttering almost immediately.

She began typing, speaking aloud as she went. It made me happy to know that she trusted me enough to be vocal about what she was sending.

**_Still on for 8. Also, date went well. As a heads up, she will be in the room when you call. Unsure if she’s at the meeting stage yet. How do you think he would take it?_ **

**_Thanks for the heads up. I think he’ll be fine meeting a friend. We can cross that bridge when we get to it though. Is she still a keeper?_ **

**_We’ll play it by ear. And she didn’t run away screaming when finding out about Jake, so what do you think?_ **

**_I think you should be lucky that I told you to go for it. Talk to you soon._ **

“A keeper?” I hit my leg against her foot as she was finishing reading aloud his last text.

Red hit her cheeks immediately, “Look, it _might_ be how I referred to you Tuesday night when I got back from coffee.”

“Good to know.”

We flirted casually back and forth over the next half hour. She loved throwing little quips and teases my way which only brought a smile to face. Sitting in her house felt natural, as though we had been with each other for months instead of days. The ease with which I did most things by her side impressed me more than it scared me. I wasn’t thrown off by the way we slipped into being by each other’s side. It felt effortless.

Her phone rang a little after 8. “That’s them.” She smiled almost bigger than I had seen her throughout the day. She rotated on the couch to sit next to me as she accepted the call.

“Hi, baby.”

Jacob and Carter’s faces filled the screen side by side as they lay in what looked like a racecar bed. “Mommy!” A shrill little voice echoed into the living room. I sat back to her left so that I could get a good view of them both without being in frame. He looked older than he had on the photos on the staircase. His hair had grown since the photos at Christmas for sure.

“It’s so good to see you tonight. How was your fun lunch with Daddy and your grandparents today, Bug?”

Bug? The fucking cutest nickname I had ever heard. Jacob’s face scrunched up on the screen as he went into immense detail about every aspect of lunch that his mother had missed. But Alison listened captivated by her son. She gasped and ‘ooh’d’ at the perfect spots. Through every ramble and change of topic, she followed right along. She was incredible.

I slid my hand down next to her on the couch, linking our pinkies together. I wanted her to know that I saw her. And I hadn’t understood it until I saw him. Until I saw him with her. This is what she meant by showing up. She didn’t need me to be perfect or know all the right answers. She needed me to be there, next to her without hesitation.

At the sign of his first pause in conversation, Carter interrupted, “Don’t forget to ask Mommy about her day too, Jake. We have to make sure that we’re polite when talking back and – “

“Mommy! What’d you do today instead of lunch?” He shouted, interrupting his father completely.

She looked at me, lifting a shoulder up in my direction to silently ask for permission as she replied, “Remember, I told you leaving church. I was going to the museum with my friend, Emily. You remember that?”

“Emily.” He struggled through the middle syllable, making it sound more like ‘Emlee’. But hearing that he even knew my name gave me the answer I needed. I squeezed her hand to let her know that I was okay.

“Yeah, we went and looked at art today. Would you like to meet her? We’re watching TV like we do at night.”

“Okay!” he turned to his dad, asking a question we couldn’t hear as Alison scooted to fit me in frame.

“Jacob, this is Emily.”

“Hi!” I waved at Jacob and Carter, adjusting my voice to fit the more than awkward circumstance.

“Hey, Emily! Good to meet ya.” Carter replied, giving Alison a wink. “Bug, what do you say?”

“Hi. My name is Jacob. I am 7.” He held out his hands awkwardly and out of frame.

I laughed, leaning my head onto Alison’s shoulder, “I know! Your mom told me so many fun things about you today. I heard that you’re a big fan of cars. Is that right?” He nodded, prompting me to continue, “I think that’s really cool. I’d love to see some of yours sometime. Would that be okay?”

“They’re in my room at Mommy’s! You can borrow one if you want, but I be back soon, so bring it back!”

“Oh, that’s so generous of you, Jake.” Alison replied, squeezing my hand again, “You know Emily is a doctor like the ones you go get your check-ups from?”

He sat up wildly, causing Carter to lag as he tried to follow his son’s movements, “Emlee, you have cut like me?” He pulled back his hair on his left side to show the faint scar against his scalp.

Carter whispered, “Jacob, she’s a doctor. She helps other kids like you feel better in the hospital. Kind of, right?” He looked at the screen wide-eyed, knowing that he wasn’t exactly right.

“Close enough.” I smiled.

“Do you know my friend, Dr. K? He helps me be brave when he shoots me!”

Alison turned her head, “Dr. King in Pediatrics. He takes his blood.” She laughed, kissing my forehead before catching herself. She changed the topic as quickly as she could so that Jacob couldn’t interrupt or ask any questions. “Are – are you going to have a good week at school for Mommy?”

“I finish all my math tonight with Daddy before bath time.”

“He’s right. He did a great job reading out his word problems. He got a sticker in his booklet for that one!”

“You’re close to getting your prize then, aren’t you, Bug?” Jacob nodded his head up and down, “Did you decide what you want yet? Maybe you’ll have enough for your treat by Sunday.”

“Ice cream!”

“Sounds perfect, Jake. I can’t wait to hear tomorrow if you get to add another star. Has Daddy already read to you?”

“Yep. We started the 2nd chapter of the book he picked out at the library with you last week!” Carter interjected.

“Can Emlee get ice cream too?”

Alison turned her head in shock toward me, “We can talk about that once you get all your stars, baby. Sleep tight for Mommy tonight?”

“Okay! I talk to you later.”

“Night, Bug. I love you.” She nudged me.

“Goodnight, Jacob. It was good to meet you!”

“Bye! Love you, Mommy.” Both Jacob and Carter waved at the screen as Carter pulled the phone temporarily away from their son just to talk to us. “Nice to meet you, Emily.”

“You too. Thanks for letting me join tonight.”

“Of course. Anytime. The girl you have next to you is pretty damn special; don’t forget that for me, okay?”

“Carter! The hell?” Alison sat up, “Goodnight! Go tuck our son into bed…” He laughed, hanging up the phone, leading to her continuing her lament. “… he is always looking to stir some shit up. Don’t listen to him.”

“What? That was incredibly sweet of him! How’d that go?” I asked, sitting up next to her on the edge of the couch.

“He asked you to go to ice cream! I think that’s pretty huge. It pretty much means you killed it.” We kissed briefly as she kept speaking, “Do you think Jake caught the forehead kiss? Is that going to be a big deal?”

“I’m sure he saw it, but I wouldn’t worry about it. You kiss him on the forehead all the time, I assume?” She nodded, setting down her phone and looking back at me sweetly, “You guys are great parents. Never doubt that.”

“Really?” She leaned back into my chest, “Carter and I worked for an extremely long time to make sure we were a functional team. It’s probably why neither of us have every introduced anyone else into the fold. Making sure we were good was priority number one.”

“I would say it was a success then. He really does seem like a great kid, Alison.”

“He’s the best. Thank you again for today. For all of it, even if you didn’t know what you were doing or what to say. You staying today, staying tonight. It means the world. Even if you wake up tomorrow and want nothing to do with me or all of this, I’m happy we had today.”

She was still so unsure. So perplexed by how anyone could accept her and her life at face value because she had never really tried. For as much as I was seeking comfortability in this relationship, so was she. All Alison wanted was understanding and someone who would meet her where she was in all of this. I was a different person now than I was this morning sitting on that bench waiting for a girl I liked that was 20 minutes late. I was a different person now than I was 15 minutes ago getting onto that phone call. I didn’t know where we going or what it would look like or the obstacles that were bound to be in our way. But I did know two things for certain: 1) The woman lying in my arms had no idea how amazing she was and 2) I wanted to spend every day possible reflecting how amazing she was back to her until she fully believed it herself. No matter what that took.

“I’m not going anywhere, Alison. I’m in.”

* * *

**A/N: No specific feedback about splitting these chapters up was given, so I will plan on splitting long chapters into 2 parts to be posted on Sundays and Thursday until there is evidence that is not a good idea! Haha**

**Hope you all enjoyed this chapter and are enjoying this adventure! Next chapter up on Sunday!**

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Thanks so much!

**\- secretpen28**


	5. Pretty To Think - Part One

I knew we were in trouble the moment I woke up beside her the next morning. Not because any part of me wanted to run. Not because I second guessed staying the night. But because I didn’t know how I could ever wake up anywhere else. I woke up blissfully with Alison delicately kissing different parts of my face until my eyes slowly opened. She waited until I smiled up at her to kiss my lips, pulling away to trace them gently with her thumb before speaking.

“Good morning.” she brought me in again, kissing me softly. Her hand fell into the crook of my hip as she settled closer into my body. “How are you feeling this morning?”

She immediately wanted to know how _I_ was after yesterday. As if her life hadn’t also been turned upside when she introduced me to even just the idea of her having a son. Her life was a balancing act, juggling between being a mother and a co-parent. And now, trying to juggle our relationship in between the two? She was nothing short of amazing. I looked into her eyes and knew that my luck had run out the moment I met her. That all of it had been used for us to end up in this moment. Having the chance to be with her was all the luck I would ever need.

“I’m waking up next to you… what do you think?” I kissed her forehead as she tucked her head into my chest. She casually threw her leg over my calves trying to manifest our inseparability. “What time is it?”

“A little before 7. I wanted us to have time together before you leave me.”

“Don’t make it sound like I’m trying to abandon you.” I wrapped my right arm over her waist, scratching her back as I closed my eyes, allowing silence to fill the space.

“What are you doing?” Her lips moving against my collarbone.

“Remembering what this feels like. I want to bottle how this feels so that I have some form of company until I see you next.”

I heard her faintly whisper ‘okay’ before settling further into my chest. I relished the strands of her hair that fell against my shoulder and followed that feeling down to my hip where her left hand still sat. Her fingers tucked under the hem of my t-shirt while her thumb straddled the line between gentle caring and promiscuity. I cherished the faint feeling of her lips resting next to my neck against her right hand in a fist. The way her breath barely escaped to make its way down the curve of my chest toward my stomach. I paused to smell her hair… tea tree with a hint of vanilla from either a body wash or perfume.

As soon as my hand moved from Alison’s back to her hip, she leaned backward so that we were face to face once more, “I think I might make it now.” I knew it was cheesy and probably entirely too over the top, but she looked as happy as I was. She looked just as content. As if she had been noting details about me too. “When is next time, Alison?”

“Are we doing ice cream on Sunday, or is that too soon?”

I kissed her nose in reassurance, “I think it’s too soon; I want us to be secure before adding in the relationship I need to build with Jacob.”

“Whatever you want, Emily. I’m doing this at your speed. Next week, I will have him and will be relatively out of commission though.”

I nodded, “I’ll see you this week then. I know that we have the donation luncheon for the gala on Wednesday. I think your dad is speaking?”

“Is that this Wednesday?” She reached for her phone, immediately typing, “I’ll ask to see if I can get an invite. But a private luncheon isn’t really a date…”

“Then Friday night for a date. I’ll cook you dinner, and you can stay with me?” The suggestion made her smile. More than her smile though, I saw the tenderness in her eyes. The way they held the light of my words to reflect back to me. The way they were captivated in my desire.

“I can do Friday.” I loved the way she looked at me. Every time we made eye contact, it felt like the first time she’d seen me. Like she was reconnecting with the small facets she had forgotten since the last time she had looked away. “Today, Wednesday, and Friday.”

“And Saturday.” I leaned into her, “See? If we want to, we can make this work.”

She kissed me with passion, allowing her want to drip off of her lips and onto me. Her chest rotated to trap me beneath her body as her hand laced with mine as it lay next to my hip. I was fascinated by the care she took with me. We held each other with purpose, but a cautionary tale was held between us as well. Despite the craving I felt in the depths of my being, I knew that pushing too far or too fast might crumble the foundation we were still yearning to build. I could feel her hesitating above me, allowing her hips to rest to the side of our embrace. My left hand found its way just below her ass, squeezing gently against her skin in appreciation of the moment. I wanted her to know that she was wanted. That I had every intention of knowing every part of her.

Alison pulled away after a few minutes of light making-out, neither of us pushing the other’s boundaries. Still tip-toeing our way through whatever journey we were on. “Okay…” she whispered, resting her hand against my chest. “Are you the type that needs a ‘what are we’ conversation?”

I blushed, “I haven’t had one since I was like 18. Is it needed for you?”

“Nope.” She shook her head, “I just wanted to know if you’d be thrown off on Wednesday when I introduce you as my girlfriend to my dad.” She kissed my cheek before asking against my skin, “Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah, Ali…” I squeezed my arms around her hips, wrapping her tightly into me. “Will your dad be phased at all?”

She rolled to her left back onto her pillow, “He shouldn’t be. I dated guys in high school, girls in early college, then Carter, and my dad helped me get the information last week on how to break into the office of one ‘Emily Fields’. So, I think he should be okay.” Her voice faded lightly, “Have you had an issue with that during your dating history?”

I turned on my side, “The last girl I dated… the one from years ago. She identified as bisexual, but I was the first woman she had ever openly dated and wasn’t completely out to her parents. To say meeting them for the first time was awkward would be an understatement. Her parents were very welcoming and open; no anger or confusion or anything. But I had to field a lot of questions for them that they either weren’t comfortable asking their own daughter or didn’t know were inappropriate. I wouldn’t care if you weren’t out or needed more –“

“Emily, I’m out. I’m openly out. My family is accepting. From my parents to my brother to my cousins to my grandparents, kind of. That’s nothing to worry about. I mean, Jacob doesn’t know, but that’s mostly due to him not asking questions about sexuality yet. He will know.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to stir up a frenzy. I want Wednesday to go well. So if I needed to prepare for anything in particular, I would.”

She traced one finger down the side of my face, looking at me intently, “You’re amazing. I hope someone has told you that over the past 5 years between your last relationship and now. I hope that you understand how much you’ve changed my world in a week. How much lighter I feel. How much I now look forward to the future. You have nothing to worry about, Em. And if something comes up that needs to be worried about, I’ll be right there next to you. I would move heaven and Earth to give you even an ounce of the protection and confidence you’ve given me.”

And as if saying the most simple strand of sentences in the world, Alison kissed my forehead and went to get ready in the adjoined bathroom. She said the most meaningful sentences as though they came to her naturally. As though they sat readily available to use at any point in time. It wasn’t that she was perfect. She could be unsure and hesitant and had moments of being closed off. But during the times I needed clarity or comfort, she sensed that and gave of herself the only way she knew how.

Alternatively, I needed more time to process emotions. I had to give myself time to process and sit in however I was feeling. Even though every inch of my body told me to follow her and give Alison that same validation, I knew that the only way to do that and stay authentic to me was to wait. To internalize her words and craft a response using all of myself that I could.

* * *

The more time I spent away from Alison, the more cemented I became in the fact that I never wanted to let her go. She invaded every nook of my brain. She added vibrancy to the colors of my world that now appeared brighter in every regard. Her eyes haunted me awake, wanting them to be back in my eye line so that we could both peacefully co-exist for even the shortest of moments we had together. She was quickly becoming the most important person in my life, and I struggled to recall how I ever lived without her.

The day of the luncheon caused people to be more on guard than usual. Hearing about the success or failure of our donation efforts could mean so much to the future of the lives we were constantly working to save. Whatever the amount could drastically effect the project Emmanuel and I had been working on and how long we could actually follow our participants. For some, it could mean life or death. And for me, it was a direct link to my future.

After analyzing one of my first blood samples of the day and filling out individual paperwork for the sample, I suddenly heard Dalton’s voice from the speakers overhead, “Dr. Fields, could you come to the front desk as soon as you have a moment?”

I replied abruptly, “Can it wait? I have to finish this sample.”

After a pause, he returned, “She says to take a long as you need.”

She. I gulped. It could only be her. I sat my pen down as I looked up to the lab which was full of lab assistants, Dr. Onyeke, and other doctors in training helping us in the ground phase of research. Their eyes met mine knowingly as my lead assistant researcher, Claire, stepped forward.

“Dr. Fields, I was next to you as you analyzed the sample. I can finish the paperwork if you need to go speak to someone.” She smiled up at me, giving me a brief wink as I began taking off my gloves.

“Emmanuel?” I whispered, walking past him. “Is this okay?”

“Of course. We could always use another brain around here. Full sanitary protocol even though she’ll be on the other side of the screen though. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect. Thanks.”

I went through full procedure before giddily walking toward the front desk. Smiling as I heard her laugh getting closer, she turned to face me as I was still dozens of feet from her. She stood with her hands on the top of Dalton’s desk, clearly in conversation, while she openly grinned my way when she saw me coming. Wearing a light blue dress that hit just below her knees, her hair was pinned back into an up-do nearly as perfect as the night we met. Her makeup was more heavily done than I had seen it over the past few weeks, which took me by surprise. Did she know that there was no need for it? Her beauty came from her simplicity. Part of me wished that I could reassure her of any perceived fault. That someday my presence in front of her would make up enough for any blemish.

“Hi, sweetheart.” I smiled, giving her a hug and brief kiss on the cheek, “Thank you, Dalton.” I reassured as he smirked, before I turned back to her, “The luncheon isn’t until 1. What are you doing here?”

“I told you that I wanted to see you in your lab coat… Did you leave that behind in the lab?”

I laughed, bringing her into my office, “I did. It’s required because I’m working with samples today. You can come watch through the glass if you’d like though. It might not be the most fun.”

“I’m here to see you in your element; I’ll take whatever is acceptable.”

I walked behind her to help take off her jacket, laying it across a chair at my small meeting table. “This is my office, by the way. I spend maybe an hour in here during the week. But when I work on Saturdays, we’re mostly in here doing interviews with family members and research participants.”

Alison paced around toward the back of my desk, turning to ask my permission non-verbally before sitting down at my chair, “Ahh… are these your parents? She picked up the only photo on my desk, leaning back to show me as well.

“Yes. This is Pam, my mom. And my dad, Wayne.”

“He looks so handsome in his uniform, babe. And you have your mom’s smile. I love it.” She stared at the photo taking in all she could from visual alone. “Do they ever come and visit?”

“They haven’t yet, but they’re actually planning to come up around my birthday or Thanksgiving. You can meet them then.” I wanted her to know that I was thinking of the future. That I was always thinking of the future.

“Okay, I’d love that. But go back one second, you did mention that your birthday was next month when we first met, didn’t you?”

I kissed her temple before responding, “I did. It’s the 19th.” She pulled out her phone without hesitation putting it into her calendar. “You’re all mine that night, okay? I mean, unless your parents are in town. I _can_ share.” She held her hands up innocently. “You have a little bit, but June 6th is my birthday, by the way.”

Closing my eyes, I repeated, “June 6th. June 6th. Okay, I got it.” Alison looked at me stunned, “Steel trap.” I pointed, while ushering her to stand.

“Reason #122 for why you are a doctor, and I am not.” She kissed me, linking our hands to head toward the lab. “It was great to meet you, Dalton. Keep an eye out on her for me, please. Don’t let her get into too much trouble without me here.” She called over her shoulder, waving.

“Nice to meet you too, Alison.”

I bumped her shoulder subtlety, silently loving her ability to make friends with another person at the drop of a hat. As we walked I noticed something I hadn’t in a while. With her by my side, I walked taller. I was proud of the woman at my side. I was secure in myself when I was with her because she brought out the best of me I could offer. It was my first true inkling of falling in love that I could visibly trace. She made me proud.

At one point in time, I thought love was simply a feeling. It was a point in time that you could pull immediately from and just know. As if love happened instantly and without hesitation. But as I recovered from my past relationship, I realized that love is a collection of choices. An amalgamation of highlights and interludes that showcase the simplest parts of a relationship. The parts that you don’t consider right away, and it isn’t until you’re looking back that you realize the perfection stitched between the details of your relationship that you hadn’t yet recognized. This was one of the those details: the beauty between the ease and peace I felt by her side.

Stepping into the lobby between the labs and cleaning station, I turned to run through some protocol, internally feeling every pair of eyes through the glass behind me watching our every move, “So, you’ll be able to stay out here. I can pull up a chair from across the room for you to look through the glass. And I’ll be right on the other side walking you through everything I’m doing. I’ll be able to control the little speaker once I get inside, so just stay near that and you can follow along. I can probably get through two samples before the luncheon, so you can help me with the second. How does that sound?”

“Perfect.” She kissed my cheek.

“Good. I will need you to follow full protocol though because of the small chance of contamination.” I pulled the chair over before leading her into the cleaning station. “Alright, first up is your lab coat. Here is an extra that you can wear.” Passing it over, I reached behind me to pull mine back on. “Once that is on then you can – “

“You are so fucking sexy.” She whispered, staring at me intently as I spoke while stepping toward me.

I held both my hands out, “Nope. No cross contamination in here!”

“But look at your name stitched above the pocket! And how it falls against the shape of your body…” her shoulders shivered as she did her best to not step closer.

I laughed through my next step, loving to see her this bothered by a jacket, “Glasses next.” I pointed toward the wall.

“You wear glasses too? I’m fucked if I have to watch you in this all morning.” She sighed, before looking at me putting them on. “How?”

“What?”

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes, “The sooner you realize how hot you are, the better off we’ll all be. What’s next, Doc?”

I blushed not knowing how to respond, “Thank you. Next, you’ll follow the hand washing guide on the wall in these basins. Usually you’d need gloves as well, but we can skip that since you won’t actually be touching any specimen or samples.”

We stood side by side as Alison followed each step diligently, even waiting for the water to fully warm before sticking her hand beneath the faucet. After getting soap on her hand and beginning to scrub, she casually reached over and connected our hands while mine were lathered with soap as well.

“I figure this is allowed?” She smirked, knowing she had found a loophole.

“I’ll admit that you may be the first who attempted this move. You’ll have to scrub again, but yeah, I guess it’s fine.”

“Yes…” she whispered in victory to herself before letting go, “Thank you for this, by the way. I tried to read up on the details listed through the website, but there were too many big words. Maybe seeing it in person and hearing you explain it all will be helpful?”

“Maybe? I’ll do my best to help.” I walked to the entrance door of the lab while pointing to her exit door. “See you on the other side?”

“The other side.”

The moment I stepped into the lab, all dozen or so people inside turned back to face me. I walked over to Claire quietly as she whispered, “She’s really pretty, Dr. Fields.”

“She is beautiful, isn’t she?” I replied, flipping up the speaker before continuing, “Even cuter with those glasses on, right?” Alison leaned on her fists, staring up at me contentedly. “Just a reminder, Alison, you are on speaker. So everyone in the room will be able to – “

“Hear me whisper sweet nothings? Listen as I ask really dumb questions? Hear me tell you how amazing you are? Those things?”

“Sure, Ali.” I blushed again, looking back at Emmanuel who started to laugh, knowing how uncomfortable I was.

“Well, can I introduce myself to the class if they’re going to get to know me so well today?”

“Yes, please!” One of the assistants announced from across the room.

She cleared her voice, “Good morning, everyone! I’m Alison DiLaurentis. It’s a pleasure to get to see what you all do for the greater good today. I’ll be focused mostly on my stunning girlfriend over here, but feel free to show me what you are working on as well. I’m here to learn!” She paused, waiting until I made eye contact to whisper, “How was that?”

“You ready?” I reassured, smiling, “You did great. On Wednesdays, my part of the team works specifically on something called liquid biopsies. So, the biopsy you’re probably familiar with would be an incisional biopsy or a tissue sample removed from a direct source of the cancer, such as a tumor. For us, a bulk of these participants completed cancer treatments or have been in full remission for 10 to 18 months or more. Because of that, we don’t have a direct source. As cancer cells die from radiation though, they release these small bubbles that enter the blood stream. Part of our goal when we take a participant’s blood is to trace it for these bubbles that can be released for extended periods of time in order to obtain partial DNA of the tumor itself.”

She raised her hand, sending me into a fit of giggles, “To clarify, you are getting the DNA from previously treated cancers from just a blood sample?”

I nodded, “Yes. When they break down in the blood stream, the particles are suspended within the sample. We are able to look at the patient’s original DNA and hopefully, over enough time of collecting partial DNA samples of the cancer, we can see where the specific strand of the original DNA breaks down and the mutated gene begins.”

“So you’re comparing?”

“Very small sections at a time, yes. We are coming at the end of the process, knowing what treatments were successful for specific strands of DNA. Part of our hope is to be able to backlog the success for patients currently undergoing similar forms of cancer. That way if we find a strand of DNA from Participant 3 that is similar to Patient A who is currently undergoing treatment, we can adapt methods for Patient A, knowing the success of those treatments for Participant 3.”

“Ooh!” she sat up in the chair, “This is the epigenetics cap things!”

“Potentially! It will depend participant to participant. Sometimes it will just be within their genetics though.”

“How does that happen?”

I turned to her with my eyes wide knowing the next place my brain was taking the conversation. “Can I discuss Jacob?”

She whispered in kind, “It’s possible with just my name that the people in here know my history with the hospital… But do you have to?”

“Not if you’re uncomfortable. But it might help your understanding?” She nodded as I continued, “I can’t say for certain because I haven’t looked at his explicit samples before, but there’s a chance that his cancer was genetic and not the cause of a mutation. A vast majority of childhood cancers are mutations, but some occur in base DNA strands. For example, the BRCA1 and 2 gene that are closely associated with breast cancers. Those are genetic strands that do not require mutation. They don’t guarantee cancer by any means, but having them does increase your risk.”

“So Jacob could have been born with cancer.”

“Most likely he was. Either it was built into his base genes or mutated in utero and manifested itself slowly outside of the womb.”

“And you could figure that out with a blood sample?”

I watched as her eyes faded from cerulean to deep gray. This is what she meant by being unsure if she wanted to relive the past. I had no idea that hell her and her family had been through. There was a darkness that surrounded Jacob’s treatment; there were hard times that I would never be able to manifest in my own mind to understand. The fluttering of her eyes back and forth reiterated to me that she was in the middle of a memory. Deep in thought about the what if’s surrounding his entire diagnosis, treatment, and remission.

“It’s a lot more complicated than that, but yes, this would be the first step. This study though is only for cancers during adulthood, so he wouldn’t qualify.”

“Yeah… I know. It’s weird knowing that the link could be right there, you know?”

I nodded, understanding the feeling of being so close and yet so far to a discovery. Though I had never been a parent, I could see that Alison blamed herself. In some way, she felt responsible. Whether that be due to potential genetics or ignoring the early signs or not being as present as she wished she could be, I could empathize with any parent who felt they didn’t do enough. It was as instinctual as breathing. I didn’t need a child to understand that pain. Because I would take away Alison’s pain in an instant if it meant she would be happy…

“Our hope is to expand the study once some early links are made in adults. So there’s hope, Alison.” At least, I hoped there was hope.

“Mhm-hmm.” She replied, while looking down at the vial being held in my hands. “What’s the next step then, Emily?”

She wanted to move on. More than anything, she wanted me to keep going and distract her from the racing thoughts in her head. She wanted the concrete steps. She wanted a plethora of words to swarm her thoughts so that the aching memory of her son’s past could drown in the wake. And maybe that’s what Carter would’ve done. Maybe he was the type of guy who saw her pain and hurt and couldn’t face it either. Maybe he had his own what if’s that broke down his ability to reason and be with his wife. But I could see her breaking in front of me and the last thing I could do was ignore that fact.

“Claire? Can you help me with something quickly?” I called out behind me, while turning off the speaker. “I’m so sorry that I interrupted your last step over here. Could you actually finish this for me? I’ll be back after the luncheon.” I whispered to Emmanuel on my way back to the cleaning station, “I’ll work late tonight and tomorrow. I promise. Leave whatever they can’t get to for me, alright?”

“You got it, Fields.”

I rushed through the protocol, ripping off my gloves, scrubbing my hands, and hanging up my jacket and glasses haphazardly before walking back into the lobby area.

“Okay, I’m here.” I smiled, down at her while gently removing her lab glasses. “Let me grab these from you and then, we’ll go find somewhere to chat.”

“Em – “

I helped her take her jacket off, shaking my head, “It’s just a chat. Be right back.” After returning, I took my hand in hers, walking her toward one of the open family sitting areas down the hall. “I cleared my schedule until after the luncheon, so I’m all yours.”

“You were in the middle of teaching me about what you’re working on though.”

“I know, but there’s only so much exposure therapy one heart can take for the day. It was too much for one day. We can do the last steps another time.”

She nodded, leaning against my shoulder as we walked, “How’d you know?” she whispered as though containing a secret when we sat down.

“Your eyes. They went from curious to sad; we can’t have that.” I kissed her forehead, pulling her into me. “You mean too much to me to simply ignore what’s blatantly on your face.”

“It’s hard hearing about it, Emily. I’m sure you can understand that.”

“I definitely do. And a lot of my job has made me desensitized to it all. I’m so fascinated by the science and the procedure that sometimes I neglect the humanity behind what we do. It’s easy to do when you’re not looking parents and children and sisters and brothers and other family in the eyes every day. In some ways, you have to do it to be able to do the work. If I sat there and thought about each individual patient each time I picked up a blood sample, I’d be weighed down by each story. But I need to do a better job of allowing myself to be weighed down by Jacob’s story. I have to humanize him in everything I do; I can’t neglect his humanity.”

“I don’t think you were doing that though. You were doing a great job making such complex things palatable for me. What you do is remarkable. It’s just tricky to stand there and hear that maybe this was inevitable.”

She picked up our hands laced together in my lap and began placing light pecks over the spots where our fingers intertwined. She did this delicately and with a sense of purpose I couldn’t quite place. But no sooner than her gesture beginning was it interrupted by a buzzing from her phone.

“Hey Dad… Yeah, I got to the hospital early to spend some time learning more about Emily’s study… Mhm-mmm, I can help… When do you ne - … Right now?... Sure, I can come listen… Give me 5 minutes, and I’ll be there… Yep, bye.”

“Need to go?”

She nodded, letting go of my hand before giving me a short kiss, “Thank you for this morning. I need to go and help my dad finalize his speech. I’ll see you in an hour!”

I always hated being interrupted. It was one of the flaws in my brain or way of thinking. Being raised so structured in childhood led me to seek a career just as ordered. Steps needed to be followed. Procedures needed to stay in place. Conversations needed to be finished. Alison didn’t know that nor did she know that I even had things to tell her. Another flaw of mine.

Because I clung to structure so tightly, breaking the flow of something going so well was a fear of mine. I never knew how to start conversations and hated when they couldn’t be finished. Pretty fucked up, but they were qualities I had slowly learned to manage. It was no one’s fault but my own. I had an hour, and I knew how to settle my brain.

Without making a scene, I quickly went back to my office and shut the door. The only way I knew to both finish our conversation and also get my feelings out without Alison being directly in front of me was to write it down. Write it out and be done with it. That was my best option. It was the solution that best fit the circumstance. Pulling out my _Dr. Emily Fields_ stationary from the hospital, which was still incredibly weird to reference, I took in a deep breath and put pen to paper.

* * *

**A/N: This was the only logical pause I could find in this chapter which makes the next one just a little over 3,500 words. Hope everyone likes this format!**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporter SquishyAnon! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive and original content coming in the new year! Find me over there under this same name! :)**

**See you all Thursday (or maybe Wednesday because of the holidays)!**

**\- secretpen28**


	6. Pretty To Think - Part Two

The alarm on my phone went off 10 minutes before I needed to be in the recreation room in the main hospital, so I finished my final thoughts before signing it. One simple action settled my brain better than I thought it would. Shaking out my shoulders, I checked my make-up and hair in the mirror before sliding the note into the pocket of Alison's jacket and heading to the luncheon.

I saw her across the room before she was able to see me. It was a near replica of the first time we met almost two weeks before. She made me smile from sight alone and reassured to me that my note was the right choice. Because across the room, she was laughing with others from around the hospital. She made everyone else around her just as bright as her. She made them better just by being. While caught once again in my stare, I felt an arm on the back of my elbow.

"I cannot believe how sweet she is." Dalton spoke from behind me. "She knew my name, Dr. Fields. I guess from having to send the flowers? And she spent the entire time we were waiting for you asking _me_ questions. Where in the world did you find her?"

"I think it might have been fate..." I put my hand on his back, leading him to our table with the crucial members of our research team: Dr. Onyeke, Claire, Dr. Onyeke's lead research assistant Diana, their plus ones, and my plus one, Dalton, who made our program run like a well-oiled machine.

Moments after speaking, the luncheon began with simple introductions and messages from lead staff members. I loved watching passionate people speak about our programming. From initial care through the treatment process, to remission, and post-treatment care, I worked with the best. Alison and I caught eyes multiple times across the room as they spoke. She always looked away shyly, melting my heart further with every glance.

After about 20 minutes, Alison's father was introduced. Kenneth Jacob DiLaurentis was a monumental player in our cancer center. Since his donations began five years earlier, substantial gains to areas of our program, usually neglected, had been funded in full. Emmanuel told me in great detail during one of our first meetings how he came through and fine-tuned the mechanics of logging specimen and abstract data. Completely hands-on. He had seen where the system succeeded and failed during the course of his grandson's illness and was dead set on improving every facet of our jobs step by step. Mr. DiLaurentis wasn't very physically intimidating. He stood at less than six feet tall with silver hair coursing through the sides of his cut. But his emotions appeared flat. He rarely laughed or fully smiled, typically sporting a smirk. The only true emotion I saw during the proceedings before his speech was him squeezing Alison's hand as he was standing to walk toward the stage.

I looked over to Alison as her father made his way to the podium. She gave me a brief wink before turning her head to listen, "It is my honor to speak to you all this afternoon in regard to the results of the gala hosted on your behalf by the Kenneth J. DiLaurentis Family Foundation. The Johns Hopkins Hospital is one of our three key beneficiaries that we support each year due to your amazing research and continued progress in the area of childhood and adulthood cancers. For those of you unaware, Johns Hopkins holds an incredibly close place in my family's heart and is the catalyst for my family's move into philanthropy over the past five years. My daughter, Alison, is here in the audience this afternoon. She was directly impacted by all of the work your hospital does when her son, Jacob, my grandson, was diagnosed with a Medulloblastoma a few weeks before his 3rd birthday. Wanting state of the art resources at my grandson and daughter's disposal, we uprooted our family for his sake. I am happy to say that Jacob has been in remission for nearly three years, and it is all thanks to the hard work of the doctors, nurses, and pathology staff here at Johns Hopkins. With our yearly galas benefitting The Sidney Kimmel Comprehensive Cancer Center, my family and I hope to give the gift that you provided our family to so many others going through similar struggles. As a part of the gracious donations from donors around the nation, as well as contributions from our foundation directly, we are honored to be providing $2.5 million today to the expansion of the child pathology wing of Johns Hopkins from the event itself, and an additional $1 million from our foundation directly to assist with any families struggling to pay for the care of their loved ones. Everyone deserves the care we received during our time of need. It is our hope that these donations will impact so many more during theirs. Thank you again to everyone who has played any part in the progression of cancer research and healing to the millions of Americans diagnosed with cancer each year. You all are miracle workers and are a blessing to each life you are able to touch. We are forever in your debt for the work and dedication you all provided to Jacob. Thank you for your support and your continued dedication to eradicating cancer in all its forms. It's an honor to be by your side."

After a rousing round of applause and a few more brief speeches, we were dismissed. A majority of the staff though chose to stay behind and network. It was my cue to finally have Alison in my arms again. I said a polite goodbye to my table before making my way to her.

"I'm so proud of the work you and your family do."

Alison took a step back, "You're proud? Did you see yourself this morning in the lab? Do you know the work you do?"

"Yes, of course, but those donations are going to change so many lives during the course of treatment."

"You are so adorable and humble." She kissed my temple, before interlocking our hands, "Let's go interrupt Dad. He hates conversations with too many doctors because he has no idea what they're talking about 90 percent of the time."

She waited patiently to the right of the group until she saw an opening, "Hey guys. So sorry to interrupt, but I do need to talk to my dad super quick. Could you excuse us?" Pulling her dad to the side, she made a swift introduction, "Dad, I know you wanted your duties for the day to be finished, but I want to introduce you to someone... Emily, this is my dad, Kenneth DiLaurentis. Dad, this is my girlfriend, the incomparable Dr. Emily Fields."

I was immediately taken aback because despite Alison directly addressing her father, his eyes didn't turn to meet hers at all. Instead, he kept his focus on me and me alone, "Dr. Fields, it is an honor. And please, call me Ken." He extended his hand, "I started reading your doctoral study published in 2017 with Dr. Huang out of UT Austin last night. I'm constantly trying to learn more in your field and found your initial research fascinating. It would be a pleasure to discuss it with you further once I've finished. Would that be alright with you?"

Alison had just said that he hated doctor talk yet here he was reading my doctoral study on bacterial resistance and cancer metastasis? I didn't buy it, but I swallowed my pride and made the best impression I could with my limited time.

"Oh, yes, of course. Emily is fine. It's so nice to meet you, Ken. I was blown away by your gift to our center this afternoon. The work you are doing for this community is astounding. Thank you."

With Alison's loose arm, she reached across her body to hold onto my upper arm, pulling me closer to her, "Dad, I would love to set up a dinner for the four of us, but I know with Mom travelling back and forth, getting both of you in the same spot is tricky. Could we get something planned maybe the first week of November? I won't have Jake, but I'd love for the two of you to get to know Emily more."

He briefly nodded her way before speaking through her comment, "You know, Emily, I don't think that Ali here has introduced anyone to me or her mother so quickly after meeting." He turned to his daughter, "I know it was different with Carter, but it's refreshing to see you out with someone you obviously care about so quickly. You must be pretty special there, Emily."

I laughed, trying to make up for the obvious distance between her and her father, "Your daughter is the special one... I think that we have to appreciate the time we have been given. And no matter where this goes, I would hate to look back and think that I missed out on one single second with her."

"That's nice. Alison, call my office about that request of yours for the first week of November. I would hate to pull out my calendar right now. But if your mother and I can make it work, we can go to La Maison. Emily, you would love it. It's this small, 16-seat French bistro that Jessica and I initially funded and we – "

"Dad, I'll tell her all about it. Don't worry. I'll call to talk to Janet in the front office tomorrow. Thanks."

"Pleasure to meet you, Emily... Alison." He commented curtly before walking away to speak to other specialists in the room as Alison and I started back for my office.

As we entered the main walkway back to our building, I whispered, "Is he always that chilly toward you?"

"Oh that. I mean, he's not a warm man if that's what you're asking."

"But he seemed overly occupied with speaking directly to me?" I squeezed her hand, confirming that I wasn't letting this go.

"Well, you have a title, Em. He holds stock in that."

"But not in you as his daughter?"

"Not really." She shrugged, "It's really not a big deal, Emily. He's always been that way."

"Doesn't mean it's right..." I mumbled in return.

"Thank you, but it's okay. I know where I stand in his life and past using my name for his foundation origin story, he doesn't have to do anything for me. He paid all of Jacob's bills in full, is good to my mom, and would be there for me if I needed him. I don't need his recognition, his acknowledgment or an 'I love you' to feel fulfilled. That's why I have you..."

She inched her fingers up the back of my scalp to pull me in for a kiss. I knew she was attempting to detract from the uncomfortability of discussing her father. And even though I had a deep desire to continue pressing her, I knew she was done with the conversation. She didn't need me interjecting my thoughts after one 5-minute meeting.

"Sweetheart?" I asked after a few seconds, "I hate to do this to you, but I have to get back to work. I'm already going to need to work late tonight and tomorrow to make up for the luncheon this afternoon."

"And spending time with me." She tapped my nose, smiling.

"And spending time with you, but it was well worth it. I'll call you when I get home tonight though. Please drive safely back to Rosewood for me."

She licked her lips and sighed into our goodbye kiss, "See you Friday, beautiful. I'll text you when I'm home.

* * *

As I took my lunch break on Thursday and looked at my phone for the first time since sending my morning text message to Alison, I saw that she had sent consecutive text messages in return.

**_8:03 am: Morning, Em. Have a great day! Already ready to see your face through my screen tonight._ **

**_10:22 am: Found your note. You are the absolute sweetest. Reading now._ **

**_10:47 am: Just finished reading for the third time. Your actions around me speak more than your words ever could. Please never worry about that. I don't need my words to ever be reciprocated in full; you are enough. I'll be sure to cover you in appreciation tomorrow and repeat your ending remarks back to you in person. This note means the world. Talk to you tonight. :)_ **

**_12:14 am: Had to take a break from work because I was thinking about your note again. I am so lucky to have found you. I am thankful for every moment you're in my life. Call or text me at lunch if you can. Miss you._ **

**_12:35 pm: Hey, sweetheart. Happy you found the note so quickly. I smiled through all of your texts and I hope it helped brighten your day. I miss you too and will see you on Facetime tonight. Can't wait to see your smile._ **

I was happy she found it and took my words for what they were, a token of acknowledgement. A moment for me to show that I saw her for who she is. For everything I wanted us to be. She deserved every word I wrote, and as I ate my sandwich by the bay window in the hospital cafeteria, my mind faded back into those words.

_Alison,_

_You just left to go help your father with his speech, but I've been thinking about writing this letter since Monday. You'll find as our time together continues that I'm not always the greatest with words in the moment. I get too swept away in the words you say and your beauty to be able to affirm you. Instead, I'm better at writing. It gives me time to think and process and put exactly what I want to say into what you deserve: the best. So, this letter may be a little word vomity because of all of the little points and events that have occurred the past three days with us. I hope you even like letters... I guess we'll see._

_My first urge to spill my soul was Monday morning when we were lying in bed just before you got up to take a shower. You told me that you hoped someone had told me how amazing I was over the past 5 years and how you've already been changed by our relationship in such a short period of time. I hope you know that I feel the same. That when I'm next to you I feel so proud and honored to be by your side. You give me a feeling of wholeness that I once only thought my career could provide because I hadn't felt it in so long. You bring a light into my life that was all but missing. And I'm constantly amazed by your ability to console me with a single look or word or action._

_Like you showing up at the hospital today. Of course it wasn't needed, but I didn't know how badly I wanted and yearned to see you until you were back in my arms. It's like I try to tell myself that the moments I get to be with you are enough, but then I have you with me and know that nothing feels better than that. For someone who was once so broken and timid without a partner, I am flabbergasted at the woman I am becoming. For you. For Jacob. For your family. For us._

_Also, you misunderstood me earlier. I wanted to explain, but we were interrupted by your dad's phone call. When I said that I needed to be weighed down by Jacob's story and not neglect his humanity, I didn't need you to confirm or deny that for me. I was speaking a fact. Because when I think about it, I need to do those things for our future, Alison. For me to even begin to understand and process the hurt you went through and the pain you feel just by hearing me discuss what I do, I have to be weighed down by his story. I have to recognize and palpably feel Jacob when I speak to you about anything I do. Otherwise, I'll come off brash and insensitive. Not intentionally, but I will. If I want to ensure that you can trust me with your son and his story, I have to be willing to let it affect me. I have to be willing to carry it every day just as you do. If I can't do that. If I can't stand in the pain of that. Then, I wouldn't deserve to meet your son. I wouldn't deserve you because you are Jacob, and a part of who he inherently is, is his battle with cancer. So even with all the steps you are taking to be okay with what I do, in some ways I have to be able to step out of my job and towards his humanity to respect the journey that your family has been on. I hope that makes sense._

_Lastly, today you mentioned that it was hard to process the potential inevitability of Jacob's diagnosis. I wanted to console you in that moment and try and soothe how hard that sentence must have even been for you to say. And I considered going through a religious debate of sorts through this letter regarding fate, but instead I think I just want to say this. The woman I met two weeks ago and the woman I am continuously learning about every moment we're together, would only be who you are now because you've gone through Jacob's diagnosis. It shaped you and your family in a way that nothing else in this world could. Having to hold onto that burden and potentially feel alone in that is difficult for me to ascertain. But I hope you know you're not alone anymore. I'm here to help carry that burden and process any of the inevitability you feel._

_I'm loving our journey. I'm loving the peace I feel knowing you're in my life. I'm loving learning something new every day. I'm loving falling in love with you. These are feelings I haven't felt in years, and I feel utterly privileged to be able to experience them all with you by my side._

_Let me know when you find this note... And hopefully you find it before Friday. Otherwise, I'll be a panicky wreck knowing that I said I was falling in love with you and not knowing your reply. Yikes. Anyways, dreaming of when I get to wrap you in my arms again. Miss you already._

_Yours,_

_Emily_

* * *

**A/N: Hope you all enjoyed this chapter a whole day early for the holidays! Hope you have an excellent end of 2020 and see you all Sunday! :)  
**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporter SquishyAnon! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive and original content coming in the new year! Find me over there under this same name!   
**

**\- secretpen28**


	7. Purple Pink Skies

Friday afternoon was filled with slight panic radiating through my extremities. I wiped down countertops more times than I could count. I paced the floor looking for areas I needed to vacuum again just in case I missed a spot. My stomach rolled imagining her standing in my foyer, imagining her sitting on my kitchen counter, imagining her walking up my staircase. She would be here. It made our relationship feel more real than it had with our public dates. This was going to be time for and with just us. In my home.

The doorbell rang just before 6:30, and I scampered to the door out of excitement. She stood behind a bouquet of white flowers, peeking out from around their edges with her classic heart-aching smile. In her right hand was a small overnight bag which I reached for immediately to set inside the door.

“You’re here!” I exclaimed, wrapping my forearm around her waist and barely lifting her over the banister causing her to squeal.

She quickly turned her face to place short kisses against my jaw line as I held her in my arms. “I… missed… you…” She muttered between pecks.

I sat her down as she brought her right hand to my face to fully kiss me, humming in glee as her lips met mine. My nerves dissipated without second thought having her with me again. I couldn’t even imagine the nerves I possessed minutes before she arrived because none of it mattered any longer. She was all that mattered. We were all that mattered.

“I missed you, too. Welcome to my home.” I smiled into her, placing my forehead on hers.

She leaned backward, passing me the flowers, “These are for you. I’ve been so excited to see where you live. This house is so cute! The teal door?”

“Yeah, let me show you around…” I grabbed her hand after locking the door behind us and leading her into the living room. “So the first floor is just these three rooms, but it leads into my favorite part of the house. The porch.” I left the flowers on the kitchen counter as I led her through the open kitchen and dining area to the back yard.

“It is gorgeous out here, Em.” She said from the edge of the porch, looking out into the extended yard behind the house. “You bought this when you moved here, I assume?”

“I came and bought it about a month before I moved with the relocation bonus that came with the job. It’s only about 10 minutes from the hospital, and I love the location. There’s a really cute basement downstairs and two bedrooms upstairs. It’s small but perfect for just me.”

She kissed my cheek as she reached for my hand that was resting on the railing, “The first floor is very… white.” She giggled remarking on my taste. I hadn’t noticed as I turned to look behind me. The counters, cabinets, and main fixtures were all white with accents of grey on the furniture and light brown wooden floors. “Seems very doctor-y.”

“I like things clean.” I shrugged as she laughed more.

She tucked herself underneath my arm as she pulled me closer, “You just definitely don’t have a 7 year old son.”

“You’re right; I do not.” I kissed the top of her head also starting to laugh. “You hungry? I figured that I could cook one of my specialties.”

“I’m excited! What are my options?” she asked as I brought us back inside.

“Thank you for the flowers, by the way. They’re quite stunning.” I remarked as I began filling a vase with water. “Well, I don’t think we’ve discussed this yet, but my mother is 100% Filipina, so I was raised on a lot of Filipino dishes.”

She stared at me with her head propped on her fist. She was taken with me that much was clear. It was still hard for me to process. That someone as stunning as Alison could look at me and see exactly what I saw back. She hung on my every word. It made me insanely proud and taken aback simultaneously.

“So, it depends on how adventurous you’d like to be. Now, I couldn’t pre-plan and start some of my favorite dishes which take hours and hours to make...”

“Next time, then.” She smiled.

“Right, next time. But, we can definitely make Pancit, which is a noodle dish and is always a crowd favorite. Or we can always go old-school, and I can make a delicious salmon with rice and vegetables. Take your pick, beautiful.”

“I’d love to learn something new. Say the name one more time for me?”

“Pancit.” I replied, accentuating each of the syllables. “If you want, you can help me cut the vegetables for it?”

She hopped off the barstool and around to me, kissing me briefly, “It has been forever since someone has cooked for me, so I’d love to help.”

“Are chicken and pork okay with you?” I asked, as she nodded in reply. “I’ll chop the cabbage if you can get working on dicing the onion, thinly slicing the carrots, and mincing the garlic.”

We both started our separate tasks in the kitchen, frequently glancing back and forth at each other as prepping the meal first began, “How was the end of your week, Em?”

“Pretty good. Just focused on getting all those samples logged so that we can work only on the skin biopsies next week. How about you?”

“Fairly slow. We only have the Christmas gala at the end of the year left for the foundation, so it’s mostly prep work for that. Nothing too specific accounting wise, yet. Just general paying people their salaries and such.”

“Ooh, when’s the gala?”

“Saturday the 21st of December. Trying to score an invite or something?”

I lifted my foot to tap her ass behind me, “I think I might have an in.”

“Do you? Anyone I know?” she chuckled, setting her knife down to lean backward and kiss my cheek. “I’m _pretty_ sure I can make that invite happen for you. Would you go back to Texas for Christmas?”

“That’s the plan. My parents come here for Thanksgiving; I go to Dallas for Christmas and the New Year.”

“If I happen to work that invite to the gala out for you, you think that you might be able to put a good word in for me to come to Dallas with you?”

She asked the question into the air, hoping for it to be caught. It threw me off though. Christmas was nearly two months away and here we were making plans as though we had known each other for months and not weeks. But we were already planning my birthday, Thanksgiving, the Christmas gala, and now Christmas itself. It felt natural to be discussing, but if I thought about it too hard, I started psyching myself out. I must have not responded quickly enough because she interrupted my train of thought.

“For New Years, I mean. I would, of course, be here with Jake for Christmas. Just a few days, if it’s not intruding.” I turned around to wrap my hands around her waist. “Sorry, too soon. I just get excited.”

I whispered a brief ‘nope’ into her ear before I starting kissing her neck. “Don’t apologize; you’re adorable. I’d love to take you home with me. How about we toss the idea out to my parents when they’re in town next month?”

She shirked into her shoulder as my lips began tickling the side of her neck, “Sounds perfect, Em. What’s next?”

“We have the meat cooking, the noodles soaking, and the wok heating up. So, it’s break time until the wok starts sizzling.”

“Break time?” Alison’s eyes smirked as she reached forward to slide her hands around my neck.

I smiled into our kiss as she brushed against my lips softly. Just long enough to feel them linger against mine as she pulled away before bringing us roughly together. I left one arm around her waist, using my right hand to hold us against the countertop securely. She kissed me with an open mouth, yearning to feel me as close to her as possible. Her hand groped my back as her other kept my head secure in her palm. She faintly bit my bottom lip as I groaned into her. Pulling away, she stood there breathing against me heavily. She drove me crazy.

“What was that for?” I asked, still holding her tightly.

“Your letter. I know I already told you on the phone last night, but I loved it. It really meant so much to me. And as I was falling asleep last night, I realized that I want to tell Jake about you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” Her eyes glowed, “You wouldn’t need to meet him yet or anything, but I want him to know about us. Let him know how happy his Mom is. He deserves to know about the person I’m falling in love with too. Wouldn’t you think?”

“Whatever you want.” I exhaled against her, pulling her back into me. It took everything within me to not take her on the counter right then. She sent ecstasy running through me without even trying. I craved her. Her touch. Her words. Her lips. Her voice. Her being. “Say it again.” I whispered against her skin as we parted for a few moments.

“I’m falling in love with you too.” She moaned as I licked her bottom lip before capturing her back against me. I could do this all night. Fuck dinner. I wanted her more. “I can hear the wok, Emily.” She groaned, pulling away and sliding to my right.

“Fine, fine.” I sighed, grabbing her hip with my right hand before turning around.

“Tell me what’s next.” She whispered, slinking her hands back around my waist, kissing my shoulder blade as she tilted her head around my side, too short to prop her head on my shoulder.

“Ali, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, but I need you to get your hands off of me.” She laughed behind me has her hands quickly moved away from my stomach and stepped away, “I can’t – I won’t be able to focus.”

“Noted.” Alison walked around and hopped up on the countertop next to the stove, keeping her hands in her lap.

“So, we take the meat out of the pot to briefly cool. But don’t drain the water; it’s the good part. And while that’s cooling, we start cooking the onions.”

“Should I be taking notes? Is there a test later?”

I looked up at her and winked, “I’ll give you hints, don’t worry. How do you think Jacob will react?”

“To us? I would assume that he probably won’t really understand. I’m not even sure if he remembers his dad and I being together. And considering that Carter’s never brought someone around him, as far as I know, he will most likely be very confused or won’t get it until he does end up seeing us together.”

“Well, let me know how it goes. I wouldn’t want it to affect him too much, you know?”

“It’s bound too though, Em. You’re someone new. We just need to be careful that he doesn’t think you’re taking me away from him or something. Or that you’re replacing Carter.”

“Of course I’m not.”

She laughed, “ _We_ know that, sweetheart. But he might not get that right away. It may take a bit of seeing you before he’s adjusted to the idea of it all.”

“Would it help if I met Carter first?” I asked, tossing the onions in the pan as they began browning and softening.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“But would it help?” I placed my hand on top of hers resting on the counter as we made eye contact. I wasn’t here to mess up the world Alison had settled into. I was here to settle into the world she had already created. I was here to establish a relationship with her that could easily meld into her world. And once our worlds collided, we could create a future all our own.

She answered with a short kiss, pulling away so she was only inches away from me as she stared into my eyes. I smirked. I had asked the right question. It made me exhale in relief.

“I’ll call him tomorrow night to set something up. Then, we can all be on a similar page.” I inhaled in the silence before continuing to speak, “Could you dice the pork and chicken for us?”

“Yeah, definitely.” She hopped down, walking around to my right.

“Now, I’m putting in the garlic just to add some more flavor before including the meat. Does this seem simple enough so far?”

“For sure. If you give me a couple more times watching you make it, I’ll make it for you.”

“I’d love that.” I kissed her cheek, “You can start tossing in what you’ve diced. We’re going to sauté all of this until it browns and then start adding in everything else.”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you that we do have dinner planned with my parents on the 2nd. Can that work for you? You work the second Saturday of each month, right? Did I get that right?”

“I’ll make the 2nd work, for sure.” I gasped, putting the pieces together, “Wait. I just realized that it’s almost November, which means we are about to go through one of my old favorite holidays, Halloween. Are you and Jacob going to have cute matching costumes?”

“Definitely. Carter is big into Halloween too, so we go together every year. Jacob wants to be Batman this year, so Carter and I are going as Catwoman and Robin.” I turned to her with my mouth wide open as she shoved my shoulder. “Stop it, Em.”

“Stop what? Imagining you in a skintight black Catwoman costume? Why would I ever want to stop that?” I smiled, tossing the ingredients in the pan as Alison threw in the last of the meat. “I expect photos, by the way though.”

“You don’t want to come with us?”

“I don’t know… We can see based on how my meeting with Carter goes?”

She sidled up next to me, pressing herself against my side as she wrapped her arms around me, “Are you nervous?”

“I’m sure I will be. He’s like the first line of defense.”

“Nah, I’m the first line of defense, and you’ve already won me over. That’ll be more than enough for him.” Feeling her kiss my cheek before walking away gave me a sense of peace about the whole scenario, “That’s actually a great idea though, Em. Once again, I’m not trying to put a time limit on anything, but it would be great if we could sneak you into a couple of Christmas photos this year.”

“Christmas photos?” I looked over my shoulder at her as she floated through my dining room looking at the photos hung on my far wall.

“Yeah, my parents pay for professional photos for all of us at Christmas each year. They’re on the 10th this year after church so that we can get them back to send off before the holidays.”

“The 10th? That’s in like 3 weeks. Do you want to come watch these next steps, Ali?”

“Coming! You should come even if it’s just for photos with me. I’d love a new phone background.”

“But I’d have to meet Jacob before then or that’d be weird, right?” She nodded as I kept speaking, “While you were over there, I added the carrots and cabbage and drained the rice noodles. Now, we add the seasonings: salt, pepper, and 5-spice. Can you add two ladles of the left over cooking liquid from the meat?”

“I would assume that meeting Jake would need to happen before photos.” She continued the conversation as she began spooning the liquid into the wok.

“Next weekend then?” I threw it out without thinking about what I was saying, “I mean, if I can schedule something with Carter before then.” I exhaled loudly, realizing the time frame I had just given myself.

“You okay?”

“This just feels like a lot.” I replied, picking up the pre-measured soy sauce I had set aside, “This is 3 tablespoons of soy sauce. Then, we add the noodles and cook for just a few more minutes to mix everything together.”

“Grab us some water to drink and then go sit, babe.” She whispered, placing her hand on my back. “I can do this last part. Go decompress. We can talk about it over dinner, alright?”

My mind was swimming in plans. I wanted to plan the future. I wanted to plan _our_ future. But making plans on top of feeling my entire life changing felt like I was no longer in control. I had been in control of my life for years and now, I was willingly letting go. And for what?

“Is there anything I’m supposed to add to the top of this once I plate it? The lime?”

The question wasn’t ‘for what?’. It was ‘for who?’. And the answer was right in front of me. It was her. I was changing my life for her. I was letting go and losing control fully believing that she was going to catch me.

Setting my plate in front of me, she starting speaking, “Tell me what you’re thinking, babe.”

“I’m just overwhelmed.”

She nodded, holding my forearm, “Tell me more. Be specific for me.”

“I know this isn’t the truth, Ali. But in this conversation, it’s felt like a lot of me changing and adjusting for your life. You know? Like all of these upcoming plans are me giving in to fit your life, and it’s a lot. It feels like my life is changing a ton and yours isn’t.”

“Okay.” She paused, letting it soak in before replying, “How about we start eating, and I’ll come back to that?”

“How does it look?” I asked, willingly moving forward.

“Delicious. It has smelled good since the onions hit the pan.” She paused, lifting her water glass. “To our first homecooked meal and to falling in love.”

“To falling in love.” I smiled, taking a sip before gathering a bite on my fork.

“Holy shit, that’s good,” Alison laughed with noodles fully in her mouth.

“I told you it was one of my specialties. Usually you only cook it for birthdays, anniversaries, or special occasions, but this felt special enough.”

“It’s definitely special enough. I understand what you’re saying though, Emily. You are having to give a lot right now. And probably before your mind is really ready for it. Would that be accurate?”

“Yeah…” I gulped, “My heart is ready, Alison. I want this, and I know that I will do anything to get us started on the right foot. But, your life just requires me to bend so much more than you have to bend for me.”

She raised her eyebrow, “How much bending do you need me to do? No, no, sorry. We’re being serious here. I think that this is part of any relationship though. All of this upfront is about you integrating your life with mine, but let’s think past that for a minute. For Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I’m offering to meet your parents and come to Dallas and take time away from my life for yours. You’re doing all of the heavy lifting right now, Em. I’ll accept that. But in a few weeks, it will be my turn.”

“So it’s meeting Carter, meeting Jacob, Halloween, dinner with your parents, going to church, and Christmas photos in the matter of 3 weeks versus my birthday, meeting my family, and traveling to a new city?” I didn’t mean for it to sound bitchy, but I knew it did. Her face slightly fell before she took a sip of water and started speaking again.

“Which ones are too much for you? What can I take off your plate?” She reached over, brushing the tip of my hair through her fingers.

“That’s not what I want.”

“Then what do you want?” She still wasn’t angry with me. She really was searching for a way to make me comfortable. “Look. I haven’t done this before either. I don’t know anything about timing or how much is too much. I’m just trying to include you into my life. I’m trying to make you feel like my partner in this. Be my partner in this, Emily. Unless we talk about what works and what doesn’t then it’s not a partnership. What can I take off your plate?”

I looked toward the table, still unsure, “I’ll come to Philadelphia next weekend to meet Carter and Jacob and go to church, but I don’t think I can then come back in the middle of the week for Halloween.”

“Easy. It’s off the table. What else?”

“Can we decide on photos later on? Like could I decide last minute?” I finally wandered my eyes up to meet hers. She was searching my face for answers. She looked sadder than I had pictured. Like me being overwhelmed was impacting her nearly as much as it was impacting me.

“We have to tell the photographer about a week in advance who all will be included so that they can time everything correctly. Does that help?”

I nodded, putting more food in my mouth, still feeling terrible for starting the conversation in the first place. After a few moments, I heard Alison’s chair shuffling across the hardwood around the end of the table until her chair was nestled right next to mine. She pulled her plate and cup in front of her before settling back in for another bite.

“Thank you.” I whispered next to her. “I haven’t done this in a while.”

“Look at me really quick.” Our faces were just inches apart after her scooting her chair right next to mine, “All I need for you is to talk to me. I promise to do the same, but we have to be willing to work out whatever the issue is. I’m not expecting this to be easy. But without you next to me promising to do the same, then we’re sitting ducks. I want this. I want you. Are you in?”

“I’m in. You were asking one thing after another, and it became too much.”

“I’m sorry. I get a little overeager when it comes to you because I’m so ready to spend as much time as I possibly can with you. But if it ends up being overwhelming, then we’ll slow it down.”

“How slow are we talking?” I smirked, tapping the bottom of her chin with my finger before pulling her toward me.\

“As slow as you need me to be…” She whispered as our lips met, a small moan elicited from her. Alison’s hand brushed the side of my face gently as she leaned back, “You feeling okay now?”

“Much.”

* * *

We spent most of the rest of the evening sitting in my living room sharing stories back and forth about our twenties. Despite her being a mother and me a student at the time, we could relate to the other's experiences more often than not. A little before 11, I carried her bag upstairs for the evening before we both settled into bed.

With Alison, I had learned to stop expecting things. It didn't matter how long we had been together or what date number this was or what the events of the night entailed, our relationship was in the moment. We didn't go by expectation. Our actions were completely dependent on the other. So as we climbed underneath my comforter, as she wrapped her arms around me so I could lay on top of her chest while looking up at her, I knew to expect nothing. Alison was my only priority. Anything else was secondary in her arms.

"I love your eyes." I whispered in the glow of the side table light.

Blushing, she replied, "You're incredibly endearing, Em. Sometimes I look at you and wonder how you don't see it yourself."

"See what?"

"How breathtakingly beautiful you are. You are seriously one of the most attractive human beings I've ever laid my eyes on, and you're lying in _my_ arms tonight after cooking _me_ dinner? I could've never dreamed to be this lucky. And I don't think you even know it. You've been so taken with your work and your purpose that you've neglected the inner you. I don't – I don't mean that in a bad way. You have self-confidence of course, but I look at you and see magnificence. I see indisputable beauty."

I knew what she meant. I wasn't oblivious to my looks; I saw myself in the mirror each morning and understood how the world found me conventionally attractive. I've dealt with harassment and cat-calling. I got it. But I also learned early on in my career that my looks wouldn't get me anywhere. I l learned that flaunting my looks were unimportant. And as I left my looks behind heading into college, I soon realized that my obsession with them faded as well. Time without that obsession made it so Alison's focus on my beauty sometimes came off as a surprise. It was unintentional, but the way she looked at me made me forget who I even was 80 percent of the time.

"But you're dating me... doesn't that introduce implicit bias?"

"Okay, I know what bias is. But implic – whatever, you're smarter than I am. Quit getting me off topic!" She swatted my shoulder while kissing the top of my head, "I'm trying to shower you with appreciation."

"And when do I get to do that for you?"

"Well, you're not dating someone who could moonlight as a model in her spare time..."

It was my first impression that the way Alison carried herself was part of a bigger façade. That the makeup and the perfection donned through her outfits was to protect something she'd rather keep hidden. That overtime she had been taught that some part of her was better off concealed. I wanted her closed off. I wanted her wide open. I wanted her regardless. But it had been so long that I stuttered through my next sentences trying to find my place.

"What's going on, Alison?" I brushed a tendril of hair from her face as we turned toward one another, "You're usually so confident and rightfully so. It's one of the many things I'm falling in love with. But because I know how you typically talk when we're together, it feels like you're trying to open a new door. Like this is vulnerability masking itself as self-deprecation? What are you trying to tell me?"

"Nothing." She closed her eyes, trying to lie while staring right back at me was too difficult to face. Alison's hands moved up to cover her face before she spoke again, "I'm af – to – you." Her words were muffled as she let a bit of one eye sneak through the slits between her fingers.

"I'd love to be able to help you through whatever that was, Alison. But I didn't understand a damn word. Try it one more time." I asked, pulling her hands from face and holding them with mine. "I'm listening. I'm here."

Her eyes still closed, she spoke clearly, "I'm afraid to sleep with you."

"That's it?" I smiled, leaning forward to kiss her nose, "We can work through that; I'm nervous too."

"You didn't hear me, Em. I'm afraid, not nervous."

"Come here." I begged, wrapping my arms around her back as she curled into my chest. "Then we'll work through that too. As much as we're going at my pace, we're also going at yours. We can always wait until the fear goes away. I didn't do any of this tonight with the expectation of getting laid."

"The fear's not going to go away. You're the first person I'll sleep with since Carter, and I'm fucking terrified."

It's not that I was surprised. Raising a young son and healing from a previous relationship had to be difficult, but part of me was sure that Alison would've slept with someone over the past three years. She exuded a confidence I never could quite carry, and even I had happened across some hook ups along the way. But with that note, I knew that I needed to dig further. I needed to see what had been holding her back all this time.

"Where's the fear coming from though, babe? Are you afraid because it's me? Because I'm a woman? Or is – "

"I'm sure that's part of it somewhere deep inside, but no. It's a comparison thing. You're beautiful. And I'm... I'm – "

"You're what? Do you have Carter's name tattooed across your chest or body hair or insecurity about not having experience the past few years?" She shook her head, a small smirk forming at me poking fun, "I only ask because literally none of that matters to me. Because I look at you and see every inch of your beauty, Ali. I know I can't convince you of that and that for some reason you look at me and think I'm unattainable. But touch me. Put your hands on me. I'm yours."

She gulped against my chest while trailing one hand down to the hem of my shirt. She leaned back to lift the hem, revealing my relatively flat stomach and sighed, pulling my top back down and curling further into me.

"My body doesn't look like yours..." She kissed against my collarbone, whispering her deepest secrets against my skin.

I reached my hand up the back of her shirt to scratch her back, while starting to sit up to rest against the headboard of my bed. I didn't know how to proceed. How do you convince someone that you find them sexy as hell? How do you tell them that just thinking of them makes your heart skip a beat? How do you do all of those things while being just as vulnerable as she was being? And there was only one thing I could think of, so despite being currently fully clothed, I reached to my waist line and started undoing my pants.

"What are you doing?" Alison asked, immediately sitting up as I began pulling my jeans down my legs.

I draped my legs off the side of the bed before standing, reaching behind me to add overhead light from the ceiling fan of my room. Turning around, I stood facing my girlfriend, pulling my shirt over my head and standing with my legs and arms spread to their sides, only in a bra and underwear.

"Take a close look, Ali. My body doesn't look like it used to either. I have stretchmarks on my thighs and..." Rotating to my back, I pointed, "my ass. My biceps have lost their shape from college and now, I have these little bits of skin that hang just above my armpits." I barely hit it with my left hand so that it shook to emphasize the loss of definition. "I would take my bra off, but it seems like we're not there yet." I tilted my head back to look over my shoulder, "Which is fine! But my tits are 100% not the same as they were at their best. I – "

Alison interrupted me with hands around my waist as her head leaned against me, " I get it." She placed a kiss on one of the dimples in the arch of my back.

"If those were my reasons for being afraid of sleeping with you, what would you say?" I asked, spinning back to face her while still standing.

"That you're an idiot. That you're still beautiful."

I crouched in front of Alison so that I was eye level with her, "And those are my insecurities without being a fucking badass who brought a life into this world. Who carried a human being, who, from all that I can tell, is a badass like his mother. Those are my insecurities without going through a divorce and without breast feeding and without going through anything you have. But my insecurities don't matter to you because you see past them. You know who I am without that. You see me how you see me, not how I see myself. I see you the same way, Alison. You are amazing and no matter how afraid you are of rejection or comparison or letting me down in some way or something. Whatever is trapped in there," I tapped her head, "I don't fucking see it. I see you how I see you, not how you see yourself. I see you brave. I see you loving. I see you ambitious and determined and honest and patient. I see _you_. And every single part of what I've seen so far is so fucking sexy. You turn me on without even having to try. Don't be afraid." I gulped, hoping that my words were finally enough, "Please don't be. I'll wait as long as you need. But know that I have accepted you whole-heartedly and nothing will take that away. Nothing."

She leaned forward trapping me in a kiss, as my hands moved to hold her face, "So much for needing to write fucking letters..." She muttered against my lips.

I started standing while still maintaining our kiss. With one arm reaching behind me to turn off the overhead light, I began arching her backward onto the bed as I worked on scooting us toward the center before straddling her. One of her hands settled on my waist, not wanting to move any further, as I cupped her upper arm while holding her other hand gently in my own. I kissed her softly, only adding more passion as I felt her tongue slip into our embrace. She sighed into me as I sat up against her hips.

"May I?" I asked, reaching for the hem of her shirt. She closed her eyes, leading me to place soft kisses on the nape of her neck before whispering in her ear, "I've got you, darling." My thumb traced in the inside of her palm and I nipped at her ear, sending her into a fit of giggles. "I love your laugh." I kissed her cheek again before sitting back up, "May I? I'll stop whenever you say to, Alison."

She nodded, biting her lip as my eyes lit up. Alison sat up on her forearms to give me room to take her shirt fully off, and without even glancing at her body, I leaned back in to kiss her. I would be lying if I said that I didn't actually care about what she looked like. Of course, I cared in some ways. But more than that, I cared about exploring every single inch of her that she would permit me to. I cared about her being vulnerable. I cared about her letting go. I cared about her faith in me to carry out this simple step. I had the rest of my life to learn the body beneath me; I only had a few minutes to continue earning her trust.

"Are you okay?" I asked with my lips hovering over her collarbone. She squeezed my hip, allowing her to hold onto some of my extra weight. "Is that a yes? I need a yes, sweetheart."

She kissed the top of my head, "It's a yes."

"Okay..." I exhaled, licking her neck gently before grinding against her just to hear her breath escape. "You're beautiful, Ali. I'm going to work my way down your body now, okay? Not going to take off your bra or touch your chest. Just kissing."

"Mmmm." Her only reply, as her fingertips danced up my right side, sending a chill down my spine.

I took my time, nurturing the bond we were establishing through touch alone. I savored the moments she allowed me to have, nipping and kissing at her skin as I felt her wriggle beneath me. Not knowing how long it had been, when my mouth reached the waist band of her yoga pants, I rested my chin back on her stomach looking up at her.

"Should I stop here?" I wondered aloud, kissing her hip bone as she exhaled once more.

"I don't want to do anything more than this tonight... but you can see."

She reached down to cover my hands with hers as she began rolling the pants over her pronounced hips. It took a few rolls before I realized what she meant. It was a scar that extended about six inches horizontally just below her stomach. A C-section scar. She was terrified of me seeing evidence of her courage. Of course she hadn't slept with anyone; no one else had been given the privilege of even knowing about Jacob. This wasn't about me.

"I was in labor for over 32 hours. Twelve of which I was 7 cm dilated before they found out Jacob was breech. I hate it."

" I love it." I interrupted, my thumb barely tracing down from her hip toward it, "This is how you were able to give birth to the greatest gift of your life. You have no reason to hate what gave _him_ life."

"It's ugly and healed terribly. I feel like my body failed me." She looked away from me, trying to tear me away from even staring at the scar for too long.

I inhaled, hearing the pain in her words, "May I touch you?"

"Yeah, I trust you."

"Thank you." I kissed her hip once more before allowing my thumb to trace the length of the scar, "Your body failed no one, sweetheart. It gave you and Carter, Jacob. It kept you healthy enough to make it to me. It healed exactly as it was meant to. The scar is the origin of your greatest success. How could it ever be a failure?"

I felt her body heave as she started crying, "Ali?" I asked, sliding up the side of her body before wrapping my legs in hers while cuddling into her side, still lying on my own. "It's okay, baby. You're okay."

"It doesn't scare you?" She asked through her sobs as I kept my left hand on her stomach.

"Not in the slightest."

She turned her face to reason with me, "But it's off-center and elevated because of the scar tissue and – "

"And it's beautiful. It's exactly what it is meant to be, Alison. I see you, and you are amazingly and outstandingly beautiful. Don't for one sec – "

Alison flipped me on my back before I could finish my thought. I felt her readjust her pants so they were back on her hips, but then she was mine again. Kissing me briefly and tenderly to show her gratitude. It was the least I could do. She was a hero. She was magnificent. She was breathtaking. And she was mine. And if she was going to struggle through hearing me call her beautiful, then I guess I needed to keep saying it until she believed it herself.

I'd say it until the end of time if that's what she needed. Because _she_ is what I needed. Nothing less and nothing more.

* * *

I woke up to Alison's lips on my neck as her hand snuck its way up my t-shirt. Her left leg snaked its way between my own until it tucked behind my bottom leg.

"Emily, wake up." She whispered before moving her attention back to my pulse point.

Lying my hand over her waist, I replied, "I'm up... Do you always wake up your significant others with face kissing or neck sucking? Because I'm not going to complain but – "

"I want you."

My eyes shot open as her thumb traced just below my bralette. "Ali, I'm flattered. But 12 hours ago you barely wanted me to touch you."

"And I'm an idiot." She bit at my ear, swirling her tongue just below it, causing my eyes to involuntarily close. "But you were right last night, this is a lot, and we've been through a lot as a couple already. There's no reason we haven't fucked yet."

"Are you trying to stop thinking about something?" I interrupted, settling my hand on her ass, "Because you're not making a ton of sense."

"Please don't turn me down, babe." She groaned into my neck.

And repeating her words from the night before back to her, I pulled away saying, "Unless we talk about what's bothering you, then it's not a partnership. What can I take off your plate?"

She removed herself from being entangled in my body and rolled to her back, "So, we're really doing this?"

"What is _this_? Us?"

She sighed, sitting up next to me as she reached one hand behind her for us to stay touching, "I think the driving part is what's weighing on me the most."

"Ah, logistics."

"I'm not going to see you for a week, and I missed out on my chance with you last night by having stupid body issues."

I rested my head on her shoulder while keeping ahold of her hand, "They're not stupid body issues. And you didn't miss out on your chance, as if there's only one. But right now obviously isn't the right time, Ali. We'll try again next weekend, sweetheart." I kissed her shoulder before continuing, "Let's go back to what you started with. Why is the drive weighing on you?"

"Right now in these early stages, it's not a big deal, you know? I'm sure that we'll figure it out early on. But let's say months from now, how is this practical? One of us is bound to have to move and – "

"Ali." I squeezed her hand waiting for her head to turn back toward me, "Alison, I get why you're worried. It's a lot to think about right now, especially when every time we've seen each other our connection has gotten stronger. But I don't know what I can tell you... I'm not leaving my job. I can't. I was recruited for nearly 6 months before coming here; I'm working on a longitudinal project with one of the biggest hospitals in the world."

"I figured."

I could see in her eyes that she knew it was her turn to compromise. It was her turn for her life to change. If I was going to change most aspects of my life for her, she was going to need to compromise too. It had just taken her this long to see what her compromise needed to be.

"And you?"

"I could move. Me, personally, but I can't move Jake from his dad or his grandparents."

"Even if Sundays still happened?"

"That's still me driving every week multiple hours."

"There's always the train; it's only an hour. We could work something out with pick-ups and cut like 30 minutes off?"

"At some point, I'd have to buy a place here, I guess because I don't want Jake having to get accustomed to a home that wasn't initially mine."

"You're jumping too far ahead. Breathe for me a little bit. There is no need to panic here." She took a deep breath before I started talking, "What about this? You said you work from home, right?" She nodded. "What if on the weeks you don't have Jacob, you come here, and then on weeks you do have him, I will come to you on Friday or Saturday?"

"So I'd be paying for a home that I only live in half of the time?"

"Isn't that better than having two different places though?"

"Then we're still apart for days at a time."

"Four-ish days every two weeks? We can do that, can't we?"

She fell down into me still lying on the bed, "I mean, that plan might work..."

"And if we get more serious than just dating, then maybe we move on to your plan. Maybe Carter will meet in Newark?" I whispered the last question, sending her into laughter on top of me.

"Remember, we're both in, babe. We're making it work."

Alison adjusted herself to be sitting against my chest as I rested on my side, "So, our plan for this upcoming week?"

"You're telling Jacob about us at some point before this weekend. I'm calling Carter to set up coffee or something for next Saturday. I'm staying at yours Saturday night and going to church with you and your family on Sunday."

"Then, I come back with you on Sunday until Wednesday or Thursday when I have to leave for Halloween?" She kissed my cheek.

"You're coming back with me on Sunday." I affirmed. "And we'll see how it goes. I'll take any time with you that I can. Just promise me something."

"Anything." She smiled, resting her hand on my cheek.

"We're always going to be working on us through this, that's a given. But Jacob comes first." She tilted her head at me, confused. "If at any point Jacob is struggling or is effected by you travelling back and forth, we stop it and figure out something different. Jacob comes first."

She wrapped her arms around my neck as I rolled her onto her back. Alison kissed my cheek repeatedly soaking up my words as I laughed into her ear. And as I lifted myself up onto my hands to look into her eyes, I watched her wipe away the smallest of tears as she smiled to say, "How the fuck did I get so lucky?"

* * *

**A/N: I neglected to post the first part of this chapter on Sunday, so here is the full 8,000+ word chapter a day early!  
**

**Ugh. I love this chapter so much. Is it weird that I'm falling in love with them as I write them more and more? Let me know. Haha. Hope you all enjoyed!**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive and original content coming in the new year! Find me over there under this same name!   
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**Stay safe during the new year and sending so much love to you all heading into 2021!**

**As always, Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	8. Dwindling Mercurial High - Part 1

Nearly seven full days without Alison by my side was proving to be more difficult than either of us had anticipated. I made it to Tuesday before I felt myself starting to crack. We spoke over the phone twice a day: during our lunch break, which Alison had adjusted to fit my schedule so that we could Facetime during those 30 minutes, and at night after Jacob was asleep. Our nighttime calls had a strict midnight cut off, but I found my mind thinking about her long into the next morning. I think it was her smile. The sincerity that lingered just past her lips. I loved making her smile. Or laugh. The way her giggle caused her shoulders to pull up at her sides and tuck her head into the right of her collarbone. Or when I made her laugh too hard and the phone in her hand fell onto the bed so that I could only hear its boisterous echo. But every time I considered her laugh or her smile, I remembered the moments of silence between us. The times that while lying on my side staring at her that she did the same. As if internally etching each divot and feature to hold us over until our next conversation. She frequently bit the side of her bottom lip obviously deep in thought, and I knew I would give anything to be inside of her mind. To be one with her thoughts. To be even closer than we already were.

I was already lying down Tuesday night when I heard the phone ring on my bedside table. Picking up my phone, I checked out my reflection in the screen before accepting the call, ensuring that my ponytail was intact and my sports bra adjusted to tease Alison just enough for her to be simultaneously annoyed and grateful.

Sitting up against the headboard, I tilted my head adorably to answer, "Hi, babe." I kicked my feet involuntarily out of excitement as she popped up on my screen. She was settled into her robe while walking into her bathroom to start taking off her makeup, as was part of her nightly routine.

Hearing me speak as she was still adjusting her voluminous hair behind her right ear, she smiled endearingly, "Hey..." Her voice was distant until she looked directly at me and blushed, "Ooh, you dressed up for me tonight."

Earned smile #1. I tracked internally as I lifted my phone diagonally to the side for her to get a better view of me in just my bra. "I figured that after all of your teasing with your robe on each night that I might as well return the favor."

She held up her hands as she propped her screen against her mirror with a makeup wipe in hand, "Look, I'm not going to complain about it by any means. But I would much rather have you here instead."

"We were so spoiled last week and didn't even know it." I groaned.

"I know, sweetheart. But we can appreciate the next time we see each other even more. Give me one second to get this eye makeup off?" she asked, peeking her face in front of the lens with only half of her makeup removed, "Then, I'm all yours."

"Sounds good." I watched her do a silly dance as she rubbed her eyes complete with a small shimmy and full body twirl in her robe.

She was quickly becoming everything to me. Seventeen days was all it took to know that my life had been meaningless before her. I had been accomplished and successful, but I had never been fulfilled. I had never seen my brokenness on full display and known someone else was that missing piece. I had spent my adulthood wondering when she would come along and now that she was here, I pinched myself daily to make sure this wasn't a part of an elaborate scheme.

"You're beautiful." I whispered as she pat her face dry before starting on her moisturizer. "Like right now, exactly like that."

Alison laughed, "The bags underneath my eyes would beg to differ. You have rarely seen me with my makeup off in person. I'm sure the camera makes it all look a little better than in real life."

"You mistook what I said, Ali. You're beautiful all of the time however you wish to look. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I find you equally attractive in that pink robe, hair in a messy bun, and no makeup on as I did the night you took my breath away at the gala. I'd tell you same thing if I was in front of you right now, or if I woke up in your arms tomorrow morning, or if I only saw you in makeup for the rest of our lives. I love you in all your forms and want you to be assured of that no matter if you feel incredibly confident or surprisingly vulnerable. Does that help?"

I watched Alison's face transform in front of mine as she sat on her bed. Her confusion turned to smiling turned to questioning turned to laughter turned to caring and candor. She sat silently leaning against her headboard staring at me endearingly.

"What?" I asked, looking at myself in the corner of my screen, "Did I say something wrong? Is something in my teeth?"

"You're fucking adorable." She grinned, my stomach flipping without warning. "You didn't even hear yourself, did you?"

"Hear myself what, Alison? Support my girlfriend? Fawn over how gorgeous you are?"

She slid down onto her pillow, knowingly smirking as she adjusted herself on her side watching me squirm. "No, babe. You're perfect." She propped herself up on her elbow before pulling the screen closer to her so that only her face was in frame, "I love you too, by the way."

I shook my head at her words, "Hold on. What was that?"

"Don't 'what was that?' me, Emily Fields! You said it first!"

I looked over my shoulder as if in disbelief, "When?"

"Just a minute ago, Em. That's what made you so adorable. You didn't even know you said it. You said it like it came to you as easily as calling me beautiful. You still don't know what you said."

"I – I don't think that –"

She collapsed onto her pillow laughing, "Who knew that your caught off-guard face would be the cutest thing I had seen all day? Need me to walk you through it?" I nodded silently, my mouth still agape, "You were discussing how _breathtakingly_ beautiful I was." She gestured, pretending to toss her hair like a celebrity in a shampoo commercial despite having it up, "And then, you said that you loved me in all my forms. Remember that part?"

"Holy shit." I whispered, bringing a hand to my mouth.

"Holy shit is right. Did you not – " Her voice started catching as she began second guessing what she had said as well.

"I mean, of course I love you, Alison. I thought Saturday made that abundantly clear, but I was hoping to make it more special than a slip-up."

"It being unintentional is the best part though." She tucked her hand underneath the left side of her face as she stared at me. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"It's cheesy as fuck, but you give me butterflies through just the screen. Just sitting there smiling. You do it effortlessly."

"I'm happy it comes off that way because I put in quite a bit of effort. Take this sports bra, for example. It's definitely one or two sizes too small just to make 'em pop a bit more." I arched my back to add emphasis as I spoke.

She licked her finger before pretending to write next to her, "Wow. A true pro tip. Anything else I should know?"

"Well, I wouldn't recommend this one really. My ribcage is now regretting it." I stretched, trying to extend the band.

Her eyebrow raised as she continued, "You could always take it off?"

"Alison DiLaurentis! What are you insinuating? I am a professional!" I gasped, while smirking. I loved to tease her even though I was already moving for my dresser.

"No one would know..."

"Oh, you know that the FBI agents screening these videos would have a field day. Pun intended." I winked over my shoulder, leaving the phone on my bed before turning my back to the screen. "Don't get any ideas now, Ali." I commented before pulling the bra over my head so that my back was fully exposed.

"How am I not supposed to get ideas when you're literally half-naked in front of me?"

I rummaged for a large t-shirt, throwing it on over my head before turning back to face her, "I've gotta keep some things a secret for you."

She rolled her eyes, "Guess I'll have to wait until this weekend then."

"Ooh, bad news." I interjected. "I meant to tell you this yesterday, but I guess it comes with the territory..."

"You can't come up?"

"No, I can. I promised you I would and already have my hot date set up with Carter. I got an alert on my phone yesterday though reminding me that my period is supposed to start on Thursday." I grimaced, waiting for her reaction.

"You know, I had been sitting here thinking about how I had forgotten that there were literally _no_ cons to dating a woman. Completely oblivious to the obvious; I stand corrected."

I laughed, climbing back into bed, "I'm sorry! I can't help – "

" – Emily, it's no big deal. We should probably hold off on having sex two rooms away from my son for now anyways. We can wait until Monday or Tuesday, right?"

"Penciling it in for us now?"

"It's the only way I know how to cope, babe! Let me have this, please!"

"I promise to make it worth the wait, Ali. Don't worry."

"Moving on!" she readjusted herself, sitting up before sighing, "Oh, I started talking to Jacob about us at dinner tonight."

"You did? How did it go?"

"He's _pretty_ confused..."

"How so?"

"He surprisingly remembers that Carter and I were married but because of that, his whole idea of dating is only marriage. It was actually pretty cute. You know how I told you that he asked about you on Sunday?"

"Yes..." I smiled, enthralled in her story and remembering two days before when Alison relayed that he asked about why I couldn't come to ice cream after church. I loved someone I had never had the pleasure of meeting. He already had a piece of my heart because his mother had a piece of mine.

"So, I told him that you were going to start being around more because I liked you a lot. I mentioned how kind and caring you are and how happy you make me. And because of how much I like you that I decided to ask you to be my girlfriend."

"I love this so far."

"Well, he started asking if we kiss like 'Daddy and I used to'." She cackled, which sent a broad smile across my face, "And so I told him that he may see us kiss sometimes. That then spawned into when we were getting married."

"I assume you gave him the exact date and time?"

"Shut up. No! I told him that before people get married, they have to make sure they love each other more than anything. And he immediately thought that meant more than him, so he started getting sad, and we got a little derailed."

"Alison! You made him cry?"

"I feel terribly about it, but it just came out wrong! After cuddling in my lap for a few minutes, he then wanted to know if his Dad cried when I told him too."

"You are raising the most precious child in the world, I swear."

"So, I said that Carter didn't cry and was actually really excited that Jacob was going to see me with someone who makes me so happy. And he looked up at me, put his little hand on my cheek, and asked, 'Will she make me happy, too?"

"No..." I immediately had to look away from the screen to make sure my eyes didn't begin welling up.

Even though Alison noticed my reaction, she kept speaking, "I told him that the plan was for you to make both of us the happiest in the world. I reassured to him that he had never met anyone Carter or I have gone on dates with because he is the most important person in our world and that at no point would him or his dad ever be replaced in my life. I told him that he would get to meet you this weekend and that we were going to go bowling with all of us, Carter included, on Saturday night. Bowling is one of his favorite things to do."

"He seemed okay though?"

"I mean, I told him that he's allowed to be nervous or confused or have a lot of questions, and that all three of us can answer any questions he might have. But that I wanted him to be honest with me or his Dad about how he was feeling."

"That's good."

"And when I tucked him in tonight he told me had a very important question. So I held his hand and looked at him super closely and he said, 'Does she like racecars? She has to like racecars.'"

"Oh no, do I need to study up?"

"Potentially... but that indicated to me that he doesn't get it, you know? He definitely thinks that you're showing up to be his friend."

"Then we start there, Alison. I've been reading a bunch of articles..."

She grumbled, "Why am I unsurprised?"

"I'm nothing if not prepared. The medical professionals and therapists who know way more about this than I ever could say that blending a family can easily take 7 years."

"Seven?"

I nodded, pulling my laptop near me to read the notes I wrote earlier that night, "They also don't recommend sleep overs too soon. They say that we should be dating at least six months before introducing any children, others say 10 dates, but then – "

"Emily?" she asked, gently, "I know that you feel like you need to be prepared for your own sanity, but I can't hear about everything we might be doing wrong."

"I understand that; I just want to be informed."

"Sure, we could wait for 6 months. Or gauge over and over again to see if the temperature is just right. Or pre-plan for so long to make sure that everything is ideal, but there is nothing ideal about this. We're inevitably changing his life, and we can take small steps to help with that. But he's never going to be ready for this. Carter and I have an incredibly healthy relationship now, and we have to rip the band-aid off sometime. He's going to have a great support system, so we need to go for it. Just answer me this?"

Her change in tone caused me to look up from my article, "What is it?"

"You do realize that once you meet him that he's changing your life?"

"I do, Ali."

"And you realize that you have to be 100% certain that you're in this for the long haul? That you can see a future with me? That this is serious?"

"I'm 100% certain."

"And you realize that if you break my heart, you inevitably are breaking his heart, too?"

I hadn't realized that, and I knew she could see it in my face as she asked. There was no way that I could answer that because I had no intention of ever breaking her heart. But then the what if's about the logistics she had been so concerned with started swirling. Because even if we ended things due to the distance being too much or just the balancing act between all the roles we play, I hadn't considered Jacob. Because I didn't foresee an end, I hadn't taken it into account.

"Ali – "

"No, it's okay." She glanced over her shoulder, looking at the clock behind her. "I'm going to let you go, Em. I know there will inevitably be things you haven't thought about. But it's all I can think about, so I need you to know. I need you to be more sure about meeting him than you are about dating me. You are already so important to me, so I don't want you to take this the wrong way. But he's my heart."

"Can I just – "

"I'll talk to you in the morning, okay? I love you."

And before I could reply, she had hung up. It felt like I had stabbed her in the heart, but was I supposed to lie? She wasn't angry, but she was unsure. Hell, I was unsure now. Yeah, I was changing a lot of my life to suit the schedule she already had in place. But she was uprooting her child's life for the inclusion of one person. Alison was taking the stable ground her son was walking on and intentionally diverting it. She was disrupting everything she had built after her divorce... for me.

I lay wide awake piecing together a response. I knew why she interrupted me. I understood why she didn't need me to reply. She needed me to think about my response as long as she had. She didn't need my affirmative answers or my cookie-cutter replies. She needed me to actually consider the fact that I was taking on two people. I was willingly opening myself up to everything that came with that. Whatever words I pulled from the air in that 5-second pause after the question wouldn't suffice. So when I picked up my phone three hours after our phone call to start typing my text, I knew that the words didn't need to be perfect. They needed to be true.

**_It's 1 am, and I can't sleep. So, here comes a stream of consciousness. I don't know a better way to do this because my thoughts are swarming, but you deserve to wake up to something that lets you know that I didn't take any of what you said lightly._ **

**_I think I lied to you tonight unintentionally. Because I am certain that this is serious. That I can see a future with you. That I am in this, with you, for the long haul. But... fuck, this is hard. I don't know that Jacob's going to change my life. I won't know that or understand that until he already has. I realized that my life was going to change, but I was thinking superficially. I was considering the idea of Jacob. The idea that inevitably things will change because he is your son. But I ignored the fact that he is a real person. Not actually, but you know, like when I consider us in the future. I see you. I feel you. I smell you. You're there. But I see a semblance of Jacob. I can't feel him or know him or have him there. Not really..._ **

**_I don't even know if that makes sense. But I'll be honest, I never thought about his heart. I never thought about his feelings. Or the actual sacrifice you're making for your family right now. That I am a giant wrench into the life you have created. That you're putting a lot on the line for me. And I know that my answers tonight were probably concerning. Because they were too perfect and idealistic, and they didn't take into consideration the unpredictability that is a child._ **

**_None of my life is unpredictable right now, Alison. My life is about order and process and structure and correctness. And I won't lie and say that part of me is hesitant to let that go. Because being with you, caring for you, loving you, we are unpredictable. But then I think just about tonight. About the way you danced as if I wasn't there when cleaning off your makeup. About your laugh as you fell against your pillow when I inadvertently told you I love you. About how you look at me. The innocence and purity and hope that I see in your eyes. And I know that in a heartbeat I'd take any and every risk for you._ **

**_So, fuck predictability._ **

**_Because I'd become the most inconsistent and erratic woman in the world if it meant I could see you dance and laugh and look at me like you did tonight for the rest of my life. I'm ready for unpredictable. I'm ready for messy and unsure and unknown. Because I'm ready for you and your life, Alison. Of that I'm certain._ **

**_And if I'm ready for that then there's no doubt in my mind that I know. I want to meet him. I want to know his heart. I want to know him and every piece of him that is inescapably you. And yes, breaking your heart would be breaking his; I get that. But more than that I know that loving you wholeheartedly is loving him wholeheartedly. Making you the happiest woman that I can will make him the happiest too. And I know that my life is only bound to get better with you in it._ **

**_I plan on loving you for a long fucking time. I don't plan on letting you go, babe._ **

**_Thank you for this tonight. It was a needed reality check. I hope you're sleeping better than I will. I'll call you before work. Love you, Ali. And I'm 100% certain of that too._ **

I exhaled pressing the blue arrow sending my message out into her orbit. I now knew that her impending reply would haunt my thoughts for the remainder of the night, so I tried to settle my head the only way I thought I could. I started to pray.

It's something I had picked up over the past week unintentionally. But my life had never been full of more unknowns, and I figured that walking into church on Sunday with a few prayers under my belt may give me some wiggle room when Alison's parents were bound to ask me about my religious beliefs.

"Hey God. I need some relief here. I need to ease my anxiety because I'm not going to have the right things to say and I don't think I even said the right things in that text. It's so hard for me to just let go. To let you or Alison or anyone be in control of any aspect of my life. It feels like reverting for me because I've been so obsessive about things being right the past decade. Because if things are right, if I've ordered my life perfectly, no one can come along and fuck up my plans. Sorry. I'm ready to be all in with Alison. I'm so ready. But part of me worries that even though I've moved on from my last relationship, I'm still trying to make sure this one doesn't blow up in my face. I keep wondering how I can stop myself from looking like an idiot. How I can prevent myself from repeating past mistakes. From being the girl head over heels, walking around with a ring in her pocket for months waiting for the perfect time, only to have her destroy me. I want to be vulnerable and imperfect and unpredictable. But it's hard to let go when all my past experience says to hold on to what I know with all that I have. I need a sign to ease my heartache tonight. I need to stop second guessing what I wrote. I need to stop second guessing completely. I pray for that relief, God. I pray for that sense of peace to – "

My phone buzzed in my hands, causing my body to jolt from my thoughts.

**_Read your message. Please don't reply tonight, but I can tell you're stressed. Sleep soundly; everything is okay. I will call first thing in the morning. Just let it go._ **

I laughed at her reply and looked straight up to the sky, "Got it... Message received."

* * *

The Facetime ring echoed through my head less than five hours later as I rolled over to see Alison's face on my screen. Her face was still puffy from sleep; her eyes half open even though she was the one who had called me. She was wiping the corners of her eyes as I adjusted my position to see her better.

"Morning, Em." She yawned. "How did you sleep?"

I widened my eyes as far as I could, "Can't you tell? Don't I look so well-rested?"

"I didn't sleep well either. I wanted to be able to work everything out last night in person, but until you're living this Em, you're not going to get it. You said it in your text."

I nodded, "I understand why you did what you did last night, babe. But, it kind of brought up a lot of insecurities for me. I felt blindsided and like you had left me to figure out something huge all alone. I needed a sounding board, and it felt like the moment I didn't have the answer you wanted when you wanted it that you ran. I hated that feeling because I'm not here to give you the answer you want to hear. I'll never be that person."

"Okay..." She sat up immediately, her messy bun falling to one side, making me giggle, "We can talk about the insecurities it brought up this weekend for sure because I don't want to bypass that. But I think that should be in person, don't you think?"

I gulped, internally wishing she would forget that I said anything about insecurities altogether, "We can wait on that, sure."

"As soon as I asked that last question, I knew that I was being unfair to you. That's why I let you go. It wasn't my intention to leave you scrambling. I'm not looking for the right answer; I'm looking for the right person."

"Did my answers make you question that?"

"It didn't make me question you, but it did make me question what this weekend will look like. I think you have this picture perfect vision in your head of how this will go, Em. And that's not what my life is. And you being 100% certain that you're in this for the long haul seems unrealistic to me when you don't even know what you're walking into."

"I'm ready and willing to be surprised though. I have no expectations because I've never done this. Will it be hard? Of course. But do I think that the difficulty is worth it? Yeah, I do. I'm being naïve and unrealistic because I have no option but to go into this as positively as possible. Where is _your_ fear in this?"

"Fear?"

"Yeah, sweetheart. I know you want realism, but it seems like you're afraid. Why is me being 100% certain unrealistic to you?"

"Because you have this idea of me from all the times you've seen me before, and I have to be someone different with him..."

"You're afraid that I won't like the side of you that I haven't seen?"

"I guess, or that you'll like me less."

"That's not going to happen."

"How do you know, Emily? How could you possibly know that?"

"I see you light up when you talk about him, Ali. I see the way you take care of him even from afar. Like last Friday at my house when we were talking so much that you missed your call with him and Carter that night. So you woke up at 7 am to call and read him a "wake-up story." I've seen plenty of the woman you think you're hiding from me somehow. It's okay to be scared. You know that, right? I'm scared too."

"Wait. You don't have it all together either?" She snickered into the phone.

"Not in the slightest. We said that we'd be new at th –" But as I spoke, I watched Alison's head turn toward the door.

"Morning, Bug! Did Mommy talking wake you?" She asked as I heard Jacob's voice echoing in the background. "I'm talking to Emily. Do you want to say 'Hi.'?"

And before a response could be made, his shaggy blonde hair invaded the screen, "Emlee? You see she like racecaws?"

"That was actually exactly what your mom called me about this morning! She said you had some important questions for me."

His face covered the screen as Alison muttered to try and adjust the view for them both to be in the picture. But before she could help it, he pulled the phone into his hands, laying down with Alison's head bobbing in the background attempting to be seen. He nodded furiously, "You play racecaws wif me?"

"If your mom joins in, sure. I'd love to play."

He looked up at Alison with his big blue eyes in awe. "Anything else you want to ask, Jake? We have to start getting ready for school in a minute."

"Will you live wif me too?"

I laughed, "No, no. Your mom and I are just starting to date. Your time with your mom is _your_ time. I will come over maybe once a week when you're with her. How does that sound?"

"Good, cause I like when Mommy tucks me in."

"I will always do that, Bug."

"You tuck in Emlee too?"

Alison sighed, "I told you we were still working on it, babe." She spoke into the phone, "Jake, Emily and I like each other. She is a grown up like me and your dad. Just like Uncle Jason, she will play with you and have fun sometimes, but she isn't just coming here to be your friend. She tucks herself into bed."

"I mean, to be honest Alison, you can tuck me into bed anytime you want – " Her glare cut me off as I busted out into silent laughter.

Jacob looked back and forth at the screen and his mom working out his thoughts, "I can share?"

"What are you talking about?" Alison asked, pushing his hair back to kiss his forehead.

"You play me racecaws, and Mommy can tuck you into bed. We share."

I winked her way, "You hear that, Ali? We can share. Jacob, that's very sweet. And I'll play you racecars for sure, but your Mom will tuck you into bed too. How about we share ice cream instead? My treat."

"Okay! Okay! We share ice cream. Not Mommy."

"Well..." Alison groaned again.

"Save it for another day, my love. This is a great little start we have going here." I motioned with my pointer finger back and forth.

"You're right, but we're going to have to get going so that I can get this guy to school on time. Say bye to Emily!"

"Bye, Emlee!"

"Say 'see you Saturday!'"

"See you Sadaday."

"Bye, beautiful. Bye, Jacob. Have a great day for me!"

She blew me a kiss through the screen as Jacob threw the phone on the bed to scramble back toward his room. I could hear her shouting after him as the phone disconnected, knowing that I would give anything in the world to be with her right now. To be by her side chasing Jacob down with just as much fervor. It was going to be okay. It all had to be okay.

* * *

Carter asked for us to meet in a park near Alison's home Saturday morning. Despite seeing each other's face over video once and in photos, he detailed via text a few minutes before I arrived that he would be wearing a blue cap and sitting on a bench. I parked on a side road and began walking toward what actually was more of a recreation center in town than a park by itself. It offered tennis courts, an outdoor pool, batting cages, and other activities I couldn't see from my vantage point as I made my way for the expansive park located on the corner.

As I got within a few feet of his bench, he turn to his right and stood, "Emily?"

I waved politely before pulling him into a hug, "Carter, nice to meet you."

"Same to you. What's it been? Three weeks since I saw you two at the gala together?"

I couldn't tell if it was meant to be a dig or a connection point. But he was smiling and seemed sincere, so I went with the latter. He was handsome. Obviously, not my type, but he had a chiseled face, dark brown hair with bright green eyes, and a smile that made his eyes turn up at the ends. I understood the draw but sat down next to him unsettled at the reality of the entire conversation.

"Yeah." I exhaled, "Three weeks."

"And you're confidently meeting the ex _and_ Jacob all in one day?" He was definitely testing me. Shaking up the waters to see what I was about. I respected it.

I nodded surely, "I am. Would you have waited?"

"I remember falling in love with Alison." He chuckled, lifting his cap to run his fingers through his hair, "I wouldn't have been able to wait even if I wanted to. Her charisma is out of this world. Even now."

"It's been a crazy three weeks for me. It's hard to put it all into words when there have been so many emotional ups and downs. But I wanted to meet you face to face out of respect. I've never done this before. From dating someone who was married previously to finding my place in a family that already has such a solid system."

"I appreciate it, Emily. Honestly, I do. It was hard for me to come here today knowing what it signifies. Not that I believed Alison and I would ever get back together after everything, but it's still hard to see her moving on. But if today is hard for me, I'm can only imagine how difficult it is for you."

He was right. It was insanely difficult to be here right now. Confronting the man that loved Alison months and years longer than I ever had. Knowing that her love for him had to continue into today due to the life they had created together. All I had was three weeks and dozens of conversations with the woman he knew intimately. I had nothing compared to his memories and his love and his understanding. I might as well have been here empty handed, the only mark on my sleeve my love for her. My love for the woman that connected us together.

"I don't know what you expect from this, if you have any expectations at all. But I just wanted to make it clear that it will never be my intention to take your place in Jacob's life."

"That's all I needed you to say, Emily. Past that, just take care of her. I fucked up quite a few times and for as much as she's moved beyond it, our time in that hospital won't ever go away. Be there for my son when he needs you and take care of Alison. Do those two things, and I will support you both every step of the way."

"I can do that..." I looked out at the playground in front of us, "Why are you so cool about this? How does this seem to not affect you? I mean, you're even the one who encouraged her to reach out to me."

"Honestly? Years and years of therapy. And like I told her on the phone, I saw you looking at her as you danced. I have no idea what you said, but she tossed her head back, laughed, and then placed her forehead on your shoulder as you danced in circles. She hadn't laughed like that in years. Jacob's diagnosis and treatment put her in an incredibly dark place that she only really started getting out of about 18 months ago. If within minutes of meeting you can have her laughing like she did five years ago, then you have to be someone special."

"I'm hoping to be." I inhaled, trying to find the appropriate space for my words. "She seems pretty avoidant of the past. When it comes to Jacob, I mean. She's pretty over your divorce from how she discusses it."

"You wish she would talk about it more?"

"My past is a huge part of who I am today, and I know it has to be for her too. But I know she trusts me, she said as much last weekend when we were laying in – "

"You know, Emily. I don't think I'm okay with –"

"Oh no. Oh no! Carter, I – " I immediately began to blush, "No, no. She showed me her C-section scar. So sorry. I would never."

He laughed, "No, it's all good."

"I talk about medical issues super nonchalantly considering what I do. It's a flaw of mine. Oh, God. You had to have thought I was unhinged to discuss something so personal within 15 minutes of meeting."

"Everyone's different, but yeah, that's about right." He resettled on the bench to turn toward me, "So, she trusts you?" He asked, trying to get us back on the original topic.

"Right. She trusts me, but considering I am a doctor, I thought she would be more comfortable discussing Jacob's treatment. You know, like maybe I could give more insight or be able to relate in a way that someone else she was dating wouldn't be able to. But she goes silent and her eyes kind of glaze in a way that I'm not even sure waving in front of her face would snap her out of."

"I knew that face well. She gets lost in thought super easily, especially when it comes to everything she believes we didn't recognize or do correctly with Jake. I can't live in that headspace for my own sanity, but she lives there. You'll piece it together better once you meet her parents, but it's a defense mechanism more than anything. I wasn't there for her like she needed me to be, so she's now incredibly closed off about it."

"Is that was led to your breakdown then?" I glanced at him as I asked, understanding that my question may be pushing the boundary of what he felt comfortable enough answer.

But without missing a beat, he responded, "It was the largest contributing factor. It's like by the time I was ready to discuss it, I had missed the window for her. She was shutting down as I was waking up. And with a sick kid, it's not a good place for a relationship to be in, especially for 2 to 3 years running. Shortly after he was deemed cancer-free, and she wasn't returning to the woman I fell in love with, I had to let her go."

"Ah, so you filed?"

He nodded, wiping his face with his hands, "She didn't even fight me on anything. Looking back, that's the shitty part. Because I hadn't been there to start with, she didn't see a point in hashing anything back up again. I proposed a complete splitting of assets and custody, despite me getting the better end of the deal due to her family's wealth. And she didn't blink an eye. Took only a few months..."

I observed tentatively as Carter looked out into the horizon as the sun started gracing the middle of the sky from behind heavy clouds. He closed his eyes as the breeze hit his face not caring that I was staring at him intently. It was the face of a man deeply hurt and yet simultaneously healed.

"I'm sorry for asking. I didn't mean to open up that wound."

"No, no. It's a good thing. Look, I am honored to have been worthy of her for any length of time. Alison is the best woman I've ever loved. She deserves more than I gave her and if I can somehow help you help her, then maybe it's like I didn't fail in our marriage after all. If our divorce has proved anything to me, it's that we were better off as friends anyways. Jacob is just an added bonus."

"I'm looking forward to seeing you all interact together. From all that I've seen just over the phone, you both are great parents."

"Thanks. He makes it pretty easy. You'll see this afternoon when you meet him. Whether he's conscious of it or not, he lives every day like he's grateful to be here. Like part of him knows it could've been taken all away."

"Children are resilient as hell. The most impressive patients I've ever had, for sure." We sat in silence ruminating over that thought. "So why this park? When I texted this morning about the location, you replied almost immediately."

"I wanted to bring you to some place important to our family as a way to welcome you in. This is the first place Jacob wanted to go when he was given the all-clear. It was one of his favorites before his diagnosis. And I'm sure you know with the radiation, his immune system was pretty shot for a while, so being around all of these kids wasn't an option in the slightest. The moment we could, we came here. This is where our new beginning with our son started. And sure, Alison and I fell apart during that process, but his life started over again on this playground. Your life in some ways is starting over today, too. That day, Ali and I sat on this bench while we watched him play. Just held hands and cried. We promised each other to allow him to live his life just like he was that day. Carefree and just so excited to be here, you know? He sat for 15 minutes right over in that corner playing with the rubber chips, studying them. I remember asking him why he wasn't still playing, and he looked up at us and said, 'They're different from before.' He knew this playground so well that he was reacquainting himself with the mulch. The mulch, Emily. He sees the world as if it's an opportunity. We promised to never take that away from him. Let him be curious and adventurous and willing and capable. So yes, be there for Jacob. Take care of Alison. Make her feel safe and secure and loved. But please don't treat my son as if he's had cancer. When you consider him, consider this." He held out his hands. "I figured it was only right to bring you here too. Make sure you were in the loop."

Carter bumped me with his elbow as I absorbed his words. His thoughtfulness hit me right in the heart. Figuratively extending his hand, Carter was asking for me to join them. Not waiting for me to be ready because my showing up here proved that. If this was going to be anything, I had to join in the experience, in the moments, in the memories. I hadn't been a part of that one, but it was one of the many that made their family who they were today. And knowing that, Carter didn't want me left behind. He wanted us together. Not for my sake, or his sake, or Alison's sake. But for Jacob's.

I was beginning to figure that out. Everything they did, everything they would do, everything we would do. We'd do it for him.

"I appreciate it. Something I've learned over the past week is that I'm not going to have the words right now because I've haven't yet lived the experience of being in your son's life. But I want you know that I feel this. I feel the gravitas of this spot and its meaning for you and Ali. It means a lot, Carter. I appreciate you. For your time. For your advice."

"Definitely. We all have to do our part to make this a smooth transition for Jake. One more thing?" I turned my head to face him, my hands resting on the seat of the bench beside me, "Whenever I meet the woman I want to introduce to Jake, bring her here first. Give her the same spiel."

"And how will I know if she's worth it?"

"I'll let you figure that one out on your own,Emily. But I already have all the faith in the world."

* * *

**A/N: I prefaced this chapter without splitting it in two SO I kind of lied when I said that Jacob would meet Emily. He did (again) over Facetime, but the second half of this chapter is almost entirely Jacob content :)**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive content already posted, and a brand new story being posted this week! Find me over there under this same name!  
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**\- secretpen28**


	9. Dwindling Mercurial High - Part 2

I saw them through the window after stopping for a quick lunch. Jacob stood right at his mother’s elbow as he wrapped his hand around her forearm, his face plastered to her arm. Alison looked down at him frequently to ask him questions which he appeared to reply to giddily. Her hand rested on his back as she rubbed between his shoulder blades.

This was it. My last moments to be able to back out to admit that maybe I wasn’t as ready or as prepared as I had been so sure about just hours before. Jacob was an actual child. My presence would affect him. I would have a direct impact on his future. I took a deep breath as I opened the door to the old school ice cream shop Alison selected ready for whatever reaction waited for me.

“Have you two found anything that looks good?” I asked behind them to break the ice.

Alison turned around gleefully, her smile radiating as Jacob quickly held onto his mother’s hand at the surprise of my voice.

“Hey, Em.” She whispered, holding onto my elbow with her other hand as she knelt to Jacob’s level to keep speaking, “Oh, now you’re going to get shy? When just minutes ago you were asking when Emily would be here? Say hi, sweetheart.”

He waved politely as I tried to follow his lead, waving in return, “Jacob, it really is so nice to meet you. I felt so badly about not being there last weekend when you filled up you sticker book. I hope today makes up for it. Did you earn any new stickers this week?”

He nodded, holding out three fingers, “I got free.”

I looked toward Alison for any indication if that was a good number or potentially not enough. She was of no use though as she looked like a deer in headlights at Jacob and I interacting altogether. “Woah. That’s awesome! Do you know what ice cream you want yet?”

He turned back around to face the counter, standing on his tip toes to see into the large vats. As he stared into each one to find his perfect flavor, I laced my hand in Alison’s trying to get her attention, “You alright there, beautiful?” I gave her a brief kiss on the cheek before letting our hands go, not wanting to inflict too much PDA on Jacob before he was used to the idea.

“I’m short circuiting.” She shook out her head, glancing at each of us back and forth.

“The three of us are here together, yes. We’ve had this planned for a week.”

She laughed against my shoulder, “I was so nervous about the organization of it all that I never let my brain figure out what it would actually be like.”

“Well, this is it.” I shrugged, wanting so badly for today to work out.

“Oh my God! I forgot about your day! How was Carter?” She connected our hands back together as she looked up at me for any details I was willing to share.

“Good.” I wasn’t sure how much to give away about our conversation. How much I should reveal about everything he made known, “Really good. We met at a park.”

Jacob’s voice broke into our conversation, “Mommy! Mommy! Hep me see!”

“One second, Bug.” She replied, passing off her purse to me without question as she turned around to pick Jacob up on her hip. “A park? Why a park, Em?” Noticing that Jacob was preoccupied with looking down at the ice cream, she reached over to hold my hand.

“It was sweet, actually. It’s the park you both took Jacob too after getting his all-clear. It was like my initiation.”

Alison rolled her eyes while still smiling, kissing the back of Jacob’s head, “He’s such a sap. Surprised he didn’t take you to Jake’s delivery room if he really wanted to get you initiated.”

“I think we put that on the calendar for next weekend.” I smirked, bring her hand up to my lips to delicately kiss her knuckles. “Jacob, remember I said that this trip was my treat, so look carefully to figure out what you want.”

“Do you want your usual orange sherbet, Bug? Or does chocolate with some toppings sound better today?”

“Owange.” He said before Alison whispered in his ear, “Thank you, Emlee!”

“What great manners! You’re welcome.” I walked closer up the line where we ordered before turning back to face them, “Babe, how about two go pick out our seat, and I’ll order for us?”

“What are you getting?” she groaned while setting Jacob down who ran off toward the silverware and napkin station without a second thought.

“A Neapolitan banana split. Can I interest you in going halfsies?”

“Only if you get extra cherries.” She placed one hand against my stomach as she leaned in for a kiss. It lasted seconds before she was talking to Jacob again, “Not so many napkins, Jake! There’s only three of us.” Our lips connected briefly once more, “So sorry, Em.”

And with that she was off picking out a table near the children’s play area so that Jacob could be entertained outside of our conversation. Her smile was different around him. Not that it wasn’t genuine with me, but around Jacob, her smile felt… easier. As if it were her natural state around him. Not a smile she was learning to love like with me.

My thumb grazed my bottom lip as I was relieved that she was willing to hold my hand and kiss me in front of him. It had been a worry of mine, but either she didn’t notice it was occurring or trusted her son enough to speak to her. Whichever it was, I was pleased to not have to walk around on eggshells when all I wanted to keep her in my arms.

I waited for Jacob’s single scoop and our banana split to be ready before walking for the table. Alison’s eyes pulled up from her phone the second she saw me headed her way and stood to greet me as if we hadn’t ten minutes earlier. Her hands were extended out in front of her as I was still feet away to grab ahold of our ice cream and set it on the table. It was a secondary yet important task in order to fulfill her primary objective.

“Come here.” She mumbled, wrapping her hands around my waist. Looking quickly to her left to check that Jacob was still occupied, she turned back to me, “I missed the fuck out of you. Sorry for being so nervous today. It kind of took me by surprise.”

“I missed you too, Ali.” I kissed her forehead as she looked back to the playground, “You know, our brain actually can’t differentiate between nervousness and excitement. Both release cortisol which is a sugar linked to dopamine production. The way our body knows how to react is based purely on what we tell it. So, next time you’re nervous, Ali, tell yourself you’re just excited instead.”

She exhaled, closing her eyes to soak in my words, “I’m excited.”

“You are excited. Just think… we get to spend the next four full days together.”

“Oh, I am more than excited for that. I can’t wait, Em.” She knocked on the glass next to our table to call Jacob out of the play area. “Thank you; your uncanny ability to keep me calm doesn’t go unnoticed.”

“Of course.” I let go of her waist to go to the opposite side of the table from Alison so that she could be next to Jacob instead of him being alone on one side. He slid in next to his mother and held out his hands for hand sanitizer without asking. It was fascinating to watch them side by side as their mannerisms resembled each other but in the smallest of ways.

From how he brushed his hair from his eyes when she called his name just as she did when shy. To the way when he found something funny, he gently laid his head against her shoulder like she had so many times before with me. To way he looked at me. Wide eyed and unsure. The same way she saw me three weeks ago. It made me feel like I understood him more than I actually did. It gave me comfort.

As I soon realized, when eating ice cream, the conversation frequently came back to Jacob collecting stickers. From the sound of it, ice cream was the reward he picked every time he collected 10.

“Do you think you could get more next week?” Alison nudged. “This week you got three.”

“Dere’s one for ery day of da week at school.”

I had made note of Jacob’s delayed speech patterns over Facetime, but they were even more pronounced in person. His speech more closely resembled a late four to early 5 year old, a common after effect of childhood cancer due to the impact of radiation on brain development. But based on how he spoke to Alison, I could tell that they were encouraging him on a daily basis to speak regardless of how the words came out. The fact that neither Alison or Carter even mentioned his speech prior to me meeting him reiterated their encouragement. It meant that no matter how badly I might have wanted to correct him that they were choosing not to. It wouldn’t be my place to do any different.

“You’re right, Bug. You could be getting five.”

“Help me out then.” I interrupted, taking a bite of our banana split between sentences, “If you got three this week, but you could get five, how many more do you need to get to earn all five stickers in a week?” He looked up at Alison lightly confused, but she stared right back at him waiting for an answer. “You want some help?”

He nodded as I extended out my hand. “Count to five on my hand for me, one finger at a time.”

Reaching with his sherbet-filled spoon and sticky hand, he began pointing at each finger and counting. I can only assume my face showed blatant horror at the dripping mess already starting to cover my hand because Alison began laughing into her shoulder without pause, “One. Two. Free. Fow. Fye.”

“Perfect.” I kept my hand underneath his, embracing the drips from his spoon beginning to cover the top of my hand, “So these are all the stickers you can get in a week. How many did you get this week again?”

“Free.” It was the first time I had his complete attention. I soaked up his eye contact for all it was worth. It was our first moment of connection, and I needed it to count.

“Okay, so if we wanted to see how many stickers you were missing from the week, do we need to add three to my hand or take away three?”

He brought his hand back up to his face, hitting the side of his mouth with sherbet before responding. Calling him messy would be a gross understatement to reality lying in front of me. “Take away?”

“That’s right, Jake.” Alison leaned over to kiss his forehead before looking back at me and urging me ahead with her eyes.

“I want you to tap my finger again, but this time, I’m going to take away a finger, okay? I want you to take away three for me.”

“One. Two. Free.”

“Yep. Now, maybe you can solve it. How many more stickers do you need to get to earn all five stickers in one week?” I asked, wiggling my thumb and pointer finger which still remained up.

“Two?” he asked Alison directly as she broke into a smile and wrapped him in a side hug.

“Look at that, Jacob! You did it!” I lifted my palm for him to high five, no longer carrying about the splatter from his spoon that ricocheted onto my hand and arm.

I understood it now. It was connection. It was seeing the light behind his eyes and knowing you made a difference, even if it was just a basic math problem. His heart mattered because it was still innocent and pure and feeble. He trusted and opened his heart to everyone he met and who was I to ruin that? Who would I be to be the first person to break that trust and that innocence? I never wanted to be that. Not for him and certainly not for his mother.

“Emlee hep wif maf at home.” Jacob asserted to Alison as he took another bite.

“Definitely, I’d love to help you with your math assignments. How about anytime you have a question about your math homework, you ask your mom to call me?” I picked up a napkin from the table to start wiping off my hand.

He kept his eyes on Alison as if asking for permission, “Yeah, baby. Of course, you can call Em for help. She’s probably the smartest person I know. You’re lucky that you get to have her on your side.”

“Alison, could I use some of your hand sanitizer?”

“Sure, sweetheart. One second.” She started digging through her purse as Jacob looked up at me.

“Mommy loves you too?” He asked as if the simplest question in the world.

We hadn’t said it in person. I knew she was hesitant in front of Jacob, but I could only assume he sensed it between her words. And as her face moved back to the table to pass me the small sanitizer bottle, I watched her visibly gulp, “You’ll have to ask her that, Jacob. As for me though, I love your Mommy very much.”

Jacob nodded as he stared up at his mom, “Yeah, Bug. I love her too.” As she placed the bottle in the hand, she linked one of her fingers around mine reiterating her point, “I love her a lot.”

“Okay.” Jacob shrugged, “She is nice.” He replied in approval.

And as Alison’s smiling eyes met mine, I knew that ‘nice’ was more than enough.

* * *

Alison and I walked into the bowling alley hand in hand as Jacob ran ahead of us toward his father. I was appreciative of the darkness the environment provided as it was “Black Out” night. Glow in the dark lights were scattered throughout the establishment, causing the laces on my shoelaces to light up under the glow. I squeezed Alison’s hand as we made eye contact across the way with Carter. Jacob was just reaching him and you could hear his squeal as he yelled ‘Daddy’ jumping into his arms.

“How has your day been?” Alison asked, tracing her thumb on the inside of my palm as we walked.

“To be honest, I’m exhausted. This shit is stressful.”

She placed her left hand on my upper arm as she pulled herself into my side, laughing, “Well, you’re doing a great job. You have every right to feel exhausted.”

“Like, I’m already ready for bed exhausted.”

“Looks like you’re nearly a parent after all… Give it two hours, babe. Then, we’ll be on our way home. Sound good?” She kissed my cheek as we entered our bowling lane, her letting go of my arm to hug Carter. “Hey Car. Good to see you.”

“You too, Ali. I ordered us some waters and pizza to start. Is that cool?” He wrapped her in a hug, kissing her cheek as they pulled away. “Emily!” he announced, letting go to pull me in for a hug as well, before whispering in my ear, “Too much?”

I laughed loudly into his shoulder, “Probably, but way to sell it for him.”

Jacob pulled on Carter’s shirt wildly, “Daddy, you know Emlee?”

“For sure, Bug.” He assured, scooping him back up into his arms, “Emily and I are friends.”

“You love Emlee like Mommy does?”

From behind our conversation, we heard Alison choke on her water as she glanced toward the three of us, her eyes going wide.

“He, uh, he asked us at ice cream this afternoon…” I whispered, trying to potentially diffuse the situation.

Carter nodded, his eyes lingering over at Alison a half second too long before looking back at Jacob, “No, Jake. Emily and I are friends like you are friends with Eli and Parker at school.” He cleared his throat, spinning around to face the lanes, “I got you your favorite Dinosaur bowling ball roller. Want to go check it out before we put our names in?”

“Yikes.” I turned with a grimace across my face. “Excited about _that_ strong opening?”

Alison sighed, “Not at all. I knew Carter and I should’ve talked before today. The last thing I want to do is blindside him with all of this. You didn’t talk to him about the l-word at all this morning?”

“The l-word? Since when have you reverted back to middle school?” She blushed as I continued, “And no, the l-word did not come up this morning, at least on my side. He did discuss remembering what it was like to fall in love with you as if he was acknowledging that I was probably falling in love with you too. But I didn’t confirm that at all…”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to him.” She brushed hair from my face reconnecting our eyes, “I think I’m exhausted now too.”

I placed my forehead against hers, “Two hours, remember?” I kissed her nose while pulling away to start inputting names into the computer.

After intentionally choosing our order so that Jacob and I could interact more, our game started. I quickly realized that children need a ton of assistance that they don’t even know they need. This was made apparent nearly halfway through our time as the three of us were speaking between turns and Jacob attempted to lift his bowling ball alone only to have it crash to the floor below him.

Despite being startled, Alison hopped up calmly, “You okay? Remember that you need one of us to help hold the ball too. You’re still growing all those important muscles.” She reassured, squeezing his upper arm and tickling his side to get a smile out of him again. “You want me to help you bowl this round?” He shook his head and pointed toward me, still nervous from the ball dropping moments before. “Hey, Em?” Alison called over her shoulder.

“What is it?” I asked, placing my hand against her back as I stood next to her.

“Jake is asking for you to help him.” She smiled at me before whispering, “It would also give me a chance to talk to Carter. Do you mind?”

“Not at all.” I trailed my nails down her back as she turned back to our table, “You ready? Let me pick up the ball for you here.”

Walking toward the lane with the ball at Jacob’s chest height was pretty awkward considering that my hand needed to stay underneath it. But Jacob didn’t realize the difficulty I was having as his tongue barely stuck out of his mouth concentrating on the task ahead.

“I’m going to grab your dinosaur, okay?”

“I want to do wifout.” He looked up at me with eyes that I quickly grasped would forever be difficult to say no to.

“Okay, we can try. Do you mind if I help you?” He shook his head as I sat on the ground near the lane. “So right now, your fingers are a little too small to bowl like your parents or me, so what’s important is how you hold the ball on either side. I’ll have to stand behind you, but we’re going to do a big swing with your arms as you drop the ball so that we can get enough momentum.” As I looked back up to meet his eyes, I noted his confusion, “Oh, sorry. Momentum is how fast something moves. So the better our big swing, the better your ball will go all the way to the end of the lane. There’s a chance that the ball won’t make it that far on our first try. Is that cool?”

“Mommy say to do my best.” He leaned down reaching for the ball I was holding between my hands which prompted me to start standing to get behind him.

“You’re right. And our best right now depends on our big swing, okay? Let’s practice without the ball first. Imagine you’re holding it right now.” I paused, waiting for him to hold his hands out in front of him after placing the ball between my feet. “Perfect. Now, my hand will be underneath the ball like this, but you want to bring your hands back to your side until you feel my right hand hit your elbow. Then, we can both take a step forward and roll the ball. We get two tries. Think we can get it?”

He jumped repeatedly in excitement, waiting for me to get the ball up to his hands. “Mommy! Daddy! Look!”

Alison and Carter both gave us a thumbs up as we made our first attempt. Jacob followed instruction incredibly well and even looked back at me as my hand hit his elbow to make sure he was doing everything correctly, “You’re doing great. Just step forward with me and – “

But before we could get close enough to the lane, his little hands let go forcing the full weight of the ball onto my left hand, causing it to drop with a thud onto the lane before quickly rolling to the gutter.

“It dint wook!” he grumbled before running back to the ball return to retrieve his ball.

“We’ll start closer to the lane this next time. How does that sound? I think we can get it.” Carter and Alison were still in deep conversation as I approached Jacob, his face dangerously close to the opening of the ball return. “Hey, Jacob? Step back for me there, bud. I don’t want you to get hurt at all.” And despite listening to instructions moments before, he looked up at me and shrugged.

My mind started spinning. I had just met him. Could I grab ahold of his shoulders to readjust him? Was that too far? Could I raise my voice to show my worry? Should I interrupt Alison and Carter so they could intervene? Did I just let him get wacked in the face to teach him a lesson? I decided to take the least invasive approach and crouched on my knees in front of him before speaking again.

“Step back one step. We don’t want your face to get hit with the ball before we can get you a strike.”

But he stood there as I could hear the mechanism of the machine cranking the ball up the ramp, so I did the only thing I could process at the time and stuck my hand between the machine and his face so that the ball hit my hand instead. The safest option for him had to be the right choice. Right?

He whined as my hand took the brunt of the impact before letting it roll out onto the holder, yanking my hand down as soon as he realized what I had done. “Not fair!” Jacob rushed toward Alison, pushing past her conversing hands and into her chest.

She wrapped her hands around him as she looked up at me, “What happened, Bug?” She reassured him while mouthing ‘Are you okay?’.

“Emlee took my ball!” He muttered, pulling away from her chest.

“Okay…” It was clear that she had no idea how to proceed and was unfairly caught between the two of us. “Want Daddy to help this time?”

“Yeah, Jake! Let’s go. You can show me what you and Emily were working on.” He patted my shoulder as he walked past, “Don’t worry; it happens.”

Alison stood, placing her hands on my upper chest, “You alright?” I felt breath leaving my chest as if I had done something wrong. She sensed my panic. “I’m sure you did the right thing, babe. No one’s upset at you.”

“He’s upset at me… It’s just been a long day.” I exhaled, feeling tears starting to come to my eyes with no real reason behind them.

“You’re right. You’re right. It has been, but it’s okay. Do you want to go take a breather?” She didn’t wait for my reply, “Hey, Carter? Em and I are going to go get a new pitcher of water for the table. Feel free to bowl for us!” He waved as we started walking away. Alison quickly putting her hand in mine as we made our way to the bench outside of the restrooms. “What happened?”

“He had his face right in front of the thing! The – the – the ball return! And I asked for him to step back, but he didn’t care, and I didn’t want to touch him without him knowing me or anything.” She listened to me intently, “So, I asked again but could hear the ball coming, so I just put my hand between his face and the ball so he wouldn’t get hurt.”

Her hands made their way to the sides of my face as she brought me in for a short kiss, “You did the right thing, babe. You’re okay. He just doesn’t get it. You know that?”

“Yeah, I do. This is so dumb.” I pulled away, wiping tears from the corners of my eye, “Things were just going so well, and I don’t want – “

“Emily, you’re going to remember this a lot longer than he will. He’s going to be fine. Thank you for protecting him, even if he doesn’t see it that way. Take a step back for the rest of the night; we’re almost done.” I nodded, still trying to collect myself, “You ready?” She grabbed my hands, kissing them to bring a smile to my face.

“I’m ready. Thanks.”

She picked up a filled pitcher of water from the concession stand as we walked back to the table and immediately went back into mom-mode, “How’d you and Daddy do, Bug?”

The tightrope I knew Alison walked was even more impressive now. In a matter of minutes, she was expected to be a mother, a cooperative ex, and a partner to me. And she rotated between the three effortlessly. She approached each with patience and understanding. It was remarkable to me and despite being incredibly overwhelmed and out of my element, I knew that the least I could do was put on a smile to support her through the balancing act.

After about thirty more minutes, our two hours timed out, causing us all to scarf down the rest of our pizza before starting to take off our shoes and gather our things.

“Hey, Al?” Carter asked, reaching for her elbow as Alison collected her purse. “How about I take Jake tonight? He’s just going to fall asleep anyways, and you deserve a night.” He made knowing eye contact with me, innately understanding that I needed a break after my big day.

“Yeah, okay.” She smiled, running her hands through Jacob’s hair as he leaned against his dad’s shoulder wrapped in his arms, “I’ll see you at church tomorrow, Bug. Thank you, Carter. Love you both.”

Carter leaned forward, pressing a small kiss against Alison’s forehead, “We love you too. Good to see you again, Emily. You’re making your debut at church tomorrow, right?” He raised his right hand to indicate excitement and sending Alison and I into a laugh.

“Yes, sir. Wouldn’t miss it for the world. You think Jessica and Ken are ready for me?”

He shook his head, “Seems incredibly doubtful, Em. I’ll save you a spot next to me though. United front. Good night, you two.”

Alison and I stayed behind briefly as Carter left. The moment they were out of sight, she swept me up into her arms, “I love you. I love you. I love you.” She kissed each cheek and my nose as I shrugged away from her, “You did it. First day? Done! How do you feel, Dr. Fields?”

I licked my lips as I pulled her into a kiss more passionate than any we’d been able to sneak throughout the day, “You’re a mess.” I replied, wiping the sides of her mouth to remove the lipstick I had barely smeared. “It was okay. Just happy I made it through. I love you, too.”

“Let’s get you home. I can see the exhaustion all over your face.”

* * *

I followed Alison home and parked next to her in the garage as she let us both in. Her home induced immediate calm as I reacquainted myself with it before making my way to the second floor.

“You need water or anything before bed, Em?”

Already half way up the stairs, I looked over my shoulder, “I’ll take some water. Thank you, babe.” I sighed, feeling the exhaustion of the day taking over my body.

Wishing to be in more comfortable clothes, I quickly discarded my shoes and jeans, opting instead for some boy shorts paired with an oversized tee for bed. As I pulled my dress shirt over my head though, leaving me in my bra, I felt a sly pair of arms wrap around my waist. Her fingers flexing over the small divots in my abs. Her lips outlining the curve of my shoulder blade.

“Alison – “

“Shh… I’m just making sure you’re relaxed for the conversation we need to have.”

“Conversation?”

“I think you forget that I’m a mother. We talked about discussing the insecurities that Thursday brought up for you. I promised you we’d talk in person?”

I grimaced, obviously unenthused, “Oh, right.”

“Which brings me back to relaxation. Your ass looks amazing in these boy shorts.” She led with a small bite against my left shoulder as she cupped one cheek in the palm of her hand. Her other hand running through my hair as she turned me around to face her before resting both of her palms on my stomach. “Finish getting changed, okay? I’ll be right back.” She kissed me gently before letting me go.

My eyes followed her into the master bathroom. I knew exactly what Carter meant earlier in the day. She held herself with a charisma that was nearly impossible to ascertain. Alison had a way of keeping everything around her… calm. As if sensing and adjusting her manner of delivery based on the emotions of those around her. She provided me a sense of comfort that I had only previously felt with my parents and closest friends. I was astounded to have found the same quality so quickly in Alison, as well. She astounded me.

Slipping my night shirt over my head and taking off my bra beneath my shirt, I sidled into bed waiting for her to return. A few moments later, she walked out in shorts and shirt before slinking in next to me.

“Hi…” she whispered, tucking a strand of my hair behind my right ear as we both turned onto our sides. “… Come here.” And without speaking, she reached underneath the covers to gently grab behind my right knee to wrap it over her own legs and pull me closer into her. “So, if I remember correctly, you mentioned that me hanging up abruptly made you think that I was running from you. Why is that?”

I exhaled, bringing my hands up underneath my chin to cover myself as much as possible. “It’s because of my last relationship. When I said that I was months away from proposing, that wasn’t entirely true. I wanted to be engaged to her by the time I graduated from medical school, so I bought the ring that fall. And – “ I closed my eyes, remembering the harshness of it all. The number of months I was out of the loop in my own relationship.

“I’m right here. I’m not running, Em.” She kissed my forehead, reaching to put down my hands which were still tightly pulled against my chest.

“And I waited. You know, she was my first like full-blown real love, and I wanted everything to be perfect. But I wanted it to feel spontaneous. So, I waited and waited just trying to find the perfect time to get down on one knee. I was so ready, and I didn’t want to miss the window if it presented itself. So, I brought the ring with us everywhere. Just in case. For months, I was ready for the moment she made me feel so sure of us that my anxiety and turmoil melted away so that she could be mine. And, it never came. In 5 months, there wasn’t one moment that felt perfect. Not one. I found out that February that she had been seeing someone since the fall. I never felt sure of us because for most of the time I had the ring in my pocket, there wasn’t an us. There wasn’t an us at all, you know?”

“That sounds hard. You felt betrayed, I’m sure.”

“After being together since like three months into undergrad? Definitely. And she never really gave me closure, just kind of fessed up to it and then refused to answer my calls. So, I was left alone to work through it. She had no idea I had even purchased a ring, nonetheless walked around like a fool for months with it in my pocket.”

“You don’t sound like a fool, babe. So, me hanging up earlier this week without much of an explanation?”

“I thought it was me. Like I had missed something that was blatantly obvious or something while we were talking. And you were hanging up so that I could figure it out alone.”

She scooted into me, draping her arm over my waist as I tucked my leg further behind hers, “After we talked on Friday though, did that help?” I could feel the desire for me to say yes behind the press of her lips against my forehead. She wanted to not feel more at fault. She didn’t want to have inadvertently hurt me more.

“It helped some. I could see what you meant by realizing you had asked me an unfair question, but I was still afraid that you’d hold it against me somehow.” I paused as she searched my eyes, “Today helped more. You’re amazing mom. Do you know that?” She bit her lip instead of replying, “And whoever made you think that I somehow wouldn’t love that side of you all the same as I love the woman lying in front of me right now is crazy.”

“It’s me.” She smirked, “I’m the crazy one.”

“Then, you need to stop Ali. We’re figuring this out like we said we would.”

“Together.” She placed one hand on the side of my face as she leaned in to kiss me. It was delicate as she found my bottom lip, holding it between her own to barely nibble against it. Smiling as she let go, she let our next kiss linger as she continued speaking, “Thank you for talking to me, Emily. I know it’s hard to open up, and I don’t always make it easy because I’ve closed myself off so much. But, I’m getting there.”

“You’re working on it?” I couldn’t help but admire her forwardness.

“Yeah. I’m working on it.”

She smiled as I pulled her even closer to me, our bodies now pressed directly against one another, “You know, Carter said that you would make a lot more sense to me when I met your parents.”

“Ah, so by tomorrow you’ll have me all figured out?”

“That’s what he says.” I kissed her forehead, “How about I keep you posted? I’m a little nervous about it.”

“You made it through today, so you’ll be fine with my parents… Also, one thing.” She placed her finger between us as if to indicate pause.

“What’s that?”

“The smartest person I know told me today that the next time I was nervous, I needed to convince myself otherwise.”

“She sounds ridiculous.” I laughed, rolling my eyes as Alison rolled her hips to straddle me. Looking up at her, I saw the glint in her eye, “Alison? What’s that look?”

She smiled, holding up her hands, “What look? Come on, admit it. You’re excited.”

“No!” I squealed as she started tickling my sides, placing small kisses over my arms and face, “Ali, no!”

“Admit it, sweetheart. You’re excited not nervous.”

“I’m excited! I’m excited!” I announced as I aimlessly reached with my eyes closed to hold down her hands.

“Swear?”

“I swear! I’m excited!” I affirmed, finally pinning her arms to her sides. “Babe, I’m excited.”

“Good.” She grinned, leaning down to pull me into her sweetly, “I’m excited, too.”

* * *

**A/N: I hope you all are enjoying this story so far! I love seeing the relationships in this story grow, but there is drama coming. Don't worry! :) See you all Sunday!  
**

**PATREON SHOUTOUT: To my top tier supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8! There are multiple tiers available with exclusive content already posted, and a brand new story being posted this week! Find me over there under this same name! **

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**\- secretpen28**


	10. Go With Grace - Part 1

There was a peace I felt by her side even in my sleep that transcended into my dreams. I floated through the night, protected by just the feeling of her arms around me. She subconsciously drew swirls into my upper arm as she faded in and out of sleep curled into my back. Her simple exhales into my neck and the way she continuously pulled me closer into her as the night progressed gave me comfort I hadn’t found in years. My peaceful slumber was only interrupted by the feel of Alison pulling away the next morning.

“Hey, don’t get up.” She reassured behind me as she felt me starting to move, “I’m going to make us breakfast. Stay in bed.”

I groaned, rolling onto my back, “No, stay here.” My hand reached for the now empty place next to me as I kept my eyes closed, pouting toward the ceiling.

Alison crawled back over to my side as my body jostled adjusting to her weight being back on the bed. “You’re so cute, but I want to do something nice for you after yesterday. I know it was stressful, so let me appreciate you.” She kissed the corner of my mouth as the shadow behind my eyes let me know that her face remained directly above mine.

“Could I at least come help then?” I started opening my eyes to smile up at her.

She brushed my face lovingly in reply, “Em, just go back to sleep. It’s not even seven.”

“I won’t be able to sleep if you leave. Can’t we just eat cereal walking out the door?”

“We could, but I could also take care of you a little bit today.”

The feeling of her lips lingering up and down my jawline definitely made me think she had a secondary idea of what taking care of me could look like. I wouldn’t have fought against that idea in the slightest, but I also knew that my desire to cuddle into her for all the minutes I could muster would never actually disappear. If Alison making me breakfast would make her happy, then there’s nothing more that I wanted to start my day.

“Mm, okay. I’ll try to sleep without you.” I rolled over. But after a few seconds of not feeling the bed move, I looked behind me, “Ali, go ahead. I get to spend all week with you.”

“Sorry, it’s been years for me, but this… feels like a test? I can go?”

I laughed, opening my eyes toward the wall, “I wouldn’t tell you to ‘go ahead’ if I meant the opposite.”

“You wouldn’t?”

I rolled back over, “Babe, come here…” Alison fell into my open arms as she nuzzled into my chest, humming in delight as I wrapped her up, “I love you. I love that you want to do something for me, and I’m more than appreciative. I just wanted more time with you like this… but I’m getting that time right now. So really, go ahead.” I smirked, kissing the top of her head while keeping my arms squeezed around her.

She began moving her shoulders back and forth to wriggle from my grasp as I kept covering her face with kiss after kiss the more she moved. After protesting, she finally groaned against me, “If you’re going to force a cuddling sesh, at least loosen your grip so I can rotate to see your gorgeous face.” Alison turned in my arms quickly as I reluctantly started letting go, “There you are.”

Her left hand rested against my face as she leaned in for a kiss. I loved when she barely pouted as we kissed, allowing me to gently suck on her bottom lip as we pulled away. It made her smile every time, and I wondered if she knew what she was doing just as much as I did. I opened my eyes as her fingers left my face to find her already staring lovingly back at me. The blue of her eyes instantly made my heart stop. I never understood the phrase “getting lost in someone’s eyes” until I came face to face with Alison. It wasn’t that I lost my way but instead that I lost all train of thought. It was that seeing her eyes was seeing everything and nothing simultaneously because nothing else mattered.

“You are so beautiful.” She whispered into my unwavering stare.

“Took the words right out of my mouth.” I kissed her forehead, grinning facetiously as I pulled back, “I really thought you were going to wake up this morning and cook us breakfast or something…” I jokingly rolled my eyes as she started pushing against my chest, trying to get away again.

“Such a jerk.” She laughed as I finally let her go before making her way for the edge of the bed. “Stay here though, please. I might get nervous with you staring at me while I cook.”

“Okay, sweetheart; I’ll stay up here. Should I get dressed for church?”

“Ooh…” she looked over her shoulder as I propped myself up on my elbow, “Why did I love hearing you say ‘church’ so much?”

“Church.” I repeated, letting it linger over my lips again.

“Nope. Nope.” She shook out her body before walking out the door without looking back, “I’m not doing this. I blame your blatant attractiveness, Emily Fields.” Her voice echoed as she started down the stairs, “And church isn’t until 10, so it’s your call!”

I immediately sighed being faced with an empty spot next to me. Slowly crawling over to Alison’s side of the bed, I pulled the covers around my body as I sunk into her pillow. Inhaling the comforting hint of vanilla that radiated from the lingering perfume she placed on her neck at the start of every day. Forming a sort of cocoon around myself and Alison’s pillow underneath me, I closed my eyes in my attempt to replicate being next to her. I was unsure if this was a genius move on my part or just a desperate one, but before I knew it, I could feel myself falling back asleep. It was nowhere near as comforting as actually being by her side but knowing she was just downstairs helped as well.

“Sweetheart?” Her whisper in front of me was the first sound I heard over the course of that next hour. One finger traced across my forehead to push my hair from my eyes as they fluttered open. Alison was crouched in front of me, long blonde hair thrown over her shoulder, “Breakfast is ready downstairs, love. I almost yelled up here, but I hadn’t heard any movement from you. So, I’m happy I decided to come up instead. Are you happy that I forced you to sleep in?” I replied with a sleepy nod before yawning, “Take your time, Em. What do you want to drink? Milk? Coffee? Mimosa?” My eyes popped open at her last suggestion, starting to sit up without wavering. She extended her arm as if waiting for me to grab ahold of her hand, “Ah, I thought alcohol might get you out of bed.”

“It’s like you know my every weakness…” I grumbled, lacing our fingers together with my eyes still half closed as she led us toward the stairs.

“Makes it pretty easy when your biggest weakness is me.” She giggled at her joke causing me to open my eyes and chase her down the rest of the staircase.

She ran to the kitchen, turning around once she hit the island. Her back was against the cold marble; her hands palm first on the surface next to her waist, “Who told you that?” I teased rounding the corner and walking toward her. I duplicated her moves, standing directly in front of her before placing my hands on top of hers. I smiled into her neck leaving a singular kiss near her collarbone, “Is it that obvious?”

Our fingers intertwined with the palm of my hand on the top of hers as she arched herself into me, “Fuck Emily…” she whispered, motivated by the breath on her neck alone.

The longer I had spent with her, the more I yearned to hear my full name on her lips. As sweet and endearing ‘Em’ was, there was a passion behind the use of ‘Emily’ that my nickname couldn’t entice alone. She used it to solidify a point or get my attention or in this case, completely turn me on. Both of us still in shorts conveniently allowed our legs to graze in this dance. My lips hovering above her neck as she whispered against my ear. Neither moving forward and yet neither wanting to step away.

“I don’t want the breakfast you cooked for us to get cold, Alison.” I released her hands as I started moving my head up to face hers.

“Whenever _this_ happens, I’m not going to be able to hold on for long. I hope you know that.” She rested her forehead against mine, a light blush reaching her cheeks.

“That just means I’m doing my job, babe.” I raised my right eyebrow while kissing her nose, “Now, where can I find the ingredients for this mimosa you mentioned?”

“Both should be in the fridge. How many pancakes would you like?”

“Pancakes?” My voice perked as I grabbed a bottle of champagne and the orange juice. “Start me off with 2.” I filled two glasses with champagne before passing her one. “I have a belief that any drink with champagne in it should be treated as celebratory, so before adding anything to this, I think we should each make a toast.”

“A toast?” Alison smirked, picking up the glass with glee. “Okay, I can work with that. You first or me first?”

“I’ll show you how it’s done.” I cleared my throat, reaching my hand out to pull Alison closer to me. She placed one hand on my chest as I looked into her eyes, “Here’s to as far as we’ve come and to where we’re going. Here’s to us.”

“Cheers, Em.” She smiled before taking a sip and giving me a short kiss, “My toast… Hmm. Here’s to both of us embracing that love happens when you least expect it and never letting it go.”

“Cheers…” I whispered as we kissed once more.

“I mean that though. I’m never letting you go.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

* * *

“Anything I need to be briefed on before walking in?” I asked while nervously rubbing my fingers together in the passenger’s seat.

Alison must have sensed or seen the nerves because she broke apart my hands to lace one of hers in mine, “I’m not going to lie to you. They may be expecting you to be pretty church-y, but I get that this isn’t your thing. If they try to give you any shit, I’ll be there for you. You’ll meet my mom, my brother, and my sister-in-law, as well as my old in-laws. Carter’s parents are Reverend and Mrs. Schoen. He no longer runs the church, but that title is important, especially here.”

“What was that last name again?” I turned to her, trying to note all of the specifics internally.

“It’s pronounced like ‘shown’, kind of. Say that and you’ll be close enough. It’s German. Very German.”

“Alison Schoen.” I whispered out the window causing her to squeeze my hand. I kissed the back of our hand hold before continuing to speak, “It actually sounds cute.”

“Are you surprised?”

“No. It just seems like a different person, you know.”

“She was…”

There was something about the way she said it that I could tell I had hit an exposed nerve. A different person. A past that I hadn’t yet been made privy too. Her hand recoiled in mine as she wrapped both hands tightly around her steering wheel. She was sitting up straighter with her eyes darting back and forth as we got closer to the church. I didn’t know what I had said or done, so I tried to bring the conversation back to her biggest love. To her heart.

“What’s Jacob’s middle name? I don’t think I’ve heard it yet.”

“Elias.”

“Ah, so you guys went full Bible.” I chuckled as I tried to make Alison more comfortable again, “Jacob Elias Schoen. That’s cute too.”

“Hey, Em?” she asked, abruptly, “I know you’re nervous and are processing through everything, but if you could stop reminding me of my married name, that’d be great.”

“But it’s – “

“Please.”

“I was just testing out how the names sound, Ali. I wasn’t – “

“And Alison DiLaurentis sounds the best, Emily. Leave it at that.”

“Fine.”

She was angry. For the first time since we had met, Alison was actually mad. I didn’t know what I had done. There was a part of her past that I was being held to despite not knowing any of it. Not being let in enough to know where the gap in our understanding lied. Not knowing where to go. Especially moments from walking into a church to meet both sides of her entire family. Especially when I was just seeking clarity for the event, not trying to rile anything up.

She sighed, putting the car into park, “Look, it’s just a lot to be walking into here today with someone new, and all you can talk about is the past. It’s already a lot to essentially come out to an entire congregation the moment we walk in there today and then stand next to my ex and his whole family. I don’t need you reminding me of it too. I don’t.”

“What do you – “

“Yesterday was big for you and yes, I appreciate and love you coming to church with me today. But today is big for _me_. I’ve attended this church since 5th grade. These people have seen me through junior high and puberty and my first boyfriend and college and Carter and marriage and pregnancy and childbirth and cancer and divorce. But I’ve never brought a girl here. Hell, I don’t even know if Carter’s parents know. How do you tell a Reverend that – fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” She pulled down her rearview mirror to check her makeup as she brought her fingers up to the corners of her eyes catching her tears. I couldn’t tell if they were from anger or sadness.

“So you being excited today – “

“It’s all a front, Emily. My life isn’t about me. It hasn’t been about me since I married the preacher’s son a fucking decade ago. I needed you to be excited so that I didn’t think about how terrifying today is. I needed you to be the focus so that maybe I wouldn’t get here. To this place. I’m not good with things being about me… with the focus being on me. Not in public. Not here. Being the focus is never good for me. It’s always negative. It’s always judgmental. It’s… it’s…”

She kept trying to take breaths without any air being inhaled as if choking on her own words. I didn’t know the woman in front of me. For seemingly having everything together, she was falling apart. Something I had said or done had ripped a seam in the very fabric holding her together. And so here she was crumbling. I was so thrown off-guard that I hadn’t even worked through what she had said.

“Okay, okay. Alison, look at me.” I placed my palm on the side of her face. “You’re panicking, baby. You’re okay; I’m right here. We don’t have to be a couple today, sweetheart. We can go in and be whatever you need us to be. Take a deep breath for me. Deep – “ I watched her sit up straighter as she inhaled, “Perfect. Hold it for a few more… and exhale. You’re okay. There is no pressure on this today. There doesn’t have to be any focus on you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, Ali.”

As soon as she caught her breath, Alison wrenched herself out of my hands and started getting out of the car.

“Fuck.” I muttered, knowing that no compromise or conclusion had been made. Conversations needed to be finished, and I had been interrupted more times in the past 5 minutes than in the past 3 weeks. Everything about this made me uncomfortable and on edge. But when I looked out the window, Alison was standing there, waiting.

It was as if from the moment she calmed down, she wanted to move on. But Alison had just torpedoed through everything we had ever discussed. It’s all a front? What? This? Us? Today was terrifying for her? Then why was _she_ the one convincing me otherwise last night? Why was I pouring out my soul to her, tearing up on her chest, wrapped in her arms. And she was ‘working up to it’? This was what she was working up to? A minute long tirade that she expected me to move on from and walk into a place that gave me more anxiety than any other place in the world. Who was this woman? Was this the side she was scared for me to see? Had she really lost so much of herself that the mention of her married name sent her spiraling? What the fuck was happening?

“You ready?” She asked, extending her hand.

I stepped out of the car, brushing the front of my dress, refusing to place my hand in hers after not finishing our conversation. “You’re really going to act like what just happened in the car didn’t happen?”

“For right now, it _didn’t_ happen. Do you want to hold my hand or not, Em?” Her words were terse.

I stopped a foot from the car to face her, “You were just the one freaking out about it, Alison. I’m not making that decision until we finish talking. I have no idea what the fuck that was. Beginning to end that just blindsided me, and now you want to act like it didn’t happen. For what? Putting on a good show? I’m not a fucking display to showcase the perfect life you’re trying to project here, Alison. I’m your girlfriend. And it’s fine if you want to figure out how to tell people at church, but you’re not going to panic about it all and then, haphazardly make a decision moments before walking through those doors. I will not follow through on an action you haven’t even processed yourself.”

“Okay.” She crossed her arms, not wanting to grow further frustrated, “I understand. Walk next to me at least?”

“Sure.”

We walked in silence as I gathered my breath headed to the outer doors of the narthex. Alison hustled a few steps ahead so that she could open the door for me, her eyes pleading for understanding as they met mine. I felt her hand barely graze my lower back as she guided us toward the right side of the worship hall before she quickly removed it realizing the body language.

Stepping into the pew, everyone but Carter had arrived as Alison began making introductions, “This is Emily, everyone. Emily, this is my mother. You know my dad. Between them are Jason and his wife, Aria. And then at the end down there are Reverend and Mrs. Schoen, Carter’s parents.”

“Nice to meet you all.” I smiled, raising my hand as we all sat back down on the pew in unison.

I felt a hand on the back of my upper arm soon after, turning to find Alison’s mother speaking to me from behind Alison’s back. “It is so great to meet you, Emily. I’m really looking forward to getting to know you more at lunch today. She’s quite stunning, Alison.” She elbowed her daughter while winking at me.

Unnerved would be too kind of a word to describe the anxiety rushing through my body sitting in that congregation. Everything in my body was telling me to run. Not only because I had no idea what page Alison and I were on, but because I had vowed to never return to a church after coming out in high school. And here I was nearly forcibly sitting in a pew next to my girlfriend who was just as terrified as I was nearly two decades earlier. At this point, I couldn’t care less if we were accepted or not. The fact that it was even a question in Alison’s mind told me all I needed to know.

Carter tapped my shoulder soon after, leading me to stand and give him a hug, “Good to see you, Em. Ali. Everyone.” Carter nodded down the row before letting me go. “Thanks for saving me a seat. Jake wanted to show me the craft he made last week in Sunday School, and I got a little distracted. How are you doing?”

“Fine.” I didn’t want to lie. The curtness in my voice led Carter to lean and look at Alison who politely smiled.

“Ali?”

“We’re fine, yeah.” She scratched the back of my right shoulder as I shrugged off her touch, “How did the rest of your night go, Car? It really was a lot of fun getting us all together.”

“Really though,” I interjected, “I think we balanced it all well. It went better than I had expected it to, to be honest.”

“Jake passed out almost immediately, and yeah, it was great having the whole crew together.”

“Some might say it went _perfectly_.” I gave Alison a side eye as she held onto my wrist.

Carter chuckled, “I’m not even going to try to speculate about what’s going on here.” He wiped his hands off on his pants while spinning to the front as the choir began.

Everyone around me stood as they began singing the opening hymn, so I hesitantly followed suit. Before sitting, the pastor welcomed us all and encouraged us to give peace to those around us. Without even thinking twice, I turned toward Carter first to wrap him in a hug.

“Peace be with you.” We both exchanged before rotating to watch Alison hug each of her parents before waving at Carter’s.

Alison turned back to me with her head tilted to the side as if seeking some form of forgiveness. “Peace be with you.” We hugged without me replying. “Emily?” She held onto my elbow wanting a response.

“Not now, Alison.”

She nodded, pulling her upper lip into her bottom teeth. “So you’re like actually upset right now?”

“I sure am. The real question is how are you not after what happened in the car?”

“This is more important than dwelling in those emotions, babe.”

“You’re right. Putting on a façade for this group of strangers really is so much more important than working through shit with your girlfriend. I get it.”

“Em – “

“Nope, don’t worry about it, Alison. We can dwell later.” I commented before tapping Carter’s shoulder, “Would you mind letting me out really quickly? I need to run to the restroom.”

I placed my palms flat on the counter as I reached the bathroom mirror. My pupils were constricted to match the frustration in my blood. Every part of me was conflicted. Alison had gone from angry to sad to anxious in the blink of an eye but seemed to move past it even faster. I couldn’t tell if it was a typical coping mechanism or something she was doing for my own comfort. Did she even trust me with how she was feeling considering it was brought up through _my_ actions? Would she have said anything if her previous last name hadn’t run through my mind? Maybe three weeks was too fast and maybe this is what it took to catch up to us. I stared at my reflection willing myself to calm down for the time being. There was no need to make a scene. This was an Alison issue that I had somehow wormed my way into. I figured that the sooner I let her come to me the better.

Walking back into the service, I squeezed in the pew on Carter’s left as he turned questioning my spot, “I don’t want to make you move again. We can switch back in a bit.”

But I saw Alison look our direction. In her eyes, I could sense the same turmoil I had just faced. She didn’t know where we stood either, and it was as if I could physically see the cogs in her head spinning to figure out where our conversation went wrong. I wasn’t going to lead the discussion in any way. This was Alison’s family, Alison’s church, and Alison’s issue. I knew what I wanted to say when she was ready. But past that, it wasn’t my place. Not here. Not now.

Tuning back into the sermon though, I soon heard the pew creak to my right again, only to find Alison standing up. “Emily?” She whispered. “Go. Walk out with me.” She swatted my arm and as I stood up, she took my hand. Laced our fingers together in the middle of the congregation. In the middle of a sermon. If anyone did notice, I hadn’t realized because I was too busy trying to figure out what was happening. Stepping out into the foyer, Alison kept dragging me out the front door of the church until we were back in our positions in the car.

“Buckle your seatbelt, Em.”

“Alison, what are you doing?”

“We’re doing this again. Starting it over.”

“You can’t take back what you said.”

“Please, Emily. I can’t concentrate in there knowing that I fucked up. I’m not going to drive or anything, but start it over.”

Her eyes were widely staring at me as I saw the buildup of tears in her ducts. This was her trying to fix it. This was her attempt at being vulnerable and remedying our earlier conversation. I didn’t know where it was heading, but I could tell just from her eyes that she was in pain.

I brushed a hand through my hair before replying, “From where?”

“My name… start there.” She smiled, buckling her seatbelt as well and turning to put both hands on the steering wheel. I realized she wasn’t joking about starting over. She was being literal.

“Okay.” I looked back and forth in the car trying to remember our positioning, “I was holding your hand, Ali” I whispered before she smirked, wrapping her right hand in mind again. It made her exhale in relief as if this step might have been the most important. “Alison Schoen… it actually sounds cute.”

“I hate that last name because I don’t like thinking about who I was back then. I was hateful and distant and withdrawn. I’ve done a lot of work to move past that name.” She spoke the words like she had been rehearsing them since we sat down in the church. They were quick and nearly emotionless.

I replied, hesitantly, “Would you like for me not to bring it up?”

“I need to get better about it being brought up. I mean, for fucks sake, it will always be my son’s name. My future grandchildren’s name. But it just brings up a lot of old wounds.”

“I get that. Church does that for me…”

“I want to hear all about that then, just like I’m sure you want to hear about everything running through my head this morning.” She leaned over the console, pressing a kiss against my cheek, “Emily, I’m so sorry. I fell back into what I used to do in relationships. What my family does. And I forgot to see the actual human hurt that is caused when I invalidate a conversation.”

I involuntarily scooted away from her, raising my voice in kind. “You did more than invalidate it, Alison. You ignored it. You refused to finish it or listen to my reply to you saying that this is all a front. You didn’t even offer a rebuttal when I threw out that I was being used as a prop for your version of a perfect life. You interrupted me and instead of putting my best foot forward walking into someplace that gives me insane PTSD, you basically told me to shove it down.”

“You’re right. I did.” She knew not to argue. She remembered her actions from half an hour before. “I should’ve been up-front with you last night when we were talking. I honestly didn’t think it would hit me this hard though. I thought… well, I didn’t know what I thought, but I’m just so sure about us that I didn’t let it affect me until immediately confronted with it. You mean so much to me, and I don’t want to ruin today with our first actual argument.”

“You haven’t ruined anything. I’m just completely thrown off by what happened. I’m confused and aggravated and worried about you all at the same time.”

“We’re not going to solve this in a church parking lot though, Em. We both know that. But I’m sorry for being defensive and dismissive. I brought you out here to apologize and promise to have this discussion tonight. But I can’t have you this pissed off at me.”

“Because I’m meeting your perfect family?”

“No, sweetie. Because I hate being the reason for your frown. Because when I talk about us at lunch today, I want you by my side filling in my gaps. Because I _need_ you next to me today, holding my hand and keeping both of us strong. So, can we try this again?”

“And you mean fully talking about it tonight? Not working up to maybe discussing it tonight or hesitantly going over it? I’m upset, like actually really upset right now.”

“No, I am too. Not at you, really, but at this whole scenario. But us being upset at each other right now doesn’t change the day’s plans. We have to get through today, and I will take whatever you throw at me tonight.”

“Okay, then. I’m holding you to that.”

She nodded back at me, still holding back her tears, “Can I give you a kiss as an olive branch?”

“Come here…”

Alison reached to unbuckle my seatbelt before giving me a short kiss, pulling away to look into my eyes for any sort of continued grief. “You alright?”

I whispered, pushing her hair back, “If we’re sticking to this whole ‘starting over’ motif, then you actually came and opened the door for me the first time.” I pointed behind me as I smirked, really seeing how far I could push Alison’s own narrative.

“Right.” She hustled around the car, extended her hand after opening my door, “You ready?”

“I’m ready.” I grabbed her left hand, which she quickly brought up to kiss before wrapping my arm around her waist.

We walked back into church wrapped around each other, with Alison’s head tucked into my side. She ushered Carter down the row when we returned just nearing the end of the sermon as she leaned against my left shoulder, ensuring our hands were still together as we sat.

She exhaled, “This feels much better.”

“It does. Guess what?” I whispered, tapping her shoulder with mine, “You just came out.”

She gasped, turning toward me, “I kind of did!”

“You definitely did.” I traced my thumb on the back of her hand while continuing my whisper. “Would it be okay to kiss you on the head?” She squeezed my hand in affirmation as I pressed my lips against the top of her forehead softly, “I’m so proud of you, Ali.”

* * *

As the service came to a close, Alison made sure to stay next to me both holding my hand and placing her other hand near the crook of my elbow.

We stood gathering all of our belongings as Carter started speaking to us, “Did you guys figure it out?”

“For the most part.” I replied, “Do you think they noticed?”

“Your mom definitely did, Al. But I covered and just said that it was Emily’s first time back in church in a bit.”

“Not a lie.” Alison smiled, kissing the side of my upper arm. “Thanks, Carter.”

She released our hands for a moment in order to pat his arm as he rubbed the top of her head lovingly.

“Car! Don’t mess up my hair. My God! Em, does it look alright?” I turned to her laughing as I ran my hands through it quickly to adjust the minimal frizz.

“You always look amazing. Don’t worry.”

Jason yelled from down the row, “Yeah, get over it, Ali. We’re trying to gather in the narthex over here but you’re blocking the exit.”

Her family swiftly surrounded us as we stood in the foyer of the church trying to decide on lunch. As we all casually spoke, Jacob came running from a side hallway nearly mowing Alison and I down with how he flung himself into her legs.

“Hey there, Bug!” she exclaimed, struggling to pick up his gangly frame to rest him against her hip. “I missed you so, so much!”

“We heard that we tired you out yesterday.” I commented as he shyly nodded into Alison’s shoulder. As I opened my mouth to continue though, his hoard of grandparents and parents and aunt and uncle started speaking to him as well.

“As you can see, he does not lack for attention around here.” Alison laughed, making sure to reconnect our hands.

“So Alison…” Carter’s mother started speaking from across the circle, “I don’t think Carter really gave us a proper introduction before Emily came to church this morning.”

“Of course. So sorry. Everyone who hasn’t formally been introduced yet, this is my girlfriend, Emily.

Carter’s parents turned toward each other and shared a look but made no further comments which gave me some slight relief as Alison’s mother began speaking, “I, for one, am so happy that I finally get to meet you. From the way both Alison and my husband have spoken about you, you seem like an amazing woman. Carter was actually saying this morning that this is your first time back in church in a while?”

“Yes ma’am.” I affirmed, looking around the circle to take in everyone’s reactions, “I am a believer, for sure, and pray as often as I can. I just had a pretty bad experience with the church when I was younger.”

“Well, I certainly hope that coming here today hasn’t been too taxing. I can speak on behalf of my family and say we welcome you with open arms.”

“Thank you, Mrs. DiLaurentis. That means a lot.”

Alison passed off Jacob to Carter as she started speaking, “It means a lot that you came here today with me too, Em. Honestly, if I haven’t said it, I’m incredibly proud of you.”

“Have you decided where you want to go today, little guy?” Jason asked while him and Jacob exchanged high fives.

“Daddy, can we have noodles?” He asked into Carter’s t-shirt.

“Noodles?” Carter opened up to the group, receiving nods in return, “I think we can make noodles happen, buddy!”

“Jace? Aria? You want to ride with Emily and me?” Alison proposed as we were walking out the front door.

As Aria and I reached the same side of the car, she placed her hand on my shoulder, “I was waiting for the right time to introduce myself. I’m Aria, Jason’s wife. It’s so nice to meet you. Alison really has been raving about you on the group chats for the past few weeks.” She finished her thought as we were getting in the car.

“Group chats?” I asked Alison as she looked over her shoulder.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Alison shrugged, glancing at Aria, “Usually when Em and I get time together, we only talk about a small segment of topics. Aria and I have been best friends since… did we decide on 7th grade?”

“7th or 8th grade, for sure. So as much as you may think Jason or Carter know the scoop, I’m really the one with all the dirt you need to know.”

I turned to fully look at Aria behind me, “So great to know. There is only so much the boys actually even remember. It’s great to officially meet one of Alison’s friends. That is one part of our lives we haven’t really gotten into yet, you know?”

“Completely understood!” Aria laughed, “You grew up in Texas, right? Makes it hard to have friends out here…”

“100 percent, and I’m just getting used to developing a work life balance. Alison has been really good about holding me to that.”

“She would literally stay in the labs all day if she could. But I’m trying to pare down her 60 hour work weeks into maybe 50 hour ones? Is that a fair estimate, babe?”

“Days you’re not expecting me until later on the phone, I definitely work until 7 or so.” Alison hit my arm with the back of her hand. “At least I’m honest! If I want to be able to leave early this week, then I have to work late the weeks you’re not in Baltimore.”

“What was that again?” Jason asked from the backseat.

“Don’t worry about it, Jace. We’re just having to split our time because of Jacob.”

“I see…” He murmured from the back seat.

“Say whatever the fuck you want to.” Alison scoffed, “I know you won’t be able to hold it in, and I’d rather you say it with us instead of in front of everyone else.”

Alison reached over to hold my hand as Jason started speaking, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but this seems like a lot to be taking on as a couple so soon in your relationship. You’re essentially moving in together after what, 3 weeks? No offense to you Emily, but Alison, how much do you really know this girl?”

“I mean, offense taken.” I grumbled from the passenger’s seat, feeling Aria’s hand on my right shoulder. But I felt Alison’s hand get more tense in mine as we were getting off our exit for the restaurant.

“Jason,“ Aria interjected, after realizing that Alison had gone mute, “I wouldn’t say that it’s anyone’s place to have a say in what’s best for their relationship or not. Isn’t moving in with each other quickly a common stereotype in female relationships?”

“It is used often.” I chuckled, rubbing Alison’s hand to check-in with her next to me, “But I wouldn’t say that’s the case for us necessarily. Living so far from each other means that we’re having to get creative, especially when I work as much as I do. Like any other relationship, there is a give and take that happens. One of the ways Alison is supporting our relationship is coming to Baltimore a few days out of the month so that we aren’t relegated to only seeing each other on weekends when those are usually family-oriented for you all.” I, then, took a deep breath getting ready to stand my ground, “ Jason, I don’t know you, and I respect you being upfront about your opinion. But frankly, Alison’s opinion of me is all that matters right now. I look forward to you learning more about me and vice versa, and I won’t let your comment impact that. But I will also say that any questioning of my character, I take incredibly seriously. I have nothing but the best of intentions with and for your sister; she knows that. Lastly, I’m not ‘this girl.’ I’m not a chick she just picked up. If she trusts me enough to have me meet you all and Jacob, even, you should trust her enough with that, too.” Alison put the car in the park as I finished, leaning over to place a kiss on Alison’s cheek, “That’s the last I’m going to speak about that though. Jason, I’ll save you a seat next to me inside.”

I got out of the car in a huff, trying to allow my frustration to drip off of me as I followed behind Carter’s parents toward the front of the restaurant. Despite being agitated though, a smile still came across my lips rather easily as all I could hear in the background was the echo of Alison’s voice as she was openly berating her brother in the parking lot.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you all are enjoying the story thus far. If you enjoy this story, I highly encourage you to go and read the other stories I have posted on this site. My personal favorite is _Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams_ which is fully complete. It's another Emison story that I sincerely hope you all enjoy.**

**Also, if you've read all of my stories on this site and are looking for me, I am posting the first chapter to a new story story I'm writing exclusively through my Patreon this week! I'm the same user name over there and all profits from it are going directly to medical bills I have accrued over the past year. There are 2 short stories and other fun writing I've done in the past already up! Go check it out if you're interested. Shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon for all of their support.**

**See you all with Part 2 on Thursday! :)**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	11. Go With Grace - Part 2

Alison, Jason and Aria joined us soon after at the table with Alison openly wrapping her arms around the back of my shoulders before pulling me in for a kiss to apologize.

“I love you…” she whispered, sitting down to my right as Aria and Jason sat across from us.

“Emily, I wanted to say sorry.” Jason opened, holding onto Aria’s hand next to him, “That was uncalled for after just meeting you.”

“You’re a protective older brother. I understand. Like I said, that was the last I wanted to speak about it. But thanks, I accept your apology.”

“He is a protective older brother, but I’m also a grown-ass adult.” Alison asserted, staring Jason down to reiterate her point.

“Ali, Jake is at the table, darling.” Mrs. DiLaurentis interjected from the opposite end where Carter, Jacob, and the rest of the family were seated.

“Talk to your son about manners if you want to correct anyone, Mom.”

“Emily!” Aria interrupted, “Alison has mentioned what you do a few times but I’d love to hear about what you’re working on directly from you.”

“I’m getting better at explaining it, but I still fumble over the words.” Alison replied.

“Yeah, of course.” I cleared my voice as the rest of the table was also staring at me, “I was brought on Johns Hopkins 4 months ago but had been in talks with them since the start of this year to help co-lead with another long-term doctor on their current large Pathology and Mutation longitudinal study. Specifically, we are looking at the genetic makeup of cured tumor cells through the collection of blood and tissue samples from patients currently in remission. This is to hopefully find links between cancerous mutations and the types of treatments used to cure them so that we can make a direct impact on patients currently undergoing treatment.”

As I paused, I saw Alison’s eyes glowing back at me. It appeared as though I could discuss what I did for the rest of our lives, and she would never get bored. It was like through my passion, she discovered hers as well. She stared at me like a teenager speaking to their crush for the first time, and I loved every second of it.

“That’s incredibly impressive, Emily.” Reverend Schoen remarked from the middle of the table, “Is that then how you and Alison met, I assume?”

Carter and Alison made eyes across the table as he smiled and shrugged at his father’s openness. She reached behind her for my hand starting her reply, “Sort of. We met at the gala earlier this month but didn’t know she was a doctor in cancer research right away. She works in a completely different area than where all of our time goes in the hospital.”

“I’d think we’re lucky to have someone like her on our side now. Has she looked over any of Jake’s old scans or even the ones he got this past summer at his check-up?” He followed up.

“No, Reverend Schoen, I haven’t. I told both Carter and Alison though that I could, but I also trust the professionals I work with tremendously. Alison mentioned a few nights ago on the phone that I could join in for Jacob’s end of the year follow-up in December if we cleared it with Carter and Jacob first.”

“Oh, that’s great.” Mrs. Schoen replied, “I’m sure you get this a ton, but – my girlfriend who’s a general practitioner – oh, you know, what I mean, not like you two, but my friend who – well, anyways, I call her all the time if I feel even the inkling of a cough. Do you get that a lot?”

Alison nervously smiled next to me, watching her painfully work her way through that statement as I tried not to laugh in reply, “Good question! I don’t get that as much because I’m so specialized now. But in Med School, I definitely did. Now my knowledge in those areas is far more limited. If your friend is ever unable to help you though, feel free to send me a text or something. Maybe I can figure it out.”

“Good save there, babe.” Alison reassured, “I wouldn’t have been able to stop laughing if it were me.”

The rest of our lunch proceeded without much difficulty or awkwardness. Alison made sure to hug Jacob a multitude of times before letting him go for the week, and she even convinced him to wave to me from a few feet away as they were getting him settled in his car seat. After dropping Jason and Aria back off at their car at the church, both of us were relieved to finally be just us two again.

“Now, why were you worried again?” I asked, sending Alison into a fit of giggles about the multitude of responses we had received from her entire family. “I’m fucking exhausted.”

“We made it!” She leaned over to kiss me, briefly, “It went far better than I had envisioned though. It seems like Carter’s parents are… okay, surprisingly enough?”

“Jean seemed about to have an aneurysm trying to spit out that her physician isn’t her actual girlfriend, though.”

“I don’t know what _that_ is, but she did go through a slight malfunctioning.”

“It’s a brain bleed, babe.” I tickled her forearm with my fingers, “But no, it went well. We can head into this evening knowing that we can leave at least the middle part of today behind us.” I paused just long enough that Alison got the hint.

“I’m sorry about Jason. I didn’t anticipate his reaction, but please know that it’s not going to happen again. You should’ve never had to defend yourself on your own. I knew that if I didn’t hold my tongue before parking though that it wouldn’t have been good.”

“You’re okay, love. I understood, and I think it was important that I stuck up for myself and our relationship first. I did hear you really giving it to him as I was walking into the restaurant. Gave me a good laugh.”

“I love you for doing that though, Em. You sticking up for yourself was one of the hottest things I’ve witnessed in a long time, so it was my pleasure to return the favor.”

“I was thinking.” I traced the inside of Alison’s palm before making eye contact, “If you’d like, I can drive both of us to Baltimore tonight and maybe you can test out the train on Wednesday or Thursday? That way we can figure out our shit on the way back to mine and not bring that energy into the house for the week.”

“Is keeping that energy out important for you?” She asked sincerely, glancing my way to read my face.

“Not typically, but it’s our first full week together. I’d rather us spend tonight putting things in your drawers or I don’t know, spending all night in bed together or something dumb like that… But if you’d rather –“ I smirked her direction.

“You cleared out drawers for me?” She grinned from ear to ear. God was her smile worth it. It was worth everything. It was worth it all.

“Closet space, too. Oh, I also took out some photos from my picture frames so that you can add some of your family or Jacob.”

She replied without thinking, “I love you.”

“I love you, too. I want to make this as easy for you as possible.”

“Then, lets definitely take your car. After hearing that, I would much rather be doing couple stuff tonight.”

* * *

Alison packed for the upcoming week giddily upstairs as I wandered around the first floor taking it all in. Having packed already that morning, I took my time traipsing through the space. I loved seeing how ‘lived in’ a home felt. Jacob’s randomly strewn toys across the living room floor. Remnants of our mimosas this morning left on the side table. Cushions with a permanent indent from being a spot of increased use on the couch. I quickly water washed the items in the sink, rinsing our glasses as well so that they would be ready for the dish washer. It was something kind to pass the time without overstepping. The nerves for our future conversation were beginning to set in as she frolicked down the stairs, her bag crashing behind her on every step.

We entered the car quietly after placing our bags in the trunk both not knowing exactly where to start. Knowing our personalities rather well on the surface level though, I figured that I had to take the first step otherwise, we’d be sitting in silence for quite a while.

“So you mentioned that ‘this is all a front’ this morning. I still don’t know what that means.” I muttered, trying to get the conversation started.

Alison stared out the window as I began driving. She still was uncomfortable with the entire idea of us talking, “I’ve always had to hide my emotions. So yeah, in a lot of what I do, my emotions are a front.”

“Okay, do you care to share why?”

“You saw how my dad treated me in our one-on-one last week. My emotions were never considered when I was younger. It was always about appearance and making sure that I faded in the background next to him or my mother. So, I learned to put on whatever emotion was expected of me. Today, I was expected to be excited.”

“But you obviously weren’t.”

“I was excited to be with you and introduce you to my mom and Jason and Aria. But I hadn’t really considered the ramifications of it all.”

“And you didn’t feel comfortable enough talking to me about it last night?”

“Not really… I didn’t know if you would understand, and we had such a good day. I didn’t want to leave off on a bad note.”

“Make that make sense to me, Ali. Because I told you that I would give you more time just last week, and you proclaimed loudly about being openly out. I said that explicitly. So how do you think I felt rolling up into a parking lot and being bombarded for speaking a fucking last name this morning? I was blindsided.”

“You’re right. That wasn’t fair.”

“Wasn’t fair? Alison, we are in a relationship, are we not? You’ve trusted me with your family, your ex, your son, your life. But you don’t trust me enough to tell me how you’re really feeling at any given point in time? To me that seems like a step that should’ve come first.”

“It’s not though. I don’t know how to explain it to you, Emily. My feelings have never mattered. As a child, as the wife of a preacher’s son, as an adult with a son slowly fading from cancer, as an ex-wife, as a daughter of the great Kenneth DiLaurentis. I don’t know how to make that more clear. My feelings. Do. Not. Matter.”

Silence flooded the car, “They matter to me… they matter to me more than most things in my life right now. Seeing you happy and content and peaceful matters more than I can put into words, babe. I’m incredibly open with how I’m feeling about this whole process and how I feel about you. I guess I just expected the same from you without realizing how difficult that would be.”

Alison ran her hands through her hair, “I haven’t lied to you, Emily. I’m not over here keeping shit from you or anything. With me and you, it’s easy to be honest about things that involve only us. But when I incorporate parts of my life where I haven’t been able to really be myself in a long time, I prefer to shy away from discussing myself at all.”

“I get that, but – and tell me if this is expecting too much – but when you’re talking to me, sharing with me, I am expecting you to be honest _with_ me. I am expecting that the woman I’m in love with trusts me enough to tell me how she’s feeling so that I can support her. Is that too much to expect?”

“Not at all. That’s the entire reason I cracked this morning. I’m so used to not being able to say anything but then, you are… you are amazing. You make me want to be eternally honest and hopeful. But I was walking into a place where the same wouldn’t be appreciated, so I short-circuited.”

“I’m not going to lie. You scared the shit out of me.”

She reached over squeezing my hand, “I’m sorry. I was anxious and angry and scared. Really fucking scared.”

“It’s the fact that you wanted me to move on with you. You expected me to join in on whatever fucked up charade you’ve been running with your family for the past three decades of your life.”

“Emily – “

“What? I’m not signing onto that. I will never be the woman on your arm who shuts up and takes it. Especially like that. You asked if I was ready to walk in when you had just had a panic attack in front of me. You sewed yourself together with whatever coherent words I was able to spit out and wanted _me_ to move on. You actually said, ‘For right now, it _didn’t_ happen, Emily’. But I was still taken aback; I had no idea what had happened.”

“It’s not a fucked up charade.”

“Then what is it? Please, Alison, I just want to understand because I don’t want it to happen like that again.”

“It’s how I protect myself. I can’t show weakness around them. I can’t show anger or grief or sadness or anything negative. A year into Jacob’s treatment, my dad started the ground work for the foundation. I had quit my job to be at the hospital or at home with Jacob as much as he needed me to be, especially after that first round of radiation. And you know what my dad said when Jacob’s cancer hadn’t reduced after his first round of treatment? As I was sobbing in my parent’s living room? He told me, ‘To suck it up for the story.’ The story – “ Her voice cracked next to me as she pulled her legs up into her chest. “My son was a fucking means to an end for him. Him not beating cancer the first time around was ‘good for the story’ he was trying to sell. Makes me sick. So no, it’s not a fucked up charade, even if that’s what it looks like. Because if I walked in today still panicked or terrified about the church’s impression or whatever the fuck it may be, my dad would somehow twist it. Say some bullshit about how I’m the one who ‘chose a more difficult life when coming out’. It’s self-preservation, Emily. Because as an adult, I _don’t_ have to subject myself to his berating.”

“So you choose a mask of yourself instead?”

“Yeah, Em. I’d rather be ignored than ridiculed.”

Ouch. I got what she was saying for the first time in our entire conversation. I took her solution this morning as being irrational or unpredictable, but Alison was following the steps and order that she had been taught. It seemed chaotic because it wasn’t the same order I had grown up expecting. She was following the protocol she had learned. She was doing all that she knew how to do. She was saving herself. She was saving us.

“I’m sorry that’s the only option you’ve felt you’ve had. I wish you had told me sooner so that I could’ve anticipated this morning. I would’ve supported you however you needed me to.”

“I mean, you ultimately did. After we went out to my car to talk, you were great. I shouldn’t have second-guessed explaining all of this to you. There’s just no good time when everything else with you goes so smoothly.”

“Do you want to talk about the cancer stuff? Carter said you shut down during it all.”

“When did you have a chance to talk to Carter? Yesterday?”

“Yeah, during our meeting at the park. He said you live in the same head space you were in in the hospital. That you lost a part of yourself in there.”

“He’s not wrong. I was so positive going into it all. You know how I am with big words or heavy-handed explanations. I had never even heard the term Medulloblastoma until it was in direct reference to Jake. Carter did all the research for us at first. He came to me with articles that I assume were the positive ones he found. But I’m sure he had to scour the internet to find those few that I could cling to for hope. They did rounds of radiation first, 5 a week for 6 weeks. I took him every day, reading him books and playing games. We were positive and hopeful, and looking back on it, incredibly naïve.”

“Maybe that’s what Jacob needed though.”

“He had no idea he was even sick. Not really, you know? How can you know that at 3? So, we were okay, but Carter wasn’t. He let all of it haunt him. Everything he read and studied and memorized. Every time Jake was sick or lost another part of his hair or kept on more water weight, Carter felt that viscerally. And after that first round, it had barely shrunk.” She quickly put her hair up in a ponytail, reaching over to turn up the AC.

“Are you alright? Do you need me to pull over?”

“I haven’t told anyone this in any amount of detail. It’s just making me hot.”

“Sweetheart, we can stop. We’re on your timeline. I just figured that – “

“No, no. I told you this afternoon that I would answer any question you had for me. If anyone will understand, it’s you. Let’s get it over with…” She inhaled nervously tapping her hands against her legs until I wrapped her left hand with mine again. “It had barely shrunk. He was still dizzy, and it would affect his speech in the mornings if he slept on the wrong side. Or sometimes, he thought his eye sight was going out, but he can’t verbalize any of this. He’s crying and trying to talk and it broke me apart. I forced Carter to show me the articles. I made him tell me everything. I made him show me what happens with unsuccessful cases. We went to my parent’s preferred funeral home and picked out a fucking plot –“

Her voice fully cracked for the first time as she let out a whimper. In that moment, I began second guessing pushing her to tell me anything at all.

“ – because we didn’t know. I remember going in for our follow-up the week after his scans, and I was a different person. I was no longer positive or hopeful; I needed to figure out how to make my son better. Them saying that we couldn’t rely on radiation therapy again for another 6 to 8 weeks to give his body time to recover devastated me. So, we opted for surgery. He only weighed 25 pounds or something. The size of a two year old, and I was willingly letting him go under the knife. I was trusting him with relative strangers.”

Her voice dropped as her head fell toward her lap, “No one cared about him like I did. No one knew how I softed his arm when he was having a bad dream. No one whispered it was going to be okay to him night after night. No one loved him like how a mother loves her son. And I let him go. Watching those doors swing closed from his recovery room to the operating room killed a part of me. I sent a part of myself with him to that surgery that I never got back.”

Alison spoke as if internally shattered. Her bottom lip pouted and quivered as she tried to hold back tears. I looked out my window to wipe away my own as quickly as I could and attempted to ignore the tears dripping on the back of my hand still lying in her lap. Hearing this story was worse than I had anticipated. It was devastating. It was no wonder she tried to stay away from it all.

She exhaled, readying herself to speak again, “You know what post-op looks like. He was intubated and unresponsive. But even bandaged up and under sedatives, he looked like he was in pain, you know?” She looked up at me desperately, seeking recognition and understanding. I nodded.

“He looked like he needed me somehow. The surgery went well,” she shrugged, “they got a vast majority of it. His swelling went down. They didn’t believe that he had lost any significant functioning. And so, Carter started livening up again. He started picking up where I couldn’t any longer. Because as much as I love Jacob, he’s a different kid now. That recovery process is when he found out he was actually sick. That something had been wrong for a while that we had protected him from. And parts of his carefree personality and his trust for us kind of dissipated because he knew that not everything in life was okay. He was terrified to go back in for radiation post-surgery. It was no longer reading time or play time. He knew that he would be sick afterwards, so he screamed and wailed. And I had to stop being the one to take him. I couldn’t see him in pain like that. I couldn’t even bring myself to be at the first appointment where the doctors told Carter that the cancer was gone. Carter called me so excited, and I was vomiting because the whole idea of Jake not being okay made me ill. I never went into the office for check-ups and sat in the waiting room for Carter to come and get me if it was good news. I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t hear my son discussed in terms of numbers anymore. I couldn’t hear his progress be determined by brain scans and blood counts. He’s a person seriously affected by every fucking test they needed to run.”

“I know, baby.”

“Carter’s right. I’m still there. I’m still in that waiting room. Because my life is consumed with Jacob once being sick. That never leaves me, not even for a moment. I’m still the same wreck I was when I was forced to decide the kind of casket I wanted to bury him in. I’ll never be able to go back to that naivety. So yeah, you caught eyes with a hell of a catch three weeks ago, Em. Emotionally-stunted and stuck in the cycle of illness that comes with having a son in remission.”

“You’re so strong, Ali. Going through all of that and still finding a way to remain positive. I’m always sympathetic to patient’s parents, but I’ve never had it explained to me in that way. It’s emotional for me to think about you in that place, too. Because you have done such a great job of hiding that from me…”

“Self-preservation.”

“Thank you for your selflessness then. Being that open with me means that you understood that I might not be able to understand or empathize, but you did it anyway. It means the world to me, Ali.”

“I never meant to hide it from you though, Emily. I never wanted to hide it. I want you to know me more than I know myself sometimes. I want you to be able to look at me and see me. I don’t want the bullshit that happened this morning to ever happen with you. When I said I wanted to be yours, I meant every second of it.”

I believed her. I believed that she wanted nothing more than this moment. That someone hearing and listening and seeing and understanding her was all she ever craved in this world. I believed that she believed I was the person to give that to her. To provide and fill that need. But his story would haunt me. Her story would haunt me. Her pain and tears killed me inside and even though I had yet to lose a piece of myself to it, I wasn’t sure I could make it if I did.

“Do we need to discuss your reaction to this morning?” Alison whispered.

“In regard to?”

“Umm, well, you shouted at me and insinuated that I only use you as a prop. Where did that come from? You were supporting me and then a switch flipped for you too.”

I sighed, “You wouldn’t finish the conversation.”

“Church was about to start, Emily.”

“You were upset and angry, partially at me, and you were worried about church starting instead of figuring it out with me…”

“Is that something you need then? To finish conversations when tensions are raised?”

“I don’t want problems to linger. I didn’t want to spend 6 hours today wondering where we fully stood. Didn’t it make you feel uneasy?”

“Sure it did, but I love you too much to not solve it by the end of the day. Sometimes we can’t solve an entire problem or discussion in the moment, Em.”

“I disagree.”

“Okay. Well, I think I’m more comfortable with it because most of the big conversations of my life have been uneasy. Always on shaky ground with my parents and stuff, you know? How did your family solve issues?”

“Usually my Dad solved issues without us. It was just his way. But he is also insanely fair, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me. When my Dad was deployed or at training on other bases though, my Mom and I had to figure it out on our own. The easiest way to do that was methodically. I learned my order from my mother. Pros and cons lists. Breaking things down to the smallest of parts.”

“That’s good to know, love. That helps me.” She looked out the window, pensively working out what I had just said.

“So, I guess our behavior today was expected given our upbringings?”

“Seems like it and sounds like we need a new way. What would your preference be for a disagreement, Em?”

“To figure it out right then. To work out our issues so we can move forward without question. And your preference?”

“To cool off and walk away, if needed. In my house, we might never come back to it, but as an adult, it’s usually been to come back to it by the end of the day.”

“I guess keeping you in a car to work this out today is a good thing then…” I kissed the back of her hand, smiling.

She laughed, “I probably would’ve tried to escape the cancer conversation for sure. What’s a happy medium though?”

“You can have time to cool off.”

“Oh!” She fake gasped, “Thank you for that! We can settle things as soon as possible, how is that? So like today, we would’ve done exactly this. Make it through church and lunch and then talk about it as soon as we can.”

“But if we do that, no cool off. If there’s a long break between the breakdown and us talking, that break _is_ the cool off.”

“I don’t know if I can promise that, Emily. I’ll be honest.”

“Within reason then?” I let go of her hand to extend a pinky, “We discuss issues as soon as possible and at the latest by the time we go to bed, and cool offs are allowed within reason.”

She wrapped her finger around mine, “You got it. Love you.”

“Love you more.” Alison leaned against the console as I allowed my fingers to dance through her hair before I whispered, “We made it through our first fight…”

“We did. It was pretty easy to be honest. Is this what arguing with an adult is like?”

“Two mature ones, sure.”

“Okay…” She inhaled as if taking a breath for the first time in a while, “That’s what fights should be like.”

“Yeah, Ali. Fights shouldn’t actually be fights between two people who have the same end goal. My end goal is us.”

She nodded pensively, “Our end goal is us.”

* * *

We pulled up in my driveway less than an hour later, excitement radiating off of Alison as if this week was her own personal vacation. I was happy that she was so openly expressing how she felt and had found a way to at least temporarily move past reopening the old wound of Jacob’s cancer.

“Let me grab your suitcase. I have your first welcoming gift in my purse if you give me one second.”

Alison walked around to watch me open the truck and pull out all our luggage before I reached into the side pocket of my purse. “What are you looking for?”

“I didn’t expect to be half in the dark when we got home, but here. Can you go open the door for us?” I held a silver key between my thumb and index finger, smiling in the light shining from the trunk.

“You made me a key?” She flung her arms around my neck to kiss my cheek.

“Of course, I made you a key. You’re going to be working from here; I want you to have the ability to leave during the day without worrying about my home’s safety. Go on, babe. I’ll grab this stuff.”

I watched her relatively skip toward the front door and couldn’t help but stop and stare. With all that she carried on her shoulders, she still found a way to move forward. Whether it because she felt she needed to for the sake of others or if it was the innate strength I saw in her from the first time we met, I was enchanted by her. And she had no idea the effect she had. That was the most enchanting part.

I followed through the open door to find her already scouring the first floor for the little changes I had made. “You alright in here?”

“I’m typing the frame sizes into my phone so I can bring photos that will fit next time!”

“Well, I bought you some of your favorite foods and red wine to prepare. Could we go to the store together one night this week though? I’d like to see what you typically like to buy so I can have it for us.”

She looked over her shoulder, “I’d like that, Em.”

“Good! I made some adjustments to the patio as well…” My look lingered out the sliding glass door to cause Alison to head that way, “You mentioned last week randomly that you wished you could drink coffee out here in the mornings, so I went and bought some actual furniture.”

“Multiple chairs, a table, AND a sofa?” She extended her arm to pull me into her, “You are so thoughtful.”

“I just want you to be comfortable.” I kissed her tenderly, trying to extend my love through touch alone as she caressed the side of my face with her right hand.

“Any other surprises up your sleeve?”

“Other than the dresser and closet space? I added a desk to the corner of the guest bedroom for you to work at during the day. Want to see it?”

She nodded, causing me to lead her upstairs with our bags in tow. It was a simple desk that fit the modern design of the bedroom. Sleek. Dark wood. Metal siding.

Alison placed her arm around my waist as we stood in the doorway, “How did you do this all in one week, Emily? And why did you spend all this money? I could’ve worked on the couch or at the bar or even the dining room table.”

I placed my forehead against hers, “I think you forget that I’m a Doctor of Cancer Research who has only spent money on necessities and the purchase of this home over the past 5 months. It’s not a big deal. And Ikea furniture isn’t as hard to put together as people make it seem. You just have to buy pieces that aren’t filled with drawers and stuff.”

“You building Ikea furniture?” Her eyebrow piqued.

“Oh, you like that?”

“I love that.” She nipped at my lips.

“You should see me one night this week when I need to do yardwork then…”

“Tell me more.” Her finger circled on the nape of my neck as she listened with rapt attention.

“I usually wear an oversized t-shirt and some shorter shorts, nothing too fancy.” She knew I was holding back, “I have a few tattered hats that I wear backward to catch the sweat from my forehead without blocking my eyes. And in the sun, my skin gets even more bronzed. During the summer, if it gets too hot, you know, I might need to wipe my face off with the bottom of my shirt.”

“Mmm, that’s enough.” She whispered, kissing me softly. “I don’t want to overthink this.”

“I won’t let you overthink a thing, Ali. I’ve got you.”

I had her pressed against the door jamb before she could have another thought. Her right hand fell down the side of my hip and onto my upper thigh, sending chills straight down my spine as I pressed myself up against her smaller frame. I held my body just barely above hers trying to continue at her pace, “You alright?”

Her lips moved from mine as they danced down my jawline, kissing just above my breasts as she squeaked out the words, “Come here… fuck.”

She sighed while pulling me toward her gently, pressing our bodies flush against each other. I let out a gasp against her side as her arm wrapped around my waist. My hands reached for the hem of her top, mumbling against her lips, “This okay?”

She hummed against me in approval, placing one of her hands over mine to help lift her shirt over her head as I threw my own top behind me right after hers.

My eyes swept over Alison’s body explicitly for the first time, having avoided ogling the first time I saw her without a top, due to her being self-conscious. But as I took her in, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “You’re perfect, Ali.” I kissed against her neck as her fingers ran up my arms. She rolled her body into me as my lips found her pulse point.

Her nails traced down my torso, sending a moan from my lips despite attempting to press my mouth against Alison’s shoulder to prevent it. One hand inched its way up to the hook of my bra as she arched her neck back trying to escape my lips for momentary reprieve, “Let’s see if I can still do this swiftly.”

I laughed against her, delicately licking the spot I just worked on before kissing up her jaw to meet her lips, “I love you.” I whispered, capturing the corner of her mouth.

“I love you, too.” She assured as she unhooked my bra and allowed me to step back for it to fall to the floor. “How are _you_ feeling, Em? You okay?”

I shivered, pulling myself back into her, “I’m so fucking lucky…”

She captured my lips in hers, slowly sucking on my bottom lip as I faded into her, her hands beginning to further roam my torso. All I needed was the moan escaping from her lips to lose myself in her. Completely.

* * *

**A/N: Eep! This chapter always gets me. I love the little insights into Alison's life this chapter provides, especially because this story is entirely told from Emily's perspective. But these two are moving right along. Next chapter includes insight into Emily's work, and Emison's first official week living together :) Part 1 of it will be posted Sunday!**

**Also, if you've read all of my stories on this site and are looking for more, I am posting the first chapter to a new story I'm writing exclusively through my Patreon this week! I'm the same user name over there and all profits from it are going directly to medical bills I have accrued over the past year. There are 2 short stories and other fun writing I've done in the past already up! Go check it out if you're interested. Shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon for all of their support.**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	12. Well Enough Alone - Part 1

I didn't know that I could love her more. I hadn't realized that I had the space inside of me to contain exorbitant delight. That a space I had created years ago meant to keep people out had been broken down overnight. All I wanted was for her to be here. I never wanted to be without her again. To spend a night without her touch. To fall asleep without her wrapped around me and the feeling of her breathing against my back. To wake up out without her baby blues being the first thing that brought peace to my day.

I considered all of this and more waking up the next morning as we both longing stared at each other. My alarm had gone off half an hour earlier and yet, I had no intention of ever leaving her side. Alison lay on top of me beneath my comforter, her head resting on her arms relaxed across my chest while her body was draped between my legs. I cocked my head to the side for better eye contact as my fingers danced through her hair. Both her hair and makeup looked mildly unruly, but they were overtaken by the etch of a grin that lingered behind her lips. I relished in our silence. In the care we held for each other in the quiet of a muted Monday morning.

"When do you need to be at work?" She murmured, kissing just above my chest, her fingers tracing down the arm currently sorting through strands of her hair.

"By 9. But the sooner I get there, the sooner I can come home."

She used her right arm to prop herself up as she placed a kiss on my cheek tenderly, "Home..." She hummed in glee before rolling to my left to give me an opening to escape.

"I'm going to take a shower." I leaned to my side, pressing another peck on her forehead, "On most occasions that would be considered an invite, but after last night, I think you would be a little more distracting than helpful."

"Next time then." Our eyes locked once more as she smiled broadly.

"Next time... I love you."

Alison's hand fell against the side of my face as she lifted herself for our lips to meet once more. She was delicate yet passionate in all the right ways. It sent a shiver through my spine without intent. "Love you, Em."

I slipped out of bed, looking over my shoulder to watch the way she looked at me just one more time. There was something powerful about the experience of seeing yourself through the eyes of another. The moment when you realize that the person in front of you knows and believes in an entirely different person than you internally face. Alison saw me with a simplicity I didn't have the pleasure of extending to myself. She looked at me without the shame or the guilt I carried from every choice I had made throughout my life leading me here. She looked at me endearingly and without fault. The way she looked at me made me want to be worth her stare. Worth her time. Worth _her_.

After my shower, I faded into my closet to browse clothing options for the day. But it was impossible for my mind not to wander. The water droplets cascading down my back mimicked the ripple effect of Alison's fingers dancing down my curves the night before. The heat still palpable on my skin echoed her breath against me as she lingered delicately over the new-found discovery of my body. Despite the smell of soap, Alison's vanilla-laced aroma hidden in the curve of her neck still haunted my nostrils. I quivered as my fingertips traced the bottoms of the fabrics in front of me. I no longer had control over my thoughts. My every thought was her.

I selected a tailored black and white pin-striped suit for the day, knowing that Dr. Onyeke and I were meeting with executives to cover our progress over the first quarter of our first year together. Walking into the bedroom, I found that Alison had fallen asleep again, lying on her stomach as her porcelain skin glowed in the light shining through the window. I drifted downstairs to start some coffee for the day before setting out some breakfast options I had purchased for Alison to search through when she officially woke up. Sneaking upstairs, I opted for some simple makeup and straightened my hair, knowing that post-presentation it would go right up into a ponytail.

"Hey, sleepy head." I whispered, tucking part of her bangs behind her visible ear as I sat on the edge of the bed near her waist. Her face barely moved, making me unsure if she was fully awake or not. "I brewed some coffee for you downstairs and set out the vanilla syrup if you wanted to make your favorite latte." She smiled at my thoughtfulness, eyes still closed, "There's breakfast set out for you too if you want it."

"You're too good to me, babe." She murmured, lifting her hand up to my face as her eyes opened.

I kissed her temple in reply, "There's no such thing as being too good to you... I'll see you tonight, okay?"

Alison's eyes slowly started adjusting to my done up face as she rolled over onto her back, "Holy shit, you're stunning."

I laughed into my lapel, "You surprised?"

"No, not at all. But you were just here – with your hair –"

"It's just straightened! No need to panic." I smiled, connecting our hands. "I do need to go though. You have all the WiFi info and other stuff you need for your job, right?"

"I think so... We didn't really have time to go over that last night though." She smiled, tracing circles into my wrist with her index finger.

"If you have any questions, text me before 9 or after 10:30."

"Mm-kay. I love you." She propped herself on her elbow remaining underneath the covers as she kept speaking, "You're going to kick ass in your meeting today, by the way."

"Thank you. Good luck kiss for the road?" I asked, leaning toward her.

Despite it being brief, she found a way to slip in her tongue and caress my cheek with her palm. I pulled away with what I could only imagine was a cheesy as hell smile.

"You don't need luck, baby. Also, you're rocking the fuck out of that suit."

"It's cute?" I stood, spinning around to model.

"It's hot as hell. I love it."

"Thanks, Ali. Love you. See you tonight." I kissed her once more before heading downstairs for work.

* * *

Executive boards were more than terrifying. Usually consisting of old, white men, they stared and expected more of me than any of my male counterparts. They never said that, but it was conveyed through their eyes alone. Though moving to Baltimore officially only 4 months prior, Emmanuel and I had been working on this project and with the executive board since the second week of January. Dr. Huang and Emmanuel had worked together for years prior to him meeting me in Austin. From long-distance, Dr. Onyeke and I had written a detailed proposal for the executive board regarding our study. My employment was contingent on our proposal being accepted and funded, so trips back and forth to Baltimore soon became second nature. I worked incredibly hard to sell my experience and knowledge and not my looks or my body. But our first meeting with the board began and ended with them only speaking to Emmanuel. Every question. Every follow-up. They looked to him and expected me to fade in the background. So they were surprised when only I showed up to our second meeting in March.

"Dr. Onyeke wasn't able to make it today?"

"Oh, he's upstairs. We both decided that for the sake of the project, you all need to have faith in the both of us to execute, not just Dr. Onyeke."

The four of them exchanged cautious looks, as I inhaled deeply waiting for further rebuttal. "Remind me of your – " one of them began before I interrupted.

"Dr. Emily Fields, Ph.D. in Experimental Pathology from UT Austin studying under Dr. Albert Huang for my senior thesis on metastasis and bacterial resistance in cancer cells. My titles shouldn't actually matter though. Who I previously worked with shouldn't really matter. I say those names and those titles, so that maybe I can be deemed worthy enough for you to remember my name. So, I'll repeat it. Dr. Emily Fields." My voice paused briefly over the word Doctor. With that, I removed my jacket to rest on the chair at the far end of the table from them. I consciously wore a dress this time, ensured that my shoulders and chest were covered sufficiently and hoped my legs were shown off just enough to sell the words I was speaking as well.

"So, Emily, why don't you – "

" – Dr. Fields." I interjected again.

He exhaled, "Dr. Fields, why don't you walk us through the updates you and Dr. Onyeke made after your initial proposal."

"I'd love to. Last presentation, we provided the scientific background toward our inquiry. We broke down the science behind genetic mutation in cancer and the fact that with new processes that their actual DNA can be extracted from tumors. Today though, Dr. Onyeke and I would like to impress upon you the patients we would like to work with. I'm unsure about the motivations you share toward this hospital or the impact you wish you have among the patients who enter these doors. But Dr. Onyeke and I both entered the field, not for the science, but because of the people it impacts. Through this presentation, I implore you all to – "

By May, Emmanuel and I had won the grant. I dropped the skimpy dresses and pleasing smiles. I moved from monthly stipend to full-time salary. And all of that brought us to today. With me in a pant suit and Emmanuel eying me from the side outside of the conference room.

"What's with the suit, Fields?" He chuckled, adjusting the cuffs of his jacket.

"I didn't like the way the guy with a unibrow looked at me last time..." I shuttered, ensuring the tailoring of my suit didn't show anything.

"Is it really too much to ask to refer to them by name?"

"Depends. Last time, they refused to acknowledge mine once again, so I owe them nothing outside of that conference room."

"Emily, I get that this process has been taxing on – "

"No, Emmanuel. Getting my fucking credentials was taxing. This is borderline insulting. If I didn't think it would jeopardize our funding or my place in this organization, you would've found me in HR long before now."

"You're right. I'm sorry. If I ever make you feel a similar way, I hope you know that you can talk to me."

"Emmanuel, you have nothing to worry about. Is what we discussed earlier still good with you to propose?" He nodded as I snapped my head to the left as the door opened next to us. I immediately chuckled, looking back at Emmanuel while pointing because at the door was the first woman I had seen in these meetings in the past 10 months.

"Dr. Fields. Dr. Onyeke. We're ready for you." She gestured, holding the door open for us both. My name. First. I was unsure if this was a ploy on their behalf or her genuine effort, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

I waited inside as the door closed before tucking my hair over one shoulder and extending my hand, "I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting. Dr. Emily Fields, Pathology and Mutation. Nice to meet you."

"Kimberly McClintock, the new COO of Johns Hopkins Physicians. It's great to finally put a face to a name, Dr. Fields. Please come in."

I made my way around the table shaking each of their hands, "Dr. Efron. Dr. Wilde. Dr. Haynes. Mr. Carrigan. Good to see you all." I made note of those who used my title, those who simply nodded, and those who avoided eye contact altogether. Dr. Efron. His name I could say outside of these walls. The rest continued to be a simple shrug in my book.

We both took our seats at the end of the table as Emmanuel pulled our briefings out of his satchel before passing them down to the rest of the executives. He waited until Kimberly took her seat and then started speaking, "We are looking forward to updating you on our progress through the 1st quarter. As well as propose a few changes to staffing and scheduling needs on our behalf with the expectation of negotiation and compromise. But Dr. Fields is going to cover the discoveries we have already started making in these first 13 weeks."

"If you all could open to the first page, you will find a detailed Table of Contents outlining the areas within this briefing that you can find progress, results, as well as directly cited sources to the theories we are continuing to process through and confirm. On Page 3, there is a summary of our study thus far that you may share with colleagues unable to be here today. Our contact information is at the bottom of the page should you have any questions following our meeting today. The next page details our participants and their – "

Emmanuel and I continued proceeding through our briefing over the next 90 minutes and after having all our proposed changes accepted without much fight, we left the meeting on a pretty big high while walking toward the cafeteria for an early lunch.

"I knew they'd be impressed, Em." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me into him like a big brother, tucking my head into his shoulder. "You're fucking killing it."

"We're fucking killing it! I'm so happy they were able to see the small progress we are making despite being so early in the process, you know? I was worried that they would be expecting more."

"This is a 10 year, multi-million dollar project. They just want to know their investment is showing early dividends. They don't need us showing the re-invention of the wheel altogether yet."

I felt my phone buzzing on my inner pocket lining as I checked the time '10:48'. It was probably Alison following instructions to a tee. "One sec. It's Ali." Emmanuel gave me an eye before pausing by a table to set his satchel down at, giving me permission to answer. "Hi, sweetheart. Were you able to figure out the WiFi and everything?"

"We're up and moving, babe." She replied, "You said not to call or text until after 10:30. How did it go?"

"It went well. Really well. We got some proposals through that I can't wait to tell you about when I get home."

"Oh, I'm so happy to hear it. I was sending prayers for your nerves your way all morning."

That made me smile. I had quickly forgotten over the years how crucial the little day to day considerations for your partner were in the grand scheme of a relationship. She wasn't just praying for me. She felt my nerves sitting by her side this morning. She knew that despite my focus on taking care of her this morning that it was a diversion for my own anxiety.

"Thank you for that. I'm grabbing lunch with Emmanuel as we speak, and then, I'll be in the lab all afternoon. You okay with this sufficing as our usual lunch chat?"

"Whatever gets you home to me faster..." She laughed, and I knew was teasing me intentionally, "Emmanuel's right there isn't he?"

"Sure is. I miss you too."

"I don't just miss _you_ , Emily. I miss your – "

"Yep. Yep." I ushered in quickly, slightly turning my body from Emmanuel to hide my embarrassment, "Okay, I should be home no later than 6. Is that alright?"

Alison laughed hysterically on the other end of our call as though she could feel my blushing through the phone, "That's perfect. I'll have dinner ready around then, beautiful. Love you."

"You too, Alison." I hung up the phone, placing it back in my pocket before attempting to act casual. "Thanks for that pause."

He nodded, leaving his bag to save our spot as we went through the cafeteria line, "I remember that look well, Fields. Don't worry about it."

"What look?" I glanced over my shoulder.

"Puppy love." Silence fell between us before he began speaking again. "She makes you better. I mean, I've only met her twice. And she has taken you away from the job on a few occasions... But I'm talking about you, what makes you, you. She makes that better."

"Was I intolerable the first three months or something?"

"Intolerable? That's too heavy-handed. Obsessed with perfection? Overbearing? A hard ass? Yes. With all the hours you've put in since June, I was more than happy to have you slack off this past month. We're probably almost even in terms of hours by now." He laughed as I tried to not take what he said too seriously.

"A hard ass? Really?"

"I know you're here trying to prove yourself. To the board, especially, but _you_ are all the proof they need. The work you do is exceptional. The emotional road block you put up in the lab isn't needed for that to continue being so. That's why I was happy to propose what you suggested to me this morning. You need to get into the emotion of this study."

"You're right." I sighed, scanning my badge at the end of line while making my way back to our table. "You know, Alison told me about Jacob's cancer yesterday."

"I completely forgot to ask how this weekend went! You're still in one piece! That's good."

"It was a lot. Emotionally taxing for sure. I was happy we tackled our presentation this morning so heavily last week. I loved having afternoons off from the lab to really get down to the nitty gritty of all we've done so far."

He shook his head, taking a bite of mac and cheese, "Tell me. How did a question about your personal life end with you discussing work again?"

"Fuck." I mumbled. "Let me go backward. It went well. I met the ex, the son, the parents, the brother, the sister in law, the ex in-laws. It was busy as hell. We had our first fight. We sorted it out... we – " I paused after hearing me say the words 'sorted it out', smiling as I picked up my water wishing I had let Alison continue discussing what she missed about me on the phone 10 minutes earlier.

"So, still in love then?"

"More so." I shrugged, letting those words sink in, "If that's possible."

"I fall more in love with Dom every single day, Emily. And we've been together since Med School."

"Does it help that she also works medicine?"

"When I'm stressed and need a soundboard, yes. When I'm ready for the day to be done and she's still haunted by her day in the ER, it's hard to be there for her."

"I bet it's even harder as a nurse in the ER. The constant stress of that... I wouldn't want it."

"That's why I was so happy that I convinced her to take long-term leave through the pregnancy. She needed these past 8 months to decompress."

"December 5th, right?" I asked regarding her due date, as he nodded in reply, "You're gonna be a great dad, Onyeke."

"Thanks, Fields. Speaking of parenting, you did mention Jacob earlier. How did that go?"

"It's fucking hard, but he's a great kid. I can tell he carries a lot though. I don't know if Alison can see all that I can."

He set down his fork to listen, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, you know, we _get_ cancer, right? We've seen it first hand and know the devastation on a molecular level. And hearing Alison talk yesterday, she understands it, but through the lens of how it affected her son, not through the impact the aftermath has. Jacob's fantastic. He's loving and endearing and confident and oh so, brave. But he hates attention. I saw it at church yesterday. Everyone kind of swarmed him with questions, and I saw him trying to crawl up his father's shoulder. And not out of shyness but because I think attention to him means something's wrong. He's a little boy who dealt and fought with something that not even all adults can face. He carries that. I can feel it."

"Then it's good you're there, Emily. Kids aren't that complicated. They want to be seen and heard and loved. You may be able to see him better than anyone else can. Focus on that."

"Thanks... I feel fortunate to call you my friend." I smiled, standing up to throw our trash away.

"We friends now, Fields? Look at that hard ass becoming a fucking softie!" He held onto my elbow as I tried to walk away. "Bring it in!" I laughed as he enveloped me between his broad shoulders and 6 foot 5 frame. He was right. Alison had made me soft. I had melted in her presence and never wanted to go back.

* * *

She was blasting music as I walked through the door at 6:10. I couldn't see her from the kitchen, but the smell of enchiladas hit my nose the moment I crossed the threshold bringing a smile to my face. I leaned backward to ring the doorbell before walking in so that I wouldn't completely scare the shit out of her. Just the top of her head peeked around the corner before she quickly ran to the sink to rinse off her hands and pause her soundtrack.

"Oh, no. Please keep going. Don't let me stop whatever this is." I leaned against the wall between the two rooms waiting for her to dry her hands off before skipping lightly toward me.

"Hi." She rested her hands on my chest and stared deeply into my eyes.

I leaned in, tracing my nose against her neck before placing a light kiss just below her ear. "Hi back. How did your day go?"

"Really well!" She assured, walking away from me and back toward dinner, "I took this afternoon off and went to the grocery store. I know you said that you wanted us to go together, but I left a detailed list on the fridge of everything I purchased and put some additional stuff on there that I get as treats." She pointed behind her at the multi-page document on the fridge. "But before I went, I saw your cute recipe holder by the oven over there and thumbed through to find recipe that looked like something from home. This enchilada recipe had a star in the corner and wasn't in your handwriting, so I figured it might be your mom's. I hope I'm doing alright. I've never made enchiladas this way..."

I watched as she dipped tortillas one by one into my mother's homemade red sauce before filling them with carnitas and folding them into the tray. She looked shyly over her shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her waist, rocking her back and forth against me, peppering her shoulder with kiss after kiss.

"You. Are. The. Fucking. Cutest. Human. Being. In. The. Entire. World." She leaned her head back, placing a kiss on my cheek in silent reply. "It looks perfect, Ali. You didn't have to do all of this though."

"I know, but we have 2 or 3 nights together max this week. I didn't want to waste one night at the store. And you had your meeting today. You deserved to come home to a good meal."

"Well, you're spoiling me. Thank you though, babe."

"Of course. You spoiled me with all of the little things you did around here to make me feel welcome. Consider this my 'thank you.' I did fuck up on the time a bit though because I didn't take into account how many steps would be in this recipe. Dinner should be ready by 7."

I let my fingers trace slowly along her waist as I walked back to the fridge to look over the list she left for me, "Sounds perfect. We'll have a good 40 minutes to talk while those cook. I'll be on the couch looking over your list 'til then, okay?"

"Be right there."

Her simple yet endearing reply caused me to walk back over to her sweetly. Placing my thumb under her chin, I turned her face toward me to give her a lingering kiss. It screamed 'I love you' without those words leaving either of our mouths. Once I reached the couch, I began scanning the list for all its intricacies.

· Grapes (Green only; half in fridge, half in freezer for a snack)

· Milk (Whole by preference, but definitely NO SKIM)

· Bread (Good quality, no whole wheat unless specified)

· Sliced Honey Ham

· Pepper jack Cheese

· Dijon Mustard (The 4 above ingredients are my ideal sandwich. Preferably with pickle spears and salty chips on the side. No vinegar chips though. Yuck.)

I smirked reading through the variety of detail she left behind for me. It was like getting to know her through her writing, which I loved. She was still funny on paper. She was still charming. I could already imagine a scenario next week that I would sit in this exact spot and read through her words just to feel close to her again. Maybe through the words, I wouldn't miss her so much. Anticipating the loss of her next week when she was feet away now was a new low. I smiled sheepishly at my thought as her voice interrupted me.

"What'chu thinking about over here?" She asked, tucking herself into my lap as she wrapped my right arm around her waist.

I readjusted myself into the corner cushion of the couch so that Alison could more easily lay against me. I set the list down to my left to wrap her further in my arms, "It's stupid, but I'm missing you already."

"Emmy..." She sighed, leaning her head back to place a kiss on my neck.

I moved my shoulders to the left to look at her as her head remained against me, "My mom calls me that." I said it nostalgically, like a memory. "Want to call them tonight? Maybe after you tuck Jacob in?"

"We can." She smiled, "Here I was thinking I had invented a new nickname or something."

"There's not much you can do with Emily. I noticed this weekend that Carter calls you 'Al' from time to time."

"He's the only one that ever has. At this point, it's endearing."

"So, it's off-limits for me?" I kissed her forehead, loving the ease of us discussing her ex openly. It had always been this way, but I knew we were fortunate. I could feel our good fortune palpably between us.

She looked up to her left before nodding, "That'd probably be for the best."

"I understand. Some things will always just be yours." I said contentedly.

Alison allowed her right hand to trace up my side, slipping her thumb underneath the white camisole beneath my suit, "How about this? Past the name 'Al', nothing else is off-limits for you..." She smirked, placing a kiss against my clothed chest.

"I like the sound of that, but we do have all evening." I sat up, adjusting our spots so that we both were facing each other, our hands still connected between us. "And I wanted to talk to you about something. I mentioned on the phone that we got some proposals through the board today. You remember that?" She nodded, looking concerned, "No, baby. Smile for me while I say this. On top of reconfirming our funding, they approved Emmanuel and I switching up our roles a little bit."

Her head tilted to the right, "What do you mean?"

"I texted him last night after you told me all about Jacob and everything. And... well, I'm going to try to get through this without tearing up. But, as you were lying next to me last night, I realized that there was something more we could be doing with our participants. You said that the doctors discussed Jacob in terms of numbers. That his progress wasn't just brain scans and blood counts. You said that you had trusted him with strangers. That no one cared about him like you did or knew him like you did." I gulped, "I don't want to be that kind of doctor, Ali. But that's how we've been treating these participants."

"What are you trying to say?" She drew hearts absentmindedly on the back of my hand. My eyes flitted toward our laps as I wondered if she even noticed how her love for me escaped her without trying.

"Currently Dr. Onyeke and I split our time about 75% labs, 25% participants, hence us splitting Saturdays and everything. Emmanuel agreed for me to fully take on the patient-side of our trial. So the Saturdays you have Jacob, I'll be working and can come to Philadelphia Saturday nights to be ready for church the next day. It means less hours during the weeks you're here because I will have worked the Saturday before. But it also means that I can get to know these people, Alison. I can make sure that they know we care. They're more than a blood count or a skin biopsy or a brain scan. So, I'll be 50% labs, 50% participants now..."

"I love you." Alison continued holding onto my hand as I brought them up to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"I love you, too. But one more thing, we also petitioned for excess funds as well. Specifically to provide therapy for our participants. Neither Emmanuel or I thought about the potential stress that may come with reentering the hospital, going through similar procedures month after month. So, we're going to extend the offer of weekly therapy throughout their time in the study."

"Emily..." Her voice cracked as she nearly jumped me from excitement, making quick work of my lap to straddle me on the other side of the couch. She leaned backward, staring into my eyes, "Thank you. For every person who doesn't tell you how much this means. For listening to me. For being the kind of doctor every parent wishes their child had."

"I should be thanking you, baby. You inspired it all."

Not that I had been anticipating a kiss, but I was more surprised that Alison didn't move to kiss me at all. Instead, she held my face in her hands and with her thumbs traced over each of my features delicately as if appreciating each wrinkle. Every line I had earned while stressed or sad or endlessly happy. As if through those lines she was capturing my spirit, my penchants to put others first beyond all else. Her thumb delicately outlined my nose, my jawline, my eyebrows, my chin, my lips. And she just stared. Her blue eyes filling with tears off and on as rampant thoughts filled her head. I was mesmerized by her and her actions. We stayed like that silently in wonder of each other until the alarm for dinner went off some number of minutes later. And with that, she placed a lengthy kiss to the left side of my lips, whispered 'thank you', and walked into the kitchen without another word about it.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you to everyone loving this story so far. I love seeing your comments, messages, and also a string of votes coming in from someone reading these chapters all in one go! You guys are the best. Part 2 of this chapter will be up Thursday!**

**Also, if you've read all of my stories on this site and are looking for more, the first chapter of _Promise Me Tomorrow,_ a new story that I'm writing exclusively through my Patreon has now been released! I'm the same user name over there and all profits from it are going directly to medical bills I have accrued over the past year. There are 2 short stories and other fun writing I've done in the past already up! Go check it out if you're interested. Shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon for all of their support.**

**_Brief Synopsis:_ _Promise Me Tomorrow_ follows a series of snapshots in a Will They? Won't They? relationship from the childhood into adulthood. Watch as life and individual circumstance stand in the way time and time again despite potentially needing the other the most. Chapters based on titles of songs leading to each chapters inspiration.**

**_Promise Me Tomorrow_ will forever only be available through Patreon, though I will continue posting chapters of KCU and other fanfiction based stories here always! If interested, you can find me on the site under secretpen28. Thank you for everyone who even checks out the page, it means a lot.**

**As always, Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**Until next time,**

**secretpen28**


	13. Well Enough Alone - Part 2

I was cleaning up our dishes when I heard Alison’s Facetime ringer knowing it must be Jacob’s bedtime. Alison shot down the stairs moments later as she was checking her email upstairs. The joy that exuded from her around him warmed my soul. I hoped that Jacob could feel how much his mother loved him. That at no point in time did he feel less than. That all he ever knew was her pride.

After finishing up a few minutes later, I rushed upstairs to officially change into pajamas to match Alison. I washed off my makeup feeling like myself again as the small pimples and bags under my eyes returned. It made me feel lighter. Knowing that I wasn’t hiding myself or putting on a show for others. That for her, I was helplessly and irrevocably me.

She was curled in a ball on my couch speaking to him, her left hand tucked beneath her chin as she stared at him in awe. Jacob was talking wildly about his day as she pieced together his frequently unintelligible words between his animated expressions. From the other side of the phone, I mouthed if I could join. Alison sat up, patting the spot next to her before placing her arm around my shoulder.

“ – but he vited me to his houth. Hi Emlee.” I waved as he continued, “Dis weekend. Daddy said to athk you.”

“Hey Em.” Carter interjected, “I know you know his parents better. Just wanted to make sure it would be cool with you if he went.”

“Did you get your sticker today, Jake?” She asked, winking the moment Jacob turned from the screen.

“I talk too much.”

“Okay, Bug. Let’s do better tomorrow then. But you need to get your stickers the rest of this week to go to the sleepover. Do you understand?”

“Aw of dem?”

“All of them.” Carter stated, rubbing the top of his head, “You’ve done it so many times before. It’s not going to be a big deal.” He nodded, cuddling further into his dad’s shoulder. “Didn’t you have a question for Emily? You were telling me on the way home?”

“What’s up?” I sat up, resting my chin in my palm to display further interest.

“We do maf dis week?” He phrased it as a question but felt more like a statement.

I looked at Alison as she rested her chin on my shoulder to speak to the side, “He wants to do his math with you. Most likely tomorrow. He can’t really say it well, so he avoids it.”

“Of course! Is it for your homework packet this week?”

“Deres ten pwoblems for us.”

“Oh, we can do ten problems in no time! Can’t we?” He nodded excitedly. “How about we have a night of the week each week that’s our math night? I’ll make sure to come home early just so I can help you. How’s that sound?”

“I wike dat.”

“Good. Do you have a day you want? Or should your Mommy and Daddy choose for us?”

“Mommy and Daddy!”

“See? That’s what I thought too. Guys?” I offered up to the group.

“Every other Thursday is in-house speech with you, right Car?”

“Yep. So we don’t mess up this week at all, Al, how about we do Tuesdays? Then he has something every other day of the week?” Carter asked as Alison turned toward me to make the final decision.

“Tuesdays sounds great. What time do you need me home to get on Skype or whatever?”

“We’re usually done with dinner over here by 6. That gives you time to get home without having to be here right when he gets out of school, you know?”

“Hear that, Jacob? We’re going to work on Math tomorrow at 6. Sound good?”

He smiled with all of his teeth as Alison wrapped up for the night, “Baby? We talked so much about your fun sleepover this weekend that we didn’t get a chance for a goodnight book. Can we do it first thing tomorrow night?”

“Okay, I keep it here. See you for maf, Emlee! Love you Mommy.”

“Night, sweet boy. I love you.”

“Bye guys!” Carter ended the call, waving off for the both of them.

Alison fell into my lap as my hand settled on her waist without thought, “I told you that he wouldn’t hold the bowling ball thing against you.”

“I was seriously worried. I guess my math skills at ice cream paid off just a little bit more?”

“Looks like it. He really struggles with it.”

I sighed, sliding the tips of my fingers under the waistband of her yoga pants near her ass. “Well, if the location of his scar has anything to do with where his tumor was, which I’m going to assume does, then he’s most likely is struggling due to damage to his parietal lobe.”

“Pa- huh? What does that do?”

“Parietal. It mostly impacts the senses and their nerve endings, but a lot of recent research indicates it’s a key part of calculation.”

“No shit.” She muttered, rotating her body to look up at me from my lap.

“Seriously, that and being able to understand the representation of numbers. For example, on Saturday, he was able to process the word problem when I showed it on my hands and had him count. I’d have to test it out, but most likely, he couldn’t do that as easily on his own hands. And he may still struggle with it now, but if you asked him to hold up six fingers, he probably couldn’t do it automatically.”

“He counts one by one… fuck. This is the cancer?”

“I mean, an effect of it probably.” My fingers traced along the bulk fabric of her t-shirt now as we spoke, her hand resting in the crook of my elbow. “Look. I’m not a professional in brain activity by any means, Ali. But let me work with him the next few weeks and maybe we can make some sort of link. Let me do some more research before you start stressing out.” She was looking at my abdomen instead of my eyes, already drifting, “Hey, let me take this on. Not you. If I sent over a Consent for Disclosure tomorrow, would you be willing to give me access to his records? I’d need to see past and recent brain scans.”

“Yeah, of course. Whatever you need.” Distant.

“Sweetheart…” I rested my hand on her cheek to move her focus back up to me, “Be here. I’ve got this for now. Don’t let your mind wander. Come on. We said that we’d call my parents. How about that? Can I take your mind off of it? Let me take your mind off of it.”

Alison cautiously sat up and waved both of her hands silently in a pattern meaning for me to scoot back into my corner. I settled into it, letting my legs drift to the right as she leaned into my side. She held my right hand between hers and traced the life lines in my palm aimlessly.

“Can you talk to me, Alison? Your feelings matter to me, love.”

“I feel responsible.” Her head fell back against my shoulder as she laced her fingers in mine on either side of my hand. “All of our decisions for treatment came from me. I feel responsible for anything he lost.”

“But if it saved his life, a speech impairment and some math difficulties seem like the least of our worries. Right?”

She kissed my palm, before turning her head, “You said ‘our.’”

It had been a slip of the tongue. A simple removal of a letter making your become our. A deletion that on a deeper level meant so much more than the absence of a y. It was an indication that I was taking ownership of Jacob’s care and well-being. That since meeting him, I could no longer be a bystander. That he was worth stepping in for. And whether I had acknowledged it before then or not, sitting in front of Alison, I knew that I had said exactly the word I had intended to say.

“Of course it’s our. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You love him already don’t you?”

I settled my arms around her waist, “Loving you is loving him. Trust me with this piece, okay? I’ll report back to both you and Carter.”

“Me first?” She smirked, already bringing me in for a kiss.

“Always you first.”

I held my lips hesitantly above hers letting the tension build between us before she lifted herself enough for her tongue to graze my lower lip. My left hand trailed up her top as my right wrapped around her to hold the opposite side of her face. She groaned at the feeling of my hands on her again as if craving them since I last let go. I felt her neck go slack in my hand allowing me to bring her closer to me, gently sucking her tongue which was still lingering in my mouth. We parted gently as she nipped at my bottom lip with her teeth, constantly teasing.

My thumb traced just below her breasts as I spoke, “I would have my way with you on this couch right now, but we promised to call my parents.”

“They don’t even know we were going to call though…” Her left hand copied mine, linking our fingers underneath her shirt.

I sighed, placing my forehead against hers, “I texted them, so they wouldn’t be surprised. My dad’s not good with surprises.”

“So I shouldn’t tell them we’re pregnant?” She asked coyly as I let go of the back of her neck to scoff.

“There’s a chance they’d believe it for a hot second before realizing, so please don’t.” She laughed into my neck, kissing it softly as I held up my phone to give them a call. “No…” I paused as she continued, giving in to her touch for a brief moment, “No, Ali. No neck kisses. Please.”

She traced her bottom teeth up the side of my neck instead, smiling against my skin as I shuttered, before pulling away, “Okay, I’ll be good. But you also have to pull your hand out from underneath my shirt, babe.”

“Fine.” I grumbled, removing my hand and kissing her sweetly before allowing ourselves to reorganize. “You ready?” Alison flattened her hair and bit her bottom lip to give it some color. “You look beautiful. I meant are you ready emotionally?”

“Oh yeah.” She shook out her arms, “You met an entire football team of my family this weekend. This is nothing.” But her extended left hand told a different story as she connected our palms back together. She was shaking and her hand felt slightly sweaty.

I kissed her forehead right as my parents picked up. My parents answered the phone on their back porch as they waved wildly. “Oh, perfect timing, Emmy. Your dad and I just sat down out here. Hi, you two.”

“Hey!” We both replied as Alison and I made eye contact for me to continue, “Mom and Dad, this is my girlfriend, Alison.”

“I’m Pam, and this is Wayne. You know, Emmy sent us photos. But I was talking to my girlfriend at lunch today, and I couldn’t find a photo of the two of you anywhere on social media to show off.”

She nodded, replying simultaneously, “Hi. It’s nice to meet you both. It’s rare that this one even posts on social media, and mine is usually just filled of photos of my son. But I think we can take a good selfie to send your way if you need one, Pam.”

“Oh, I would just love that. Emily mentioned that she’d be meeting your son this weekend. Did that still happen?”

“It did. She met the whole family, actually. My parents, my brother and his wife, my ex, my exes parents. All in one go.”

“You make it out without a scratch there, Tiger?” My dad announced in his booming voice behind my mother.

Alison tightened her grip on my hand as I replied, “Sure did, Pops. It went well.”

“So uh, Alison?” He continued, lightly interrupting me due to his hearing loss in the field.

“Yes, sir?”

“We’re coming into town in a few weeks. Will we be able to meet you in person?”

“For Emily’s birthday. Yes, I would love to.”

“Thank you for mentioning it, Wayne.” She looked over her shoulder, “I know you have an arrangement with your ex. We’re trying to figure out what days to come in but don’t want to take you away from your son at all. Would it be better for us to come in the Wednesday through Sunday before or after Emily’s birthday?”

“Give me one second.” She leaned forward, pulling her phone out from in between the cushion between us to open up her calendar, before cascading back against me. My hand fell over her shoulder casually. She turned to kiss one of my fingers prior to speaking, “I don’t have Jacob the weekend before. I’m already going to work out plans with Carter, so I can take her out on the 19th. So, if you guys could come the 13th through the 17th, that would be great.”

“Consider it done, then.” My mom answered, smiling widely, “Help me out here, sweetheart. Who is who? Emily hasn’t really told us names.”

I kissed the side of her head, “I keep it brief when discussing them.”

“You’re fine, baby.” She whispered, “Jacob is my son; he’s 7. Carter is my ex-husband. Feel free to ask me any questions about them you’d like. I don’t know all of what Emily had told you, but I’m sure that there is some hesitancy with your daughter dating me. My life is a lot for someone to take on.”

“There’s no hesitancy with us here, Alison. We trust our daughter’s judgment. Even with Emily’s last girlfriend,” Pam paused, glancing at me to nod for her approval to continue, “She was lovely. Really became a part of the family.”

My dad raised his hand, “That would be my only hesitancy, if we’re being honest here.”

Alison chuckled as I spoke for us, “We love honesty over here, Dad.”

“Great. Like Pam was saying, Ash was a great girl but you two dated for so long, Emmy, that everything that happened at the end really blindsided us.”

“She blindsided us all, Dad.” I sighed as Alison reached up to hold my hand over her shoulder. “But that was also nearly half a decade ago, I would hope that we’ve all moved past it.”

“No, we have, Emily. We’re more than willing to open our arms to Alison the same way.”

“Thanks, Dad.” I grumbled, wondering the point of him bringing her up at all. To be honest, it hard for me to even hear him say her name. The resentment I held. The contempt. If I thought about it too hard, it lit a fire inside me all over again. Simply her name fanned the flames.

My mother, quickly interrupted the awkwardness that settled over the conversation, “I must say that you two together make quite the attractive pair. And Emmy, you can’t stop smiling.”

I immediately blushed behind Alison, put her hand on my right cheek as she looked back at me. “Your daughter makes me insanely happy, Mr. and Mrs. Fields. You know, I actually tried to make your enchilada recipe tonight, Pam.”

“Tried to?” My dad asked from around my mother’s shoulder again.

“She did really well, guys. Don’t let her make you think otherwise! She hasn’t ever cooked traditional Mexican food before though so … well, wait. Babe, you can tell the story.”

Alison adjusted herself, so her right hand fell to the inside of my thigh, “So Pam, I found your recipe in Emily’s card holder today. I wrote down all of the ingredients and Ubered to the store. But tonight when Em took her first bite, she mentioned it being sweet.”

“Well, a little bit of sugar does go in to the carnitas. Did you add too much, sweetie?”

“No ma’am. I added the right amount. She more so mentioned that it was sweet but not spicy enough so she had me run through the ingredients in the meat. And I accidently bought green onions instead of green chilies. Apparently that’s a big deal.”

My mom and dad started laughing as Alison tried to fully understand why it was so funny as I kissed her temple endearingly.

“I tried to explain it to her, guys. She asked where in the produce section should could’ve found them.” Their laughs continued over the speaker as Alison started smirking.

“I don’t think I’ve ever even been in the ethnic food aisle before, Em…”

“I’ll help you next time. Don’t worry; it’s cute.”

“It’s very cute, Alison.” My mom reassured as her laugh began to settle down. “The sauce is what is most important. How did that go?”

“The sauce was perfect, Mom.”

“See, Alison? You’re over 80 percent there.”

“Maybe I can have it perfected by the time you two come into town.”

“Sounds great. If you cook that one night, I’ll cook Kare Kare from scratch another night.”

“Pam, she might not – “

“I’ll explain it to her and let her decide ahead of time. How does that sound?” I interjected. “We actually got off the phone with Jacob and Carter a few minutes ago, and it’s nearly 9 here. Can we call you when I’m in Philadelphia this weekend?”

“Sure, Emmy. Alison, it was so great to meet you. We’ll have to do something just us two when we come into town. Would that be alright?”

“That sounds great, Pam. We can go get our nails done? Em can’t do it because the nail polish reacts with the chemicals she uses or something, so I could definitely use a buddy.”

My mom nodded as my dad said his goodbyes, “Love you, Em. Alison, nice to meet you. Stay safe, baby girl.”

“I will, Dad. Love you both.”

“Love you too, Emmy. Bye, Alison.”

“Bye, you two! I’ll have Emily send a selfie to you both pronto!”

I cut off my mother’s ‘thank you’ accidentally while turning to wrap myself completely around my girlfriend. She shrugged her shoulder asking if everything had gone alright as I kissed her cheek. I had loved seeing her with them more than I had intended. She understood the perfect balance between connection and conversation. I knew that she had impressed my mother for sure, but after that commentary from my father, I wondered if he was more hesitant overall. I had no doubts in Alison though, just more doubts in myself.

“I have a few questions…” Alison muttered as I continued kissing her neck, my legs now on either side of her hips propped over her on my elbows. I hummed causing her to continue, “What _is_ Kare Kare?”

She brought her legs up so that my ass could rest on her hips while still staying elevated as I replied, “It’s a Filipino stew with peanut sauce. Very traditional and my dad made a fuss because it’s usually made with ox tail and tripe. That’s my dad’s favorite kind, but it can also be made with beef or pork if those are too much.”

“Can I stick with beef or pork my first time around?” She smiled, running her hands over the cloth covering my stomach. “One more question, I had been waiting for it to come up for a bit. And I noticed you tense up earlier when your dad say it.” I refused to look at her, knowing where her question was headed, “You don’t like hearing her name, do you?”

I laced my hand with hers next to her hip, still avoiding eye contact, “Not really, no. It’s like your previous last name, it makes my stomach churn.”

“I get that, but if I’m going to get used to hearing Schoen more often, I think you should be more open to using her name too. She is bound to come up less often than Schoen, that’s for damn sure.”

“I swore off of it when we broke up. Her name isn’t worth being said, Alison.”

Her fingers trailed up my forearm weighing her options, “I assume Ash is a nickname…”

I looked up toward the ceiling trying to hold in tears. I couldn’t believe it. So many years had passed, and I was still fucking pathetic when it came to her.

“Come on.” She gripped the sides of my shirt, trying to pull me on top of her. “Don’t let a name hold power over you, baby. I’m right here. Ash is a nickname for – help me out here.”

I cuddled into her side as her legs fell back onto the couch, causing me to scoot down to lay on her chest, “Ashton. Ashton Miller.”

Alison’s arms wrapped around me as she kissed my forehead, “Ashton… Well, I, for one, think it’s fucking shame she ruined such a cute first name. Typical fucking, Ashton, right? Making a total mockery of all other Ashton’s. And let’s not even get into how the nickname Ash ruins that for all future Ashley’s.” She gasped, smiling into the top of my head, “And the Ashlyn’s! Almost forgot the Ashlyn’s. Fucking shame… What an asshole move, right babe?”

She leaned down to make eye contact with me, smirking. Her attempt to make me feel better had paid off, and she watched my eyes go from cloudy to sneaky in a matter of seconds. My hands made their way up to her hips before I started gently tickling her, moving my legs back over to straddle her as I made my way for her neck once more.

“Emmy! Emily!” She squealed, “I’m happy my joking helped, and I love you too, baby. But we do need to take that photo for your parents before any funny business takes place.”

Having her tucked underneath me, I kissed her neck tenderly, moaning into it as her hips adjusted against mine, “Don’t distract me, please.”

“It’s temporary, Em. C’mon.” She pushed against my hips with her palms, “I promised your parents. Don’t make me break my first promise to your parents.”

I put my right leg down onto the rug beneath us to stand, crossing my arms as I stood up, “Okay, okay. Where do you want me, Ali?”

“Sit back in your spot. I’ll sit between your legs?”

I assumed the position as she intentionally scooted myself a little too firmly against my chest. I groaned causing her to laugh, “You did that on purpose, you jerk.”

“You’ll never know, my love.” She held her arm out at an angle above us to take a selfie, “Smile for me.”

She snapped a few photos allowing us to switch positions minimally. I wrapped my arms around her neck for a shot, kissed the side of her head for another, tickled her sides, and then finished the set off with a simple kiss.

“How were those?” I asked while she scrolled through the shots.

“Emily!” She grinned over her shoulder, “Look at how fucking cute we are! Why haven’t we done this before?”

She was right. Light shined from both of our smiles, and I loved how Alison’s eyes crinkled on their edges as I placed a kiss against her temple. Our love for one another was apparent to anyone who happened along them. It reiterated to me how much finding her had impacted my life. My smile became more sincere. My eyes, more honest. My capacity to care beyond my career had grown leaps and bounds. I was becoming a better human the longer I spent by her side. I hoped that though our photos, she felt the same. That with me, she didn’t feel whole. Neither of us were broken, we didn’t need the other to complete a puzzle inside of ourselves or anything. No, I hoped that, with me, she simply felt better. Because she made me the best version of myself that I’d seen in years.

* * *

Prior to getting in the bed for the night, Alison ran off to do her nightly routine as I got into bed alone. Intentionally pushing my luck, I peeled my clothes off before wrapping my sheets around myself. I caught up on missed text messages and scrolled through the news for about 15 minutes before getting antsy.

“Alison? You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good! Sorry, I got distracted.” She popped around the corner in just her shirt, causing me to raise a brow, “Hopping in the shower now! I’ll be right there.”

It was getting late. I grew frustrated thinking that we might not have a chance to replicate the night before. But it had been a long day for the both of us, and I knew that Alison feeling her best especially in a new place and following a new schedule was critical. I realized that I needed to ask her how she was feeling with all of this. Did it feel like a decent balance? Was being away from Rosewood too much? Did we need to edit what we were doing at all for her to feel more secure? These questions swarmed my thoughts as I sought clarification of what had made her distracted. But as I opened Instagram, I understood where her distraction came from. Because on my main page were a series of highlights from the photos Alison and I had taken earlier with a post underneath. A post that I read and reread for the next 10 minutes because with every word, she continued to take my breath away.

_It’s been quite a bit since I’ve posted anything personal on here, but I figured that you all deserved an update. This is Emily. To anyone that I’ve accidentally left on read or not returned a phone call or forgotten to catch up with over the past few weeks, you now know why. There’s not much to actually say about her other than how amazing she is. I mean, you can tell just from this photo how happy she makes me. I haven’t smiled, laughed, or connected with someone so dearly in so long, and I feel so eternally fortunate that she saw me across the room and bought me that drink nearly a month ago._

_To Em: I know I didn’t clear this through you, but I figured that you might find this cute enough to forgive me. Thank you for everything you’ve given to me. Confidence. Poise. Patience. You are someone I have been looking for for so long, and even looking at this photo, I feel so blessed to have you by my side. You’ve made this transition together go so smoothly because of your innate ability to make those around you feel comfortable and secure. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for loving me. You deserve the world, and I can’t wait to spend as long as I can making sure you get exactly that. I love you. And I still can’t believe that somehow I have the honor of being yours. Cuddle you soon._

* * *

**My newest story, _Promise Me Tomorrow_ , is now up on my Patreon! Access allows you an inside look at my writing, including polls for upcoming projects, request abilities, early-access to chapters, and of course, exclusive original stories of your favorites. If interested, find me over there under the username secretpen28! Also, big shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon! :)** **Thank you for everyone who even checks out the page, it means a lot.**

**I loved getting Alison's perspective at the end of this chapter. Being as it is told only from Emily's POV, I wanted to give you all so insight on the other side to their relationship! :) Part 1 of the next chapter will be out on Sunday, but I felt like posting this 18 hours-ish early because it's been SUCH a great day here in America! Here's to the next 4 years!  
**

**As always, Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**Until next time,**

**secretpen28**


	14. Persist and Resist

**A/N: Thank you for all of the support on last few chapters. I'm so happy that you all are loving this version of Emison because it's been one of my favorite things to develop. They warm my heart despite all of the little flaws just hanging out below the surface. I was unable to find a good place to cut this chapter in two, so the full chapter will be posted today, and no chapter will be posted on Thursday. But you all now get a 10,000 word chapter! This is personally one of my favorite chapters, so please enjoy!**

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Tuesday afternoon I scampered out to the parking lot as soon as I received Alison's text. Today we were trying out carpooling so that Alison wouldn't be left without a car all day, and I couldn't wait to see her smile as I ran toward the semi-circled drive in front of the Cancer Center, usually reserved for patient drop-off and pick-up. She looked at me in wonder as I walked toward the passenger's side door. Her fist rested on top of her lips while she looked up through her eye lashes. She held me so gently in the palms of her hand through glance alone. She took care of me in the simplest of ways.

"Wow..." she mumbled the moment I opened the door, continuing to smirk through her stare.

I turned my body over my right shoulder to check what was behind me, "What?"

"Sometimes I forget how beautiful you are when I'm not with you. But wow."

I pulled Alison's hand from her face to kiss her gently as I entered the car, "Such a fucking flirt." Closing the door behind me, I began to note the new car smell and oil lacquer tracing the leather of my BMW. "Did you get my car cleaned?" I asked, sniffing the air and checking the backseat.

"Sure did. It wasn't messy by any means, but the little crumbs gave way to the fact that you haven't had time to clean your car for months at least."

"You'd be right about that. Thank you." I kissed the palm of her hand before wrapping it in my own, "Were you able to get a copy of Jacob's math problems for me, so I'm not relying on him to read them all off?"

"I did. Carter sent photocopies of them over to your email this afternoon. He was saying that Jake was talking all morning about doing 'mafs with Emlee'."

"Well, that's fucking adorable."

Alison took her eyes briefly off the road to lift our hands and place them back in my lap as if her next thought was meant with emphasis. "You both are... Thank you for doing this. He tends to get extremely frustrated doing math with his father or me, so maybe this will be a good fix."

"I can't promise anything"

"If it helps, I believe in you."

"Thank you, Ali."

"I thought I could order Chinese food or something for us tonight? I was working a majority of the day and didn't have time to prepare much of anything." She let go of my hand and began to fidget with her bottom lip. Nervous at the words escaping them. I read her so well in such a short amount of time, her minimal expressions allowing me to see past her usually blank and mono-toned façade.

I reached out to hold onto her elbow as though my touch would console her apprehension, "That sounds great. And don't think you're expected to cook every night you're here, babe. Usually I meal prep for the week on Sundays, but I'll have to work out a new routine."

"Yes, we will." We caught each other's eyes at her pronoun switch.

"Have you decided yet if you want to leave tomorrow night or Thursday morning?"

"Well, when are _you_ driving in this weekend?"

"My plan is Friday night after work so that we can spend most of Saturday together before going to dinner with your parents. Then, I'll head back here after church on Sunday."

"Okay, that sounds good. Yard work is tomorrow night?" She looked at me from the corner of her eye, a knowing smirk inching from the sides of her smile.

"Yard work is tomorrow night. I can get off work around 3 or 4 tomorrow. So if you'd like, I'll come home, mow the yard and stuff, and then cook you dinner."

"This seems like a well thought out plan to get me to stay an extra night..."

"It's only a well thought out plan if it pays off. Is it working?"

"Of course it is. What am I going to do? Sit at home alone for 2 nights straight?"

"I mean, you used to do that for 7 nights straight."

"Shh... don't remind me. I don't want to go back to that." She said it while laughing, but I could hear the tinge of sadness in the statement.

Part of me wanted to know the Alison of a month ago. Wanted to see how single Alison spent her days and nights during the weeks she was without her son. But in the brief inklings and glimpses I had seen through her words, I feared that her nights were filled with a lot of loneliness. That she didn't have scientific procedure, mutation factoids, or even brief romantic flings running through her brain to give her a way to escape from the silence that surrounded her. But I also had faith that at some point in the future, she would let me know. She would find a way to find the words to fill the empty spaces that lingered between _'I don't want to go back to that.'_ Whatever that may be.

We rode in the silence the remaining few minutes of the drive back to my house. I knew that she knew I was in deep thought about what she said as she got out of the car relatively silently. Even though she opened the door, Alison waited for me to make my way up the few steps before walking in, holding her hand out for me.

"Don't worry about me, okay?" She whispered, pulling me into her chest as her hand fell against my neck.

"Should I expect you to not worry about me then?" I kissed her cheek before walking through the door and grabbing my laptop to head upstairs.

"You're right. That was a dumb question."

I looked over my shoulder as she was closing the door, "I worry about you, Ali. But I trust you to tell me if it becomes too much to carry alone."

"I trust you to do the same."

"I've got you, babe." I winked before continuing, "I'm going to change and read over these questions, but I'll be back down after helping Jacob, okay? Make sure you get some fried rice but past that, get whatever you'd like."

* * *

Helping Jacob with his math went about as well as to be expected. I heard Carter bribe him with a sticker before starting which I can only assume improved his focus. He read through problems fairly easily but struggled differentiating between what needed addition or subtraction. In terms of solving problems though, he did fairly well once the problem was set up. But when I asked him to explain how he solved it, he couldn't elaborate on what he did in the slightest. As if completely missing the number sense behind the problems he was solving. A perplexing case, but he seemed to enjoy working with me. He laughed at my jokes and was easy to redirect when he got off track. After solving a little over half of the problems though, Jacob went off-course. Unexpectedly way off-course.

"Emlee, I fink I can do the west mysef." He had the bad habit of putting his face too close to the camera, making only parts of his face visible at any given time.

"That's great! Will you tell your Daddy that he can call me if you have any other questions?"

He nodded, before pulling away and starring off into the distance. It was the same look I saw from his mother in the car earlier today. I wondered if she saw their similarities too. I wondered if she saw the amazing parts of herself that made up her son. If through him she was even able to see herself, "When Mommy told me bout you, she say dat I can athk you anyting..."

"That's right, Jacob. What's going on in that super smart head of yours?"

"You're not my Mommy or Daddy, wight?"

I was thrown off by the question. Wherever this was going, it was not in the direction of math. That much was clear. "No, sweetheart. I'm your mom's girlfriend. Is that what you mean?"

He shook his head, "I knowed dat! I mean awh you wike dem?"

"Am I like them? In some ways, I am. But no, we are mostly different."

"And you're a doctor?" His eye went directly into frame of the camera. One blue eye. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Scoot back for me." I caught my laughter before continuing, "Kind of, Jacob. I run tests on older people who have had cancer to see if I can find out what works best for other people in the hospital."

"So you will tawk to me about my cancer?"

Hearing a 7-year-old even mutter the word 'cancer' took my breath away. He said it like it was a bad word, immediately looking down into his lap waiting for my acceptance or denial. If breaking Alison's heart was breaking his heart, was the reverse also then true? If I rejected the plea of a child, would breaking his heart be the start of our demise as well?

"Tell me more. I'm not sure what you're trying to say." I thought I knew, but I didn't want to put words into his mouth.

"Mommy and Daddy awct wike it din't happen. I member it, but I don't fink dey want me to."

Another blow to the chest. I went back to my conversation with Carter on that park bench 4 days earlier. _'Please don't treat my son as if he's had cancer.'_ They treated Jacob so much like he didn't have cancer that now he felt like he had no place to discuss it. As if they took that part of himself away save the two visits to the hospital a year. I didn't want to disrespect Carter's, and potentially Alison's wishes. But I also didn't want Jacob to think he had no one in his corner. He asked if I was a doctor. If I answered like a doctor would, it wouldn't be a big deal. Right?

"I don't know a lot about it, Jacob. But I'll answer the questions that I can. How does that sound?"

He nodded, "Ith it posed to huwt?"

"What hurts?" My stomach immediately got sick thinking of all the symptoms he could be having, and feeling like he couldn't come to anyone about them. Was he sick? Had he been sick for weeks or months without finding anyone to tell?

"My scaw!" he reached up, pulling his hair back to show it to the screen. It was my first chance to see it up close. The scar was bigger than it had appeared in Alison's photos. It extended from just near his ear almost to the center of the back of his head. For Alison saying they were small tumors, they had chosen to cover quite a big area of his scalp. It made me wonder how much she actually knew from refusing to see his brain scans and sitting in the waiting room all those months.

"Where does it hurt? Inside or outside?"

"Outside. Thometimes is tingwy!"

"Tingly? Oh, I can explain that." I exhaled in relief. "So, Jacob when you had your surgery, they had to go into your head right where that scar is because the tumor you had was inside your brain."

"Waths a tumow?"

I was going to have to tell Alison. Her son didn't know what a tumor was. He didn't know what was normal after brain surgery. They were doing him a disservice. That much was clear to me. How did I proceed? I considered my options and pulled out my phone from my pocket, held it up to the screen, and started video recording.

"A tumor is a fancy name for your cancer, bud. See, cancer doesn't act like the rest of the skin or bone in our body. It forms its own kind of shell, and we call that a tumor. But it just means cancer. Does that make sense?" He nodded. "Well, Jacob, after your surgery when they got out the tumor, they had to stitch your head back up which is what gave you the scar. I want you to do something for me. Touch the other side of your head like right above your other ear."

"Wight hewre?"

"Yeah, right there. See how much you can feel all of that? You can barely trace your finger over those spots and still feel where your finger is, right? Now, go back to near your scar. Can you feel as much over there?"

"No. It feews wike when I wake up and my awm is asweep."

"You're exactly right, Jacob. They had to cut through what's called nerve endings that are all over our skin. Like the tips of our fingers have a lot because of how much we have to feel things with them. But our heads and arms and even our lips have nerve endings. And when you had your surgery, they had to cut through some of them which makes it kind of numb over there, right?"

"Wight!" His smile made me feel like I was doing the right thing. But my stomach still felt sick as I made sure my phone was still recording.

"So the pain you're feeling outside is those nerve ending reconnecting and the skin still healing around the scar." I inhaled. Time for the question of the hour. "Does it ever hurt inside, Jacob?"

"No, not fow a wong time." He started picking at his hands nervously. I couldn't tell if that was because his doctor's asked him these types of questions often or if he was evading. With more time, I could tell. I knew I could read him if I had more time.

"Oh, so it used to?"

"My head huwt a wot." He looked back up, placing the palm of his hand over his forehead, his eye, and down the side of his head. A massive area to be having pain.

"That makes sense. Will you be sure to let your Mommy or Daddy know if your head ever hurts _inside_ again?"

"I can tell you." _'Tell you.'_ Fuck. He didn't trust his parents with an ounce of this. But somehow, he trusted me. "Can I get sthick again?"

"Yeah, you can, Jacob. The appointments you go to every year are to make sure that doesn't happen though. Do you remember what it felt like before you had cancer the first time? Like before you found out?"

"I falled a wot. An my eyes were..." He waved his fingers in front of his face.

"Blurry?" He nodded, "Okay, that's good to know. Anything else other than falling, blurry vision, and your head hurting?"

"I frew up bunches."

"That does happen. Remember all of those things for me, okay bud? If those happen, tell your parents right away. Even if you think they don't want to hear it, they do. I promise they do."

"Okay, Emlee. I pwomise." He nodded, adjusting his hair like his mother when she had something important to say, "When we do maf, can I awsk you more fings?"

"You can ask me anything you want, Jacob, sure." I gulped, looking back at my phone propped recording our call. I was betraying the trust he was just starting to build with me. It made me nauseated to even think about.

"Okay. Why you onwy call me Jacob if you hep take cawe of me?"

I helped take care of him. In the short time we knew each other, he already saw me as someone worth taking care of him. Is this what being a parent was like all of the time? A balancing act between doing what was best for them while remaining a hero in their eyes? A fine line to walk. A line I hadn't even known I was expected to traverse.

"Your Mommy told me when I met her that only people really close to you call you Jake, so I never have."

"Day all cawl me Jake dough."

"Do you want me to call you Jake, then?"

He shook his head, "No. You awn't my famwy."

I laughed. I had just talked myself up big time only for him to yank me right back down to where I belonged. "You're right. I'm not your family."

"Mommy cawls you Emlee?" I nodded. "And Daddy cawls you Emlee?"

"Yeah, Jacob. Everyone calls me Emily."

"Den we need names for jus us! Acause I can't weawy say your name, you know?"

He smiled up at the camera with his toothy grin. I thought loving Alison was easy, but I had been wrong. Loving Jacob was the easiest thing I had ever done. The purest of intentions. The sweetest of motivations. He wanted nothing more than to love and be loved. I could do that easily.

"Yeah, you do your best though! Do you have something in mind?"

"I cawl you E?"

"E? Just the letter E." I looked at the screen confused, but inside I was beaming. A nickname just for me. I'd take anything he wanted.

"Yeah, and den you cawl me J."

"E and J? I can do that." I let my smile sneak through. "What if Jake slips out sometimes?"

"Das okay. Jus do you bethst."

"I can do my best. Do you have any more questions for me, J?"

"Nod tonigh. Nexth week?" He gave me a thumbs up which I reciprocated.

"Sure. Next week. I'll see you Sunday too, okay? At church?"

"Okay, yay! I tawk to Mommy waiter. You tewl her?"

"I will tell her. Promise. She will be waiting by the phone at 8 for you like always."

"Okay. Bye, E. Fanks."

I sighed exasperatedly as I turned the video off, feeling both proud for the way mine and Jacob's relationship was building, but simultaneously nauseous thinking about the conversation I needed to have with Alison. Coming down the stairs, I saw her just starting to plate our take-out.

"Perfect timing!" She exclaimed over her shoulder quickly before returning to her task. "How'd it go? Did he listen to you?"

"He listened great, Alison." I tried to hide my worry, but I knew she'd find me out.

She dropped the spoon on the plate, resting the to-go container on the counter as she turned, "What happened then? Why's your voice sound concerned?"

I smiled at the fact she knew me so well already but just kissed her forehead, "We'll talk at the table. Can I help plate anything?"

"I put the eggrolls back in the microwave because they were a little lukewarm when they arrived. I got us sweet and sour chicken with fried rice to share. Does that sound alright?"

"It's perfect, babe. Don't worry." Carrying them carefully from the microwave to place one on each of our plates, Alison held onto my wrist as I was pulling away to move toward the table.

"Hey." She paused, waiting for me to meet her eyes, "I love you. Whatever happened, I love you."

She placed her thumb on the curve of my neck as we briefly kissed, "I love you, too. I'm fine. This has to do with you and Carter. It doesn't involve me." I picked up both of our plates and placed them next to each other on the table, as Alison reached into the fridge to pull out a bottle of wine without hesitation after my statement.

"Alright, hit me with it." She remarked, setting the bottle down onto the table, not even bothering to grab glasses for us as she took a drag straight from the neck.

"First, your son is cutest kid in the world. I helped him with like 7 of his math problems and at the end of our hour, he gave me a nickname." I smiled, reaching for the bottle as well as she replied.

"A nickname? Emlee wasn't good enough for him?"

"No, he said that he knew he messed up my name." I chuckled, "So he's going to call me E from now on." I pointed Alison's way with the bottle still in my hand, knowing that we were both delaying the bad news that always tends to accompany wine. She nodded as I placed my hand underneath her chin while pouring a small amount into her open mouth. "And because I'm not family, his words." Alison looked at me wide-eyed, swallowing her wine as I continued, "I should try not to call him Jake. So, he told me to call him J."

"J and E?" Alison covered her mouth as her eyes smiled back at me, "That's perfect."

"Really cute, right?"

"So fucking cute. You've really made an impression on him, love." She reached across the corner of the table to wipe off a spot of wine falling down my chin. I nodded, kissing the finger lingering on my lips. "I assume you're telling me this soften the blow of whatever's coming."

"Yeah. He kind of caught me off guard so I recorded the conversation if you wanted to see it. I didn't want you to think that I was going against your and Carter's wishes or anything."

"Our wishes about what?"

"Well, last weekend Carter said that he... well, how did he say it?" I paused, re-finding the words, "He told me 'not to treat his son as if he's had cancer.'" I waited, watching as Alison nodded. She wasn't surprised by what I said. "I assume that's your policy too, then?"

"I mean, I don't want anyone to treat him with kid gloves after all he's been through. He's the strongest person I know."

"Okay, I understand that. But like, does Jacob know he had cancer?"

"Sure." She grabbed the bottle again reaching for another gulp, "He lived it, you know?"

"Well, yes. But Alison, do you talk to him about it?" She shook her head. "Does he know he can talk about it?"

"He was three, Emily. He doesn't – "

"He does, babe."

She hadn't set the bottle down. She was clutching it for support. She knew what was happening. She knew what I was starting to say, and she wasn't going to let go of that bottle until I finished my thought.

"Alison, he asked me if I was like you guys. And when I said that in some ways I was different, he asked if I would talk to him about his cancer."

She looked at me out of the corner of her eye as she chugged for a few seconds, wiping her mouth before speaking, "Is that when you started recording?" I shook my head. "Okay, what else did you tell my son?"

 _Fuck._ My son. Not Jacob. Not Jake. Not just him. My son.

I gulped. "He said that you and Carter act like it didn't happen, but that he remembers it. He thinks you two don't want him to remember that he had cancer."

"Why would I want him to remember that, Emily?"

"I'm not saying that you should want him to remember it, but that doesn't change the fact that he does. It doesn't do any good to ignore that he remembers." I was speaking as a doctor, not as her girlfriend. And at that moment, I didn't really give a fuck if I upset her.

"I'm still waiting for you to get to the part you recorded." She was pissed. She was holding it in, but she was pissed. Maybe not at me. Maybe not at him. Maybe not even at herself. But she was upset that somehow this was even a conversation.

"He asked if he could ask me questions and so, I told him that I'd answer like a doctor would. He goes to those appointments twice a year. I figured I could answer like a doctor he may see then, you know?" She nodded, reaching out to put her hand on my leg as she set the bottle down. "He asked me if his scar was supposed to hurt. That was his first question." Alison gulped. "What I'm about to say will sound like I'm angry. But your son doesn't even know that he can come to you when he's in pain, Alison. That's not okay."

"Is he okay?"

"He is, but you need to ask why you didn't know the answer to that question yourself. The outside of his scar tingles because his nerve endings are reconnecting. But he thought something was wrong, and he didn't even feel comfortable coming to you guys because he thinks you 'want him to forget about it.' He decided to ask someone he met 4 days ago instead."

"Emily – "

I didn't have time for her to try and explain herself. I felt sick at the entire scenario. "I used the word tumor, and he didn't know what that was either. And that's when I started recording." I passed her my phone and started the lengthy video.

She smiled as I explained the difference between his level of feeling on each side of his head and looked up at me endearingly as I asked if he would tell his Mom and Dad if his head ever hurt inside again. But then I watched her wince as he replied that he 'would tell me.' The color drained from her face as she saw him continuing to talk to me in a way that he had never opened up to her. Her tongue began poking the sides of her mouth as she nervously watched him tell me about his previous symptoms. The symptoms Carter mentioned frequently went ignored in the past. Symptoms he could now recall, as if he knew something was wrong long before his parents did. She closed her eyes tightly as his voice echoed through her ears, opening them again allowing tears to race down her cheeks.

"Baby..."

"No, stop." She held out her hand. "I need to hear this. All of it." I reached to wipe away a tear. "Don't touch me, please. I don't deserve it right now."

"The rest is just him figuring out nicknames and saying that he would talk to you tonight." I looked at the clock in the kitchen, "In about 12 minutes, to be exact."

She rolled her eyes, taking another drag from the bottle and passing back my phone, "Can you text Carter and say to call at 8:15, please?"

"Of course." I replied, shooting off the message before turning back to Alison, who was attempting to eat through her tears, "What are you thinking?"

"That we fucked up. Again."

I reached for her hand, which she didn't resist, "Why do you think you don't deserve affection after maybe making a mistake? I think that's when someone needs to be reminded the most that one choice or a series of choices aren't going to change how I feel about you if the intent was good. You never meant for this to be the outcome. You were doing what you thought was best."

"He seemed so sure about what he was saying. That's what hurt, Emmy. He was past the point of questioning if we wanted to talk to him about it. Somewhere along the way both of us shut him down. When did I make him think I couldn't come to me? When did I let him down?" She brought her hand that I was holding up to her face to wipe her tears off wildly.

"I don't know, baby. But now you know, you can make this better."

She nodded, gasping for a breath, "I know. I know. But how do I do that and not let him know that you told me. He needs to trust you, too."

"I don't know, Alison. That's not my decision to make. But if I lose his trust through you gaining it, I don't mind." I felt my heart sink. I knew it was the right thing to say, but it hurt.

She turned her body fully toward me at the table, "I need to get on this phone call in a minute, but I'm obviously not alright right now."

"No, you're not." I placed my hand against her cheek wishing her hurt would dissipate in the minutes she had left to spare.

"So, sweetheart, I'm about to do the car thing again. I'm about to shove this down to have this conversation, okay? I'm forgetting about it for the phone call, but I'm going to come back to it. I don't want you to get upset or anything."

I smiled at her managing her way through my potential triggers, "I know, Ali. You're okay."

"Thank you." she mumbled, reaching for the bottle of wine again before standing up and walking toward the couch, "Finish eating and then come join me. I haven't cuddled you enough today."

Alison kissed the top of my head as her phone started ringing and she answered with "Hi my love! How are you? Emily told me that you earned your sticker, Bug. I'm so proud of you."

Not a missed step. In front of me, she never missed one. But it pained me to blatantly see ways she'd misstepped in the past. The ways she was bound to misstep as time went on. The ways I was bound to misstep. In fact, I was almost sure that once her mind did come back to her woes about mine and Jacob's conversation, that she would find at least one way I had made a mistake. I'm sure in my conversation with him and my conversation with her that I had made many mistakes. But I didn't regret my choices. I had acted in the best interest of Jacob. Out of everyone though, I wasn't afraid of Alison's reaction. I was afraid of Carter's.

After eating, I started clearing our plates and putting up our leftovers for lunch tomorrow. Half way through the process though, I heard Alison calling for me. She kissed my cheek as I sat down, everyone starting to say their goodbyes.

"Night, Bug! Talk to you tomorrow. We'll make sure your outfit is perfect for Thursday, okay?"

"Bye, Mommy. Fanks again, E!"

"See you, J."

"And Carter?" Alison said nonchalantly, "Can you call us back once you tuck him in?" Carter nodded, while looking back and forth as he hung up. And Alison immediately groaned. "I hate this co-parenting bullshit!"

"At least you have it worked out though. Most people probably wouldn't tell their partner something like this right away even if you were living in the same home."

She leaned against me as she replied, "Let me tell him, okay? He, uh, probably won't take it the same way."

"What does that me – " But I was interrupted by his return call.

"What's up, Al?" He sighed, sitting down in a large chair, presumably in his living room.

"In the name of transparency, I need to tell you about a conversation Jake and Emily had tonight."

"During math tutoring? What could've possibly gone down during math tutoring?"

"Well, he starting asking Emily about his cancer because she's a doctor." She took a quick breath before continuing, not letting him speak, "He mentioned that he doesn't think he can ask us questions because we act like we don't want him to remember that he had it."

"Why does he need to remember that he nearly fucking died?"

"Car, we've never let him ask even the simplest questions though. He thought something was wrong because his scar has been hurting."

"His scar's been hurting?"

"Apparently... Emily said that it's because his nerve ending are reconnecting or something, but he thought something was wrong and didn't tell us. That's not okay. We need to rethink our strategy here."

"Is Emily there?"

"She is, but I think that this – "

"She started this bullshit. Pass her the phone."

"Carter. Listen to me, please. I know you're upset but – "

"I told her one fucking thing, Alison. I told her not to treat him like he had cancer."

Alison's tone switched without hesitation, "What was she supposed to do, Carter? Make him think that he had no one in his life who he could talk to? This has obviously been something weighing on him if within 2 weeks of even knowing who the fuck she is that he's pouring his little heart out to her."

"Pass the phone." He said it more harshly and with added emphasis.

"I'm not passing the phone, Carter. I'm supporting her decision. She recorded most of the conversation so that we could hear it. She didn't overstep. She answered his questions, nothing more."

"I told her one thi – "

" – actually, Carter." I interjected. "You told me two things. You told me not to treat your son like he had cancer, yes. But you also told me to be there for him. What kind of precedent would I have set for 'being there' for him if he asked if he could talk to me about his cancer, and I told him no?"

"I don't need you telling me shit about raising my son."

"And I'm not telling you a damn thing, Carter. I haven't said one thing about how you choose to raise, Jacob. I know that's not my place." I leaned back against the couch to lower my voice, "But he came to me scared that something was wrong, and I answered questions that any doctor would've answered for your son. Watch the fucking video if you're so concerned, I didn't ask any leading questions. I only asked medical-based questions as if he was my patient. But if you watch the video and never want me to discuss his cancer with him again, I'll respect that."

"It wasn't your right to say a damn thing in the first place."

"Car – " Alison redirected, "She already did say something. Move on from that. This is about us and how we're going to talk to our son. Not the fact that he trusted an adult that we both have chosen to trust as well."

"Send me the video then."

"Sure, one second." I replied, curtly. Alison muted her phone as she set it down on the cushion next to us while Carter watched the video I sent. "What the fuck?" I whispered.

"He doesn't like being caught off-guard."

"No shit..."

"I told you to let me handle it."

"But you weren't at the park. You didn't know what all he said. I'm not going to let him – "

"I know, Emmy. I know. Look, I'm going to always support you no matter what to people outside of our relationship."

"But in private?"

"We'll talk about it before bed, I promise. It's nothing big. You did the right thing talking to him about it."

"Alright, can't wait to hear the 'but' later on tonight."

"I love you." She whispered, kissing my cheek.

"I watched it." Carter spoke from a few feet away, "Why am I looking at the ceiling, Al?"

"Sorry, we put you on mute for a second. Do you see what Emily means?"

He sighed, "Yeah, she wasn't intrusive. That doesn't mean I like it though."

"I understand that, Carter, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened. Nor does it change the fact that she asked him to come to us if he ever was in pain, and he instead replied that he would come to her. He doesn't trust us with this."

"Yeah..." He rubbed his eyes as if suddenly exhausted.

"So like I said ten minutes ago, we need to rethink our strategy. He's obviously at the age that he has questions about everything."

"I don't want Emily answering his questions."

Alison reached for my leg, "Okay. How about we don't want her answering his questions _alone_? It might be helpful having a doctor there to answer the stuff we don't know the answer to?"

"Then we'll talk to his fucking doctors at the hospital."

"We're going to drive two hours to Baltimore every time Jacob has a medical-based question? Carter, be realistic."

"She's not his mother."

"She's not trying to be. He cornered her, and she did the best she could."

"You can't be cornered by a 7-year-old, Al. Get a grip."

"She met him four days ago for fucks sake. And she answered his questions better than we could've. I know that for a fact."

"I don't want her answering his questions."

"I don't agree."

"You know this is bullshit, babe. What right does she have to be answering his questions?"

"Don't call me babe. And we gave her that right when we gave our son the fucking impression that his questions weren't welcome. I'm not discussing this part with you right now because we're not going to come to same conclusion tonight. Emily won't answer anymore of his questions until we figure out the protocol. Is that okay, sweetheart?"

"Sure. Whatever you want." I replied, sullenly next to her knowing that none of this was my place.

They disagreed like a ping-pong match, each side having pre-determined goals and solutions before even processing what the other side had said. I understood why each of them now said that they were better off as friends. They bickered not like people who used to be lovers. The compassion for one another didn't hang between them as I would've expected. They bickered like friends in a misunderstanding. A relationship that ebbed based on how hard the other was pushed. A bond unlikely to break but easier to fracture.

Alison turned back to Carter, "But we need to figure out what we're going to do from here on out. Jacob doesn't trust us. That's not okay with me."

"It's not okay with me either. Do we need to talk to him together?"

"I'd assume so. After church on Sunday?"

"Won't _she_ be there?" He said it as though I was an afterthought. It hurt worse than I thought it would.

Alison huffed before replying, "Emily's heading back to Baltimore on Sunday afternoon, so we will have time on Sunday. Don't worry."

"Fine. Is that all?"

"You're not going to say 'thank you for telling me' or anything?"

"Thank you? You've brought someone into our world that threw a hatchet into something that had been working for years."

"Obviously not, Carter! What part of that don't you get? If he didn't trust us, the plan obviously wasn't working. I can't fucking do this right now. We can talk on Halloween, alright?"

"Yup." He replied bitterly, "I know you invited her. She coming?"

"I need you to look at me for this." She paused, apparently waiting for him to make eye contact. "I know you love being in control. I know that your mind is scrambling knowing that you didn't foresee this outcome somehow. But I also know that your anger toward Emily right now doesn't represent how you're actually feeling. I know that you're just pissed off that you weren't there for him like she was. And I need you to hear this as my friend right now, Carter, not as my ex or as Jacob's father. As my fucking friend, you know that referring to my girlfriend as 'she' or 'her' is unacceptable. Especially when Emily is sitting in this fucking room. Do you understand me?" He nodded. "I didn't make the decision to introduce her to you or Jacob lightly. I didn't just stumble upon it like a crack in sidewalk. If Jacob ever, and I mean ever, hears you refer to Emily with disdain or negativity, I will not hesitate to take your ass back to court. So, yes, you can be upset at this situation and sure, you can be upset at Emily right now. But you will not try and fuck with her or our relationship. If you have an issue with Emily, you have an issue with me. Get your shit together by Thursday because we will be discussing this in full. Any questions?"

"I gotcha." He replied with a discontented nod.

"Anything to say to Emily?" she asked, open-ended.

"Nope. Not right now."

Alison scoffed, "Alright, fuck you too. Goodnight." She tossed the phone onto the floor. "Fucking asshole."

"Ali – "

"Give me a second, okay babe?" Alison stood up, wringing her hands out onto her pants, "I'm so sorry, Emily. He's stubborn as fuck. Always has been. It'll all be okay come Sunday, I promise. I don't – "

I stood up to meet her pacing, holding her steady with my hands on her shoulders, "Alison, it's okay. Thank you standing by me through that. You didn't have to say all of that."

"No, I did. He wouldn't talk to me that way, so he shouldn't talk to you that way either." She looked toward her feet as though guilty. Guilty of what I didn't know, but she struggled to look me in the eye as I kept speaking.

"He just knows how to make you upset. It's okay. Don't give him that power. We still need to talk out our side of things. Come on." I pulled on her arms, trying to get her to sit down.

"I'm not even mad about that anymore. Shit, you were better explaining all of that to him than I ever could be." She sat down, throwing her legs casually over my waist. "We'll talk to Jacob on Sunday so we'll all be on the same page. Next time, just call me to at least be in the room, okay? Even if I'm off-screen, just let me be there."

"Yeah, of course. That's why I recorded it." I stretched to link our hands together over her torso.

"I know. I know. You did all you could, baby. Carter didn't mean what he said, Em. You didn't throw a hatchet into anything. He's probably just pissed that Jacob chose to come to you instead of him. It's a pride thing."

"Alison, I don't hold his words against you. You are separate from him. I am in love with you. I am not in love with him. And as I said weeks ago, I don't give a _fuck_ about Carter Schoen. We will be okay with or without his support. I trust you."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. And any further questions, I will loop you in automatically."

"Thanks, Em..." We let the silence linger between us as she sat up to drape herself over me further. Her fingers danced around my collarbone as I flipped through the television to see if something good was on. Nothing ever was. After a few minutes, Alison sighed against me, "So, I meant for this to end up being sexier for sure, but I need your help with something."

"Sexy? I'm down to help however I can with that."

"Yeah, yeah." She shoved my shoulder while starting to head for the stairs, "Come upstairs once you get the dishes settled, okay?"

* * *

"Is that you coming up the stairs, babe?" Alison called from down the hallway as I was climbing the last few steps toward the second floor.

"Yes? Who else would it be?" I laughed before her voice rang out again.

"Pause, right where you are, please. I need to explain before you come any further."

"Yeah, I'm right here." I sighed, resting my body against the wall at the top of the staircase.

Alison echoed me down the hallway as she groaned before continuing, "So, I tried this for the first time last week, and I couldn't get it to work. But you won't be there later this week, so I need you to help me figure out how to do this alone. It was supposed to be sexy, but I think it's going to lose its zest during this process. I just – I feel embarrassed."

"Okay... Do you need to explain _more_? Can I walk down there now?"

"Yeah, but you can't laugh. Promise me you won't laugh."

I walked carefully down the hall, unsure of what I was about to find, "Okay, I won't laugh. Are you trying to figure out some new sex toy or something? What do you mean I won't be there later so you –"

But my voice stopped in its tracks and I rounded the corner. Alison sat in front of me, head in her hands with black leather at her ankles, leaving her in nothing but a fitted black bustier and a black thong. I clutched onto the door from dramatics as I feigned weakness, causing her to laugh.

"My God." I uttered, as Alison's smirked from her seated position.

"Well, I'm happy that's your reaction now because it won't be by the time we figure this out."

"What do you need me to help figure out exactly?" I walked toward her holding out my hands to help lift her off of the bed, allowing my eyes to trace up and down her figure shamelessly.

"Emily, I need your focus." She snapped in front of me.

"Can we stop for just a second to appreciate how exquisite you look right now?" I leaned forward to kiss her neck, nipping with my teeth as I pulled away.

"Put your lusting eyes away for a minute, please. I need your help."

"I'm not sure how you thought that I would not find this sexy. I mean, the women I love is barely dressed in front of me and – "

"Emily!" Alison exclaimed, placing her hand on my chest to stop my wondering thoughts. "I can't get the fucking costume on by myself! But neither of us want Carter helping me with this Thursday night, so I need you to put your eyes back in your skull for a bit to figure this out. Can you do that for me?"

"You would ask Carter to help?" I asked facetiously, allowing my thumb to trail just beneath her bustier and knowingly pushing my luck.

"He's seen my body before!" She side stepped to the right, pulling the garment around her feet with her before turning back to me. "But no, I'd probably call Aria or something. I'd rather us figure this out together though and then you can let your eyes and hands wander all over this damn cat suit if you'd like. Okay?" She threw her hands exasperatedly to either side.

"Awh, you were really trying to give me a surprise. Weren't you?"

"Of course I was. If that was your reaction to what's underneath the Catwoman costume, I can't imagine what it would've been like for you to round the corner and me fully be in it."

I shook out my body while making my way to my knees. I didn't want to think about it either, to be honest. Alison needed me focused and me imagining her completely in leather didn't help with my concentration in the slightest.

"So we need to figure out how to do this alone, is that correct?"

"Yes. I can't get the leather to stretch over my legs, hips, and ass all at the same time while keeping the leather intact. I can only imagine it will be hot as fuck in here."

"I'm sure it will be. But let's see, isn't there that one episode of Friends where Ross gets stuck in those leather pants from sweat?" Alison nodded. "Well, they tried to use baby powder. Do you think that might help them slide on better for you? We can figure out where you can actually apply the baby powder yourself and see if that works?"

"I'll try anything at this point." She sighed, holding onto my forearm as I guided her into the bathroom. She shuffled along next to me dragging the outfit every step of the way.

Not wanting to make much of a mess, I walked her over to my walk-in shower, helping her lift a foot at a time over the entry and draping the costume behind her before grabbing power from my cabinet and returning to her side.

"Okay, can you pat all the way around your own thighs, babe? Show me how far around you can get." Alison sighed as she bent down to show that she could get around a majority of her legs. "Pop your head up for me." I asked causing Alison to look up at me. "Don't stress for single second, okay? You're beautiful."

Pulling away after kissing her gently, she moved her lips into a small frown as another negative thought passed her mind.

"Do you need to hear it again? You just kind of frowned." I watched her eyes brighten up, causing her to barely smile. "You're beautiful, Alison."

"Thank you." She kissed my forehead while standing back up again.

"You can get most of your thighs, sweetheart. So, I'm going to put this on all the way around, but you should be able to do this part alone tomorrow, okay?"

Alison watched as I gently put baby powder on my hands to pat it against her skin. I noted her every stretch mark. Her every stray hair. Her every vein. Each part perfection. Each part vaguely unappreciated by the woman they belonged to. It made me wonder how Alison saw my body in return. If she saw the birthmark I once hated on my thigh and blessed the skin that traced her lips. If she saw the scars from scraping my legs getting in and out of the pool day in and day out and embraced the wounds that built my character.

"You know I love you, right?" Alison asked from above me, shaking me from my wandering thoughts.

"You've told me at least a dozen times today." I smiled up at her.

"Do you know why though? Do you know how I knew?" I shook my head while leaning forward to kiss the skin just below her right hip. "I started falling in love with you sitting on that bench at the museum. When you saw Jacob's photo for the first time, I saw the panic in your eyes as your pupils expanded. I saw your eyes flit back and forth between me and literally anything else around us. But despite that panic, one of the first things you said to me was – "

"Tell me more." I replied while starting to work the pants legs of her costume up her calves.

"Yeah, and you turned your head in a way that I knew you were hearing me. That you weren't discounting me immediately. That you cared for me enough in a week that hearing about Jacob was worth it. And I don't think you know how rare that kind of reaction is. But I knew I loved you for sure when we were walking out of the museum. I don't know if you remember it, but I was a little ahead of you. And you reached for my hand to pull me into you... and I knew right then that you were someone that was missing in my life. That I needed someone like you to balance us out."

"Reach one hand down for me to hold onto this side, Ali." I whispered up at her, taking in all of her words as she held part of the pants in her hands. "Okay, we need to figure out a way to get this up all the way to your hip before moving to the other side so that we can make sure you can do this alone. Is the baby powder helping?"

"Mhm-mmm," Alison affirmed, tucking the left leg and torso barely into her thong string to get her hands free again. As I kept working to place baby powder around her torso, Alison kept speaking as well. "You kept surprising me though. You are so attentive. But I love you because of this moment. Because when you complete any task, you complete it with so much care. Like your hands right now aren't just slapping powder onto my skin, you are taking time to make sure I'm able to do this myself. You take your time. With me and with us. I love that you take the time to make sure I know I'm appreciated and loved and beautiful. No one's taken that time for me before. No one's made sure I understood it. But you do. You do it without thinking. You do it because caring is just a part of you. It's a part of your being in a way that I was never taught to do. Like tonight with Jake, I'm sure part of you told you stop the conversation. Part of you wanted to call for me. But you took care of him instead. You saw him and his face breaking in front of you and made a choice that was best for my son. Emily, you made the choice that any other parent would have made. You made sure he was okay and was cared for and knew that he had someone on his side. I love you for that."

"Now, the other side. Pull that leg up and tuck it like you did on your left. Can you pause and pull the inside of your thighs on your own while keep those there?" She nodded, as I stood finally getting off my knees. "And can you loop your hands around your arms? Perfect. I think the more you can end up getting on your shoulders, the less likely the costume will stick to your back. Let me get your arms so your hands don't get dirty, too." I kissed her cheek before continuing.

"And don't interrupt me during this part, but part of me is sad that I know my strengths aren't doing the same for you in return. Sure, I ask if someone has told you how amazing you are over the past five years. And I give you affection every chance I can, but I don't touch you the way you touch me. Not literally... you get it. I do things quickly as a mother. I have to in order to stay afloat with my to-do list. But I wish I could slow down. I wish I had the ability to take the care you have for me and expand it into all areas of my life. Not just during our downtime, you know?"

"You're forgetting something though, sweetheart."

"What's that?" She asked, as I brushed her hair away from her eyes with the back of my hand.

"I don't need you to take care of me that way. That's not what I need from you in a relationship. That's not why I love you." She tilted her head as I kissed just next to her lips. "Right arm is done. Try pulling that up for me and pat around it. Is it still hard to get over your ass with it resting on your hips?"

"Ugh. It tries to roll."

"Can you reach that?"

"I don't think so."

"Hold onto it behind your back and sit on shower bench for me. Can you grab it now?" She smiled up at me. "Okay, so stick your hand down to hold onto more of the fabric, stretch it up, and then stand up for me again. That work?"

Alison exhaled, "Oh thank God."

"We're almost there then! Now your right arm through. Let me get powder on your left..." I paused before moving back to our secondary conversation. "Alison, I fell in love with you during our first argument of sorts. At my kitchen table. I was overwhelmed with meeting your family and everything that came with that and you asked me two amazingly adorable questions..."

"What can I take off your plate?"

I kissed her temple, "Yeah. And then followed it with, 'Then what do you want?' I'd never been asked that by a partner before. My personality type is to be agreeable. I follow along for longer than maybe I should before it lights a fuse. And because of that, it's rare that I meet someone who challenges that side of me. Who sees my structure and order and sees it for what it really is."

"Anxiety." Alison interrupted, placing her hand on my cheek to pull me in for a sweeping kiss. "It is anxiety, right?"

I laughed, "A ton of anxiety. It manifested as OCD when I was younger. But after doing swimming which is so regimented and then moving into a profession that relies on my obsession with order, it mostly fades away in the other areas of my life."

"Mostly being the operative word, I assume."

Alison smirked as I shoved her shoulder, "Shush. I fell in love with you then because I realized that you saw me. You saw my frustration and instead of pulling away, you wanted me closer to you. You wanted us to be closer because of it, not in spite of it. I love you because in my weakest moments, you're strong. I love you because you don't seek to be right with me. You seek for both of us to be understood. I love you because you meet the needs I have in my life without even speaking them into existence. Like cleaning my car today. How did you know that was making me anxious?"

"This morning when you were buckling your seatbelt, you picked up the water bottle that was in the floorboard, groaned, and muttered as you put it in the console. You only mutter when you're anxious."

"See?" I smirked, pulling my lips to the side bashfully. "I put you and Jacob first because if I didn't, I would be an anxious wreck. And you follow that up with making the rest of my life less anxiety inducing which makes me put more of my time into you. It's a circle, babe. That's what love should be. Last part, let me put some powder on your chest and then, you should be able to pull it all the way on, I think." I worked quickly before pulling away and racing to the sink to rinse the powder off of my hands and arms, "Okay, try it."

Alison struggled briefly, doing the sitting trick to get the leather up and over her other butt cheek before patting down the sides around her arm and on her chest. She looked up at me smiling, turning in a circle as soon as it was fitted to her and stepping out of the shower.

"Hot damn." I squealed, wrapping my arms around her, "You are _so_ fucking attractive." I ran my hands down her back as she shirked into my chest, clutching my hips.

"So it looks okay?"

"Alison? You are in a leather jumpsuit that is hugging each of your curves. I don't have one bad word to say. Is the baby powder helping?"

She walked toward the mirror, checking herself out, "I think so. I wish I could reach my ass better because I'm sure it will start sweating."

Wrapping my arms around her waist from behind, I placed my lips on her neck, "I'm so sorry, but Carter _cannot_ help you with that."

"It was a fucking joke, Emily." She shrugged her shoulders teasingly trying to pull away as I kissed her neck over and over again. "Stop. Stop!" I paused, looking at her in the mirror and running my hands down her thighs, "Do you want to see it with the mask?"

My breath caught in my throat, "You brought the mask?"

Alison spun in my arms, trailing her hands up my t-shirt, stopping strategically at my abs and ribcage, "Of course, I did." Her fingers fluttered over my torso as she spoke, "I told you that I brought this outfit just for you."

I nodded, my tongue subconsciously dragging along my bottom lip, "And I helped you right? You think you can do this alone Thursday night."

"I think you figured that out perfectly. If we need to, we can practice again tomorrow night?"

My mouth was going dry as Alison raised herself on her toes to start kissing against my neck as I stood there immovable. "Tomorrow?"

She licked up my jawline, sending my hands to cup her ass as my eyes closed, "Like I said earlier, if we figured this out, I'd let your eyes and hands wander anywhere on the cat suit you'd like. It's whatever you want, Emily." She whispered in my ear while I turned her head to mine, wrapping my hand in her hair as my other hand remained on her waist pulling her closer into me.

"You. All I want is you."

* * *

**A/N: My newest story, _Promise Me Tomorrow_ , is now up on my Patreon! Access allows you an inside look at my writing, including polls for upcoming projects, request abilities, early-access to chapters, and of course, exclusive original stories of your favorites. If interested, find me over there under the username secretpen28! Also, big shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon! :)** **Thank you for everyone who even checks out the page, it means a lot.**

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	15. Shattered Edges Glisten - Part 1

Getting out of the shower the next morning, I stopped to revel at Alison delicately putting on her makeup in the mirror in front of us. She had stumbled out of bed despite loving her sleep to pull on sweatpants and groggily shouted while I was shampooing my hair if she could borrow a sweatshirt to be ready in time to drive me to work. And she still looked amazing. After drying off and wrapping my towel around me, I walked up behind her to adjust her hair so it cascaded down her back.

"That sweatshirt looks cute on you."

"Thank you..." she smiled up at me, reaching one arm back to link her fingers with mine. "We are still agreed after last night though, right?" We met eyes through the mirror as I laughed loudly. "I'm already upset I have to wear it again Thursday. But no more cat suit, Em."

"No more cat suit." I covered my mouth to prevent my laughter from continuing to echo through the space. "Can you at least laugh about it this morning?"

"You weren't the one wearing it! It was a pain in the ass! You literally had to peel it off of me and then, I was still fucking covered in baby powder causing you to change the sheets while I was attempting to shower off. It ruined the entire mood, and I'm still stressing about how I'm supposed to somehow take that off myself tomorrow night." She emphatically made her points through the mirror's reflection, overusing her right hand holding her eyeliner to mark her statement.

I wrapped my right arm over her chest while placing my head on her left shoulder, keeping our hands connected by her waist, "But what about the 15 minutes _before_ that series of events occurred when we were in relationship honeymoon bliss?"

She kissed my forearm as I kissed her shoulder simultaneously, the love in her eyes my only indication that I had made a valid point, "It's not happening again."

"The mask didn't require any baby powder. Is that still out of the question?" I smirked, dancing my fingers up her thigh.

"Don't push your luck, Fields. I can't believe there was ever a part of me that thought it was a good idea in the first place. Hell, I bought it when I was single. What was the plan, Alison?"

"You can tell me if it was to impress Carter. I'd love to rub in his face that I got to see you in it first." I laughed, kissing her cheek before heading to the closet to change.

She groaned, raising her voice as I walked away from her, talking through her smile, "How long are you going to hold that against me? I told you it was one fucking time nearly two years ago!"

I popped my head out of the closet, my towel falling to the ground, "I'm not holding anything against you. We all have moments of weakness, beautiful." I blew her a kiss, causing her to chuckle.

"To answer your insinuation though, no it wasn't to impress Carter. It was a fucking impulse buy that I didn't even realize was fully leather until I pulled it out of its bag on Friday!" She heard my laughter continuing from the closet, "You are _loving_ the fact that I'm so annoyed about this whole ordeal, aren't you?"

I came around the corner in a red dress a few moments later, "I'm not loving that you're annoyed. I'm loving that you had the best intent at every turn and no part of this went in your favor. You told me I couldn't laugh about it last night, so I'm getting it all in now."

She turned to bury her head into my chest as I wrapped my arms around her, rocking us back and forth, "Be happy I love you, Emily."

"Or what?" I giggled again, briefly kissing the top of her head. "You know that this is funny as hell! Come on, look at me without smiling. Try and tell me that this isn't funny."

"It's not funny." She mumbled into my chest.

"Nope, look me in the eyes, babe. I won't believe you until you look me in the eyes."

She slowly raised her head, attempting to stay completely straight faced. "It's not – " But as I widened my eyes as she spoke, she collapsed against me laughing.

"See? I thought so. There's no need to not laugh about this, Ali." I curved my arms up her back, cupping her shoulder blades to fully envelope her as she looked up at me.

"I know, but it's embarrassing."

"You should never feel embarrassed around me. I had fun last night endlessly trying to roll that outfit down your torso and legs. I can see how you could be self-conscious about that, but 30 minutes earlier I had coated you in baby powder which, might I remind you, was _my_ suggestion." She kissed me softly, "So if anyone should be embarrassed, I think it's me for not even considering the mess that was bound to ensue."

"Okay... It's hard for me to be vulnerable around people."

"I'm not 'people' though, my love. When I said I was all-in nearly a month ago, I meant that I was all-in for every part of you. Your smile. Your laugh. Your tears. Your confidence. Your vulnerability. Your everything."

She scrunched her nose unsure of how to respond, "Give me time?"

"I'll give you all the time in the world to fall in love with yourself the way I've fallen in love with you. Don't worry about that, okay? I love you."

She settled back into my chest as she replied, "Love you too. Also, was that really almost a month ago?"

"It's a little bit of an exaggeration. Dinner Saturday will technically be a month since we met though."

"Only a month." She whispered, knowing that our thoughts were coinciding.

For as new as everything around us felt, it also felt familiar. As if us being together was something imprinted on my soul long before she was mine. It made me wonder what our bond may look like by Christmas or by Valentine's Day or even a year from now. If I felt so known by someone after four weeks, how much would she know in four months? It scared me and filled me with ecstasy all at once. I held her with power in my arms, feeling the same in return. We were inextricably linked, time not a factor in our pull.

"Ready to make breakfast? We have about 15 minutes. Just enough time to scarf down some eggs if you'd like them."

Alison popped her head up, excitedly, "Cheesy eggs?"

I laughed, kissing her forehead, "I think I can swing cheesy eggs this morning. Race downstairs? First one there gets coffee made for them?"

She nodded, stepping back for us to line up side by side in the bathroom. This was the second day we had decided to race, but it was quickly becoming my favorite pastime. "One."

"Two."

"Three!" She announced, crouching down lower before setting off down the hallway. I stood up as she took off, taking a quick look at my still-bare complexion. Grabbing my make-up bag off of the counter to complete it in the car, I heard Alison's voice downstairs, "I won!"

I smirked following her voice. I'd make her coffee every day for the rest of my life if that's what made her happy. Let's be honest, at this point I'd do just about anything if it made Alison happy. Because she made me the happiest woman in the world by just... being.

* * *

"So, tell me more about this fascination with women dressing more masculine?" I mumbled against her lips before feeling her fingers tighten around the back of my neck.

Alison had picked me up from work about 30 minutes earlier and as promised, I carved out my Wednesday afternoon for mowing the lawn. Everything had been going according to plan, having set out the salmon to thaw before running upstairs to change. Putting on baggier black and white speckled joggers, a neon sports bra, an oversized white shirt, and my faded light blue hat, I hustled back downstairs to get started. Alison was cutting up apples for a snack as I rounded the corner into the kitchen. I adjusted my hat backwards as I passed by her to get to the sliding glass door, trailing my hand across her back.

"You're really going to just walk right past me looking like that?" She turned her head as I grabbed a pair of sunglasses from the laundry room.

I put them on, meeting her gaze from a few feet away and smirking at her mouth agape, "Looking like what?"

"Let me see you up close." She asked despite it sounding more like a plea. I smiled, taking the sunglasses off to hang them from the neckline of my shirt. "Oh, fuck you. You know exactly what you're doing." We had both taken a few steps toward each other as she reached out to grab my shirt around its waist.

"And what's that?" I asked, now inches from her, Alison's hands already finding their way up my shirt.

She flirtatiously giggled against my chest before standing on her toes for a kiss. Because of the nature of our relationship early on, I hadn't yet seen this side of her. She was giddy, like a young teenager whose crush was showing interest for the first time. Her lips lingered on mine as she tested the waters, my hand coming up to hold her face instinctually. With me in tennis shoes and her barefoot, our already several inch height difference was more apparent as I felt her briefly whine while attempting to deepen the kiss.

My hands moved down her body, quickly cupping her ass before pulling away to whisper, "Jump." Her legs effortlessly wrapped around my figure as I opened my eyes to find the clearest spot on the countertop.

She leaned away as I set her down, pulling her thumb through my bottom lip before replacing it with hers. Her hand coming up to trace down my neck and collarbone with her fingertips and then settling on the nape of my neck.

"So, tell me more about this fascination with women dressing more masculine?" I mumbled against her lips before feeling her fingers tighten around the back of my neck.

"It's a confidence thing." She exhaled out before placing quick and forceful kisses against my neck. "You know you look hot right now. Don't lie to me." She kissed just below my left ear, sending chills down my side.

"Is that what you meant at the museum when you said that I'm not your usual type?"

She shook her head continuing to kiss my neck through her words, "I've only formally dated two girls before you. Both femme."

"Interesting..." I replied, my hands slowly working up the sides of my sweatshirt she was still wearing, "But you like this?"

"I _love_ this." She leaned away, propping her hands on the countertop on either side of her waist, "But I'll find you sexy in whatever you find sexy." She assured, unclipping my sunglasses from my shirt and putting them back on my face. "The more I've been with you this week, I've realized how much you actually do hate wearing nice outfits and dresses all the time. You carry yourself differently lounging at home. Like seeing your smile wearing this? This is what you would rather be wearing." I bashfully pushed her shoulder, "I'm right, aren't I? You can be a tomboy." She smiled, kissing my cheek as she continued, "You look cute as fuck with your long hair and hat on, and your joggers which perfectly accentuate your ass, and this little peek-a-boo bra situation you have going on. You're a babe, babe."

"I didn't know you could see that."

"See what? You happy? You're able to tell when one of your compliments doesn't quite stick based on my facial expressions, but I can't tell the difference in your smiles? How proudly you were beaming after your meeting this week versus Jacob giving you a nickname yesterday versus the smile you give me right before you kiss me? They're all different, Emmy."

I was suddenly shy. Being seen so plainly in front of her. It was an expected result of being willing to bare your soul with someone else. That overtime, they may read you better than you can read yourself. That in their eyes, they see all of you. I hadn't felt seen since my ex. I hadn't felt worthy of being seen. But in Alison's eyes, I knew that it was all I wanted. Her to see me flaws and all.

"As adorable as it is that you are tongue-tied over the fact that I know you nearly as well as you know me, I should probably stop distracting you."

"You always distract me."

"Flirt." She pushed my shoulder again while hopping down, "Go start. I'll bring your snack and some iced tea or something out in a minute."

About 30 minutes later, Alison walked out on the back porch with a cute little bell to alert me through the barrage of the lawnmower's that she had our snack ready. Quickly leaving my task behind, I ran up the short set of stairs to sit down. My hands had become dirty from trying to start the machine over and over again, so Alison sat on the arm rest to feed me, sneaking in a kiss every now and then between apple slices. I loved her in silence. The way we both sat appreciating the calm of the world around us by each other's side. My arm snaked around her waist while her finger constantly fumbled with the collar of my t-shirt. Even in our silence, we were only thinking of each other. Only thinking of us, and the beauty of it all.

* * *

Dinner and Alison's nightly Facetime with Jacob passed without mention and without Carter and her discussing anything from the night before. When they tabled a discussion for a future date, they didn't budge further. They were cordial and parents first, which I admired but feared I could never be able to do personally. It gave me more insight into Alison as a whole though. On Sunday, I hadn't realized how internalized her beliefs of shoving negative emotions down was. I hadn't seen how that childhood teaching had infiltrated her marriage and how she mothered. I hadn't processed that by altering those ideals even in the smallest of ways for me, she was unlearning 31 years of habits. It was no wonder she found it difficult.

As our first week living together came to an end, we decided to spend the evening simply. Embracing our time away from everything that came with us heading back to Philadelphia for the weekend. Alison laid on my chest, aimlessly tracing her finger up and down my torso in our silence. My left arm wrapped around her body as my lips rested effortlessly against her forehead. Every now and then, I would place a short kiss along her hairline, sending another absentminded wish into the air between us.

"What are you thinking about?" I whispered, the sound of my voice even catching me off guard due to the previous stillness.

She sighed, "I don't like leaving you." Her head tucked further into my side as I squeezed her hip tightly.

"Me either. It's hard every time, isn't it? Much harder than I anticipated at the start of all of this."

Alison glanced up toward me, "I'm happy I'm not alone in that then, but I'm sad that you're experiencing the same sort of preemptive emptiness that I am."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, sweeping her hair fully to her back for me to brush my fingers through.

"It's like every time I'm not with you, I lose some of myself until I'm in your arms again. Not in a way that I'm incomplete without you, but that I know I'm better with that part with me. You know? Part of me feels empty. And so this week has been nice because every time before this week, the future emptiness kind of haunted me in anticipation of it."

"That makes more sense... I'm sorry you feel that way."

"How does it make you feel, Em?"

"Hollow." I said it plainly, causing Alison's hand on my torso grip to my side. "Like it's just that much harder to breathe. I wouldn't say I lose some of myself. But I think instead, you take a piece of me with you. I trust you with a part of me that I know I won't get back until you're back with me too. And trusting someone like that again is really fucking scary." I exhaled through my final words, my voice cracking in my fear.

She kissed my collarbone in understanding, "I like that idea better though. The idea that I'm not losing something; I'm just waiting to gain it back again."

"Said like someone who hasn't been burned in a relationship before." I awkwardly laughed as silence filled the space again. "Have you ever been heartbroken?"

"I would assume that Carter serving me divorce papers is probably the closest I ever got. But I was really numb back then. I didn't process the fact that our marriage was over until after I officially signed. And by that point, what is there really to be heartbroken about? It's over."

"Okay, before that then? Never a broken heart?"

She shook her head, "Nope. I always broke off my previous relationships. I'd see the potential of trouble coming and would bow out." Alison's hand moved up to my face in reassurance, "I don't do that anymore. Promise."

"That's good." I chuckled, "What changed that for you?"

"Jacob's cancer." I felt her gulp against my chest, "I couldn't see that coming at all. I thought he just needed glasses or something. After that, any relationship troubles or life troubles seemed trivial. If I can make it through that, I can make it through anything." She exhaled, "I guess I lied then. Nearly losing Jacob broke my heart."

"I can understand that. Especially if you say you were numb afterwards, that's about how I felt."

"What's missing from it then? What don't I understand about why this process is so scary for you?"

"The betrayal." My fingers hesitated over their current place. Barely pausing as I went back into my memory before snapping back into reality to continue brushing through her hair. "The idea that someone I dedicated so much of my time to had the ability to discount all of that. It felt like fraud. Like I was swindled out of parts of my life. She robbed me, you know? Of my ability to trust again. Of how I used to love people. Of my ability to even know if I could love someone like I loved Ash again. Of my dreams of getting married."

I paused, gathering my thoughts in Alison's continued silence, "Sometimes I still have dreams – I guess nightmares – of her walking down the aisle toward me. And she would've been a beautiful bride, Alison, don't get me wrong. But she gets to the end, and I hold out my hand to start our life together and her hand goes right through mine. I can feel it. It passes through mine as if I never held her hand in the first place. And she ruined that shit for me. She ruined so much for so many years. So letting you go each week fucking sucks. Yeah, I think what I said first sums it up. I feel hollow when you leave. Because if I'm hollow, then if something happened to you or to us before we were back together, at least it wouldn't hurt anything. There'd be nothing left in me to hurt."

I exhaled looking away as I finished, willing the tears in my eyes to not fall. But Alison's hand caught my chin, "Don't let your thoughts take you away. Come back to me." I turned my head to find her dazzling smile, "There you are. Hi."

I laughed, "Hi."

"I'm sorry. I don't know if she ever said that to you, Emily. But I'm sorry you ever had to go through that. And I'm sorry you go through parts of that week after week. I don't know how I can help, baby. How can I help?"

"No, no. Don't you stress. You help me a little bit every single day. Soon enough, I'll be used to us coming and going, and it will be us and our relationship. It will just be."

"Okay." She pushed herself up with one hand to kiss the side of my nose, "Thank you for sharing."

I nodded, my stomach still churning from reliving my past, "Any questions about that stuff while we're on the topic. I don't know if I'll ever have the desire to bring her up again, so this might be your only shot."

"No, fuck her. You did say one thing though that caught me off-guard. You mentioned that she robbed you of your dreams of getting married... do you mean completely or like just with her?"

I knew this was coming. The moment those words left my mouth, I knew that they would come back around. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow. But this conversation was bound to happen. It was bound to make an impact.

"Umm, I don't know yet." I sighed in earnest.

"At the museum you mentioned though that you had always pictured yourself getting married."

"Yeah, at one point in time it is what I saw for my future."

"But now?" Her thumb was massaging just above my right breast, her hand relaxed on my chest despite the hesitation in her voice.

"But now..." And then her line of questioning hit me, "Oh God, is that super important to you? Getting married again?"

"If it's right, yeah. I've never seen myself as the type of person who could just be together with someone long-term."

"Not even as committed partners?" I felt my breath escaping me as I heard her reply.

"No, not really. I think marriage is beautiful, even if it didn't stick for me the first time around. I think I would want Jacob to see the power behind falling in love again. And knowing not to give up on it."

"I see that." My voice caught as I tried to speak again, "I don't – I don't want to mislead you. It's too early for the two of us to be discussing marriage in any case, but I honestly don't know if it's something I want. I could be, like I'm not firmly opposed to it. But it makes me hesitant."

"I mean, you were relatively traumatized. Your timidity is understandable. I want you to know that if at some point you do get to the point where you realize that you never want to be married. Like that there's no way you'd ever get there, I need you to tell me."

I nodded, kissing her forehead, "It'd be a deal breaker?"

"Probably, Em. I want Jacob to grow up in a family. I want my partner to experience the joy of a wedding day and the difference that does exist between commitment and marriage."

"Okay... I can do that. I do know some things about marriage for certain though."

"Do tell." She smiled, kissing my jaw as she settled back into me.

"I only ever wanted to be married once, so my hesitancy mostly has to do with the fact that I saw it so clearly with her. But, if someday I ever was ready to be married, I can't be the one to propose. I'll never be able to walk back in a ring shop without knowing it was for certain. Because my anxiety destroyed me last time." I started shaking my head just thinking about the weight of that ring I carried in my pocket for so many months. "I – I – I can't do that to myself again. It would scare me to be in that vulnerable of a position."

"Definitely. I wouldn't put you in that position, Em." She rolled over to be propped on my chest above me. "How about this? No more marriage talk. Until you're ready. The next conversation we have about it will be you letting me know if you're ready or if you never will be. Whenever that is. And that's the only decision I need you to make, baby. From that point on, it'll be in my hands. Okay?" She brushed hair from my face, searching my eyes for some form of encouragement.

"I can do that." I leaned up to kiss her gently, "Does that scare you? That you might be in a relationship with someone that will never be ready for marriage."

"A little. But in no way is that fear equivalent to how much I love you. It doesn't make me want to change your mind; it makes me want to show you that betrayal will never be a part of my vocabulary. And maybe through that continued devotion and support, you can find a way to trust me with an idea that scares you so much now."

"I was incredibly afraid that this would lead to an argument." I exhaled.

"It's new information to me, sure. But it would do no good to be upset by it. I have to trust this just like you trust me with returning the piece of yourself I take each time I leave."

Alison placed her hands on either side of my face, brushing my cheeks with her thumbs as I replied, "What did I do right in this world to end up here?"

"I ask myself the same question. But some questions don't have answers, Emmy. Some things just are."

* * *

The hollowness settled in after dropping Alison off at Penn Station in Baltimore the next morning. Despite receiving the text just over an hour later that she had made it safely. Despite our phone call during my lunch break. Despite knowing I would see her in 24 hours. It was a feeling I hadn't learned to shake. How to move forward without her beside me.

I ate leftovers once I got home a little after 8, extending my hours once again to potentially leave at a decent hour tomorrow afternoon. The house was quiet. Her laugh no longer echoing down the hallway. Her energy no longer pulsing through the walls. I hesitated walking up to bedroom out of fear that her not being there would be enough to make me turn around. That without her there, it wouldn't feel like my space at all. But as I turned the corner on my way to change for the night, I saw a small note tented on my pillow. With Alison being the last one downstairs this morning, I figured this was another attempt at her being sickeningly adorable from afar.

_Note #1_

_October 31, 2019_

_Hi cutie,_

_When you fell asleep next to me last night, I stayed awake unsettled at the thought of you feeling 'hollow' all day today. I don't like that's the word you picked because I want nothing more than for you to feel fulfilled. For you to feel as much a part of me when we're not together as when we are. I thought these notes might be a start. So, here's note #1 of many more to come. If even one of these makes you smile, I've done my job. My goal in the future is for these to be 100 words or less. Keep them concise but important. Because I had to explain this whole journey, don't count these words okay. The real note starts..._

_NOW. I know it's only 36 hours apart, but I miss you already. I sprayed my perfume over my pillow this morning in case you think it may help you sleep tonight. I'll be thinking of you all day today, Emmy. The plan is for me to call when I get home after treat-or-treating (potentially still in the cat suit, just for you). I'll see you tomorrow. I'm keeping my piece of you 100 percent safe until then. Don't worry. Love you, baby. (That was only 83...I want to use all 100 words though, so I guess I'll also say -)_

I smiled counting out the words in the last paragraph one at a time until reaching one hundred words exactly. Her sense of humor seeping through them. I fell back on the bed reaching for her pillow like she had mentioned. And as I brought the pillow up to my nose, I felt another piece of paper taped to the back.

_Note #2_

_October 31, 2019_

_Did you think I'd leave you hanging like that? That'd be cruel. (But I do hope it made you laugh.) Here's hoping you found this before bed and weren't sad enough to immediately reach for my pillow after reading the first note. If it's the latter though, it's okay. I would've done the same. I think it's cuter if you're reading this before we've even talked tonight. It can hold you over until I call. Anyways, I promise these will get better as time goes on. I did just see you though, so there's less to work with. Love, Ali._

Rolling over to lie on top of her pillow, I pulled out my phone to send her a quick _'I love you'_ before packing. Alison had warned ahead of time that the restaurant we were headed to on Saturday night was a course-based restaurant in which there was a dress code. I quickly Googled _La Maison_ _Philadelphia_ to look up specifics and packed a black jumpsuit, gold necklace, and heels for the occasion. Their menu looked extensive and nothing concerned me more than the fact that I would be essentially trapped at dinner for 6 courses. But Alison's mom liked me and her father... revered me? So I attempted to quell my anxiety while packing more clothes until I heard the ringer of my phone from where it was charging by my bed.

I skipped toward the sound, falling back onto the bed and accepting the call before even looking at the name, "Please tell me that you're are still in that fucking sexy ass cost – "

" – EM!" Alison desperately shouted from the other side of the call as I finally looked at the screen to see Carter over her shoulder, trying to look away and laugh. Alison stood mouth gaping at my lack of awareness.

"I am so sorry." I blushed, covering my eyes with my other forearm. "Let me die right here."

"You're fine, Emily." Carter spoke from behind her, "She does look great, but don't worry. I've only looked respectfully. Promise."

Alison turned and shoved Carter's shoulder still in his red, green, and yellow Robin costume as they both settled onto the same love seat Carter had been sitting on days before.

"Thanks, Carter." I replied, still fully embarrassed as Alison held back her own laughter staring at me. "How did trick-or-treating go?"

"It went well. Jacob completely wore himself out and requested to sleep in his Batman costume." She looked to her right, "Good luck getting him out of that in the morning before school."

"Yeah, thanks." He nudged Alison to continue, not wanting to open the door to the conversation.

"Right. Emmy, we're calling to discuss Tuesday. Are you in a good spot to chat? If you'd rather do this with me by your side, Carter's fine waiting until tomorrow."

I sat up to lean against my headboard, "No, no. We can do it now."

"Great." Carter replied, "First up, I need to apologize to you. Alison was right on Tuesday; my frustration came from my own insecurity with the issue, not true anger toward you. I appreciate you being there for him when he asked. I'm sorry about that, for real."

"No, it's cool. Even when I was talking to him, it didn't feel right you two not knowing about it. I knew there would be consequences, but I decided making Jacob feel comfortable was more important in the moment. Thank you though."

"I talked to Alison when she came over tonight, and we both decided that you should be a part of this conversation. We have briefly discussed but haven't come to any decisions. I really do respect your opinion being a part of this. When I said that you weren't his mother on Tuesday –"

"I mean, I'm not his mother, Carter. I told you Saturday, I would never try to take that place in his life."

"And I get that. I get that. But Al and I were talking and if you and her are long-term, at some point he's bound to see you at least as a mother figure. That's kind of his call for the most part. But – "

Alison interjected, "But if that's the case, Em. If there's even a chance that at some point he may consider you one of his parents, then we need to include you in our conversations."

" _Some_ of our conversations." Carter reemphasized.

I laughed at Alison's glare over her shoulder at him, causing Carter to shirk back smaller, "Regardless, this is conversation we think you should be a part of. Because of your initial involvement but also because we do need your medical perspective. Is this okay with you?"

"I'm comfortable with whatever you two are, sweetie. I will be involved as much or as little as you want me to be."

"Cool." Carter inhaled, shaking out his shoulders, obviously nervous.

"I must say, the two of you look hysterical having this serious conversation while in superhero gear. Parents of the Year right here for sure." I commented, sending a laugh through them.

"I knew I should've brought a change of clothes. But because I didn't, Carter remained in his for moral support." She paused, "Okay, we figured that the best place to start with this was from the medical side of things. Is it like even recommended to be telling kids at his age about the seriousness of the disease he overcame?"

"It depends on the kid. It all comes down to maturity and their initial understanding of mortality, which is a lot to ask of a 7 year old."

Carter nodded, "I think that's what irks me the most to be honest, Emily. Alison and I had to deal with him going downhill multiple times, and I don't want him to live in that same space that we were forced into. It seems like a lot to place on his naivete."

"The only potential rebuttal I would have is that he asked you if he could get sick again, babe." Alison added, looking back at her ex. "Wouldn't that mean he remembers that time in his life?"

"But he only mentioned the symptoms he was having, Al. He didn't mention being on oxygen or the days he spent in ICU or any of those critical times. I don't want to remind him of something that severe if he doesn't remember it."

"Then let's wait for that, okay? Let him lead it there. But that still doesn't address the fact, Car, that he won't even come to us about it in the first place."

I sat silently, watching them continue to discuss. Trying to figure out the best way to talk about his cancer without completely outing the fact that I immediately told his parents after he confided in me.

"Do you mind if I interject?" I stepped them mid-discussion as Alison nodded my way, "I'm fine with telling Jacob that I told you two. I have the least amount of trust to break with him. Maybe I could then open up the conversation that the things he discussed with me are okay to talk to you about too?"

Carter scoffed, "You _would_ want to be there."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Alison asked from beside him.

"You know exactly what that means, Alison. She just finished saying that she would be involved as much or as little as we, me and you, wanted her to be. And Emily's _next point_ is including herself in a conversation we had already intended on having alone?"

I rolled my eyes, his insinuation sending my blood boiling, "It's fine if your apology earlier was fake, Carter. It would make more sense seeing as I don't like you much either."

"Emily!" Alison snapped before turning back to Carter. "What the fuck?"

"I'm fine with this shit being determined between the three of us. I get her being involved in this scenario. Sorry, _Emily_ being involved, but we've done fine for 7 years talking to our fucking son without her being there."

"It was an offer; consider it rescinded." I retorted before mumbling, "Dick."

Alison held one finger up between Carter and her phone screen, silencing us both before continuing, "Here's what's what. You two don't have to like each other, okay? The same way, Car, that me and you don't have to like each other. We aren't doing this for each other. We aren't sitting here right now so that we can all meet up later to go hold each other's hands and skip through life like it isn't fucking difficult. Carter, you know better. Emily, I'll call you before bed. But both of you need to get your shit together. This is for Jacob's benefit. Whatever will benefit Jacob benefits us, so I frankly don't give a damn if you _want_ Emily there or not on Sunday. If her being the one to introduce the topic will make the conversation easier for us in the long run, then that's what we'll fucking do. Understood?"

"Understood." Carter whispered.

"Emily?"

"Understood."

"So, let's rewind. Damn. Fucking three children I'm having to deal with." Alison mumbled, closing her eyes to get back on track.

"Look, I want her input, but she acts like being a "doctor" gives her a leg up in this conversation. And it may mean something to your family and all the people that applaud the work she does, but it doesn't mean shit to me right now. I don't know what I was thinking wanting to include her, Al. She doesn't know what we want for him. She hasn't experienced what we've experienced. What good does this do? Since you two started dating, we've argued more. I'm just trying to find the disconnect here. Because it doesn't appear to be a disconnect with me..."

He spoke as if I wasn't in the room. As if the place Alison was carving out for me wasn't a place for me at all. It brought me back to the boardroom conversations, where I had been fighting for a voice my entire tenure as a medical professional. I knew how to fight back with credentials. I knew how to stay strong in front of a group of men who underestimated me and my abilities. But in this scenario. A scenario in which I was sincerely doing what I thought would be best for everyone involved, my intentions were being discredited and labeled as manipulation or farce. And I couldn't fight. I knew I couldn't stand up for myself like I usually would. It would lead to more arguing. It would lead to more divisiveness. It would lead to Alison potentially losing trust in me as well.

"I need you to stop." Alison replied curtly before turning back to me, "Emily, could you at least, I don't know, maybe write down some things to say. You know, based on your experience that we could use to open up the conversation with him, just us two."

"Experience..." He muttered as Alison, stood up to walk away from the conversation.

"Of course. I'll have it ready by Sunday." I sighed, suddenly feeling ill. "Ali? Do you guys need anything else from me for this? I don't –" Trying to get the words out made my eyes water as I quickly wiped under them. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, do what you need, babe. I'll call you when I get home." I watched her eyes fill with worry as she turned back to put Carter in frame.

I nodded as more tears started falling, "And Carter? I wasn't trying to be invasive. I'm only trying to help. I –"

"Don't worry about it, Emmy." Alison interrupted, not wanting to give Carter a chance to speak again. "I'll talk to you soon. Promise. I love you."

"Love you too." I gasped out before hanging up and running to the toilet out of fear of needing to vomit.

I hated unfinished conversations. I hated being interrupted. I hated being belittled and slighted and antagonized without the ability to hold my own. I had lived in a world where men ignored me for who they deemed to hold more value. I refused for my work to be insulted by him. For my title to be mocked as though the work completed by people in my exact position isn't what saved his son 3 years ago. As though my work and my experience weren't needed or valid. The insinuation that somehow my presence made Alison a more difficult co-parent. When my every moment with her had revealed that making Alison more in touch with her emotions instead of shutting down led to her being able to be a better parent. To seek to be a better person. To want to open up to her son in any way she could. His accusations made me sick. And my inability to speak up for myself out of respect for the woman I loved killed me inside.

* * *

My phone rang again over an hour later, a little before 11. She was already out of her costume, showered, and dressed in her robe. She had gotten out of her costume on purpose. It was a statement. I knew it was. I answered the phone without a greeting. I could feel that she needed to speak. Even through the phone, I knew I wasn't in the position to start things off.

She sighed seeing my puffy eyes, "I can't do that again, Emily." That's all she said as she stared at me, rubbing her eyes as her mouth moved toward a pout, her bottom lip quivering. "I can't be put in the middle like that. It's too hard for me to try and balance all of this if you can't keep it together around him. I know he can be obnoxious and stubborn and insensitive. But he's my child's father. In a discussion involving you that's about our son, Carter will win." Her voice squeaked as she shrugged in honesty, knowing it would hurt. "Every time. That's not because I think he'll always give the best opinion between you two or because he deserves any sort of praise from me. It's because it's what's best for Jacob. I can't do that again. It's not fair for you to do that to me." I nodded as she kept talking, knowing that her tears were a sign of caring too much. She gulped. "But he shouldn't have said any of that Em. I can talk to him over and over again, but it's going to take him time. But I watched your heart stop beating and your eyes sink as he undermined you. I told him it wasn't okay, but I – I understand if you can't put up with that. I understand if that was the moment where I... fuck. Where I lost." Her hand fell against her chest unable to even say the words. "My body revolts even trying to say that. All I want is for this to work, Emmy. All I want is for my relationship with both of you to be manageable side by side. Carter has no incentive to make that happen; you do. For me, please. I – I can't lose you. Not like this, not because of him. I don't want to fight with you about this either. It hurts my heart too much to think that something so trivial could – could –. You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time, and I love you more than I can put into fucking words." She struggled to find a breath as she continued breaking down, "But I can't do that again, Emily. I can't sit between you two and be the voice of reason. It's like you said Sunday. Fights shouldn't be fights between people who have the same end goal. I need us on the same page. I need us together, baby. I need you on my team. I need... you." Her voice had been cracking the past few sentences as she slowly became more and more despondent. "I'm so sorry. For all of this. I fucked up. I fucked this up. I'm fucked up."

I didn't know how to reply as she crumbled at the edge of her bed, sitting on the floor against the frame, leaned against her night stand. She looked defeated. The woman I had known to balance it all, to juggle it all had been foiled by my inability to get over Carter's insensitivity.

"Say something." She mumbled, wrapping her arm around the leg of her side table, her legs pulling up into her chest, revealing parts of her body through her robe which she seemed indifferent to.

"Are you okay? Do you need me to come there? I'll call in sick; I'll do whatever you need me to do, Alison. What happened?"

"I'm just – " Her face fell again as I lost her in more tears. She opened her mouth to say more, but I knew right then that I need to be with her. She wasn't okay, no matter how she would plead otherwise later on. I threw my toiletries in my pre-packed bag and ran downstairs. I was walking to my car before Alison even opened her eyes again. "Everything's just hitting me all at once."

"Okay. I understand that, sweetheart. What happened with Carter once I let you go?"

She continued to heave. "He – He – can't have any fucking conversation. He gets too emotional and can't bring it back. So we always have to table it. I don't know." Her eyes adjusted to the overhead light in my car shining down on me as I connected my phone to its holder while just leaving my neighborhood. "What are you doing?"

"What am _I_ doing? Look at yourself, baby, I'm driving to you."

"No, Em. Don't."

"Alison, I don't know what's going on with you right now. But this feels like a breakdown of some sort, and I don't want you to be alone for it. Like you said, you need us to be on the same team. If we're going to work through everything swirling through your head right now, I need to be by your side. We're not going to get anywhere except you crying yourself to sleep tonight over the phone. I'll be there in an hour and a half."

"Okay." Her voice cracked again, starting to stand up, "I'll put your key under the doormat. We can put your car in the garage tomorrow."

I looked up at the screen as she began speaking more rationally, "That sounds good. When you get back to your room, sweetheart, get in bed, okay? I'm going to stay on the phone with you but lay down for me." She nodded, keeping me on her bedside table as she went downstairs. Less than five minutes later, I could hear her footsteps in the distance. "I got some water."

"That sounds like a good idea. Do you want to get in bed?"

She nodded, adjusting herself under her comforter and propping me up against her pillow. "I don't know what happened. Tonight was supposed to be a good night. Like I walked into his house, and he immediately was talking about wanting to apologize, and getting your input. He kept saying that he just got 'riled up'. I don't – he told me more about your conversation at the park and how sincere he believed you to be. But then..."

She pouted once again, bringing her hands up to her face. I felt helpless. I was part of the cause, and she was still willing to tell me. She was being insanely vulnerable. And I realized that I might be the first person in her life that would let this breakdown be possible. I might be the only person she had ever confided in. Really and deeply confided in.

"Ali, I want you to know that I love you. You're not going to lose me, okay? We're going to work out whatever is happening right now. Whatever I said. Whatever Carter said. It's going to be alright. I don't like that your heart is hurting right now, sweetheart. I think all of the weight you've been carrying is finally starting to make you crack a bit. So, I'm coming to take care of you. Don't worry. We can deal with all of this tomorrow."

"We're okay? You didn't hang up because you were mad at me talking to you that way? I was really insensitive, Emmy."

"Of course, we're okay." I inhaled, before lowering my voice, "Close your eyes for me. Just listen to my voice, okay? Everything else is not important right now. Whatever burden you're carrying right now in regard to me, you are forgiven. Whatever it is, sweetheart. Let it go tonight. I have you. I'm coming. You're not alone. You are loved. You are strong. You are worthy. And you are mine. Is alright if I pray for you right now?"

She nodded as more tears fell from her squeezing her eyes. Her lip trembling again in pain.

"God, please be with Alison tonight. Cover her with your grace and allow her to find peace during this internal battle. Reassure her that her value doesn't come from her ability to hold everything together. She is valuable regardless because she was crafted with a purpose in your image. I pray that she knows she is enough. Exactly as she is tonight, God. She is enough. Remind her she is safe and beautiful and whole. No matter what the voices inside her head are telling her tonight, console her fears and worries. Allow her rest knowing that all of this is a part of your plan. Grant her peace in knowing that my love for her is never ending. That I am by her side through this and through anything. Let her know that it's okay, God. That everything will be okay because in You, there is promise. There is peace. There is salvation. I pray that you protect her until I arrive and that you protect me through the rest of the journey. We ask you all these things in your name. Amen."

I let silence fill the car as Alison's face began relaxing in front of me. I started humming to fill the line with noise as I continued my drive in the darkness, counting down the miles until I knew she was okay. No part of me questioned my decision, and as I pulled into her driveway a little over an hour later, I sent Emmanuel a text.

**_Sorry for the late notice, but I'm going to have to use some of my PTO for today. Need a personal day. All is well. See you Monday._ **

The key was under the mat like she mentioned, and I tried to make as little sound as possible climbing the stairs before setting my bag down in her room. I watched as my body entered the frame of her phone, startling me briefly before realizing that it was just me. I chuckled reaching over her to hang up the call and plug her phone in to charge. Her breath was escaping her lips delicately. A small snore making its way through every now and again as I walked around to the other side of the bed just after 1 in the morning.

Before tilting the bed frame, I started to whisper, "Alison, it's me. I'm about to get in the bed. Don't be startled. It's only me."

And as her eyes opened, she smirked while scooting toward my side of the bed, "You couldn't stay away from me for more than a day, could ya?"

"I'd never even dream of it, beautiful." I curled my body toward her, my hands reaching for her face to ensure her eyes were dry. "Are you okay?"

"I will be." She kissed me softly and slowly, barely tracing my bottom lip with her tongue as she rotated in my arms.

Her back curved into me while my arms draped under her neck and over her waist, enveloping her in my embrace. She hummed into me as I started to speak once more, "Let go of whatever you're holding onto tonight, my love. I'm right here. You are worthy. You are valuable. You are loved. I have you, and I'm never letting you go. I love you."

I repeated those last three words, my voice getting softer with every repetition. Allowing the words to fill the space around us. Until she found enough security to fall asleep in my arms.

* * *

**A/N: My newest story, _Promise Me Tomorrow_ , now has its first 2 chapters up on my Patreon! Access allows you an inside look at my writing, including polls for upcoming projects, request abilities, early-access to chapters, and of course, exclusive original stories of your favorites. If interested, find me over there under the username secretpen28! Also, big shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon! :)** **Thank you for everyone who even checks out the page, it means a lot.**

**Part 2 of this chapter comes out Thursday! How are you all liking it so far? How's everyone feeling about Carter? About Emison? About Alison attempting to not fall between Emily and Carter at all? Let me know! :)**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	16. Shattered Edges Glisten - Part 2

**A/N: Sorry this is a little late in the day. Work was a hell hole. :)**

\---

I woke up feeling her trying to catch her breath as she clung to my hands curled around her chest. She apologized when she felt me move to be closer to her, but deeply exhaled at my arms wrapping around her more tightly again.

She kissed one of my fingers, whispering, "I'm happy you're here."

I removed one of my hands from her hold to trace down her right leg, "Me too. I was too worried about you. We can stay here as long as you need. Okay?" She tried catching her breath, inhaling through pursed lips as she exhaled exasperatedly. "You're doing a good job, baby. You can cry more if you need to. There's no need to shove this down. You can feel it. It's okay to feel it. We have nothing to do until tomorrow. We can be here all day if that's what you need."

"Feeling like I can't breathe is making me hot." She mumbled, extending her legs and kicking them to get some air under the comforter. "Can you help?" She whispered, rolling her shoulders for her robe to fall down her back.

"Yep." I replied, sliding my hand from underneath her neck so that I could help take off her robe, discarding it on the floor behind us. She shivered at the sudden chill in the air going down her back from space now between us. "I'm back. I'm back." I whispered, wrapping myself around her now nude figure, running my hand up and down her side as my left hand slid back underneath her neck to hold her hand.

"Thank you."

She let it hang there. Both of us knowing what it encompassed. Thank you for helping. Thank you for being here. Thank you for coming. Thank you for not running. Thank you for it all.

I kissed her shoulder blade, my nose running up the back of her neck as she curled further into me. No words exchanged. No words needed to be exchanged to know that this was where our power was. Our strength as a couple came from our ability to be there. To seek connection and understanding above being right. Above needing absolving to move forward. Forgiveness seeped through our actions and our silence. Being there included all the words we would ever need.

Over ten minutes later, she started speaking, unsure if I was even awake until she felt my nose nuzzle against her back again, "I don't think it's the best idea to have you around Carter for a bit. I don't know what it will take to fix whatever is broken between Carter and I when it comes to you, but it's not safe for you or for us to be objected to that. He asked that you not come to church this Sunday. That you not be there for our conversation with Jacob." She paused, "I don't want to cause a scene, Emily..."

"So, you agreed with him?"

She kissed the top of my hand, "Yeah, I did. I told him that I would talk to you about it."

"What will you tell Jacob? I already promised that I'd be there on Sunday."

"I thought of that." She replied, lacing our hands together. "I'm going to pick Jacob up tomorrow before dinner for us all to see each other and hang out. Carter has to get ready for his next work trip in Vancouver anyways, so it works perfectly."

"Yep. Alright. Whatever you need." I closed my eyes in complacency behind her. I hated this. "I'm sorry for calling Carter a dick and telling him that I didn't care for him. I antagonized him. It won't happen again."

"I'm going to hold you to that. I'm not upset at you. He was being a dick, and you don't care for him. But I really can't do that again, Em. I meant what I said last night." I replied with a singular kiss on the side of her neck. "What are you thinking? You'd usually say more, but I can't see your face. So, I can't be for certain."

I started my comments off calmly, but quickly devolved into anger as my frustration from the night before starting coming back to the surface, "I think it's bullshit that I'm being ostracized from the only place in my life I've previously been ostracized from. That somehow my presence in his pew is enough for him to not be able to hold it together. That his fucking fragility is so feeble that he can't put shit aside for his son. That he even had the audacity to blame me for whatever disconnect there is between the three of us. That he ridiculed me and my profession in front of you and knew that I would shut the fuck up because you ask me to get it together. That I respect your wishes more than a man you shared your heart with for over five years. That he kept. fucking. talking. That he has the ability to make these decisions for us and you go along with him out of fear. It's all bullshit, Alison. Not you or your reaction. But him knowing he has the power in this scenario and is using it to manipulate me and you. This will effect Jacob whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not. And that's the worst part of it. That I love your son." I gulped into her shoulder. "That I love him and yet my time with him is being taken from me. That's what I'm thinking. That this isn't fair for Jacob. Fuck how I feel. This isn't fair for him."

"No, it's not. Sometimes adult issues bleed into kid issues though. It's part of being a parent. Knowing that what might not be fair at the time may be best in the long run. And right now Emmy, I can't have him see you or his dad blow up in front of him. Jacob needs to see things between the three of us as stable. So until that is, whatever that ends up taking, we need to create the safest environment for him. Right now, that involves you and Carter being separated."

"I'm going to church next week, Alison."

"Em – "

"No. Next week is Christmas photos after church. I'm doing the photos, so I'm doing church."

"You're doing the photos?" She asked with a smile in her voice.

"I'm giving him a week. He can process whatever the fuck he needs to over the next ten days. But I'm not missing the opportunity to make memories for us. I'm not letting him impact our relationship. I can ignore him just fine; he can do the fucking same."

"Okay... we can let my parents know. Maybe they can work something out with the timing or?"

"I can be there with him. If he wants to fuck with the timing because he can't be a grown ass adult about this, then that's on him. I'll make it abundantly clear tomorrow at dinner that I have no issues being around Carter." I exhaled. "Sorry, I'll move on. Back to you." I wrapped my arms back around her as she hummed in delight.

"I love you, Em. So much."

"I love you too. We need to get back to the break down last night though. I don't know what that was."

"Me either. I think it was a panic attack, maybe?"

"That would explain your thoughts swirling like that. You were jumping from thing to thing and fixating. It was really scary, baby. Does that happen to you a lot?"

"No, not usually." She pulled my hands up underneath her chin, further protecting herself.

"I understand you saying that, but this is the second one you've had this week. Sunday was the same way. You couldn't catch your breath then either. Your words were repeating. Is this something new that's started?"

"I haven't had them in years, Emily. Not since the cancer..."

"That makes sense. You have a lot going on right now. You're trying to do a lot. Have you taken medication for it in the past?"

"Yeah..." her voice waned. "It's why I went numb."

"What do you mean?"

"It stopped the panic attacks, but it sent me into a depression. So, I got off of it after the divorce. I didn't like it."

"We can look into other options, sweetheart."

"Can we wait? If I have another one, we can talk about it. I want to try and manage it. I've spent so long managing it."

"Of course." I kissed her temple, propping myself over her body as she rolled over onto her back to look up at me. "I don't just want you to manage though, I want you to thrive." I brought my thumb up to her cheek, tracing her natural rouge as she leaned to kiss the tip of my thumb.

"Did you get my note?" She looked up at me, her eyes looking whole again for the first time since last night.

"Notes." I replied, kissing her nose gently.

She laughed, tossing her head back and making me glow, "I _knew_ you'd go for the pillow right away. You're so predictable."

"I love the 100 word limit. Makes every word that more special."

"And we're alright?" Alison tilted her head, reaching for my face.

"You have got to stop asking that, Ali." I chuckled. "We're alright."

"Even though I called you 'another one of my fucking children' last night?"

"I was thrown off for sure. But you getting upset while in that cat suit was – dare I say – sexy?"

She shoved my shoulder, making me off balance propped on my hand and causing me to collapse to her side. "Sexy? I was trying to put my foot down! I needed you to focus, Emmy."

"I mean, I was definitely focused. Don't worry for one second about that, baby." I leaned forward leaving long kisses up her collar bone as Alison's hands moved to either side of my body, one hand trailing down my leg while the other grabbed my ass delicately through my shorts.

"You're a mess." She whispered as she exhaled, a groan escaping when my teeth grazed just below her neck.

"Correction." I pulled away to look back into Alison's baby blues. "A hot mess."

"Hot?"

She rolled her eyes pulling my body closer to hers and making me squeal as I replied, "You fucking know it." Before showering her with small pecks all over her face, allowing her giggle to echo in the minimal space between us.

* * *

"So your dad wasn't fucking with me when he said this place only had 16 seats?" I asked, grabbing for her hand as we stepped foot into the small foyer.

"He certainly was not." She spun toward me, looking me over before straightening the necklace falling down the plunging neckline of my black jumpsuit. "You look amazing, Emmy."

"Same to you." I adjusted the sleeve on her royal blue dress, before tucking one ringlet of hair behind her left ear. "There you go. Perfect."

"You ready?" Alison whispered, as the maître d stepped toward us, "Michelle!" Alison announced, causing me to jump. She knew this woman? She stepped forward, letting go of my hand to wrap her in a hug before turning back toward me. "This is Emily."

"Emily. It is nice to meet you. Michelle, front of house manager tonight and part owner of La Maison. Welcome."

"Yes. Great to meet you as well, Michelle." I shrugged looking over at Alison baffled as she trying to contain her laughter.

"I just finished seating your parents. We have you all at the chef's table tonight. If you'll follow me."

"The chef's table?" I bumped Alison's side as we walked.

"That means we're seated in the kitchen."

"IN the kitchen?" I asked as we walked through the door opening, revealing in fact, the full kitchen with a semi- circle booth located to the side behind a glass window. "Right. In the kitchen. Okay."

"Be cool." She looked over her shoulder before giving me a wink. "Hi Mommy."

Alison's parents both inched their way out from the table to wrap their daughter in their arms. As Mrs. DiLaurentis started letting go, she waved behind Alison's back toward me.

"Emily, I have been looking forward to this all week. It's so great to finally have this time together after meeting on Sunday. Alison has only shared great things."

She hugged me dearly as I reciprocated, "It's great to see you both as well. Thank you for having me."

As we walked to the table, Alison held my hand, lifting it to help me into the booth first before sliding in next to me. I kissed her temple once we were both settled, whispering a thank you as her father interrupted.

"I must say I'm quite surprised Alison held onto to someone of your caliber for this long. When we met at the luncheon, I was positive that you were much too out of her league to make it this far."

Alison choked on her water while I reached for her hand, unsure of how to reply. Mrs. DiLaurentis ignored the comment and chose to move forward. But the words had been said and couldn't be taken back. I tried to meet Alison's eyes to see if she was alright, but the stony look on her face reaffirmed to me that these comments were nothing new. Other than being caught off guard, she wasn't shocked at all.

"So, sweetheart. Tell me about you guys. You stayed with Emily for the first time this week, right?"

Alison exhaled, "Yeah, it went pretty well. I mean," she brought the back of my hand up to her lips to kiss, "Emily was incredibly sweet. She bought me a desk to be able to do my work in the guest room. She emptied out some photo frames so that I can add pictures of my own around the living room and kitchen. We cooked together and spent quiet nights out on her patio. We enjoyed ourselves, right?"

I nodded, "We definitely did." I exhaled looking around the space, "This quite the set-up. Ken mentioned that you both were investors when this opened."

"Were we, Kenny?" Jessica looked over her shoulder and Ken nodded. She chuckled, "He's such an investor that I'm not always sure where his little ventures are. This is one of our favorite spots in town though when we have the opportunity to come. To give you some info, this is a 6-course prix-fixe menu with wine pairings. So we'll do appetizer, soup, salad, main course, cheese, and then dessert. Ken and I know what Alison enjoys so we pre-selected, but do you have any dietary restrictions?"

"No restrictions. I am not a big fan of mushrooms though."

"Good to know. Do you mind if Ken and I choose for you as well then?" She asked as the waitress approached.

"Not at all." And at that very mention, Ken leaned toward the waitress, whispered some selection and then she quickly walked away. "Thank you again."

"Oh, of course, Emily. Any one important to our Ali is important to us as well. Dinners like this are so appreciated after a long week, you know?"

"Speaking of, Mom? How is everything in Chicago going?" Alison leaned forward, wrapping her arm around my waist as we settled in. As her mom cleared her voice, Alison turned to whisper, "My Nana is in hospice there."

"Things are okay... You know Nana has been struggling for a quite a while. It's hard having my entire family out there but knowing that you all are back here every week."

"So you're there all week?"

Jessica nodded, "Just about. I usually come back here for 3 or 4 days and then am out there for that same amount. My mother requires a lot of care even with all the specialists that work with her daily. Oh, one second." She paused as the waitress approached the table to introduce the first course.

"Okay, everyone. For our appetizer tonight, we have a Royal Kaluga Caviar served with Maine lobster, avocado mousse, and melba toast. The wine we are pouring in your glasses is a Blanc de Noirs out of Champagne, France. Please let me know if you have any questions for me or Chef Blanchet."

Alison whispered as our wine was being poured, "Do you want to do a small toast together for each course? I'll go first, and we can go back and forth?"

"Sounds cute. Do you have one already in mind?" She nodded, picking up her glass, "Go for it then, babe."

"Here's to officially one month together. One of the best stretches of time in my life... I love you."

"To one month. Love you too."

She leaned forward to kiss me briefly, pulling back to look at her parents who were openly staring at us. "Sorry. It's been a month since we met. Just doing a cheers."

"Not even your mother and I kiss in public."

Alison shrugged, "Oh and look at that! Looks like we're not you guys." She took a sip of wine continuing, "Just so you know, Em. They didn't like when Carter and I kissed either. This isn't a prejudice thing."

"It's an etiquette thing." Jessica replied as she trailed off, leading to me picking up the conversation where previously ended.

"Being a caretaker is such a strenuous job, Jessica. I really admire your tenacity. I'm sure that your mom appreciates it so much."

"Oh, why thank you, Emily. I'm sure you would do the same with your mother. Anyone would." Ken reached over hearing the crack in his wife's voice. He was a much quieter man than I had anticipated after the luncheon.

"You know, I did finish making my way through your doctoral thesis this week, Emily."

I nodded, picking up my water, "Oh, you did finish it. I know that the topic is quite mundane."

"On the contrary, it was a good change of pace from the mediocrity of the books being published these days. The most fascinating part to me was how rapidly and efficiently the bacterium you all tested adapted to the conditions of the experiment. Do you find that in practice that cancer cells adapt at that same rate?"

"Well, our experiment produced heightened conditions compared to the human body. For example, we're able to add new conditions at a much higher rate that what the human body can create in that same period of time. So, usually, no. That's not to say though that cancer can't multiply and metastasize overnight."

Jessica laughed, "In laymen's terms for the rest of us?"

"Oh, of course. I'm sorry." I chuckled as Alison snuggled into my side, "We're discussing the rate that cancer is able to spread through the body, or metastasis. The bacteria we tested at UT Austin were able to adapt and change their properties incredibly rapidly. So I was just saying that typically, no cancer doesn't spread or adapt to treatment that fast."

"You've seen it happen before though, babe?"

"During residency for sure." I replied, "I've seen patients have a body scan on Friday where their abnormal white cell count is at about 2 percent, an incredibly good number. And then we're gone that weekend and over a period of days, they're now in ICU and the body scan we do Monday shows an abnormal white cell count of 98 percent. Sometimes when it's someone's time to go, it's their time to go."

"I don't like that idea..." Jessica's voice trailed. "You must be incredibly strong to deal with what you do day to day and then compartmentalize that to be able to come home."

Compartmentalize. The coping mechanism engrained in my girlfriend for the better part of her life. The reason for her sudden panic attacks. The cause of her inability to process big emotions. Being recommended nearly immediately in my first full conversation with Alison's parents. I wondered how to phrase my thoughts in a way that was still respectful but indicated that I disagreed with her assessment of how to deal with my work life and home life balance. But before I could speak, Alison did.

"Actually Mom, I would say that Emily tries not to do that as much as possible. There are things she can't share due to patient confidentiality or the sake of her project, but if you don't mind me speaking for you, dear." I shook my head as she continued, "She comes in quite often after a difficult day and talks about it. I think it's made me have to work through Jacob's treatment more, too. Like having to empathize with her struggles forces me put myself back in that place a bit. Most of your days are great though, sweetheart. Aren't they? You should tell them about your meeting Monday."

Mrs. DiLaurentis replied as Alison was finishing up, "That's nice." Her tone indicated an appreciation for what her daughter was saying without any acknowledgment of the immense progress Alison had made over a few short weeks.

She smiled into my shoulder whispering, "Sorry for talking for you. I'm just insanely proud of you."

I looked down into her eyes and couldn't help but beam back at her. Her pride for me was apparent as her dimples were on full display. I smirked at her before turning back her parents, "Sorry. Yeah, this Monday was me and my co-lead's first update report to the board." Kenneth sat up taller at their mention. It didn't go unnoticed by me. "We were able to continue and actually increase our funding. And Emmanuel and I agreed to switch up our roles a bit so that I am on the patient side of project just as much as the research side. It allows me to be more hands-on with our participants."

"But away from the medical aspects?" He asked from across the table, finishing his second glass of wine before most of us were even halfway through the first.

"In some aspects? Yes, sir." He lightly rolled his eyes, igniting a response in me, "Is that not alright?"

He was stunned that I had replied. I watched as Alison and Jessica looked at me cautiously as well. I had overstepped in their opinion. "No, that's fine, Emily. I would just think that with all of the work you did to obtain your title that you would want to actually be in the field. Not relegated to the office."

"I appreciate your concern, but it was actually my choice."

"See Dad, Emily understands that she can't fully empathize with the struggle Carter and I went through with Jacob. So, she made this request to be able to humanize everyone they're working with."

"I'd love to hear Emily's explanation, actually." Mr. DiLaurentis asserted, turning his gaze to me.

I reached under the table to hold Alison's hand, "I think Alison said it perfectly. I intend to be in medicine my whole life. My title won't change based on my location in the hospital. I'm hoping that I'll become a better professional though through empathizing with their stories and their struggles. And my biggest desire from all of that is to better empathize with your daughter and your grandson."

"Well, I think that's a darling story personally. It's very sweet that you are putting this much effort into making Alison feel understood."

Alison wrapped her hands around my upper arm, "In reality, being with Emily has been one of the first times I've felt this understood. I think we both go out of our way to be on the same page in that way."

"You definitely do, sweetheart." I stated to her quietly as the waitress walked up with our second course.

"As we are clearing your first course, I wanted to introduce our next selection. This is our classic Garden Beet Salad made with blackberries, toasted Marcona almonds, a soft tofu puree and a berry vinaigrette. Our wine for this course is a Siciliane Rosso from Sicily, Italy. Enjoy."

Rotating toward Alison with my glass, I found her sitting up tall waiting for me, "You're beautiful, by the way." I mentioned before speaking, "To our future. If it's even half as amazing as our time together has been so far, I will be the luckiest woman in the world."

"To our future and being the luckiest women in the world."

"It's great seeing the two of you so happy. It makes me wonder how are things going with you two and Carter. Has that transition been difficult?"

"We're working through it." Alison replied, leaving it at that. "Things with Jake are great though. We hung out just the three of us this afternoon actually."

"We took him to the trampoline park heading into Philadelphia. They have zip lining and wall climbing. All sorts of stuff."

"Emily worked with him for so long trying to perfect a front flip. No matter how many demonstrations she showed or how many times she stood to his side to get the back half of his body over, he was too nervous to try it alone." Alison laughed reflecting back to the hysterics she was in earlier in the day.

"Demonstrations? You can flip on a trampoline still in your thirties?"

I smiled, "I swam relatively professionally until I was 23. Flips and splits and tricks like that come pretty naturally to me still."

"Trust me, Mom. I was just as shocked as you were. Jake, on the other hand, thought she was the coolest because I could never."

"Don't sell yourself short." I nudged her side, "She was racing with him across the trampolines and ziplined with him. Your daughter is a pro."

"Very sweet." Jessica replied, "But let's go back to Carter. Do I need to speak to Joan, Ali? I know how stubborn he can be." I looked at her confused which lead her to continue, "Joan and I grew up as next door neighbors, actually. In fact, my family practically raised Joan after her parents were divorced. We knew we wanted to raise our children together after all of the fun we had as kids. Never thought it would amount to much of anything!"

"Mom." Alison said sternly.

"What? We got our beautiful grandson out of it all. I'm sure Emily can even appreciate that."

"I can appreciate all of it, Jessica. Alison is who she is now because of everything she experienced before me."

She sighed to my left, "Honestly after trick-or-treating on Thursday, I don't want to discuss your best friend's only son at all. He's been an insensitive jerk lately."

"To you? Or to Emily?" She politely asked.

I put my hand up to my chest, "Oh, I mean, I have no issue with Carter. He's protective and particular, sure. If he has a problem with me, that's another story. But, I am fine being in the same room as him, no problem."

"Look, Mom. Carter and Emily may have had a bit of a blow up on Facetime this week when discussing something having to do with Jake. And Carter might have uninvited Emily from church."

"How do you uninvite someone from church?" She asked, turning to Ken who shrugged finishing off another glass of wine as our waitress returned to discuss the third course.

"Third, we have our famous Cauliflower and Mussel soup paired with a Grand Cru Sauternes from Bordeaux."

We turned to each other once more as Alison toasted this round. "To us figuring out a way to get that damn cat suit on and off. Legend says I could've still been stuck in it today if not for you." She laughed, placing her forehead on mine.

"You act like I would've had any issue with that." She rolled her eyes as I finished, "But yes, cheers. To the cat suit."

Alison took a sip of her wine as she turned to continue the conversation, "And Mom, I'm not sure how you gain the right to uninvite someone from church. But the request was made and for this weekend, Emily and I are fine with it. She _will_ be there for photos next weekend though."

"You did text me that last night, right. What were you thinking, sweetie? Do you want photos with the four of you?"

"The four of who?" I asked, shocked.

"No, no." Alison followed up. "Emily and Carter don't need to be anywhere near a photo together. At the very least, photos with Emily and me. And based on Jacob's preference then potentially photos with the three of us. Is that okay with you, Em?"

"Sure. I wasn't expecting one with J. But if he ends up being comfortable with it, I'd be down. I'm mostly excited to get a professional photo of the two of us for the picture wall in my dining room."

"It'll be really cute, babe. I can't wait either." She started leaning in again for a kiss before remembering her parents earlier comment. "Later?"

I chuckled, "Later." I blew her a kiss taking the first bite of my soup.

"I know this was tricky with you two during your marriage Alison, but Carter is just an incredibly detail-oriented guy."

"And if one thing is out of his control or doesn't go to plan, he snaps or retreats, Mom. He has the inability to own up to flaws or speak about shit in a reasonable manner. Honestly, I would hate working under him."

Picking up my glass, I asked a question to the table, "This honestly has never come up before. But what does Carter do?"

"He's a technical director in Los Angeles and Vancouver for television shows. So he supervises all technical aspects and is the coordinator of the television crews. Since starting back at work 3 years ago, he's been working on the show Supernatural."

"Supernatural?"

Alison nodded, lips pursed, "If that impresses you, don't let him know." Jessica laughed from across the table. "But yeah, he has a crew he manages on weeks he's here. He's nearly constantly on call though."

"Is that why he put doctor in quotes on Thursday? Because he thinks his job requires more technical proficiency than the study I'm working on right now?" I whispered under my breath, making Alison laugh.

"You knew how particular he was when you married him though, Alison."

She rolled her eyes, "Mom, I really would rather not discuss him tonight. All you need to know is that Emily won't be at church tomorrow and that's that."

"Also Mrs. DiLaurentis, whatever is going on will not be an issue next weekend. I can only assume that you put a lot of effort into the planning of everything. I would never want to overshadow that or interfere in any way. So please don't worry about that."

She glared at Alison, "But I should worry about Carter?"

"We are trying to make it so that no worrying needs to take place. But in a worst case scenario, Carter and Emily just will not speak."

"Photographing the family has never been an issue before, and it will not start being one now. If we made it through the divorce, we can make it through whatever bullshit Alison is pulling now." Her father spoke for the first time in nearly a half hour just to throw Alison under the bus once more.

It was no wonder that Alison never showed adverse reactions to things. Too much or too little of any emotion elicited a negative response. If I were her, I would've learned to shut the fuck up over time too. I held her hand under the table once more, swirling my thumb in her palm as the entire table went silent. No one had anything to say in reply. In one fail swoop a scenario focused on Carter's immaturity had been relegated to Alison. Part of me wondered if they made everything Alison's fault. If it made their issues easier to manage believing that Alison fucked up everything she touched. It brought me back to her words Thursday night. Words she had only ever said once but hadn't yet brought up again.

_I fucked up. I fucked this up. I'm fucked up._

A slow transition from passive ownership to active ownership. From seeing her errors in the scenario to then viewing herself as the error. And here I was, willingly with the people who slowly but surely guaranteed that transition was made. Who took her mistakes as a child and young adult and warped them overtime. I gulped as the conversation was fading around me until the waitress came back for course four.

"For our main course this evening we have our take on surf and turf with a charcoal grilled Wagyu, Peekytoe Crab, served with roasted asparagus and our signature steak sauce. This is paired with a Penfolds Shiraz from Barossa Valley, Australia."

It being my turn to toast, I turned my back to her parents, not wanting them to see my apparent frustration as I spoke. "To the best woman I know. Whose parents it appears have underestimated her at every turn. May you never feel as little as they try to make you feel."

"How do I cheers to that?"

"Own it, baby. To the best woman I know."

"To the best woman you know."

And in that moment, I knew she believed me. No second guessing crossed her eyes. No confusion traced her lips. She believed me. And for the first time maybe ever, Alison believed it herself. As she turned back to the table, I couldn't help but watch her lips as they faintly continued to move, morphing into a resounding smile. Repeating the toast back to herself, as if a mantra now playing in her head.

_To the best woman you know._

* * *

**A/N: My newest story, _Promise Me Tomorrow_ , now has its first 2 chapters up on my Patreon! Access allows you an inside look at my writing, including polls for upcoming projects, request abilities, early-access to chapters, and of course, exclusive original stories of your favorites. If interested, find me over there under the username secretpen28! Also, big shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon! :)** **Thank you for everyone who even checks out the page, it means a lot.**

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**\- secretpen28**


	17. Shade of Blue - Part 1

I intended on heading back to Baltimore while Alison was at church. We said our goodbyes before she had left that morning, but the moment she walked out the door, a sickening feeling hit my gut. Despite what I reassured Alison of in the days before, realizing that I had actually been left behind sent me into a tailspin. My issues with Thursday's conversation hadn't actually been discussed. My anger about the situation had, but not everything else involved. I understood that Alison didn't want to be put in the middle of Carter and me again. I respected that. But as I reflected back on it all, I resented the fact that I was left in the cold. By not being given a warning of the call in the first place. By being told that my opinion mattered but not having my opinion ever heard. By being made to come to the rescue on Thursday instead of being rescued. And as I kept thinking about the things I was missing in these few hours because of a man I didn't respect, the more irritated I became.

Pacing behind Alison's couch became my new comfort zone. Picking at my thumbs my newest habit. Biting my lips my newest fixation.

While medication for my OCD worked 99% of the time, in times of high anxiety, compulsive tendencies reemerged. In childhood, counting my steps reigned supreme. At any point in time, if you asked me what step I was on from here to there, I knew the number. 313. 87. 1,432. In young adulthood, counting calories overtook. Control in the form individual allowance easily hidden by a swimming career. And now in adulthood, I obsessed over the finite intricacies of my job. The specificity needed to split whole blood from plasma in a sample. The exact field criteria needed for microscopic examination of tissue. But without either of those fixation tools at my disposal, compulsivity easily took charge in its attempts to calm me down.

Another common result of my OCD though was mind swarming. Similar to a panic attack, but instead of actual bodily symptoms, my mind instead felt like dozens of moths had been released inside. No idea sticking for too long but having too many ideas to stick to one. No solutions able to be sorted through because not even the problem was clear. But with so much to obsess over, time passes rapidly. To me, time appears to stop, giving me the needed seconds to delegate and come to terms with the mind swarm. But in reality, I stop as the world around me keeps spinning. Fixating instead on the pacing, the picking of my thumbs, and biting my lips. Not the issue at hand. Not the fact that I was meant to be heading back to Baltimore. Not the fact that I hadn't moved since Alison left me here.

Time stood still until I heard Alison's voice in the recesses of my mind. "I'm not sure why her car is still here, Bug. Can you let me go in first? Wait in the garage for a minute." Her heels hit the tile, feeling repeated stabs into the field of moths. But I was still stuck. "Emily? Emmy? Oh, there you are. Wait. Why are you still in your pj's? Are you?" She paused, looking behind her probably due to my intense stare going right through her line of sight. "Baby?" I felt her hands on my shoulders as she stepped back and forth, right to left trying to get my attention.

"Mommy, can I come in now?"

"No, Jake. Wait two more minutes." Her head shot back at me, "Emily? Sweetheart, are you okay?"

The light shaking of my shoulders caused me to make eye contact. I shook my head out, "Yeah, what? What's going on?"

"Well, that's what I'm asking you. Shouldn't you be in Baltimore by now?"

"What time is it?"

Alison's eyes looked confused and desperate, "It's after two, Em. What is happening?"

"Oh God." My brain started panicking, piecing together the lost time. I looked at the carpeting beneath my feet indicating the detailed dent extending across the 7-foot length of her living room.

"Have you been walking here?"

"I can – I can explain. It's the – "

She held up her finger, "Jake, buddy?" She called behind her as he started making his way from the garage.

"E!" he squealed, making a run for me.

I knelt down to give him a hug before whispering, "Your mom's about to give you instructions. Listen close for me. Okay, J?"

He nodded, turning to look up at Alison as he gripped my hand, "Remember how we talked about you needing to clean your room when we got home? I know I said we could watch TV first, but I have to make sure that Emily gets home safely. Could you do that now instead? TV time later."

"Sure. Maybe we wath a mooby waiter?"

"Of course, Bug. A movie with you sounds great. Run upstairs for me and clean really well."

"I happy I thaw you, E!"

"Me too, J. I'll be back Saturday, okay?" He smiled, running up the stairs while waving goodbye.

"I'm sorry about that." She turned back to me, placing my face in her hands, "What's going on, Em? Have you just been walking here?"

"I think so, yeah."

"You think s –"

" – It's my OCD. It's a symptom when I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I lose track of time."

"How much time?"

"Well, I packed after you left, and then I came down here to clean up after breakfast. And..." I walked to look around the corner, "... looks like I did that. So, it was probably between eleven and noon that I don't quite –"

"Three hours of time?" She started walking around the couch, holding my hand to bring me with her. "Okay... You said you were overwhelmed? What's going on to make you overwhelmed?" She put my hand in her lap, cupping it with each of hers as she searched my eyes for answers. As she searched though, her thumb traced over one of the worn spots now picked on my skin. "What the – Emmy, why are you bleeding? And why is your bottom lip swollen?" She leaned forward, tracing the bottom of my lower lip which I could now tell had been bitten hard enough to cause swelling.

"Compulsive tendencies." She reached behind her to grab a tissue, pressing it to my thumb.

"I thought your medication helped with this. Did you stop taking it or something?"

I shook my head, "No, no. I never would. This normally happens when I feel too out of control."

"Out of control? Is something big going on at work tomorrow? I know that your big meetings are usually Mondays. Is it that?"

"I don't really want to talk about it. This was a fluke, Ali. I'm out of it now. I can go get dressed and be on my way." I desperately looked up the stairs, not wanting to bring this up. Knowing that once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.

Alison placed her hand on my shoulder, holding me down, "No. I'm not letting you do that. You just paced for 3 hours. You want me to believe that this is some form of fluke? What if it hits you while on the road again or something? You'll shut off to the world around you while driving a car down a highway?"

She was right. I had to say it. We had to address it, or this could happen again. I could be stuck, again. " – this whole church thing. The loss of control I had from it. I think it triggered this."

"Okay..." She leaned backward against the couch, continuously checking the tissue, making sure I was alright, "Does this type of thing usually happen because of loss of control? Of things not going according to plan?"

"Yeah. I think this week has compounded all of that. It's been one thing after another."

She sighed, rotating her body to fully face me before holding up my hand to check the damage done to my thumb, "I can see that. Did you rip through a callus?"

"Probably... I don't know. I wasn't really thinking."

"Let me get settled." She nodded, kissing just above the wound on my thumb before scooting into the corner of the couch. "Come here." She patted her lap as I tucked myself into her. Reaching behind her, Alison grabbed an over-sized blanket to lay on top of us. "Let's get your mind to calm down. Since Friday, you've made the church decision we made seem like not a big deal."

"Well, it wasn't initially a big deal. Not really."

"Em, it's obviously a bigger deal than you've made it seem the past few days. You've been nearly comatose in my living room for 3 hours. I don't know if this helps, but we talked to Jake today. It went well. And if it's what Carter said. I mean, Carter's not an issue, baby. He lost his cool, but he's moving past it. It's not going to be an issue. There's no need to worry about this spilling into next week or anything." I kept silent, suddenly feeling guilty for my unresolved frustration with Alison. "Talk to me, please." She whispered, pleading to figure this out.

I gulped, "I don't think this is a Carter issue. I've dealt with that."

"What's the issue then, Emily?" My head fell toward my lap, "Me? It's an issue with something I did?"

I could ramble. I could talk about the why without talking about the result. I could start at the beginning, but it all boiled down to one issue. As the moths began to clear, the gap in my thinking began to appear, "I think it's that I haven't felt like an equal partner in our relationship through this. Especially after Thursday."

Alison's lips went to speak, but no words left her mouth as I watched her face fall. "What? What are you talking about?"

"You haven't considered me in any part of this. And I thought it might pass. But you actually going to church this morning, without me. Without fighting for me to be able to go. It magnified the issue in my mind."

"Emmy, I don't understand. You've known about this since Friday morning. This is coming out of nowhere."

I didn't make eye contact as I spoke, "So did the phone call on Thursday. Happy you know how it feels."

"The phone call? Where I asked if it was okay for us to talk? Where I asked if you'd rather wait? Where I asked if you needed me by your side? That phone call?" She was brushing hair from my face frantically trying to understand where I was coming from. Where my resentment lied.

"I barely knew the context when we started though. You told me on Tuesday that you would always take my side in public. But when I answered the phone with Carter in frame with you, it was apparent that you were no longer on my side."

"Your side? I wasn't on anyone's side, Emily. I was trying to get the three of us to come to a consensus."

"But you put me in the middle of it, Alison. I was the conversation point. Not Jacob. Me and my actions and my future input. Carter got set off because of the imbalance of power. You created the imbalance."

"Me? I didn't do shit."

"My point exactly. I needed you on my side, and you didn't do shit." I added emphasis to her own words, pointing out that her lack of perceived action was action enough.

She was caught off-guard. That much was clear. She sat quietly with her tongue barely sticking out of her mouth, thinking about how to proceed. Her right hand remained around my waist. "I know this is typical of me, but do we have to do this right now? We can't give this some time to breathe?"

"I wasn't planning on doing this either, but you can't just try and stop this conversation from happening. And time to breathe? You're the one who brought up that this started Friday morning. I've given it time to breathe."

"This feels like a personal attack though." Her left hand fell off the back of the couch, landing with a thud as she grew quieter.

"So did Thursday." I muttered toward the floor.

"That was Carter. That wasn't me. I'm not responsible for him, for his words. I can only do so much."

"I get that. Expecting you to stand up for me though doesn't seem like too much to ask compared to the way you both bombarded me. And Carter was never held accountable for his shit. For questioning my integrity. For insulting your parenting."

She reached up, placing her hand on my chest, "Emmy, I did. I spoke to him. Right after our call."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, a conversation that led to you having a major panic attack. Call me unconvinced that your conversation did much of anything. All I can tell it did was have Carter convince you that I shouldn't be at church today."

"Emily." Her voice cracked, "I don't – I need time to process this."

"No." I spoke harshly for the first time. "I haven't finished. Please listen to what I have to say first."

"All I've been doing is listening to what you have to say." She looked like a little kid being scolded. "I _knew_ I fucked this up. I asked you Thursday night. I asked you if we were okay. You said that the burdens I was carrying were forgiven. Why didn't you say something then?"

"Because you hadn't told me the ramifications yet, Ali. And Friday morning after asking what was going through my head, you then dismissed all of my concerns in the name of being fair. When the person who got the short end of this deal was me. In what fucking world does it make sense for Carter to get off in this scenario scot free and me be ostracized from the people I'm trying to build connections with? In what world? After all the bullshit he said to me, you agreed with _him_?"

"You know I felt terribly about that. It was for Jacob though, for his benefit."

"I'm calling bullshit. Because Jacob just waltzed in here like no ounce of a potentially traumatic situation occurred today. You agreed for Carter's sake. To keep him calm. To keep him satisfied. And you left me fucked over."

"Em –"

"We're supposed to be building _our_ relationship right now, Alison. This is about making _us_ stronger as a couple. You don't owe Carter anything in this. Nothing."

"I can't ruin the relationship Carter and I have built though, Emily. We only get one chance at getting this co-parenting thing right."

"You already had a fucking chance! And that didn't work out, obviously."

She looked up at me with her lips pursed, her eyes staring at me. She was hurt. The words I just said hurt her more than I had intended. "I won't hold that against you. You're just upset right now."

"I am upset. But I'm also sitting right here though. I'm here in front of you, and you're still pushing me away. You're still holding him to a different standard."

"I'm not. I promise you, I'm not."

"Whatever you say." I started getting up from the couch in frustration, "I'm going to go get dressed. I'll give you the time you needed to process all of this, I guess."

My mind still felt heavy. As if nothing had been solved through our conversation. As if speaking about it had just opened up more hurt. What hurt me the most was that she was still making excuses. She was still putting her relationship with Carter before ours... for Jacob's sake? I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. I refused to believe it. I changed into my jeans and a chunky sweater, sighing deeply as I turned with my bag to come down the stairs. But I jumped as Alison stood lovingly at the door.

She smirked, "Sorry about that."

My arms crossed in front of my chest as she walked toward me, attempting to hold my hands, "Ali – "

"Just let me hold you, please." The idea of Alison being the one to hold me when we were standing was laughable. My lips fell exactly at her forehead as she attempted to wrap me deeply in her arms. "I hear what you're saying. I hear you."

I looked up at the ceiling, my arms still at my side as Alison worked her legs between mine. "We only get one shot with us, too. Don't forget that."

"I know." She whispered. "But you know we need to step back from this conversation for a minute. You're starting to cut deep, and I don't want either of us to say something we don't mean."

"I know we do, and I'm not happy about it. Also, I've meant every word I've said." Alison raised her chin to try and meet my eyes as I pursed my lips, refusing to look back.

"Okay. I'll take each one to heart then, Em." She reached for my hands, "I'm not letting you leave like this. You're not leaving here without looking at me." She kissed the back of my hands repeatedly, "What are _you_ thinking?"

"I'm mad at myself. For not seeing how much this was actually upsetting me. For letting it get to the point that I have a swollen fucking lip and can barely process through my brain fog. That because of our damn schedule that I can't stay here for us to work through this." My mouth worked its way into a frown. "That I took a day off Friday to take care of you without realizing I was the one that needed to be taken care of."

"If I could go with you, I would."

"I know." I begrudgingly made eye contact, causing her to smile. "I know you would, Ali." I kissed her forehead. "I'm okay to get home."

"I trust you." She clutched my hands tightly, hoping to hold on as long as she could. "Call you tonight?"

I knew the answer she wanted to hear. I could feel the desperation between our fingertips. That above all else she needed to know we were okay. That she needed the reassurance that comes with us speaking or her even just knowing I was considering her in my world. But staring into her eyes, I couldn't give her that reassurance. I couldn't rightly promise us speaking because I wasn't even sure if I would have the desire to speak to anyone for the next few days. After an episode, my body tended to shut down and sought time to recharge because of the exhaustion running through my mind. I didn't want to disappoint her but knew that without taking time for myself, I may never fully get myself back together.

I shook my head, "I think I need some time back at work. I need to get lost in something before we talk again."

Alison gulped, "Yeah, alright." She sighed before whispering, "Fuck..."

She knew it was bad. Pulling away from me she wiped her hand over her face, not knowing how in one weekend together, I had somehow gotten lost.

"I'll text you when I make it home. And if nothing else, I'll be on at 6 for Jacob's math session on Tuesday. Just email me with the information sometime tomorrow or Tuesday morning."

"Of course." She stepped back, uncomfortably looking away as I gathered my things back in my hands.

"Hey." I stated, catching her eyes again. "I love you." I stepped forward, placing my hand on her hip before leaning in for a short kiss.

She rubbed her lips together as we pulled away, "Me too. I don't know what you need from me though, Emmy."

"Yes, you do." I kissed her forehead once more before heading to her bedroom door, "Fight for us."

She nodded, "And what about you?"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Ali. This? Me walking away right now? Me saying anything in the first place? This is me fighting."

"But Emily – "

"No." I stopped her, looking over my shoulder, "It's your move, baby. Not mine."

* * *

**_Home._ **

It was the only contact I had with Alison before turning off my phone completely for the next 24 hours. I didn't wait for a reply. But walking back into my house was incredibly difficult. I hadn't considered that her presence may still linger even after the weekend. I spent Sunday night on my patio allowing the crickets to lull my stress. I consciously paced my patio, counting the steps it took to get from one side to another. Attempting to time my breath with my pace, making beats in my head as I went along to keep my mind in check. To not get lost again.

Work helped, but more than one person asked if I was alright. As though my emptiness inside was visible. But with each collection I logged, with each sample I categorized, with each step I checked off, my brain became more and more clear. So when I turned back on my phone Monday afternoon while heading home from work, I hoped anything Alison had sent me over the past day would keep me clear. But on the way home, no texts came through. No missed calls. Nothing to indicate that she had even acknowledged that I had made it home.

Maybe I had been too hard on her. Maybe I hadn't given her enough credit for the steps she had taken. Maybe I –

But as I put my key in the door, I looked up to find a fall wreath now hanging there. A paper note blowing in the wind off of it.

_You mentioned needing a door decoration last week. I think it matches the teal. : )_

I shook my head, recognizing the handwriting immediately from her other notes. And so, I opened the door shyly, unsure of what was on the other side. The smell hit me first as I walked through the living room straight for the kitchen, bypassing the sticky notes and other small touches I noticed right away.

_Your dad said his chili was your favorite on a bad day. Fritos, cheese, and onions are in the fridge. Should be ready to go any time after 7:30. (Oh, and a Dr. Pepper. I've never seen you drink soda, but I decided to trust Wayne on this one.)_

I laughed before noticing a collection of sticky notes in the dining room corner. Now printed, Alison had filled the open slots in the picture frames in this room. One of her and I on my couch, her kissing my cheek delicately as I squinted my face. One of her and Jacob from Thursday with him putting on his best serious Batman face. And one of me with my parents from last Christmas.

_Would hate for you to be staring at empty frames longer than you need to. So here's a small collection of people you love. This is the photo Jake chose for you this morning. He said that it would show you how brave he is. Also, this is one of my favorite photos on your Instagram, but it was nowhere to be found among your photo collection at home. Hope you think it's as cute as I do._

I inhaled deeply, holding my breath before exhaling and trying to not get too overwhelmed. Circling around to the living room, there were labeled envelopes on my mantle just below my television: _Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Saturday_. I smiled, reaching forward to open the one labeled Monday.

_Note #3 -Monday_

_November 4, 2019_

_To say yesterday scared me would be a gross understatement. But when I told you that I heard you, I meant it more than anything. I've always heard you, and I hope that these little things today help reassure you of that. You were right though; it is my turn to fight for us. To follow up the words I say with the actions I take. I'm still processing everything too, but I'm ready to talk whenever you are. I'll wait for you, Emmy. As long as you need. I love you so much. Enjoy the pampering. All my love._

Part of me wanted to call her right then. To inhale the love radiating from my home since Alison's presence reentered these walls. To give her a chance to explain. To move on without another word needing to be shared. But as I pulled out my phone, I read the time. 8:05. I sighed, knowing my window, for the time being, was closed. That in order to receive respect from Carter at some point in the future, I needed to not have him question my respect for his relationship with Jacob.

I smiled looking at the paperwork underneath Monday's note. It was the signed and completed Consent for Disclosure for me to access Jacob's medical records with expressed consent. And right next to that signature, another note.

_Fortunately this paperwork only needs the signature of one of Jacob's parents, but don't worry, I called Carter today to give him the heads up. Hope that this access will help you help Jake. Also, on the way to school this morning, he was already babbling about math tomorrow. Our baby loves you so much, Emmy. (You are included in that 'our', of course. In case that was unclear...) I think he might love you almost as much as I do. Almost._

She made me blush through word alone. I knew Alison loved me. That wasn't up for debate. I never wavered on her love for me. But looking around, it was apparent that she was putting our relationship first. That she was fighting. How long had this taken? I looked around the room, searching for anything else she may have done, when from across the room, I saw a green sticky note on the wall before heading up the stairs.

_I've decided that the cutest picture we take this weekend will be blown up and placed on this wall. Also, I'll remind you of this again later, but I got official word. Your color is green for Sunday. To be fair, I fought for your color to be green. But Jessica officially gave in a few minutes before the writing of this note. You're bound to take my breath away. Can't wait._

Both out of curiosity but also necessity to get out of my dress clothes, I climbed the stairs wondering what potential additions or notes could be waiting for me. Walking down the hallway, a sticky note was on the door jamb leading into the guest bedroom.

_Remember when we saw each other naked for the first time right here. That was pretty fucking great, wasn't it?_

I laughed out loud, sneaking the note into my pocket as I kept walking to my bedroom. The first notable change was a small bouquet of red roses on my nightstand with a note attached.

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_I know classic red roses are cheesy as hell_

_But I'd do absolutely anything for you._

I glanced over them as another note lay on top of my pillow.

_Wanted you to pamper yourself this week. I changed your sheets; the others have been cleaned, dried, and folded in the laundry room downstairs. There are candles and bath goodies on our bathroom counter. Treat yourself a bit. : ) Also, this is the last blatantly visible note you should find, but there are more hidden. I may have gone a little overboard. Have fun finding them all. Love you, baby._

To continue passing the time, I took a shower which revealed yet another Alison touch. While getting out, having thoroughly steamed up the vanity mirror, the outline of a heart with A + E traced inside appeared causing me to roll my eyes. And as I pulled my towel off its hook, a sticky note floated to the floor underneath it.

_If you haven't seen it yet, check out the heart I made on the mirror. I'm worse than a rom-com, aren't I?_

I realized then that I was going to be finding post-it's for weeks if these are the lengths she went to. It was adorably endearing, but I feared my parents coming into town next week and stumbling across a sexually explicit message intended for my eyes only. But if her plan was to make me endlessly happy, she had succeeded. I called her at 9 on the dot, finally noticing how much I had missed her face and voice over the past 28-ish hours. Back down in my kitchen, I sat over my prepared bowl of chili and cracked open a Dr. Pepper as the call connected.

Alison answered with her head propped on her fist, leaning over her torso to rest it on her knee. Staring and smiling, she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as she sat quietly staring back at me.

"Craziest thing, Ali. I came home around 7:45 today and I – I think someone broke in while I was at work?"

"No!" She gasped, "Is everything okay?"

"Even crazier, I checked all the windows and doors, and they hadn't been tampered with. So they must have used a key?"

"A key? How many of those have you been handing out lately?"

"Surprisingly? Just one." I smirked, "To you."

She placed her hand over her heart, feigning shock, "Me?"

"I love you." I smiled, unable to contain my delight.

"I love you too, sweetheart. I hope you enjoyed your little scavenger hunt today."

"You're going to have to explain the logistics to me though. You dropped Jacob off and picked him up?"

She nodded, smiling, "I dropped Jake off at 7:45. Called your dad, my mom and Carter on the way. Got there before 10:30 after stopping at the store. Pre-wrote most of the notes last night. Printed the photos off upstairs for the frames. Finished up everything else and then just knocked myself out with the post-its until around 1:30. Picked up Jake at 3:45 from after care."

"Well, thank you. It made my day."

"You were right about a lot of things yesterday, Emmy. But I figured if you took Friday off for me, taking today off for you was the least I could do." She toyed with her thumbs in her lap, staring down at them to find her next words, "But I also know that what I did today isn't enough." She sighed, "I'm so sorry. I was so caught up in making sure Carter wouldn't blow up more than he already had on Tuesday and Thursday that I completely neglected how those decisions would feel to you. You're right. I was trying to protect Carter in some sick way. I guess I was just thinking that if I kept him calm and kept him happy that you and Jacob would be the easy parts of the equation. I was looking at it all wrong. Co-parenting will go well as long as I'm a good parent to Jacob. Sure, being amicable with Carter is a small part of that. But you're a bigger part of that..." She laid down, bring the camera with her as she turned on her side, "Because you make me a better person, Em. You make me a better parent. And for as much as I co-parent with Carter, I'm co-parenting with you too. We're figuring out what this looks like for our family. For our future. I was so focused on not ruining the past that I left out the foundation of our future. I'm so sorry about that. It was a mistake and I was wrong. I'm sorry I didn't catch it quick enough to potentially prevent your – what would you call it?" Her eyes glanced up at mine. She must have noted the smile in my eyes because she blushed immediately.

"Episode. It's called an episode."

She nodded, "Okay. I'm sorry I didn't catch it quick enough to prevent your episode yesterday. If it was scary for me to walk in to, I can only imagine how scary those are for you."

"If it helps, I haven't had one in years. Well, since yesterday. I manage day to day extremely well, but I reached out to my psychiatrist in Austin today for us to have a virtual call later this week. Maybe with everything new I've taken on, my medication needs to be adjusted or something."

"That's good. You'll keep me posted, right?"

"Always. Also, thank you for your apology. It really didn't hit me until you left yesterday morning, and I was planning to just talk about it casually this week. But my mind kind of took over."

"That's okay. If it caused all of that to happen, it must have been a pretty big weight on your shoulders. I'm happy you were able to get your thoughts together while we were in person. But my reaction was incredibly frustrating, I'm sure. Was there anything else you had wanted to say before you got up to pack?"

"Not really." I shook my head, "Despite what I said, I do believe that you spoke to Carter Thursday night. I believe that you stuck up for me and for us. But I need you to be willing to fight for us in front of and with me. You don't have to protect me from others' words, but I want to be in those conversations. I don't want you fighting for us alone, and I'd love to be heard as well. I'll be respectful, I promise. I give you my word."

"I can do that, Emmy." She exhaled, putting a small kiss against the camera, "I'm relieved we talked that out. I was a nervous wreck."

"Turns out you knew what to do after all." I paused for a moment, finishing off the last of my dinner, "I see you figured out where to find green chilies in the grocery store."

"I did!" She sat up, excited, "How is it by the way? It tasted good to me, but I was really trying to make it as close to your Dad's as possible."

"It's delicious, Ali. A very good version."

"But not perfect?"

I laughed, "No, not perfect. The Dr. Pepper was a great addition though. Nearly sells it, beautiful."

"Good. That's good." Alison propped herself back up on her fist, "I'm happy you're enjoying it. You have no idea what it means to me to see you happy today. It's all I was hoping for the entire time I was at the house. I just wanted you to go to sleep happy tonight."

"Mission accomplished then. It's actually kind of overwhelming everything you did. Please tell me that you didn't hide anymore sexual sticky notes around this house though. My parents will be here next week, and they would not respond to them the same way I do."

"How about this? When I come back with you Sunday, any of the ones you haven't found, I'll be sure to show you and get rid of before your parents join us. They're staying at the house, right?"

"Yeah, they get in Thursday night and leave Monday morning."

"Perfect. Would you mind if I stayed Thursday night so that I can take your mom to get our nails done Friday?"

"That'd be great! I have to work Friday, so any way you can keep them even somewhat occupied is much appreciated. Also, Alison you're more than welcome to stay the whole time if you'd like."

"No, no. I don't want to intrude. You need time with them alone. I'll go with your mom Friday morning and then see you all on Saturday for dinner."

"Ali, that doesn't make sense. Dinner is here next Saturday. Just stay, please. There's no need to go back and forth." I noticed her apprehension, "How about you think about it, okay? There's no pressure. You're more than welcome to leave before they arrive Thursday and come back Saturday for nails and dinner if that's better. It's your choice, but I'd love to have you here. "

"Thank you, love. I must say, today wore me out." She yawned, sleepily, "Can we talk more tomorrow?"

"Definitely. Please send Jacob's work for tomorrow night, and I'll talk to you at lunchtime."

"Lunchtime. Love you, Emily."

"Love you more, Ali."

She pointed at the camera, squinting, "Don't start with that bullshit."

"What bullshit?"

"Love you more, love you most shit."

I cackled, "It's not cute to you?"

"Sure isn't. I know that I love you the most, and that's the end of it. There's no need to go back and forth when that's an undisputed fact."

I raised my hand, "I'd actually like to dispute – "

"Nope. I love you the most. The End. Goodbye." She winked, hanging up before I could protest.

* * *

**A/N: Reminder to check me out under secretpen28 on Patreon if you enjoy these stories! We are 2 chapters in to an exclusive story over there. I hope you'll join us! Also, big shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon! :)** **  
**

**Part 2 up on Thursday!**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	18. Shade of Blue - Part 2

"Yep. So hold up your hands to camera for me, J? Just like this." I paused, forming my fingers into little mouth shapes on each hand. Your left hand makes a less than sign. Left hand. Less than. Say that for me."

"Weft hand. Wess dan."

"Perfect. Let's look back at that problem then. 15 _ 13. Is 15 greater than or less than 13?"

"Gwaiter dan means bigger, wight?"

"Right. Remember being greater than someone else at soccer practice means you're doing better. You have more skills. So greater than in math means you have more value. You are bigger."

"I fink I got it."

"Like we practiced, talk it out for me."

He nodded, holding out his hands. "Fiteen is gwaiter dan firteen. My weft hand makes a L and weft hand is wess dan. Dat means my wight hand is gwaiter dan."

"That's exactly how you should be thinking it out, Jacob! If that's all true, put the correct sign in that blank and show off for me a bit." I clapped as he turned his paper to show the correct answer: 15 > 13\. "There you go! I know it's kind of confusing because of the symbols, but as long as you get the concept and remember your tools, you've got it! Do you feel more confident about it now?"

"You make mafs weally easy, E."

"You're the genius out of the two of us, sir! I'm just giving you the time to think. It's okay if we forget sometimes though, J. The important thing is that we remember that we were able to do it once. And if you did it once and were successful and felt proud, then you can do that again. Do you think you can do the last ones on your own?"

"I fink so. I tell Mommy if I need to cawl fow hep." He paused, rocking back and forth in his seat. "Is it kestion time now?"

"It seems like it. Want to see who can get Mommy upstairs first? Don't go until 3. I'm going to call her on my phone. You yell down from your seat. Ready? One. Two... Three!"

"MOMMMMMYYYYY! MOMMMMY!" He started screaming as I doubled over in laughter, unable to even hit the call button on my phone before Alison raced around the corner out of breath. "I win!"

"What in the world is happening?" She stopped, looking at the screen as I tried to get it together.

"Iss kestion time! Kestion time!"

I held up my hand, "I told him it was a race, but he screamed bloody murder." I kept laughing as Alison sat down next to him at his playroom's desk, wrapping one arm around him as she kissed the top of his head.

"You scared me, Bug. But you were just excited?" He nodded wildly, before reaching for the phone in Alison hand. She looked up at me. "Definitely excited. He had me write his questions down this morning. Let me think about them a little bit too. Here you go. Start from the top." She pointed before I interrupted.

"Should I call Carter on my end then?"

"No, he said it was fine. He wants Jacob to tell him all about it tonight for bedtime." I sat up a little taller knowing he wouldn't be listening, "Go ahead, Bug."

"In da hobsital, I had to go ebry day and way under a ting dat cwicked and hode my head weawy stiwl. What is dat?"

"Hospital." Alison corrected. "Sorry. Continue, babe."

"Yeah, so there's a lot of ways to treat cancer, J. Some have a lot more side effects than others. Because of your age, your parents and doctors chose one of the safest ways to treat your cancer. It's called radiation. Think about the sun when you stand underneath it in the summer. It's hot, isn't it?"

"It buwns!"

"You're right. It does burn. Well, the sun has radiation in it too, a different type, but it works similarly. The treatment you did was burning your tumor. Remember last week how we talked about tumor being another fancy word for cancer." He nodded. "It's a really complex machine that found the cancer in your head and burned it like the sun might burn your skin. And over time, it makes it so that the cancer can't grow any bigger."

"Wike kiwwing it?"

"Like killing it, but very slowly." I stopped, looking at Alison, "Can I discuss his surgery, Ali?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you need."

"Okay. So Jacob, for some people, all they have to do is radiation. It stops their tumor so fast that the tumor goes away on its own. But for most people, including you, the radiation alone wasn't enough. Which is why you had your surgery. But the radiation made your tumor so small that your doctor felt comfortable enough to do your surgery."

"How big was my cancer?"

"From the paperwork I found, J, you actually had three separate tumors." I glanced at Alison to watch her face. I wanted to see if it changed. If she showed any indication that this was new information for her to hear. But she was unfazed and kept her hand around Jacob's shoulder to comfort him, just in case. "They were all right in that one section of your brain though which is very lucky. The smallest one was only about a centimeter wide when they went in to do your surgery. The biggest was almost 3 centimeters. So, really only about this big. But for a little kid, something that small is considered pretty big."

"Iss not dat scary to heaw about, Mommy. You and Daddy said I get scared. I fink iss cool."

"We just wanted you to know that not everything you ask will have a 'cool' answer. Sometimes the answers will be hard for you to hear. Sometimes, they'll be hard for Mommy to hear. You want to ask one more in your list, and we can add more and ask more next week?"

"Yep. Dis is my gwaiter dan kestion, okay?"

I broke into a smile, "You mean your biggest question? The question can't be greater than, sweetie." I replied as he tried to work through what I just said, "Greater than is only for math right now. But yes, I understand. Your biggest question."

"I fink iss easy but Mommy wooked sad when I ask dis morning. I want to know why me?"

"Why you what?" I bit my lip, glancing my eyes back and forth and makingeye contact with Alison who replicated my movements and started looking away from the conversation.

"Why I get cancer? Why me and not Mommy or my fwend Pawker?"

"Yeah, okay." I licked my lips trying to figure out how to answer this because Alison was obviously not in the place to do so, "Do you believe that God makes mistakes?"

"No, He is perfect." He paused, looking up at Alison puzzled, "Did God give me cancer?"

Alison blinked quickly without turning her head, so I started talking as soon as I could, "I mean, not exactly, J. But your Mommy told me something this weekend that I want to share. She told me 'Some questions don't have answers. Some things just are.' So, I can't answer 'why you', Buddy, because I don't know the answer. What I do know though is that God doesn't make mistakes. I know that everything that happens in our lives has a reason behind it. And from what I know about you, you are one of the strongest and most genuine people I've ever met. If I had to guess, your battle and survival with cancer is supposed to mean something. You want to learn more about it and ask questions. That could mean that maybe you're meant to do something for other people because of everything you've been through. That's my best guess, Jacob. But I don't know. I wish I did..."

"Can I do somefing wike you?"

"Like me? Of course, if you want to you can. But there are so many things you could do to help other people. I do research. Some people are surgeons and actually do the surgeries you went through. Some people are like your Grandpa, and they raise money for hospitals and families. Some people speak about their experience all over the world. You can do anything you want to, Jacob. Anything at all."

"Is that all, Bug?" Alison asked next to him, trying to brush her tears away as fast as she could.

"Yeah, I done today. Bye, E! Fanks."

"Bye, J. Great work today."

"Hey, Jake?" Alison asked over her shoulder, "Get your bath running for me. I'll be right there." She waited for him to leave before turning back to me, "Okay... that went well?"

I smiled, "Yeah, sweetheart. It went well."

"I'm sorry for crying. The question was a lot, yes. But the way you answered him..." She paused, trying to keep it together. "You're an excellent teacher, Emily. Thank you for being there for him this way. You're changing his life whether you know it or not, baby."

"I'm happy to help. Talk to you around nine?" She nodded, blowing me a kiss before signing off.

Getting off the call with Jacob each Tuesday was quickly becoming my least favorite time of the week. Because the moment I let him go, I wanted to be talking to him again. I wanted to be absorbing his energy and his enthusiasm and his wonder for the world. I got off the calls feeling lighter, as though he had taken some of my stress off of my shoulders. Next to Alison and my parents, he was my favorite person in the world. He was someone whose face I waited to see, whose laugh I craved to hear. Whose happiness was now intrinsically linked to my own. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

* * *

_Note #4 - Tuesday_

_November 4, 2019_

_The next few days I'm going to talk about things that I love that you do. I want to acknowledge the little things I see you do, for me and for those around you. 100 words starts...._

_NOW. I want to acknowledge the way you love Jacob. You care for people so innately, but the way you love Jacob is so precious to me. You help him through this world with a sensitivity I haven't seen you use with anyone else. It means so much to me that you listen to him like he's speaking your most treasured words. You play games with him like you've never even heard the words 'Go Fish'. I love the way you love him. The way you immediately treated him as your own. It means more than you know. Always, Ali_

* * *

_Note #5 – Wednesday_

_November 4, 2019_

_Today, I want to acknowledge the way you take care of me. I want to point it out because I don't think you even realize you do it. From the moment you kissed my cheek to walk away from me at the gala, you've allowed me to be myself and make my own decisions but with your support behind me. I've never questioned your intentions or your motives because you support people unwaveringly. You make me willing to take risks and jump without looking because I know you'll catch me. Please know I will forever do the same. Yours always._

* * *

_Note #6 – Thursday_

_November 4, 2019_

_I'm breaking my own rules, but today I want to brag about how cute you are. Like Em, I'm at your house writing these last ones, and your baby picture from your 1st birthday is staring me down. Your eyes were so gorgeous even then. There's something about your eyes. I mean, babe, you are fucking stunning, but your eyes smile. The light that exudes from your eyes when you look at me makes me start believing what you see in me. I live for the moments I make you laugh. You make my life so worthwhile, love. So worthwhile._

* * *

_Note #7 – Friday_

_November 4, 2019_

_I thought about making this letter explicit but figured that might be unfair because you don't get to see me until tomorrow. You know I love to tease you but even that seems cruel. So instead, I'm going to hope that we've spoken by now. That these little things I'm doing now will somehow make up for the way I treated you this weekend. That maybe they'll build up to earn me a phone call. I know you don't think that way, but I think I'm used to that from past relationships. Everything a bargaining chip. But with you, nothing is. You want us happy. More than anything, all you seek is my happiness. Our happiness. That's what you've taught me more than anything else: if we're happy, who gives a fuck about the rest of it. And Emily, I'm so fucking happy._

_P.S. Speaking of not giving a fuck about the rest of it. Fuck the word count for this one. I've been doing cute shit for you too long today that my word count no longer matters. Only you do. I love you. So much. And if you haven't heard me say sorry yet for one reason or another, I'm so sorry. You deserve better than what I gave you this weekend. You deserve the world, my love. Never forget that, and I'm so sorry that I did. Anyways, love you. – Ali_

* * *

_Note #8 – Saturday_

_November 4, 2019_

_I know I'm writing this on Monday, but I'm so excited I get to see you today (in this note). I always miss you, but I'm sure this week will be especially hard. Today, I want you to know how much I appreciate the way you love me. From the way you hold me in your arms to the words you say, you love me with so much more intention than anyone in my life ever has. I said this last week, but you're so patient in your every movement. You appreciate each moment we have. You take nothing for granted. You love me effortlessly. As if I'm the easiest person you've ever loved. I know that can't be true. I know my life is a hard pill to swallow despite you never even thinking those words. We've talked by today. I can feel it. And that means that I've been able to tell you everything I've realized in the past 24 hours. On top of putting my other relationships ahead of ours. On top of knowing that I didn't consider your voice in a conversation meant to give you one. On top of not processing what you were saying when we were in person leading to this entire debacle. More than any of that, I've realized that I love you. I know you know that. But anytime I've explained it before, I've said 'I love you because'. I don't love you because, Emily. I love you so much that when I think about it for too long... I panic. Because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. Anyone ever. I panic because I can't believe I lived this long without you. Without the way you love my son. Without the way you care. Without your eyes. Without this happiness. And so many times just this month I've asked you if we're alright. I think my whole life I've been taught that love from others is conditional. As if one mistake or error could make me lose it all. But my love for you isn't conditional, so why would your love for me be any different? My love isn't conditional. It's not I love you BECAUSE. It's just I love you. Nothing attached._

_Know that when I see you today. When I wrap you in my arms. When I kiss you over and over again. Our love isn't conditional. It never will be. I'm sorry it ever has been. I'm yours, Emmy. Nothing attached._

_All my love,_

_Alison_

* * *

I read Alison's Saturday letter between patient appointments. It proved to be a terrible choice as I sat in my office sobbing. I hung on her every word wishing nothing more than to already be with her. To have this next week to be okay. To not worry about any of this bullshit of the past. To simply be.

**_Fuck you._ **

**_My God. Is this our first sext?_ **

**_No asshole, you're making me cry my eyes out at work._ **

**_Damn... Thought it was a sext. Just read Saturday's letter I assume?_ **

**_Yeah, I love you too. Nothing attached._ **

**_Nothing attached. You're so adorable. I have a surprise for you when you get here, by the way._ **

**_Can't wait. Also, I brought two options for pictures tomorrow. Fashion show tonight based on what you're wearing?_ **

**_You act like I'm going to let you wear any clothes tonight..._ **

**_Alison!_ **

**_What? Are you opposed?! We can do the fashion show first if it means that much to you._ **

**_I'll be to your house around 5. Does that work for whatever shenanigans you have planned?_ **

**_Sounds perfect. Love you, Em. Sorry for distracting you. Sometimes I can't help it._ **

**_Can't say I blame you._ **

**_And you call me the tease? The faster you work, the faster you make it back to me._ **

**_Not how it works, Ali, but will do. See you soon._ **

I counted down the hours until they turned into minutes before arriving at her place. I shot off a quick text to let her know that I was down the road, wanting to build the anticipation just that much more. Turning down her street, I saw her standing in the driveway, arms wrapped around her torso from the winter chill. No jacket in sight. But there was her smile. God, we had made it. Made it through a week apart for a week together. A tragic trade-off, but one I'd make for the rest of my life if it meant she was mine. I waved wildly while carefully pulling into the garage, putting the car in park and hopping out before I could even turn the engine off.

"So excited you couldn't grab a jacket?" I asked while spinning to face her sauntering toward my arms.

"So excited you couldn't turn off the car off?" She retorted, snuggling her head into my neck as her hands tucked into the pockets of the sweatshirt I had thrown on to drive.

I pulled back, placing my hand under her chin, "Caught me."

She curled her face toward my fingers, yearning for touch, "This is my favorite part of the week. Seeing you again."

"Mine too. Missed you." I leaned forward, keeping my hand against her jaw, tracing my lips above hers.

She exhaled a barely audible moan while pulling me closer to her. She kissed me with sorrow. As if releasing a burden. Nothing was desperate or aggressive. It was an apology through kiss alone. Her hands moved to wrap around my neck as she leaned away.

"God, I love you."

"I love you too, Ali. Where's J at? I figured he'd be greeting me in the driveway too!"

Alison backed away as I spun back around to turn off the car. "That's the surprise!"

"Hide and seek?" I asked, confused while making my way to the backseat to grab my bag for the night.

She leaned against the car just over the back wheel, "That would've been cute too. But no, I set up a sleepover for him tonight. His friend from church, so they'll bring him there tomorrow morning."

"Well, aren't you clever?" I smirked, kissing her briefly once more. "Now, I know why you were being so fucking forward via text. I thought you had lost your damn mind."

"Not in the slightest." She held onto my hand as I led us into the house, closing the garage door along the way. "I vote fashion show right now because food is being delivered at 6. I figured we could start a fire... see where the night takes us?"

I shoved her shoulder while walking up the stairs, "You're ridiculous. You know exactly where you want the night to take us. Come help me with this outfit choice, please. I need you in yours next to me to make this work."

"Yes ma'am..." She quickly followed, "You're serious about this."

"I will not be the one to fuck up picture day, Alison. I know that much."

* * *

"See why I'm debating? The sweater is more holiday, but I love the look of the thinner dress. What do you think?"

"Both look great. My only thought would be that the dress might be cold as hell depending on the wind."

"But you're wearing a dress!"

"I know, Em. But I also actually like wearing them." She stepped up next to me in the mirror, placing two types of earrings on either side of her face. "Dangly or stud?"

"What necklace?"

"This silver one my mom bought for me last Christmas." She pointed to her jewelry case.

"I'd go stud. You won't be able to see them really." I turned to the side, staring at myself in the sweater, "I look skinnier in the dress. I'm going to go with that."

"Either looks great with my red. Also, please don't let 'skinniness' be any part of this decision. You have an amazing body, Emmy." She grabbed the back of the sweater to spin me around to face her. "You could wear a paper bag and be the most stunning one there tomorrow."

"Thank you." I kissed her forehead, "We'll look cuter if we're both in dresses anyway. What color is Jacob in?"

"Jacob is white. I made Mom change Carter's color to white too."

I laughed, looking over my shoulder while changing into pajamas, "Why? Won't your photos look strange with two whites and a red in there?"

"Maybe so, but I know this fucking photographer. She's going to make everyone take pictures with people wearing their same color..."

"Oh, he was originally green?"

"He was originally green."

"He can wear green, Ali. I bet he looks good in green with his dark hair and eyes."

Alison began speaking loudly from the bedroom as she changed as well, "No, he does. I mean, you look better. But I'm not tempting the fates."

I walked around the corner a moment later as she was sliding her pants up her legs. I slapped her ass softly from behind as I wrapped my other hand around her bare waist, flexing my fingers across her torso. She gasped before settling into my arms. "Please don't worry about it, sweetheart." I kissed up her neck delicately, loving the feeling of her in my arms.

"I'm not worr –"

" – don't even attempt to finish that sentence. Lightning will strike you down for lying."

She sighed, rotating in my arms, "I just don't want him to go back on everything we discussed this week. It was mind-numbing to even get to this point, so if it falls through the cracks somehow... I'll be upset."

"I'm sure you did all you could. Do you want to talk about it?" My thumbs rested into the dimples on her lower back as I stared lovingly down at her.

She shook her head, "No, not at all. I'm sorry for even bringing him up." Her eyes closed as she inhaled deeply, "Sorry. Trying to reset my thought processes this week has been more difficult than I assumed it would be."

"You spent years putting that relationship first. You probably had to, especially as you first separated and everything." I soothed the curve of her waist with my hand, "I don't blame you for that."

Alison exhaled again trying to get out of her own head, "I know you don't. It's fucking easy to write you some notes and call it a day though, Emmy. I was serious when I said I wanted to spend my time building our family. I meant that. Us two being in sync is the first step toward making that a reality."

"I hear you, but don't stress yourself out trying to get something perfect that never will be. We're going to have fuck ups, baby. All I can promise you is to be your soundboard through it. Finish getting dressed." I kissed her forehead, "I'll go get the fire started. Love you."

The night proceeded perfectly after Alison came downstairs, finally getting out of her head. We sat on the floor against the seat of her couch, cuddled in front of the blazing fire. Times felt simpler than six days prior, as if stopped for us to hold it between us. My mind was no longer swarming. My anxiety had relatively subsided. With her in my arms, there was no need for swarming, no need for anxiety. Life slowed down with Alison. I cherished every additional touch on my skin. I craved the way she whispered in my ear as if we weren't the only two people in the room. I coveted her every glance into my eyes. Because maybe if I never looked away, the world around us would follow along. And just stop.

* * *

Alison hadn't been exaggerating when she told me that Christmas Picture Day was a staple in the DiLaurentis family. We pulled into her parents' driveway after church with our clothes hanging in the backseat. Alison ushered to get our clothes out while I focused on getting Jacob out of his booster seat.

"Tell me more about this, J. The seatbelt tucks underneath to fasten it and then?"

"You buckle acwoss. Iss not hawd."

"You've been in a big boy seat for a while. I've never even seen one. Can you give me some patience?"

He nodded, wrapping his arms around my neck and latching on for me to carry him. Alison raised her eyebrows in the backseat across from me and mouthed 'I love you'.

"Is Picture Day fun? I'm a newbie."

"Iss weawy wong. We can do it togever dough?"

"You'll be my buddy today?" I asked, moving Jacob to my hip before connecting my left hand with Alison. "I'd love that. How pretty do you think Mommy will look today?"

He put one hand under his chin in thought, "She's always pwetty. So dat's hawd for me."

"I get what you mean." Alison reached over to rub Jacob's hair as I continued up the stairs toward the front door, "She's like the prettiest girl in the entire world, so how could she get even more gorgeous today?"

"You two are just full of compliments . Thank you." She leaned forward to kiss both of our faces before ringing the doorbell. "Jake, I might not be with you much today before the pictures so it's up to you to work on your L's. If your dad, Emily, or I correct you, it's because you missed an L. Remember what Daddy told you?"

"Don't get mad. We awe twying to hep."

"Hell-p." I whispered into his ear while tickling him, causing him to squirm in my arms.

The door opened as Alison hit my side with the back of her hand to cut it out. A lovely brunette in her mid-40s opened the door to welcome us in as Alison greeted her, "Sarah! So good to see you! Are we in the back yet or still in the family room?"

"Family room, Alison!" She shouted over her shoulder as I set Jacob down to run after his mom, "Hi, I'm Sarah. House manager. You must be Emily."

I laughed shaking her hand, taking in the mansion in front of me, "Yes, Emily. Alison's girlfriend. Nice to meet you."

"Happy to have you all here today. Would you like anything to drink? I believe we're sticking with water, tea or soda right now but champagne will be available later in the day."

"Water for the three of us would be great. Thank you."

She nodded, "Of course. Go ahead. The family room is straight ahead and to the right. You can't miss it."

Turning the corner, the family room was packed with hair and makeup around the room. A different family member in every chair. Others piled in the middle greeting each other despite just spending an hour together at church. Aria was the first to run up to me.

"Emily! Jase sprung it on my on the way over that you were joining us this year! So happy to have another female significant other on my side."

"Happy to be here. Do you mind me asking what the hell all this is? I thought my minimal makeup and straightened hair would be sufficient for the day."

"Jessica will need to sign off on the whole look. You can check with her about timing, but most likely she'll want to see you close to the top. Anyone being newly added to the photos gets special treatment to make sure they meet her 'standards'. "

"Dear God. I thought Alison was fucking with me about that last night." I grabbed Aria's shoulder in desperation.

"You'll find that your girlfriend does not joke when it comes to her mother. There is no time for that. Only time for etiquette."

"That reminds me! I have a question." I pulled Aria briefly to the side, "Do you kiss Jason in front of them?"

"Here I would, sure. They have an issue with PDA though. Is that what you're talking about?" she laughed.

"Yeah. They like stared us down at dinner last weekend when we barely kissed at the dinner table."

"Don't worry. It's a thing. I mean, they have to watch the couples kiss today. Seems like they should get over it."

I shook out my shoulders, "Speaking of, is it weird to have people staring at you while taking couples shots?"

"They do those last, so most people come inside for a break or snack or to get ready for dinner." She placed her arm on my forearm, "Really, you'll be fine. It's not a big deal."

I thanked Aria while walking toward Alison's mother who waved at me to grab my attention, wrapping me in another hug for the day. "Hi, sweetheart. I believe Alison took the downstairs guest room to get her and Jake ready. Go get changed for me and we'll figure out if anything needs to be done with your hair or makeup."

"Sounds great. Thank you for having me in your home, by the way. I really appreciate it."

"Of course, my dear. Now, hurry on. We can't start initial photos late or we'll be in a world of trouble later on. Guest room is at the end of the hall."

I knocked on the door and waited for Alison's go ahead. She was standing in her dress unzipped down the back as she leaned over the bed trying to help Jacob with his belt while he was standing up on the bed.

"Don't you look handsome there, J!"

"Fanks! Mommy got it fow me. Dah belt is new too!"

I walked toward the bed, giving him a high five, "Great job on belt! Remember to pause and think of your sentences first though. You're still talking fast which makes you have to pause before that L. Think about it, then say it."

"Emily's right, Bug. Take your time and let us know if you need help with anything."

"Speaking of help," I whispered, trailing my fingers up her revealed spine, "Need some help with this, babe?" She straightened up for me to slide her zipper up her back.

"That'd be great, Em. Should Jake have a tie or no tie?"

"No tie!" Jacob yelled, jumping off the bed before running over to his lacquered shoes.

"I think a tie would be cute for the group shots, maybe no tie for the family shots?"

"That sounds like a good compromise, Bug! You want to try what Emily said?"

Shoes still unlaced, he held the tie above his head to speak, "Daddy can tie, wight?"

"Yes, sweetie. Go ask Dad to tie your tie and your shoes, okay? Mommy and Emily will be right out." She exhaled, turning around to me, "Your clothes are hung on the shower in there. I'm waiting for your novelty to wear out. That's the only thing I can blame him following all of your ideas without complaint while screaming anytime Car or I suggest something."

"I'll take the novelty." I replied while smirking and pulling my dress over my head. "Come stand next to me. I want to see how hot we are."

Alison stood next to my shoulder as she fluffed her already curly hair before turning to adjust my dress over my ass, "Oh, there's a ripple." She muttered, giving it a light slap as she looked back in the mirror. "We definitely look hot, Em."

I rotated toward her, "Look at me?" She blushed as she turned, "You look amazingly beautiful. These photos might need a 'Not Safe For Work' warning after seeing how hot we are."

"Shut the fuck up." She jested, grabbing my hand to walk us back out to the family room.

"Wait! Quick kiss."

Alison's hand rested on my chest as she kissed me gently, barely pulling my bottom lip with hers. "I love you. Let's go."

* * *

So far things were going well. Carter and I hadn't spoken a single word to each other. We nodded amicably as I walked into the room from getting changed while he and Alison briefly kissed on the cheek.

"I fixed Jake's tie for him, but he wanted to do the bunny song with Emily or something?" He mumbled stepping backward as Alison fixed Carter's own tie.

"I'll teach it to you tomorrow night. Will that work?"

"Yeah, sure. Or Emily can text me a YouTube video or something?" He glanced over at me, shrugging his shoulders.

"I'll send it to him tomorrow, Ali." I traced my hand along Alison's waist as I passed them, making my way toward Jacob. "J? I heard you want to do the bunny song to tie your shoes!"

"Wiw you teak Daddy? He twied but only knew the bunny eaws pawt."

"Yes, I'm teaching Daddy this week." I picked up my dress to be above my knees as I knelt down in front of Jacob. "I do need you to go back in that sentence for me though. The very first word you said. Will. Think about it." I paused, pointing to my head. "And try it again. Tongue to the back of your top teeth."

"Will."

"There you go. Whole sentence?"

"Will you teak Daddy?"

I looked up at him from the sofa he was seated on with eyes filled with more pride than my graduation day. How could I feel so much power behind the words of someone who wasn't mine? As if his triumphs were my own. "I hope you know how proud I am of you, J. You're going to have those L's in no time."

"Ms. Dean say not to wowk on my R's yet, but can you do dem fow me?"

"R's are a much harder sound, sweetie. It's not as simple as putting your tongue in the right place. We can try though, if you'd like. Right foot." I called out as he held out his hands into L's before kicking forward the correct foot. "Watch me, then your turn. Say it with me. Bunny ears, bunny ears, playing by a tree. Criss-crossed the tree trying to catch me. Bunny ears, bunny ears jumped into the hole. Popped out of the other side beautiful and bold. Ta-da!"

"Ta-da!" He announced, getting Alison's attention away from her mom to walk over to us. "My tuwn."

"Turn, J. Rrrrr." I looked over my shoulders, "As a heads up, Jacob asked for me to start correcting his R's. Is that cool?"

Alison rested her hands on my shoulder as I still was kneeled in front of him trying to get his bunny ears perfect to start the song. "Yeah, of course. Mom wants us to restraighten your hair and make your eyes more defined, Em. Can I take over on this second shoe so you can get started?"

I nodded while standing up, kissing Alison lightly. One of her hands fell flush on my torso, gripping my cotton dress as I pulled away. "I'll be back soon, promise."

"I'll miss you."

Jason scoffed at the other end of the couch, "God, you two are nauseating."

"Oh, eff off, Jason! So sorry you and your wife aren't in the honeymoon stage anymore." Alison rotated behind her to find her best friend, "Sorry, Aria."

"No offense taken." She held up her hands.

* * *

"Can we get Jacob to join the DiLaurentis' down here, please?" The photographer announced, causing my head to shift back to the moment at hand.

"Emmy, wasn't he with you?" Alison asked from her mother's side as Jessica readjusted Alison's hair.

I called over my shoulder, already starting to walk, "Carter took him back up to the house to use the restroom and come right back. I'll go grab him."

The DiLaurentis' lived on what I only knew to call an estate. Climbing the stairs up from the open field at the back of the property, I saw Carter and Jacob walking out of the backdoor from the pool.

"J, your Mom needs you for pictures."

"Go ahead, Bug. Don't hold them up down there."

Jacob jogged ahead as I held out my hand to help him down the last few stairs. I watched him reach Alison who knelt down to adjust his clothes before being spun around to follow instructions for photos.

"So, J now is it?" Carter asked, walking up behind me.

"That's what he asked me to call him, so yeah." My tone remained flat as I crossed my arms. From down below, I watched as Alison's face went from smiling to then quickly hesitant once she saw Carter and I speaking.

"Oh, you're actually still upset at me?"

"And you're actually asking that question right now? Okay..." I scoffed, walking back down the stairs toward the champagne.

He jogged to catch up with me, "Look, I already told Alison that I wouldn't be an issue today. I don't know why I would be; I don't hold anything against you."

The champagne I was drinking got caught in my throat, "You? Hold something against me? Like what? What would you have to hold against me? And don't even think about saying answering questions for your son about his cancer because you've now approved it. That's a non sequitur at this point."

He stood there looking back at Alison and shrugging before she made eye contact with me. I held up an 'okay' sign before continuing to speak, "I can't help but think that you're trying to gaslight me. Make me look like some sort of bad guy in front of Alison and her family through instigating me right now. Otherwise, it makes no sense why we're speaking."

"No Em, I'm just trying to be the bigger person."

I sighed, "First up, my name is Emily. You have not earned any sort of nickname here. Second off, there's no such thing as you being the bigger person here. You threw me under the bus for 3 minutes straight on the phone last week? You somehow convinced Alison that uninviting me from church last week was the only way you could be a grown man about the situation? And now you're coming up to me for a conversation by starting it with 'I don't hold anything against you.' Not an apology. Not a thank you. Not a let's start over."

"I can see that this conversation won't be productive."

"It sure won't be, Carter. Humble yourself a bit because you're not going to get me upset today. You're not going to make me angry or rile me up. I'm trying to let what you said go, and I would love for you to extend the opportunity for me to do that by remaining silent. Don't dig the ditch for yourself more."

"Whatever." He started turning away.

"One more thing. I'm just confused about your contempt for me. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman or because it's hurting you more than you thought to see Alison fall in love with someone again, but you need to figure it out. All I'm guilty of at this point is loving your ex and your son. And if that's what you're going to hold against me, so be it. But at least have the guts to say it to my face."

Carter looked over his shoulder, "I don't have to like you, Emily."

"I don't have to like you either." I heard rustling in the grass behind me as Alison was running up to the conversation. I reached backward to hold her hand, "But we have to respect each other. I respect your role as Jacob's father and co-parenting with my girlfriend. You have yet to respect my role. It's that simple."

"Yep, okay. Heard you loud and clear." He rolled his eyes while walking away.

"Everything okay here?" Alison concernedly asked, holding on my wrist with her other hand.

"Yeah, sweetheart." I kissed her forehead not wanting to mess up her make up. "He's just trying to ruffle feathers."

"Really? What did he say?"

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" I smirked, sending her into a breathtaking smile. "I don't want to talk about him at all today. What he said is unimportant to today, okay? I promised you that there was no reason to worry about it."

"You did promise that."

The photographer called from behind us, "Looking for all of the Schoen's. Reverend, Joan, Carter and Jacob."

"And I meant it, Ali." I stepped behind her to wrap my arms around her waist as we watched them all get settled. "You excited to join in on those photos in a second?"

"Don't remind me. I'm ready for our photos, but just knowing that Carter tried to instigate something pisses me off."

"Let it go." I kissed her cheek. "These photos are for Jake, not for Carter."

"You're right." Her hands laced with mine as we watched the Schoen's take photos. Carter flung Jacob around, putting him on his shoulders for the next round of shots. "He's a great dad though, isn't he?"

"He is. Focus on that. Jacob is dearly, dearly loved."

"Alison?" The photographer asked to their side. "We're ready for you."

"Be right back." She whispered, kissing my cheek.

It was fascinating to watch all of them interact for a few shots before just Alison, Carter, and Jacob were in frame. The photographer did a great job finding poses for them that still showed their connection as parents but without being romantic. With the three of them altogether, it was clear to see how much of an equal split Jacob was of his parents. I noticed as Alison in between pose changes would ask a question causing Carter's face to subtly change. I watched her spin to help take off Carter's tie while whispering in his ears, making him take a step further away from her. Despite not knowing what was being said, Carter was doing his best to hold it together. Because even from afar, I could sense his growing anger.

After a few more shots, the photographer spoke again, "Can we get some with just Jacob and Carter, and just Jacob and Alison?"

"Can E do pigtuwes too?"

"I don't know if that's the best – " Alison started saying.

Jacob turned putting Alison's face between his hands, muttering seriously, "Pigtuwes wif E."

Alison looked over his shoulder at Carter who simply shrugged in the face of his son's request. "Do you mind we get a few shots of the four of us, Alex?"

"No, go ahead!" The photographer reassured as Alison waved me over.

A sense of heaviness covered the scene as I walked into the frame, Jacob still on Alison's hip as Carter and I stood on either side of her. He groaned ready for photos to be over as Alison spoke under her breath again.

"Smile for me, guys!"

Jacob announced 'cheese' as the flash went off around us for what had to be the world's most awkward photos as we all quickly let go for the rest of the shoot to continue. About 10 minutes later, Alison called me back over for our couple shots.

She placed one of her hands just under my chest as she looked up at me, "You look nervous. All you have to do is follow my lead, okay?"

I nodded as she leaned up to kiss my forehead while on her tiptoes, "Stay right there, you two!" Alex called from beside us. "Eyes closed. Perfect. Emily, left hand on her hip. Just like that. Great."

"See?" She pulled back to look back in my eyes, "Alex is great about directing us. You don't have to do anything but listen and act like you're in love."

"Sounds easy enough, beautiful." I brushed some hair out of her eyes while shaking out my shoulders.

"No need to be nervous here, Emily. Alison, can we get a kiss to maybe loosen her up?" Alison turned her head to her left to wait for instruction, "Emily, right hand on Alison hip. Alison can you bring your left leg forward just a little bit so she can barely tilt you back? We're talking barely, ladies! Alison, keep your hand right there on her chest. Whenever you're ready."

"Go for it, Emmy." She whispered, smiling up at me as I brought her in.

As our lips met, she barely whimpered causing me to bite my lip as I pulled away, "You alright?"

She nodded, "I love you. That's all."

"I love you too." I let the words hover just above her lips as she filled in the gap between us.

My heart beat faster the moment we reconnected, having not kissed much at all throughout the day. As though I had forgotten the calm that came from her in my arms. She gasped as I deepened the kiss, ignoring the extended flash around us. My left hand moved up for my finger to linger just beneath her chin, bringing her lips more deeply into mine as Alex began speaking again.

"Got that. Now pull away slowly for me, Emily, keep your hands where they are. Alison, drop yours carefully. Just look at each other."

Alison's eyes fluttered as we pulled away, her laughing the moment our eyes reached each other. "Who knew one I love you was all you needed?" She whispered before continuing to stare.

"So cute, ladies. Step away for me." As Alison stepped backward though, I extended my hand out to keep ahold of her hip.

"Emmy!" She giggled, trying to push me away.

"Nope, never mind!" Alex announced, "Stay there. Alison, laugh again for me. Emily, just be."

"You hear that, baby? I don't need any direction." I winked, getting Alison to laugh into my chest again.

"Perfect. Those three poses look great. Is there anything else you two wanted specifically?"

Alison held out her finger, "Give us one second. Earlier I was talking Carter down during our photos because Jacob kept bringing up taking pictures with just the two of us. I know we mentioned letting that be Jake's decision, but if you're okay with it, I'm pretty sure he's game."

"What do you think?"

"It's not going out as a Christmas card or anything. But if Jacob wants it, I think we should try it out."

"Even if Carter will be upset?" I asked, looking up toward the house where Carter and Jacob were seated on the rock wall.

"I told him to get over it earlier. He was fine with it being Jacob's decision."

"Okay, we can try it." I shrugged as Alison began calling up the lawn.

"Jake? Did you still want a picture with Mommy and Emily?"

We watched as Jacob excitedly, stood up and saying something to Carter, who held his hand to help him make the three foot drop. His precious face running was the only 'yes' we needed.

"Mommy, you membered!" He announced, out of breath as he wrapped his arms around Alison's leg.

Alison leaned down, "Let's not make this so formal. Okay, Bug." She untucked his white button down shirt and pulled it off to only reveal his white t-shirt underneath. "Is that cozier?" She asked as he nodded. "Belt or no belt, Jake?"

"Think about it." I replied, waiting for him to pause and think of the word.

He spoke without lapse, "No belt."

"There we go." Alison reassured, working it through the loops. "How's that?"

"Good! E, you hold me dis time? Mommy hold me wif Daddy. And Daddy hold me wif Nana and Papa."

"I can hold you, J. Come here." I opened my arms as he adjusted himself on my hip between us. "How's this look, Alex?"

"Look great! Can we get a kiss on each of his cheeks?"

"Nooo!" He squealed between us, as Alison and I quickly turned to kiss him before he could protest too much.

"You're the one that wanted pictures, Jacob."

"Not kisses!"

"You're too adorable to not get kisses, Bug." Alison replied, starting to tickle his stomach as I squeezed his sides.

"No, Mommy! No!"

I stepped to my right to adjust Jacob to my other hip, "I'll save you, J. Don't worry." I kissed Alison's cheek before winking as I pulled away. "There you go. All safe."

"Fanks, E." He exhaled, resting his head on my shoulder

I gasped, turning toward him, "Oh wait! What's that?"

"What's what?"

"The tickle monster!" I announced, continued tickling his side until he fell to his right, causing me to catch him around the waist and ankles.

"You got him?" Alison asked, turning my face toward hers with her palm.

"Don't worry, babe. I'm never letting either of you go."

And holding Jacob upside down while he was laughing hysterically, Alison brought me in for a kiss as the flash and snap of the camera started going off around us. Far from perfect, but a perfect representation of the three of us. We could be messy and not fully put together, but we did it with laughter, togetherness, and love. This felt like the first step Alison was discussing the night before. A part of the foundation to building forever. To building our family. Those two words had never sounded more perfect in my mind until right then. Because until then, part of me thought that I could never get back to this feeling. This feeling of peace.

_Our family._

* * *

**A/N: Coming back to this chapter reminded me that it is truly one of my favorites. All together, it is the perfect balance of drama, love, fluff, and sentimentality. Hope you guys agree. It just makes me smile! :)  
**

**Reminder to check me out under secretpen28 on Patreon if you enjoy these stories! We are 2 chapters in to an exclusive story over there. (Chapter 3 will be posted on Sunday!) I hope you'll join us! Also, big shoutout to my top tier Patrons armybrat8 and SquishyAnon **for their consistent support. It means so much.**** **  
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**See you all on Sunday for the next chapter!**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	19. Insult to Injury

**A/N: Hi everyone! Welcome to another installment of "I just couldn't cut this chapter down". The only place I could cut it made it a 3,000 word chapter and a 9,000 word chapter... soooo instead, here's a little over 12,000 words just for you all! Depending on response, maybe I'll even post another full chapter on Thursday! Haha Love you all! Happy Valentines Day :)**

* * *

Getting out of the shower Tuesday morning, Alison ducked her head around the corner, smirking at my nude figure before blushing, “Yes?”

She shook her head attempting to get the needle back on track, “So sorry. Forgot where I was.” Loving the light attention, I spun in a circle, intentionally shaking my ass her way. Her hand quickly came up to cover her eyes, still unable to hide the blush and dimples smattered across her cheeks, “I got an email with the brief edits for the photos late last night. Want to go over them with me? I haven’t looked.”

I laughed as she barely peeked through her fingers, “I must tell you that I don’t quite trust what you’re saying at this time. You seem to be looking an awful lot.” Wrapping the towel around myself before heading for the closet, I replied, “I’ll be right there. Just let me throw on a big shirt or something.”

Coming back into our bedroom, I paused by her side of the bed, barely bending over to kiss her softly. She grunted in surprise and intrigue, “What was that for?”

“You’re extremely cute when you’re shy.” I kissed her nose before sitting down on the bed in front of her, scooting to squeeze between her legs as she placed her iPad on my lap.

“So Alex picks her favorite shot from each section of small group shots everyone took and does a brief edit before sending full edits out in a week or so. This will give us an idea of which prints we want to order, how we want Christmas cards to look like based on horizontal or vertical design, and everything else that goes into it. What folders do you want, babe? Do we even try to fuck with our four-person shot?”

“Not at all. Go to me, you, and J.”

Alison scrolled to one of the last folders, entering the password as she clicked it open before the first full photo hit the screen. In front of us was an unstaged shot of the three of us trying to help Jacob get ready. Alison was in the middle of helping get his belt off, crouched in front of him as I was leaned over Alison, one hand on her right shoulder as my other casually fixed his hair. Both us were looking at him with beaming smiles as his shoulders were pulled up to his ears giggling.

I felt Alison’s lips casually against my neck as she whispered, “You look so beautiful, Emmy.”

“So do you. I love your genuine smile, and we look so in love with him. It’s a precious photo.”

She adjusted my wet hair to the side before continuing, “If you want, we can just stop here. I think we found the best one.”

“I do love this one, but remember we’re looking for one to put in the alcove by the stairs.”

“You’re right. Too soon for this shot.” She settled one hand on top of mine, linking our fingers together.

I turned, kissing her temple, “We can save this one for a house we actually have together, you know? A house of our own that Jacob lives in too.”

The sentence surprised me as much as it did her. After figuring out our traveling arrangements as part of our relationship nearly a month ago, we didn’t discuss that ever changing. Just as we glazed over me being hesitant to get married. Just as we side-stepped future conversations with Carter. It’s not that we avoided the uncomfortable. We both trusted each other enough that when any of those issues became too much, we believed that the other would speak up about it. It’s not that I hadn’t meant what I said. Of course, I pictured perfection for us. I dreamed of the day that the back and forth was unnecessary. The day when having Alison in my arms each morning was the inevitable and not only sometimes a reality. But the words escaped my lips as though that future was guaranteed. As if this home wasn’t ours. As if there was another waiting for us out there. One for the three of us. One that might even be better than the dose of perfection we had already conjured up.

She shrugged, pulling me back against her chest, “Oh my, when is that happening, Dr. Fields?”

“I don’t know. The future?”

“Well, I love the sound of the future then.” She wrapped her arms tighter around my waist, before, thankfully, letting it go. “Okay, let’s see. Next up, the upside down shot.”

Jacob hung upside down, his shirt falling toward his eyes as he squinted tightly wrapped up in my arms. Alison and I stood above him delicately kissing. I could see the smile starting to spread across Alison’s lips as my face appeared perfectly content.

“Look at you smiling, sweetheart.” I nudged back with my elbow.

“Can you tell that you make me so fucking happy?”

“I already knew that, but it’s comforting to see it from a different perspective. Like it’s not all made up in our heads.”

“It’s definitely not. We’re sickeningly happy.”

“I like this one, Ali, but it’s not as good as that casual shot. Are there any of us kissing his cheeks?”

“I like the casual shot better too.” She swiped over the minimized images in the file, “No, that one’s not in here, which means it might not be as cute, or it needs to be edited because of lighting issues, or Jacob having half an eye open or something.”

“Let’s assume I was the issue. I’d rather not blame J.”

Alison’s left arm draped around my waist as she cupped underneath my upper thigh to bring my leg toward my chest, “I love how much you love him, Emmy.”

I turned to face her, my eyes smiling, “I told you I would. Loving you both has been the best thing to happen to me in a long time.” I kissed her gently, opening my eyes only to look at the clock behind her, “Let’s look at our photos really quickly. I need to be leaving in less than thirty and still have to dry my hair.”

She turned without saying words, opening the next file reserved for just us two. The photos opened on our first shot of Alison on her toes kissing my forehead in reassurance.

“That angle makes your tits look great, Ali.” I nuzzled back into her, “They’re always great. But damn, I’m lucky.” Picking up my hand to place it over hers still lingering on the screen, I clicked to the next shot as I spoke, “This is cute and all, but the next kiss is going to be…”

I tapped the screen as our kiss popped up. It wasn’t actually a kiss though. It was the moment we were starting to pull away. A small smirk passing Alison’s lips as I withdrew with a broad smile, my fingers tucked just beneath her chin.

“It’s this one.” She said it matter-of-fact. Because that one photo held everything you needed to know about the two of us in a single shot. Our trust spellbound between a single glance. Care and candor laced behind my fingertips. Our smiles the only thing in the photo needed to see that love was the only emotion coursing through our veins.

“It’s this one, Ali. You wrote the measurements of the alcove in your phone, right?”

She nodded, kissing my neck, “I did. Do you mind if I buy it?”

“Mmm – “ I shrugged into her, losing myself quickly, “It’s for my house though.”

“Consider it your birthday gift then.”

“You’re already taking me out next week though?”

“Christmas gift?” She kissed my cheek again, “New Year’s gift?” And again, “Hanukkah?” And again, “MLK Day?”

I laughed into her continued pecks, “MLK Day it is.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too. I have to actually get ready now. You know I’m trying to get off work early Friday.”

She kissed my cheek one more time before letting me go, allowing her fingers to linger on the end of my shirt as I walked away. There was a feeling Alison gave me that was indescribable, but I felt lighter in the moments after seeing her. She took away the heaviness the world placed upon me throughout the week.

No, maybe take away is the wrong idea.

Instead, Alison sees my heaviness, acknowledges it, and then stands beside me to carry it with me. To make sure I don’t have to do anything alone. With her, we are a unit. And apart, I knew that stayed. That she would forever carry my burdens.

I got dressed quickly before starting on my makeup and hair. About 20 minutes later, I peeked back into our bedroom. I could only stare because there she was, her back facing me, still looking at the screen. Just staring at the photo we had selected to hang. Looking at us lovingly in the quiet.

“I’m about to go, sweetheart. Did you figure out the Christmas card?” I whispered, wrapping my arms around her neck.

“I think so. I’ll need to clear it with Carter, but I think this one with Jacob on his dad’s shoulders is it. You really won’t let me send one with the four of us?”

“That one is really cute, sweetheart. And not yet. I think it would be a lot for Carter to process. I don’t know. If I saw Ashton on a Christmas card with anyone even now, it would be a lot for me to handle. I wouldn’t want to cross a line. There is always next year.”

She stretched her neck forward to kiss me, “And the year after that.”

“And the year after that. And the year after that.” I gave her one last peck, “While I’m gone, please try and make sure all of the sexual post-its are found. Please.”

“Have a great day, Em. I’ll do my best.”

“Alison, really. It will be better for both of us.” She laughed, as we briefly kissed.

“I can only think of like 3 you haven’t mentioned to me yet. I’ll try to find those. Promise.”

“Thank you.” I turned around once I reached the door, “Also, you’re adorable staring at that photo. You make me happy; never forget that.”

“Sickeningly happy.”

\---

“Anything else you need help with tonight, J?”

He shook his head, "No, we did this thuff last week. Iss easy.”

“Good. Want me to grab your Mom for questions then? Is your Dad joining?”

“I fink he is. I go get him.”

“Okay.” I paused, to turn and yell downstairs, “Sweetheart. Question Time.” After a few moments, Jacob reentered the room with Carter in tow. “Hey, Carter.”

“Hey, Emily. I hear it’s question time?”

“It is, Daddy! E wistens and tells me duh answers.”

Carter sat down, placing his hand on Jacob’s knee, “One more time, Bug. Listens. Luh-luh. Listens.”

“There’s my boys!” Alison announced from behind me, coming into frame. “Hey, babe.” She whispered, kissing my cheek.

“Great. First up, tell them what we talking about earlier.” I introduced the conversation.

“I fink I need…” he paused trying to form the word in his head before saying it aloud, “…glasses.”

“Good job with glasses, J. Can you tell your parents what you told me?”

“I can’t say the word…” He looked down at his lap.

“Bug, it’s okay. Do your best; some words will always be hard.” Alison wrapped her hands around mine as we all listened.

“It’s bwurry far away.”

I interjected, “We were working on a problem with a picture, and he had to pick up the page in his book and bring it closer to his face. And I know that it was one of his symptoms last time, but his 4 year follow up appointment is in 2 weeks, right? First week of December? I figured with Thanksgiving week coming up, that’s probably not possible to switch. So maybe we could get him in for glasses first? Rule that out or in.” I stopped, brushing my hair back. “Sorry. I’m talking a lot because I’m nervous. Sorry.”

Alison lifted my hand up to kiss the back of it as Carter spoke, “No, that sounds fine. We can figure something out. I think you’d look pretty spiffy in glasses, Bug.”

“Yeah, Jake. Could you tell your eyes were blurry? Or did Emily have to point it out to you?”

“E kestioned me. She assed if I had any headaches or uhver stuff I used to have. But I don’t. I don’t feel sick, Mommy. I pwomise.”

“Okay, babe. I can call tomorrow and see when they can get you in. Did you have other questions for E before we pick out our Christmas card?”

“Yeah, Dad wote dem down today.” Jacob opened a piece of notebook paper, “Why do needles huwt me? Dey leave bwusies.”

I leaned forward, resting my hand on my jawline, “Do you mean why do they hurt going in, or are you asking only about the bruises?”

He shrugged, “I guess bof.”

“Alright. Well needles hurt going in because of our nerve endings. Remember when we were talking about your scar site being numb because of those nerves. Those are all over us.” Jacob nodded, “Think about it this way. You know when you bump your head like on a wall or something? Tell me, does that hurt a lot or a little?”

“A… luh-luh lot. But it goes fast.”

“Exactly, that’s because the pain goes to a bunch of nerve endings so the pain receptors in your brain can’t fully trace where the pain exactly came from. And so unless you’re really really hurt, typically that goes away fast because of all of the nerve ending that pick it up. But with a needle, it’s so small that your pain receptors know exactly where to go. So it hurts for a longer amount of time, especially with those needles that stay in your body, right? Do you know the word IV?”

“I don’t fink so.”

“It’s a shortened word standing for Intravenous Therapy, which basically means that it goes into your veins. You’ve probably been on an IV a few times before. It helps you stay hydrated after surgeries, but the nurses probably kept a needle in you on the top of your hand or your arm right here. Do you remember that?”

Alison interrupted, “You had one at your check up in June, Bug.”

“I member.”

“Cool. Well those needles are uncomfy because your pain receptors can tell that something is poking it a bunch. But afterward, the bruises are for a few reasons. For most people, like me or your parents, we don’t get many bruises after shots probably. But your immune system works a little differently than ours because you’re younger and because of your previous radiation. So, your body is probably more sensitive to those needles. The other reason might be because your nurses didn’t do the best job. Human bodies are super detailed, right? We have veins and nerves, and pain receptors, and those are just things we’ve talked about today. Sometimes nurses and doctors, even though they’re trained, might mess up a bit. And instead of the needle going into your tissue, if it’s a shot, or your vein like with an IV, it goes too far or not far enough to where it needs to go and blood leaks out as your blood is clotting. But it’s not usually a big deal at all, J. The bruise hurts because it’s a bruise, not because you’re actually hurt. Does that make sense?”

“Are Emily’s answers always this detailed?” Carter turned to ask Jacob, who nodded before replying.

“She duh best. She knows a lot of stuff, Daddy.”

“I can see that, Bug. Want to ask your next one…” He looked away from the screen after pointing to his paper.

“Yeah, but dis kestion Emlee pwobably can’t answer.”

“But it’s about your cancer, J?” I asked, concerned.

“Mmm-hmm. I asked Daddy but he said that Mommy needed to answer too.”

“Oh, great.” Alison muttered next to me.

“Should I leave?” I asked Alison’s direction.

“No, Emily. You can stay; it’s fine.” Carter replied. “It’s not a secret. Go ahead, Bug.”

Jacob paused, looking back and forth from the screen to his Dad before posing, “Did my cancer make you guys divorce?”

“Ahh…” Alison stopped, grimacing at the question. “… I see why you wanted me here, Car.”

“Yeah, he asked me about 15 minutes before the Zoom. I – “

“ – It’s cool. I’ll take it.” She inhaled, “Jacob, I want you to listen to me really carefully when we answer this, okay? You are not your cancer, Bug. Nothing you personally did caused anything to happen between your Dad and me, okay? The cancer diagnosis didn’t _make_ us divorce, Jake. But it made it really hard. Your Dad and I both had different mental health issues that happened because of how hard it was to see you hurting.”

“You’d be togever if it din’t happen dough?”

“I can’t answer that for you, Bug.” She looked up at Carter, “Carter?”

“Jake, your Mom and I would’ve struggled no matter what issue we faced. If it wasn’t the diagnosis, it could’ve been me taking this most recent Vancouver job and leaving every other week. It could’ve been anything, and we probably would’ve had a hard time with it. Your Mom and I love each other very much; that will never go away. But we weren’t very good at being… uh, I don’t want to use too big of a word.”

“Use it and if he doesn’t get it, we can explain.”

“Vulnerable. We weren’t very good at being vulnerable or showing each other when we were hurt. For example, I don’t think your Mom ever saw me cry. I refused to let her see me cry because I knew she was sad too. But I think that hurt us. It’s why I teach you to be okay with crying when you’re hurt. So no, I can’t say for certain, Jake. I don’t know if we would still be together or not. And nothing that you did or will do would have ever impacted that. It’s not on you, Jacob. It’s on us.”

“But it made it hawder?”

“It made it a lot harder, Bug. Those really tough seven or eight months were the hardest part of my whole life so far. And your Dad and I have both started moving forward from when we were married. Like he said, we will always love each other. But we are better parents for you without being married. We know how hard it is going back and forth between us. I’m sure that sometimes you just wish you had a stable place. I would love that for you too, but your Dad and I wouldn’t be stable together. And that stinks, but stability is what is most important for you.”

“You and E are stable den?”

Alison laughed, glancing at me, “E?”

“I’d say so, Jacob.” I replied. “We’re trying really hard to be. But we still have a lot of growing to do together, too.”

“Daddy said he din’t cwy in fwont of you, Mommy. Does Emlee cwy?”

“Yeah, sweetheart. She does.” She laid her head on my shoulder. “I cry in front of her sometimes too.”

“Okay. Dat’s good.”

Carter put his arm around Jacob as he continued, “Like your Mom said, you need stability. And so please don’t think us not being together has anything to do with you, Bug. We love you too much for that thought to ever cross your mind. Think about it this way. If we hadn’t gotten a divorce, Mommy would’ve never found Emily. And if Emily is who makes Mommy feel stable and gives you stability, then it was all worth it. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I wike Emlee.”

“Me too, Bug.” Carter acknowledged.

“Me three.” Alison echoed.

“Thanks, guys. Thank you, Carter.” I gulped. “Christmas photo discussion time? I’ll go start our grilled cheeses, okay?”

“Yep. See you downstairs soon, babe.”

It hadn’t been an apology. Carter hadn’t actually stepped up to admit that he was wrong. That he made judgments too swiftly. But I had to give it to him. He was doing what he had promised Alison. He was moving forward and working to be a united front in front of Jacob. It wasn’t an apology. But it was a reminder that despite our differences, we could and would set anything aside for him.

* * *

For as much as I loved being held in Alison’s arms. For as much as I cherished and yearned for the way her fingers clung to my skin as though needing me beside her. For as much as I lived in the space between her every breath. For as much as I loved her embrace…

It was nothing compared to being wrapped in my mother’s arms after 5 months apart. My mom would forever be my safe place. She protected me from the world during my hardest moments. Whether it be for being out in high school and the ridicule that initially came with that. Or wrecking my new car two weeks after pulling it out of the lot. Or the devastation in the aftermath of my breakup with Ash. Or even making the heartbreaking decision of leaving Texas completely for Baltimore. She forever understood. In her arms, I was forever understood.

A head shorter than me for over half of my life at this point, she still found a way to engulf me in her arms. She squealed as I kissed the side of her head multiple times, sending out all of our pent-up energy in our squeeze.

“You look good, Em.” She stated, pleased as she stepped back from me, walking toward the trunk where my Dad was already loading the car.

“You forgetting about something there, Dad?” I asked, glaring at him as he looked up surprised.

“Right, right. Sorry, Emmy.”

A man of few actions, my Dad shyly wrapped me in his arms. Conditioned for a majority of his life by the military, he was blunt, direct, and avoided too much sentimentality. Despite us having a perfectly fine relationship, in some ways, I felt as though my breakup with Ash impacted him more than me. Because for the first time that he had actually witnessed, he realized his daughter could be heartbroken. His protectiveness of me now radiated through our every conversation. It was comforting to know he cared, but if Alison had anyone to worry about over the next 3 days, it was him. Without a doubt.

He sat in the backseat, allowing Mom and I to catch up in the front, “So Alison didn’t feel it was necessary to come pick us up today with you?” He scoffed.

“We talked about this last week; drop the attitude. But she actually asked if she should, and I told her otherwise. Also, I came straight from work to pick you up this afternoon, and Alison is cooking us dinner. Any other digs you’d like to get out of your system now?”

“Wayne, we discussed this on the plane. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all.”

“And like I told you Pam, I refuse for us to bamboozled by another woman who tries to take advantage of our daughter.”

“That’s unfair to say. I have never been taken advantage of. You raised me better than that. I’m nearly 32, please trust me when I tell you that Alison is amazing. You will love her. Please give her a chance, Daddy.”

“Of course I will, sweetheart. But I’m also going to light her ass a bit when it comes to questions about you two.”

I rolled my eyes from the front seat as I continued, “Well, I already warned her about that. She actually said she was excited for it.” I laughed, smiling toward my mom.

“See, Pam? That’s weird. You know that’s weird!”

“It’s not weird, Dad. She’s really excited to meet you two. She hasn’t met someone’s parents, maybe ever considering her ex and her were friends first. And look, I love her. It’s as simple as that. I love her more than I’ve loved anyone in a long time, Dad. Maybe more than I’ve ever loved anyone. You can quote-unquote light her ass or whatever you want, but she’s here to meet you. To earn an ounce of your approval. Give her a chance because she is not Ash. She’s not her, so don’t make them out to be the same.”

My mom rubbed the top of my hand, “Don’t worry, Emmy. We won’t. He’s just protective. He wants what’s best for you.”

“I want what’s best for me, too. If we weren’t in the place for her to meet you two, then she wouldn’t be meeting you. It’s that easy.”

My parents and I caught up over the course of the 30 minute road home. It felt strange being around people who knew you better than I knew myself in some ways. They raised me and molded me into who I now was in front of them. I loved falling back into our inside jokes and stories about local sights. They were the dose of home that I didn’t know I need but loved having back in front of me. I texted Alison at the light nearest my house so that she wouldn’t be alarmed as we pulled up to the front.

“Sweetheart, we’re home.” I announced as we walked through the front door, my parents and their bags in tow.

She took my breath away simply coming around the corner. In jeans, a blue top, light make-up, and her hair in a ponytail, Alison was everything I knew I wanted to come home to. As amazing as she looked though, her presence is what filled the room. In moments like these, I quickly forgot where I was as the world faded to black around her. All I could see was her. All I wanted was her. All I needed was her.

I carried my mother’s bags to the bottom of the stairs as Alison smartly bypassed me for my parents. “Mr. and Mrs. Fields, it’s so great to have you both here!” She wrapped my mother in a hug, giving her a short kiss on the cheek as she moved to hug my Dad as well.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Alison. Emmy, your house is even cuter in person!”

“Thanks, Mom. We have photos up over here by the bookshelf and in the dining room.” I pointed, giving them permission to look around the first floor.

Alison walked toward me as she continued speaking, “I added a few to the dining room recently. She hadn’t gotten the time to print out the gorgeous photo of the three of you from the holidays last year. It was one of my favorites.” She dropped her voice as she slinked her arms around my waist, “Hi, beautiful.”

“Hi yourself.” I kissed her gently, “The enchiladas smell amazing.”

“You think so? I followed the added notes in the margins that you gave me after the past two times exactly. It has about 10 more minutes to cook, and then I just need to add the cheese for broiling. How are they? As nervous as me?”

“Mom is excited. Dad is skeptical.”

“I can do skeptical.” She nodded, kissing my cheek before leaving one arm around my waist and spinning back to the open room.

“And Emmy? This porch finishing came with the house? You didn’t stain it this color?” My dad asked from the back door.

“Yes, sir. That’s how it came. Looks good with the furniture, right?”

“Pretty good. When’s the last you mowed?”

“Two weeks ago. But it’s snowed on and off the past few weeks, so I don’t think I’ll need to mow it again until the spring. That’s what you said, right Ali?”

Alison raised her voice as she walked towards the kitchen, “Yeah, as soon as first snow hits, there’s really no need. You should go outside, Mr. Fields. The whole yard is really stunning. It’s one of my favorite spots.”

“Mom? Dad? Why don’t you sit outside for a minute? I’ll bring your bags up to your room, and we can let Alison finish up the enchiladas.”

“I’m so impressed, Alison.” My mom interjected as I turned to take everything upstairs, “Emily said you’ve been making smaller batches almost weekly to try and get the recipe exactly right.”

They would be fast friends. Alison and Pam were the easy part for sure. In fact, the more time I let the thought linger, I realized how similar the two actually were. Not in big ways, but in little ways. They both showed others they cared through action. They found delight in personal connection. They lived life as though the present was forever fleeting, living in the moment more than other people I had met. It was no wonder that I found safety in them both. That next to them, I felt eternally invincible.

* * *

About 15 minutes later, Alison and I were making plates for the table as my parents talked casually alone. “Does Tempranillo sound good to drink, guys?”

“Sounds good, Em.”

“I’ll get it if you bring the plates to the table, babe.” Alison whispered, kissing my shoulder as she moved toward the wine rack.

I passed the plates down to my parents before taking a seat myself at the head of the table across the way from my dad. As I sat, my mom leaned to her left, “She is awfully sweet to you, Emmy.”

“It’s cute, isn’t it?” I smirked before looking back at Alison who was staring back lovingly. “Need me to get the glasses?”

“Yeah, the cork is being kind of finicky.”

“Well, the food looks great Alison.”

“Smells good, too. Thank you for cooking for us.”

“I’m a woman of my word! I promised enchiladas in exchange for Kare Kare on Saturday, right?” She walked toward the table, sitting down before looking back up at us all, “Are you a family that says grace?”

My dad looked puzzled at my mom and I as she responded, “Not typically, dear, but we’re not opposed. Would you lead for us?”

“Of course.” She smiled, extending her hands out for my dad and I to hold as we followed suit bowing our heads. “Dear Heavenly Father. We thank you for the safe travels of Emily’s parents and the infinite blessing it is for us, and especially Emily, to have this much-needed time with them. Thank you for this meal tonight and for all of the good you continuously bring to us all. May you continue to enrich our lives and allow this weekend to be a time to bond and get to know one another better. We pray for all of these things in your name. Amen.”

“Amen. Thank you, baby.” I lifted her hand for a short kiss, before reaching for the wine to fill up everyone’s glasses.

A brief silence filled the table as everyone took their first bites, Alison’s eyes darting to see who would make a statement first. I sent a wink her way with my left eye to reassure her.

“This is very good, Alison.” My mom finally stated while reaching for a sip of her wine, “The red sauce is a little different than my recipe. What is that?”

Alison took another bite, smiling, “Cinnamon. It was Emily’s favorite when I tried out different variations to give it my own spin.”

“It’s very good, Alison. I agree.” My dad chimed in, “So, to get the ball rolling…” He paused, leading me to glare up at him as I watched Alison gulp to his right. “… what did Emmy tell you about us before this weekend?”

“Not much, really. She mentioned your service, Mr. Fields and how close you all are from Emily being an only child. But I think over this past month, we’ve both been really focused on making us strong as a couple. So, we discuss our respective families and childhoods for sure, but there’s a lot about you both that I’m excited to learn over the next few days. Also, I’m more than ready for any question you have for me, Mr. Fields. Emily said that you were uncertain about us, probably because of her last relationship, and I don’t blame you for that. If there’s anything I can do to soothe your worries, please let me know. It’s been a while since I’ve dated or met anyone’s family or friends. I’m nervous.” She smirked, reaching again for my hand, “But really excited to just have you guys here. Emily missed you both a lot, and ever since I met your daughter, I’ve wanted to meet the people who raised her. So thank you for allowing me to break into your family time this week. I appreciate it.”

“That’s incredibly sweet, Alison. We’ve been looking forward to this the past few weeks since we spoke over the phone. Any questions Wayne asks are well-intentioned, but you’re right, Emily is our little girl. We want what’s best for her.”

“Thanks guys.” I interrupted. “So happy we’re all on the same page here.”

“I respect your honesty, Alison.”

“Yeah, sure. I mean, Emily and I are in our thirties; we don’t have endless time to waste on relationships that don’t mean something. We’ve made it this far because of our honesty. I have no plans on dropping that for you all. It would be a disservice to what Emily and I have already built.”

It’s not that I ever doubted that Alison would do well with my parents, but she had an uncanny ability to read a room and adjust her cadence and tone to fit the people around her. It was as though she could feel and sense my father’s every worry ahead of him speaking it aloud. She met his worry with confidence. It was incredibly alluring, and it made me more impressed with her than I had been before this conversation.

“I understand that. Based on what you just said, I’d then assume that this relationship means something to you?”

She nodded without hesitation, glancing to me on her right, “Yeah, she means everything to me. Other than my son, she’s truly the first and last thing I consider each day.”

“Awh, Ali.”

“It’s true, sweetheart. I don’t know. Like last week I was on the phone with my friend Hanna who lives in New York.” She paused, looking back at me, “She’ll be at the Christmas gala next month. Can’t wait to meet you.” She shook out her head, turning back to my parents, “But anyways, she asked me how we were doing, and all I could do was smile. I don’t know if the two of you can relate to this in any way, but it’s hard for me to describe how we are as couple. Because when I think about us, I only see light. Even with the hardships we’ve had, being with you is bright. It covers all of that. Like she asked me, Em, and I had nothing to say. I simply love you. You know?”

“Yeah, I know…”

Alison continued speaking and answering my father’s every question without qualm. She replied as though she had expected the question, as if their potential concerns had already passed through her mind. She made them laugh through cute stories of us cooking together. She brought up stories from each of our childhood’s that related to one another. She discussed her faith openly and honestly and reeled my parents in to understanding how and why we fell in love on a deeper level than I even knew she could.

As the conversation kept going though, my mom was the one who looked slightly caught off-guard, “It seems like the two of you have fallen pretty fast then.” I nodded without need to reply. She laughed, jokingly, “I mean, at this point, I’d be surprised if you hadn’t already discussed marriage.”

“We have.” Alison stated, taking another sip of wine, “It’s currently off the table.”

My mom glanced at my father quickly, “Really? Did your divorce impact your views on that?”

“Not at all. I’d love to be married again someday.” Alison looked at me, trying to not give much away. But she saw the hesitation written on my face and moved on, “I think marriage is beautiful. I love what it stands for and how fundamental it is to humanity. The way it breeds connection between two people which is what we all are inherently looking for. With my last marriage though, we were just really good friends. I had known him since I was in diapers, so when I went through a breakup near the end of college, him being there for me was expected. And our friendship kind of blurred those lines between love and loving our ability to be with one another.”

“I understand that, Alison. Early in my life, I definitely had good friends where I constantly questioned if we could be more. I think it’s a natural occurrence.” My mom replied in kind, “If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of showed you the light in terms of you and your ex being better off as friends?”

“I would say through that our son’s cancer diagnosis. We quickly realized that Jacob was the – “

My dad looked up unexpectedly, “I’m sorry. What was that?”

My parents moved their eyes to mine with both concern and apprehension, as Alison followed. She quickly realized as we made eye contact that I hadn’t spoken a word about Jacob’s diagnosis at all. When I told her weeks prior that we didn’t discuss them, I meant it. I only discussed Alison because when it came to my parents, my relationship with her is what actually mattered.

“Em, you didn’t – ?”

I shook my head, “No, it’s not my news to share. It never will be.”

“Okay.” She whispered, looking back at the two of them, “Jacob was diagnosed with a series of brain tumors when he was 3. He’s in remission, so we go for check-ups twice a year. It’s honestly okay now, but it effectively destroyed my marriage with Carter. I think it would for most couples, but especially for couples that were already cracking.” Alison saw the gears still processing in their mind’s eye. So she continued, “You know, Emily’s actually been helping him for a little over a month with tutoring in math and answering questions about his cancer. She’s really stepped in as a third parent for him. He loves her so much. We’ll have to show you the Christmas photos we took this past weekend with my family. You can see how much he trusts her through those. As much as Emily’s been a blessing to me, I think she’s been the biggest blessing to Jake.” She paused again in the silence, “Did you two want seconds at all?”

“No. No, I think we’re alright.” My dad finally replied, “Thank you again for dinner though. And uh, thank you for being so candid.”

“Of course. Let me clean-up for us; I think Emmy got stuff to make smores. Right, sweetheart?”

“I sure did. Even got peanut butter as you requested, Ali. The three of us can go get the fire started?”

As my parents moved toward the backdoor, I ambled to Alison, placing my palms directly on her hip bones as I glided my hands over her hips and toward her lower back, “You’re amazing.” I kissed her temple as she rubbed her hands up and down my arms.

“You could’ve told them, Em.” Her voice lingered as she placed her head on my shoulder.

“I know, but I didn’t want to interfere at all. Tell too much or too little. I didn’t want to overstep.”

“And I appreciate that, but you could’ve given me a heads up at least.” She kissed my collarbone.

“You’re right. I should have told you. How are you feeling?” I pulled away, bringing my palm up to just below her left breast.

Alison exhaled, looking away before making eye contact, “I’m alright. I feel like they may never run out of questions.”

I laughed, “They might not. I think that they think they didn’t do their due-diligence sussing out Ash. But I’m happy they’re asking you these questions and not her. She would’ve crashed and burned.”

“And I’m doing well?” She smirked up at me.

“You’re spectacular. From these jeans right now, which can I take a moment to say ‘damn.’.” I stepped backwards to fan myself, “To just who you are. I love you very much for doing all of this for me.”

“You met a dozen people in 24 hours for me. You win. This is the least I can do.”

Alison leaned toward me, placing her lips delicately on mine as her hands laced around the back of my neck, pulling me toward her. I tightened my grip around her ribcage tilting her barely backward over the countertop. Alison kissed me briefly before leaning away to avoid being caught by us quickly getting carried away.

“Go outside with them. I’ll get this all taken care of, okay?”

“I’ll miss you.” I mumbled, kissing to the left of her lips.

She rolled her eyes, “You’re ridiculous.” But as she saw me pout opening the door she continued, “Okay, okay. I’ll miss you too. See you in a just a minute.”

As Alison came outside about 10 minutes later, my parents and I were just getting situated around the firepit, placing Alison between my mother and me. She sat everything down before wrapping her arms around my neck from behind.

“Told you I’d come back for you.” She tilted her head away, waiting for me to look back at her for a short kiss.

My mom continued the conversation as Alison sat and reached for my hand, “We just wanted to say that we’re so sorry to hear about your son. I’m sure that was a trying time for you.”

Alison continued, “Oh, definitely. It’s still really hard actually. I was hesitant to even start this journey with Emily when we met because of her job. I thought it would be hard to be reminded of a time that was so difficult for me and my family. But it’s been refreshing to feel like I have a partner who can understand what I went through even though she wasn’t there herself.”

“Emmy hasn’t really talked about the night you two met. I’d love to hear it from both of your perspectives!”

I blushed thinking back to the gala, knowing how captivated I was from my first glance at her. I met Alison’s eyes next to me as she ushered me to go first. “Well, I saw Alison first, unless she’s been hiding something from me.” She shook her head. “And I saw her from behind. She was wearing this beautiful red dress with a dip that went to the middle of her back. But I remember noticing your hair and your neck first, if that’s not too weird to say.” I exhaled, “And I just remember saying to myself that I could only dream of you being more beautiful than you were from behind. But then I saw your eyes, and I heard your laugh. And right then, I knew I could listen to your laugh forever and never get bored. I knew that instantly. I saw you looking around the room, so I intentionally looked down knowing that at some point, you would see me.” I tilted my hands her direction to take over.

“You were wearing a black floor length off the shoulder gown, your hair straightened. And the first thing I saw was you fidgeting with your hair. I could tell you were nervous even from across the room. But you looked up at me and smiled taking a sip of your drink without breaking eye contact. Despite your nerves, you were somehow confident enough to make a subtle move from 50 feet away. Then you raised your glass toward mine and nodded, showing off your stunning figure. And I don’t know, I knew I had to talk to you. I knew you were someone worth knowing.”

“But then you didn’t want to dance with me.” I teased.

“No, no. Don’t say that. I was just indecisive. But you let me go. You let me go _really easily_.”

“I wouldn’t say easily… And I got anxious the moment I spun away from you. I was terrified that giving you space was the wrong move. But then you said my name and called me back over to you.”

She nodded, “Because I thought you were too good to pass up, and I wanted to dance with you and talk to you for as long as I could.”

“So then, we danced. And in that moment, I was sold.”

“Right then?” Alison laughed, looking over her left shoulder.

“Yep, as soon as you put your hand in mine, I knew we were destined to be.” I smiled, “When was it for you?”

“Lying in bed that night. I couldn’t get your smile out of my head. And I couldn’t unhear you saying ‘whatever you want’ as I walked away. The longer that echoed and once I got out of my own head, I realized that what I actually wanted… was you.”

“Then our first official date was that Tuesday.” I looked out to my parents who were both staring at us lovingly, “But you count the day we met as when we started dating too, right?”

She nodded, a smile slowly taking shape over her lips, “Yeah. It felt like we were already a couple in that coffee shop to me.” She shrugged, “It doesn’t need a date though. Being yours isn’t tied to a date. It’s tied to a feeling.”

\---

Alison left Sunday morning to make it to church on time with promises to return on Tuesday for my birthday. I sat curled up underneath the blanket on my couch as my mom and dad made breakfast for me. I smiled reminiscing on the events of the weekend, on the small intimate details of having her in front of my parents. For them to see that I was okay. That I was being taken care of in their absence. Alison had already texted me that she had made it to church safely, so I was content with 24 hours alone with my parents.

“Oh!” I softly heard my mother mumbled before she steadily walked into the living room. My heart immediately sunk because in her hands was a green sticky note. “Sweetheart, I found this in the potholder drawer. I don’t think was meant for me…”

“Mom! Let me explain. It was just a cute –“ I spoke quickly as she turned the post-it around.

_I remember when I told you that I was falling in love with you while cooking dinner… What I didn’t tell you was that part of me fell in love with you the moment we met. I fall more in love with you every day, Emily. I’m sure I’ll see you soon and will tell you ‘I love you’ again in person. - Ali_

“Oh, this one’s sweet.” I tilted my head, holding the note in my hands.

“Does she leave notes for you?” I nodded, folding the note to put it into my pants pocket. My mom came to sit to my left. “She loves you a lot, Emmy. That’s apparent. What’s holding you back?”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw the way she looked at you on Thursday when I brought up marriage. She stated that it was off the table and then looked at you. You’re hesitant?”

“I’m not sure if I want to get married at all. It feels like a lot to give your heart to someone forever, especially when I was so ready in my twenties.”

“But it’s something Alison wants?”

I nodded, sinking my head into my chest, “She wants it a lot. Not necessarily with me, you know? Like we’ve discussed the idea of marriage, not actually getting married.”

“Well, she seems patient with you, Emmy. She was more than willing to make it seem like a mutual idea. I really like her for you, sweetheart.”

“That’s good. I like her for me too.” My emotions started swelling, “That topic scares me though, Mom. Like it’s terrifying that I can picture forever with her so soon. I think I want that more than anything. More than I wanted to get to this place in my career. Sometimes at night, I think about life without her and Jake in it, and it makes me start to hyperventilate. But if I get to the point where I can’t see getting married in the future at all, I promised to tell her and there’s a chance that would be the end. Because it’s something she wants, and I’d do anything to be able to give that to her. It’s just scary, Mom.”

She wrapped her arm around me, pulling her into her chest, “You can be scared. Marriage is scary, but Alison understands that. She understands how your relationship with Ash impacts your feelings now. Give yourself time. It hasn’t even been two months, Em. You have time. It’s obvious to anyone that you both love each other tremendously. Allow that to be enough while you figure it out.”

And as my Dad continued to cook breakfast, I stayed wrapped in my mother’s arms having missed the feeling of an unconditionally loving embrace. There was a peace that came from the knowing the weight of her arms against me. A comfort in the way her fingers traced through my scalp. For as different as it was to how Alison kept me safe, I knew that Alison’s arms were this closest thing I had to my mother’s. That having her was a close to complete tranquility as I had ever been. And because of that, my mother’s words continued to echo as I closed my eyes into the silence.

_Allow that to be enough._

* * *

Like any other birthday surprise, my stomach turned in anticipation as I rushed home on Tuesday. Thought Alison had given me no indication of what she had planned, I could tell from the emphasis in my mother’s voice as I spoke to her on the phone in the morning that Alison had cleared the plan with her. But whatever I had in mind paled in comparison to the confusion etched across my face as I pull up to find multiple men on the roof of my home. I called Alison from outside in disbelief.

“Ali? Can you come out front for me?”

I could hear her smile in her voice, “Maybe you should come inside, instead? It’ll make more sense.”

“Okay… so you do know that 3 men are on our roof?”

“Yes, baby, I do. I’ll see you in a second.”

I politely said ‘Hi’ as I walked toward my front door. Alison opened the door with a grin as she exclaimed ‘Happy Birthday’ and wrapped me in a hug.

“What is going – “ But as I started speaking, I could already tell what was happening. Because in a matter of hours that I had been gone, the entire inside of my house had been transformed.

Alison’s hands rubbed the back of my upper arms as she spoke, “When I talked to your mom while getting our nails done on Friday, she mentioned that your family usually decorates for Christmas on your birthday. I didn’t want to have the tradition stop now.”

I leaned away from her, looking at her in awe. “You got us a tree?”

“And ornaments! We’re going to decorate tonight.”

“Ali…”

“Yes?” She asked shyly.

I snaked my hands around her waist, “Come here… I love you so much.”

She mumbled against my lips, “I love you, too. Happy Birthday, Emmy.”

I pulled her hips toward me as I felt myself fall into her. Her love for me felt effortless. Of course my mom had been right. Loving her was more than enough for now and allowing a future decision to weigh upon me during our every interaction would only impact us negatively. If we were meant to be, there would be a time I would feel it. There would be a moment that signaled to me that another second without letting her know would be too long. Even though I prayed for that to be the case, I also prayed that it didn’t come before Alison realized that waiting around for me to potentially be ready could be a lengthy and arduous road.

Her teeth barely drug across my bottom lip as she pulled away causing me to groan. If the night hadn’t been pre-planned for us, I would have wanted every inch of her without a second thought. But she had put time and energy into the next few hours, and I knew I’d be all hers tonight regardless. So, I remained patient and pointed behind me as I spoke.

“The men on the roof then?”

“Are putting up lights.” She smirked over her shoulder as she sauntered to the kitchen, “I know that’s not typical for the Fields’ but I was a girl with limited time today.”

“This is so sweet. You really went all out.” I commented looking around the room at the assortment of decorations and ornaments Alison had purchased to thoroughly decorate.

Walking into the kitchen, Alison turned with her phone. “I actually have someone else who wanted to wish you a ‘Happy Birthday’ too. Well, two ‘Happy Birthday’s’ because he forgot to include things in his first message.”

I squealed, grabbing her hand and pulling her toward the couch as Alison settled in my lap to pull up a video of Jacob sitting on the couch at Alison’s home. And as she pressed play, the world around me faded to include only me, Alison, and the most precious little boy in the world.

“Hi E! Mommy telled me today dat we can’t do maf amorrow because iss your birfday! Happy Birfday! I fink dat duh best gift I can get for you is to get my sticker in cwass. I will work reawy hawd to be good and show you my sticker. Fank you for heping wif my maf and giving me good hugs. I telled Mommy to give you a hug fwom me. I see you on… Mommy? What day does Emlee come here? Fwiday! I see you on Fwiday! Bye!” He waved wildly as Alison turned toward me to squeeze me in a hug.

“That hug is from Jacob. But then, this morning, we woke up and he ran into room screaming about having something else for you… so here is this. Excuse the hair.”

Jacob popped back up on screen in his pajamas and hair swooped 3 different directions as he looked up at Alison waiting for her to say go, “Hi Emlee! I membered dat iss wude to not get people cawds for deir birfdays, so I waked up early to draw you dis.” He spun around a stick figure drawing as he kept talking. “See? Iss me and you doing maf. And here is Mommy, she is holding your hand and keeps stawing. Daddy telled me is wude to stawe at people, but Mommy does it so I don’t know why iss so bad. But at duh bottom I wote ‘Love you’ wif my name. Mommy can you bwing it to E’s house? Maybe she put it on her fwidge? Oh, wight. Happy Birfday! Hope you wike my cawd!” He blew me a kiss as Alison pull her phone down into her lap.

She looked back at me to find tears in my eyes, “Oh no. No crying, Em.”

“He’s the greatest. And he loves me?” I started smiling through my tears as they kept falling out of happiness. “That’s the sweetest gift I’ve gotten in a really long time.”

Alison reached in her pocket to pull out his drawing as the two of us stared at the virtual representation of our family Jacob had drawn. Our first tangible glimpse that the sacrifices we were making as a couple were in the best interest of Jacob. That despite the countless hours driving back and forth and the stress of juggling relationships between the four of us, it was worth it for him. For the little boy whose eyes in this photo were looking directly at Alison and I. The little boy who drew multiple hearts on the page and one big ‘Love u, Jacob’ in the bottom right corner.

“You gonna be okay, sweetheart?” Alison turned to wipe the tears off of my cheeks. “We can call him later tonight or in the morning before I leave if you want?”

I nodded as I stood, walking quietly over to the fridge to place a magnet in one corner and stare at it. My hand fell in front of my mouth as I took in the view. Took in the only foreseeable future I could imagine.

But as I started thinking about his recordings, I started laughing, “Did you not know that it was rude to stare?”

Alison walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me as she plastered herself into the right side of my body, “Can you believe he said that? I nearly lost it filming.”

“I think it’s cute.” I placed a kiss on her forehead.

“You don’t mind that a 7 year old has noticed that I stare at you for abnormally long lengths of time?”

I smirked looking down at her, “I mean, I can’t say that I blame you.”

“Oh, hush.” She shoved me back, while still clinging to my jacket. “I do need you to go get changed for me. Not pj’s, but something comfortable and still kind of warm.”

“So like you? Jeans, a shirt, and a jacket?”

“Whatever you want, sweetheart. But yes, you can model yourself after me if you so choose.”

We hung out for about the next hour on the couch watching and rewatching Jacob’s video as I waited for our next move after getting changed. A little before 5 though, Alison’s phone went off.

“Okay, that’s our timer! Up, up, up.”

I stood confused as she marched to the fridge, opening it up to pull out a picnic basket. “Are we going on a picnic? To where?”

“Just upstairs.” She smiled, walking back over to me to hold my hand. “So, while the lawn guys were here today, I had them make sure this was safe and all. But I noticed last week that just outside your bedroom window, you get the prettiest sunset.”

“We’re going to picnic on our bed and watch the sunset?”

She spun around, giving me a quick kiss, “Nope. On the roof.”

“The roof?”

Alison nodded as she began unlatching the window to raise the pane and remove the screen. “I had the workers check it out today. Everything is perfectly safe, and there’s barely a slant.” She started crawling out the window before I could even think to protest. “Come on, the sunset starts in a few minutes and ends 24 minutes later. We have a limited window here, babe.”

She reached her hand into the room to help me out as I hesitantly crawled onto the shingles. “Please don’t let me go while I’m standing, Alison.”

She laughed, holding my hand tightly, “I’d never dream of it. We’re okay. The comforter for us is just inside, okay? Hold onto this hand while I crouch for it and our blanket, okay?” Alison laid out our seating and ushered me to be seated before throwing a large blanket over the both of us, “There we go. See? This isn’t so bad.”

“I guess seated it’s fine.”

“Now for the fun parts.” She reached into the picnic basket to pull out pre-filled cups. “Champagne for you, my love.”

“Champagne?”

“Only the best for you, Em. Can I make the toast?” I nodded, leaning forward to kiss her sweetly, “Cheers to the best woman I know. I am so grateful that you were born 32 years ago today and somehow in this crazy world made your way to me. We are so remarkably lucky. I’m so happy I get to spend this day and so many more with you. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Cheers.” I shivered as Alison pulled me closer into her and reached to her left to pull out a small charcuterie board.

“Here’s some little snacks before dinner. I figured we could sit out here during the sunset and just talk about what you picture for your next year, and how I can support you through your dreams for yourself.”

“Sweetheart…” I whispered, placing my head on her shoulder.

“What? That’s what I’m here for. My role, other than loving you unconditionally, is helping you achieve everything you imagine for yourself. Talk it out for me.” And just like our first date, she said two sentences that made me melt. “Tell me all about it. I’d listen to you talk about whatever you wanted all night, Emily.”

I instantly became shy not knowing how much or how little of myself to give away. But sitting next to me was the only person in the world that made me feel endlessly secure. The only person who had seen my faults and instead of stepping backwards, wrapped me wholly in her arms to go through them with me. In a month, Alison had altered a world that I walked through alone into a destiny I had only imagined in my far off dreams.

So, I inhaled gulping, faded back into her trust, and started talking, “I picture you. First and foremost, this time next year, I see you.” I laced our fingers together underneath the blanket we were sharing, both staring forward at the sunset fading into pinks and purples before us. “I see us stronger than we are even today because we continuously trust each other. Because over this next year, we keep relying on each other and communicating about even the smallest of things. I imagine Jacob and maybe us having a place out here for the three of us if that feels right. I see Emmanuel and mine’s project doing exceedingly well. I hope that we’ve found key gene sequences in adults or maybe just strands that cancerous DNA tends to manipulate in the human genome. A far reaching goal would be for us to start working on younger participants because of the successes we’ve had. Like our youngest patient right now is in their early 40’s. So even if we could get some patients in their 20s, we’d be moving in the right direction. Umm… I imagine being afraid at the fact that I love you more a year from now than I do today. I imagine that we have figured out an even better way to raise Jacob and prevent us from driving hours and hours each week. But I dream that somehow we’ve figured out a way for you to always be with me. That somehow I wake up every day with you in my arms. That somehow the word ‘Goodbye’ is a distant phrase in our relationship. But yeah, more than anything else, all that I dream for the next year is for us to be better than we are even now.”

“Okay.” She inhaled, pulling me in for a kiss, “Let’s work on that.”

We spent the rest of the evening singing and dancing to Christmas music as we worked together to decorate our home for our first Christmas together. We walked hand and hand out onto the sidewalk to look at the lights on the front of the house, feeling the cold against our skin as our breath left smoke in the air. It felt magical and whimsical and perfect all at the same time.

Lying in bed that night, Alison sat quietly typing on her phone next to me, a smile plastered across her face. Every time I asked, she mumbled something about it not being ready. But after about 30 minutes, she scooted into my side and mumbled 3 words.

“Open your Instagram.”

I wrapped my arm around her as she placed a kiss against my neck. As I refreshed the app, a small slideshow of photos popped up: some of just the two of us, one of me helping Jacob tie his shoes, one of me this evening placing the angel on the top of the Christmas tree, the sunset from this evening, and the brief edit from last week of Jacob hanging upside down. Underneath that series was another caption that made me exceedingly grateful for woman next to me.

_Today is this remarkable woman’s birthday. It’s crazy to think that it took nearly 32 years to make it to me, but I would’ve waited another 32 if it meant that you would be mine for even a brief moment in time, Em. You make me the happiest. Even tonight in the simplest of events, watching a sunset on your roof and decorating for our first holidays together, you find a way to make me feel so loved and seen and valid._

_From the photos of the two of us together to any photo including you and J, I can’t help but be grateful for the love you’ve brought into both of our lives. You make me endlessly happy, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of forever creating more memories. Emily, you are everything I prayed for for so long. Thank you for letting me take care of you tonight. Thank you for taking care of me always. Can’t wait to read this together cuddled in your arms. All of my love, now until forever. Alison_

_P.S. I can’t wait to take on this next year together. With you by my side, I know reaching our every goal is bound to become a reality._

* * *

As was true for every weekend, I anxiously awaited my drive back to Rosewood to be in Alison’s arms once more. Despite the week being a little different due to Thanksgiving the next week, we both spoke Thursday night in anticipation of having the next few days together. I had already planned on calling her during lunch. But as I turned my phone on from being off as per usual that morning, my screen began filling with notifications.

**4 missed calls (Alison)**

**3 voicemails**

**2 missed calls (Carter)**

**22 missed text messages**

And my head started spinning as I pressed the voicemail button and Carter’s voice came through the phone.

_Hey Emily. It’s Carter. Alison told me not to call because she said she would figure it out, but I think she needs your help today. I don’t want to overwhelm you at all, but I don’t get back into town until around 2 this morning, so if you could call her and see if you can help at all. I don’t know… this fucking sucks. Anyways, just let me know. Um, I can come to you if that what ends up happening. Hope we can figure this out. Keep me posted. Thanks._

He sounded worried and tense. But simultaneously, his voicemail made no sense as it went straight into Alison’s back to back voicemails.

_Ignore my last voicemail, okay? I’m just – I’m just freaking out over here. Call me back when you can. I’ll arrange my schedule to fit yours I guess. I don’t – fuck. Just call me back. Hopefully, I’ll be able to answer. I don’t know. Love you. Call me back please._

_Emmy. Fuck, you keep your phone off during the day. Dammit. Em, I need your help with something. I don’t want to get into it on voicemail, but if you can call me back. It’s urgent. I – I have no idea what to do. There’s no good plan here. Everyone but Carter is coming with us. Yeah, Em, I think it’s just you. You’re the only one I can think of that can help. Fuck. Emily, I need you to answer. Em…_

Her voice cracked as sobs filled the phone. I held it away from my face as I cringed at just hearing her hurting. Panickily, I called her back.

“Oh thank God. Emily?”

“Yes, sweetheart? What is going on? Are you alright? Is Jacob alright?”

Even through her sniffles, I heard her barely laugh, “Yes beautiful, both of us are okay.” She inhaled shakily, “But Emmy, I need you.”

* * *

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	20. Glimpse of Relief

**A/N: Hey everyone! Welcome back! Not sure if I've shared this one this site, but I am one of the millions of people in Texas affected by the winter storm or whatever this past week. ANYWAYS, got power back for the first time on Friday, but I have a broken water pipe in my home now so I'm not at my house and it's minor chaos :) So, here is this full chapter because my life doesn't currently have the balance to update this twice a week rn.**

**P.S. For anyone concerned, don't worry, we did turn the water off at my house before leaving, so there's no internal damage, just a pipe that needs to be fixed and no running water. We love to see it...**

* * *

“But Emmy, I need you. It’s my grandma. I guess she had a stroke or something? They’re afraid she’s about to pass away. So we’re all, like all of us, are going to Chicago.”

There are times in your life that pass in front of you like a mirage. Times that even in the moment feel out of body. As though turning your world on edge before it has even fully effected your reality. I could feel in Alison’s voice that this was one of those times. That for her, this was bigger than she was making it appear. That this was changing us for better or worse as it was taking place. And whether Alison knew it or not yet, being palpably aware of it as we spoke scared the shit out of me.

“Oh no, do I need to come there? I can buy a flight to Chicago if you need me to. I’ll come to you. I can – “

“No, Emily. Listen to me, please. We’re about to get on the plane, but Carter and I agreed that this would be too much for Jake. He doesn’t need to see a family member pass away. So him and Carter and going to stay back until a funeral happens, I guess. I don’t even know.”

I lost all of my grandparents before I even hit my mid-twenties. For many, the loss of a grandparent was their first brush with mortality. Their first understanding that life isn’t infinite. Alison though had faced the idea of an even bigger loss. A loss that, thankfully, never came to be. But hearing her speak now in indefinites and ambiguity sent me back to our car ride home from Rosewood when she described in detail the near loss of Jacob. Her fragility and brokenness on full display. And despite what she was about to ask me, all I could think was how if anyone needed me right now, it was actually her.

I stayed silent as the pieces were slowly coming together. “Anyway, if you can, I need you to drive to Rosewood.”

“Yeah, Carter left me a message. He doesn’t get in until 2 or something.”

“Mhm-hmm.” She started talking to someone on her end of the line, “No, I’m talking to her now. No. I don’t know yet. Yeah, I know she’s an option, but that’s fucking coming in from New York for just like 10 hours. One second. Em, you still there?”

“I am. You need me to be with Jacob, I assume?”

“Will you?”

“I mean, yeah. I can be, I guess. I’ll need to get off early. I don’t know.” I started looking around the cafeteria trying to find Emmanuel. I sounded unsure because I could hear Alison falling apart. I could pick up on the desperation she was clinging to. The hope that somehow she wouldn’t lose anyone after all. “Is he still at school?”

“We’re about to board, Em. But text Carter to tell him you’re coming to get Jake, and he’ll make sure the school knows you’re coming. You’d need to be there by 3. Does that work?”

“If I leave now. Alison, this is a lot. What is going on?”

“I don’t really know, babe. My mom called me about Nana and 3 hours later I’m getting on a flight. My parents and Carter’s parents are inconsolable. My brother and I are numb. I don’t know, Em. I won’t know until I get there. But I need you. Can you make it? I just need you there with Jacob until Carter gets home. He will pick him up from you.”

“And then I do what?” I asked with concern.

“I don’t know, Emily. I don’t know. I don’t –“ She gasped, breathing heavily, “You can get him though right?”

“Yeah, baby. Don’t worry. I’ll head that way now. Stay calm for me, sweetheart. You’re okay. Let me know when you land.”

“Okay. Thank you; I owe you. I love you.”

“You owe me nothing. I love you too. I’m headed to get Jacob now. He’s safe, and he’s okay.”

My body went into cruise control. Alison had limited information, and I had even less. All I knew was what she had told me. All I knew was that I was now responsible for her son. I paused to take a deep breath before going into action.

**_Hey Carter. Don’t worry about Jacob. I’m headed to his school now to pick him up. We’ll be at Alison’s. Feel free to pick him up when you get in, or if you need to sleep, you can always pick him up in the morning. When does your flight leave? We will call you before you get on board._ **

**_Oh, that’s a relief. Thanks Emily. I’m calling the school right now to let them know you are picking Jake up, and I will keep you updated about when I’ll pick him up. There’s a layover in Denver around 10:30, so I’ll text you then. Call around 8 if you can, and I’ll be at the airport. Just let Jacob know that Al and I are both okay. I will give him more information tomorrow. Thank you again._ **

* * *

I made it into the outskirts of Rosewood a little after 2 where I raced towards the closest store to purchase a booster seat for my car. My mind swarmed as I scanned the aisles trying to remember the details Jacob iterated to me in the weeks before while buckling and unbuckling him from the back of Alison’s car. The seatbelt needed to tuck underneath. It needed to buckle across. He weighed no more than 45 pounds, and I walked up and down until I found something that I thought Alison would deem sufficient. It felt like my first decision as a parent, and everything within me didn’t want to fuck it up.

Due to not having a carline number, I walked inside to the front desk of Jacob’s private school to pick him up. I tried to fit in with the group of parents around me, vaguely smiling to show interest and care before making it to the secretary.

“Hi. I’m here to pick up Jacob Schoen.” I paused, already reaching for my ID.

“Are you on his emergency pick-up list?

“No, I’m not. There was a family emergency. I believe his father, Carter, called to let you all know that I was coming to pick him up...” I held my ID in front of me hesitantly expecting her to take it from me. But instead, she just looked me up and down.

“And so you are?”

“Emily Fields. I’m his mother’s girlfriend.”

“His mother’s?”

“Yes, girlfriend.” I inhaled, “Did he not call? Maybe he left a message with someone else at the front.”

“He didn’t leave a message with me.” She muttered, looking at me up and down again, “Mr. and Mrs. Schoen are usually _very_ forthcoming with any developments involving Jacob.”

I cleared my throat, realizing that she was on the offensive, “I do understand that; I’m sure this is a misunderstanding. Give me a brief moment to call Carter, and I’m sure he can clear this up.”

I shot off a quick text to Carter as the secretary continued, “Do you happen to have Jacob’s carline number?”

“I don’t.” She scoffed as I continued, “That’s the entire reason I came inside. I’m confused about where the frustration on your side is coming from. I’m just here to pick up Jacob. I’m sure if you even brought him to the door, you would recognize that he knows exactly who I am.”

“I’m sure you understand why that isn’t policy here, ma’am.” Her voice trailed as she helped the woman next to me with paperwork she was turning in, “So, you stated that you’re here to pick him up because of a family emergency?”

“Yes. Both of his parents are on a flight right now. I’m stepping in trying to be of service here and – “

“And _you’re_ Mrs. Schoen’s girlfriend?”

I wiped my face as three reply bubbles popped up in my text thread with Carter, “Look. I’m not trying to come across rude here, but please check your files. Jacob’s parents have been divorced since he enrolled here. Ms. DiLaurentis, not that it’s any of your business, is dating me. Yes. And per Jacob’s father…” I glanced back down before showing the text to her, “He called the office two hours ago and someone named ‘Kathy’ helped him. Is that you, by chance?”

“It is not.” She replied, adjusting her lapel.

“Great. Is Kathy here then? I’m not sure what else I can tell you other than providing my identification. Do I need to call his mother who is mourning the loss of her own grandmother while on a flight to Chicago to prove it to you? Is there somewhere for me to take a polygraph test in the back? I mean, seriously, this feels like I’m being singled out because of my role in Jacob’s life. Would you like for me to be more specific in the middle of this crowded front office?”

“No, that’s fine. Ms. Fields, was it?”

“It’s Dr. Fields, but I would love to speak to Kathy if she’s available.”

“Of course, one second.”

I fixed the edges of my fitted suit as the secretary brought back another woman shortly after she left.

“You must be Kathy.” I smiled sincerely, “I believe that Jacob Schoen’s father called you all earlier to let you know that I will be picking up Jacob today due to a family emergency.”

She looked back at the secretary before starting to scan sticky notes, “Ah, yes. Emily?”

“That’s me.” I smirked at the original woman who assisted me as she quickly looked down to the floor.

“Okay, great. I’ll call his room.” After hanging up from calling him down, she passed me a piece of paper. “Mr. Schoen asked that this be sent home with you. It’s consent paperwork for you to be added to Jacob’s pick-up list. One of his parents will need to return this with their signatures.”

“Perfect. We’ll get this done. One question, are his parents listed in the system as Carter Schoen and Alison DiLaurentis? Because I can only assume that they would like be addressed as such when – “

“Eeeeeee!!!!” I heard his squeals behind me as I turned.

“Hey J!” I smiled, kneeling down to give him a hug.

“Why you heaw, E?”

“I picked you up as a surprise because I loved your birthday card so much this week.”

“Weawy? You have a good birfday?”

“I did, and your card made it even better. Ready to go?”

“Yeah, E. Dis is a gweat sprise!”

“Oh good! We’ll have to tell Mommy and Daddy all about it.” I stood up, turning around to wave facetiously at the front office staff before grabbing his hand to walk outside, “J, you never told me about your stickers this week? How did – “

“I got four!”

“Four is great big guy! After I heard that you earned the one on my birthday, I knew you were in for a great week! Now, I need your help with something. Remember how you taught me all about your booster seat a few weeks ago? Well – “

I kept speaking to dampen the fire raging in my brain. I was used to prejudice in nearly every form. But every time I was confronted with it, it still threw me off-guard. It never made sense to me that judgement for another person could stem from something unchangeable within them. It never registered how another person’s sexuality, which had virtually no effect on anyone else but their partner, was even someone else’s concern. I called Alison my girlfriend without a second thought because as the years had passed, the less prejudice I had to directly confront. It’s why today had unsettled me. That the school we were sending Jacob to had someone working in the front office who visibly was uncomfortable with my very presence. Uncomfortable with Alison’s presence whether her sexuality was previously known or not. I exhaled as I buckled Jacob into the booster seat, rocking it back and forth to make sure it was secure. His safety was of the utmost importance. I could take care of myself.

* * *

Our night passed by smoothly as Jacob and I went to get pizza and ice cream before heading home to call Carter, watch a movie, and pass out nearly immediately while having a slumber party in the living room. I heard a key in the front door a little before 3 am, causing me to pop up from where I was laying on the couch.

“Hey Emily.” Carter whispered as I stood up, “Did he fall asleep fine tonight?”

“He did. He didn’t quite get why Alison wasn’t here with us, but I told him you’d pick him up in the middle of the night.”

“Thank you, by the way.” He shrugged before reaching out to me to pull me into a hesitant hug. “It really means a lot that you would drop everything for him.”

“Yeah.” I brushed hair out of my eyes, “Of course. I didn’t consider anything different for even a millisecond. Jacob needed one of us, and I was closest. I’d, um, I’d do anything for him, Carter.”

Carter’s voice wavered as he reaching into his pocket continuing, “I stopped by one of the counters on my way out and got this for you.” He passed a flimsy piece of paper my way, “Consider it a peace offering, and I guess my apology for last month. It should be more than enough to get you there and back.” I felt my heart skip a beat as I looked into my hands. “The next flight to Chicago leaves at 7:30. So if you get your things together, I’ll drive you to the airport. You can use the voucher to buy a one-way or book your flight back. I don’t know. I just figured that you should be there with her right now. I heard her on the phone and I’m sure – “

I took a step forward and wrapped him in my arms, “I get it. Thank you. For this and your apology.”

“And thank you for being there for him. It feels good to have someone else on his team with Al and me.”

I nodded, unsure of how to reply to his sudden kindness. I pointed shyly up the stairs, “Let me go pack my bag really quick and then, we can head that way.”

“Great. I’ll go get Jacob settled in the car.”

Looking over my shoulder, Jacob remained slumped in his seat in Carter’s truck, fully passed out and unaware of this entire switch off. Even with Carter’s kindness, we both sat uncomfortably in his car as he drove me the 30 minutes back to the Philadelphia airport. Tension palpably sat between us despite the apparent truce we were currently going through. I appreciated the coolness Carter tried to project though. His subtle taps on the steering wheel to the beat of the music. The way he casually asked if I need more or less heat from the vents. But his façade began fading about 10 minutes into the drive, his hesitancy returning.

“I wanted to ask you something, Emily.”

“Shoot.”

“Today at the school? When you texted me? Why did you need me to confirm?”

“No reason, really.” I looked out the window hoping that he wouldn’t notice the gulp I shoved down my throat, “They misplaced where they wrote your message, I guess. And I just wanted to be clear on who you had spoken to.”

“Did they give you shit or something? It just seems weird that they would give you push back. We’ve called up there before without it being a worry.”

I sighed, “I wouldn’t say that they gave me shit. But the lady up there who wasn’t Kathy made me feel uncomfortable.”

“What’d she say?”

“She just questioned me about being Alison’s girlfriend. Kept calling Ali, Mrs. Schoen, as if like I don’t know, as if my role wasn’t deemed to be valid.”

“Hmm.” He replied, “I’m sorry about that. I’ll be sure to fill out the form this weekend and get it to the office. That should’ve never happened.”

“But it does, and it will. I don’t look like Jacob, so it will already be a conversation point. It’s something we’ll have to get used to, you know? I already have; I’m sorry it’s new for you.”

“You shouldn’t need to apologize. And you can be honest with me. I mean, Emily, you know it wasn’t a conversation point because of your race.”

“Yeah, I know.” I refused to look his way, hoping the conversation would stop.

“I’ve never talk to Alison about it, but are people still being assholes about sexuality these days?”

I laughed, “Definitely. Sometimes it feels like I come out every single day of my life. It’s a constant process. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for Alison to live here her whole life and now come out to people who have put her in this singular box for potentially 30 years of her life.”

“I know it’s my privilege, but I’ve never really considered that. Do you ever feel unsafe when you’re out with just her?”

“I mean, we don’t discuss it. But having both been in relationships with women before, we both know the kind of unspoken rules. Like we only are openly couplely in really big groups or completely alone. I wouldn’t hold her hand at night on a street or anything so that maybe we’ll pass off as just friends and nothing more. I’m more hesitant to say ‘I love you’ in public or call her ‘babe’ or something. You just don’t know the rest of the world, so you’re always a little on edge.” Carter nodded into the silence taking in my words. “What was it like for you when Alison came out to you?”

He chuckled, “She actually never came out to me.” He rubbed his chin. “I came to visit her in college sophomore year, and she introduced me to her girlfriend while I was there. I think it was unspoken between us that I was expected to be chill.” Carter’s voice rose, “And I was, I was. I don’t want you to think – “

“No, I don’t. You’re fine.”

“Okay, good.” He sighed, “That’s good. But Alison always talked openly about men and women she found attractive in high school. It was sudden, for sure, but I wasn’t overtly surprised if that makes sense.”

“It sounds like her. I think it’s one of the things that makes her so alluring. She just is. No explanation needed.”

We continued our conversation as we drove. It went as smoothly as our first conversation at the park, and I was comforted by the fact that it seemed as though Carter had fully dropped whatever he was holding on to. Maybe it was because he no longer cared, but I figured that in reality it was because he cared about Alison as much as I did.

He parked the car at the Departures gate before turning to me, “I don’t know if you remember this but the first time we spoke – it was on the phone after one of your dates, I think – I told you that you were lucky to have her.”

“I remember that, yeah.”

“Well, I wanted you to know that she’s lucky to have you too, Emily. Um, it means a lot everything you’ve done for her and Jake over the past month. I was a dick to you , to put it lightly, and well, you didn’t deserve that. She’s going to be so happy to see you. She’s always so happy to see you.” He smiled distantly as if recalling a memory. “Anyways, I’m sorry, and I hope you have a safe flight.”

“All is forgiven, Carter. I’ll take of her for you two, I promise. Thanks again for the ride.”

He waved replied, “Of course. Give her a big hug from Jake and me!”

* * *

I landed in Chicago a little before 9 am and called an Uber to drive to me to the hospital Carter told me Nana had been hospitalized at. Getting out of the car, I pulled out my phone and called Alison.

“Emmy?” I could hear her smile.

“Morning, sweetheart. How are you?”

“I’m alright. Is Jacob okay?”

“He’s fine, Ali. Carter picked him up at around 3 this morning.”

“That’s good…” Her voice trailed, “Thank you again for doing that.”

“I told Carter the same thing. It’s no problem.” I paused, “So, are you all back at the hospital this morning?”

“Yeah.” She sighed, “It’s pretty rough here, Em. We’re all trying to get more information, but so many of us came here preemptively that all we can really do is sit in the waiting room of the ICU.”

“I gotcha.” I replied softly, checking the hospital map before climbing the stairs to the 3rd floor, “How are you doing though? You seem a little more put together on the phone today than you did yesterday.”

She sighed, “I’m alright; it kind of ebbs and flows right now. I don’t want you to worry about me though. I’m doing the best I can to hold it together. You know?”

I heard her voice echo in the waiting room as I stepped onto the floor, turning the corner to find her talking while looking out the window. Taking a few steps toward her, I replied, “Let me take that off your plate then.”

“How would you – “ She paused mid-sentence, spinning toward me, “Em?” Her voice cracked as she immediately started falling apart in front of me.

“Shh. Shh. Shh.” I whispered, reaching for her as she let go for the first time in the past 24 hours. I took her phone out of her hand to hang up, as I led her to a bench only a few steps away. Alison reflexively turned into my side, spinning to tuck her body into me and crying directly into my chest. “You don’t have to hold it together, Ali. It’s okay to be scared. Cry it out, sweetie.”

I rubbed her back for what felt like hours as she crumbled. Different members of her family would step into the waiting room taken aback by both my presence and Alison’s disarray. I waved frequently to reassure that she was in fact okay, but part of me worried that this break down was a symptom of her continued anxiety in all facets of her world. That in some ways this moment felt exactly like her nearly losing Jacob years ago.

As she began calming down, I leaned across the aisle to whisper to Aria, “Is Nana doing alright? Like if I took Ali for a bit, would we be okay?”

Aria nodded, “Yeah. Alison said her goodbyes first thing this morning. They’re letting her friends come by throughout the day. We’re staying at the Marriott right down the road. Give me your number; I’ll text you whenever we’re getting close.”

“Great.” I replied, passing her my phone. “I think she needs to get out of her own head, maybe sleep? I can only assume she got as little sleep as I did last night.”

“I’m sure it means the world to her that you’re here. Girlfriend of the year award right here.”

I smirked, “Thanks, Aria. But it’s what she’d do for me; not looking for any awards.” She passed back my phone as I patted Alison’s back multiple times, “Baby? Do you have your room key? We’re going to go back to the room for a bit.”

“I have it in my pocket.”

“Perfect. Look up for me?” I asked, lifting her head with my pointer finger, “I love you. Come on. Take my hand. Let’s get you taken care of.”

“Okay…” She whispered, grasping my hand with all of her might as I picked up my bag with the other. “We’re coming back, right?”

“Aria’s going to text me. Don’t worry.”

* * *

Alison got under the covers of the bed fully clothed without speaking. She pulled them up to her neck and stared at me as I set my bag on the table next to her. Her eyes were unmoving and full of tears that were risking taking the plunge down her cheeks.

“Do you want me to lie down with you?” My hand hit my side not knowing how to support her. She nodded before rolling to her right to open a spot for me next to her.

Sliding in behind her, I wrapped my arms up her torso, crossing at her chest to tighten around her. I pressed my chest against her back, securing her into me with a hint of desperation. She was drowning. I could feel her drowning. Her bobbing in and out of the wake as she’s trying to find the shore. I clung to her like sand clings to every inch of skin. I kissed the back of her neck to reveal more of her truth just as her sun-kissed skin exposed the freckles etching every part of her. I wanted her to feel my security. I wanted her to know that I was the shore. That she was no longer drowning. That with me, she was saved.

Alison wasn’t panicking though. She wasn’t gasping for air. She was succumbing, allowing herself to sink. But I didn’t know if she was sinking below the surface or into me. We laid in silence as she took my embrace as a strait jacket holding her safely from harm’s way. And after an extended length of time where I had no idea if she was awake or not, Alison spoke.

“You’re actually here.” She whispered it with such subtlety that it caught me off-guard.

I tightened my arms around her, “Of course I am.”

“Okay.”

She kissed the side of my hand, not questioning my presence. I would give everything to tell her that Carter had gotten me here. That he was instrumental in Alison being okay now. But this wasn’t about me or him or us. This was about her. It was always about her.

“How are you?”

“Numb. I don’t want to be here.”

“That’s understandable. What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.” She sighed. “Everything.”

“Talk out loud to me then.”

“I’m sure you can feel it. But this feels like Jacob did.” Her left hand found mine as she laced our hands desperately.

“Yeah, I thought about that. He’s okay though, Ali. I left him only a few hours ago. He was asleep. He was peaceful. And Carter was with him. This isn’t the same.”

“That’s good, but it sends me back to that place emotionally. Like Emmy, I can’t help plan her funeral. I can’t do that again, even if my parents need me to.”

“Do you want me to talk to them about it?”

“Maybe Jason? He would be more understanding and might be able to convince them without getting me involved.”

“Whatever you’d like, sweetheart. What else do you need?”

“I just want to forget about all of this, Em. I don’t want to be here.” Her hand disconnected from mine as she reached down her side to place her hand on my leg. I knew what she meant. I understood her wanting to escape.

“Ali – “

“Please don’t –“ She interrupted, pushing my hands down her body as she turned toward me, “My brain is full of so much. It feels like the world is spinning; I need it to stop.” Alison looked at me with her eyes full of sadness, but behind them was something more. I watched as her pupils slowly became more dilated and her hand came up to the side of my neck. Her thumb tracing my jaw line. “Make it stop.”

Her lips moved gently against mine as I hesitantly reciprocated. She pushed and pleaded her bottom lip against me, begging for me to take control. But I couldn’t bring myself to do what she needed. I couldn’t be the one to make her forget. Didn’t she need to remember? Didn’t she need to sit in this pain? Is this what she did with Jacob’s diagnosis? Did she seek physical touch and intimacy to evade her own mind? She drug her nails down my arm while her lips hovered over my neck.

“Emily…” She breathed. “Please.”

I placed my hands against her shoulders to look her in the eye again, “I don’t want this to become a coping mechanism, Alison. You have to deal with this.”

She closed her eyes solemnly, “I will. I will. I just – “ Her voice cracked. “I’ve just been sitting in that waiting room all night. I’ve been thinking about everything over and over again, and I can’t turn it off.” She leaned forward to kiss next to my nose, “I just want some peace for half an hour. I want to think about you, not all of this shit.” She kissed up the side of my cheek toward my ear to whisper, “Just this once. I need you.”

As much as I wanted to decline, a stronger part of me pulled her toward me. My right hand moved to cup her ass as she took control, rolling over on me. She took my earlobe in between her lips for small bite which involuntarily sent my back arching as a moan escaped. I moved her face with the tip of my pointer finger to bring her in for another kiss. Alison’s breathed, hovering over me as she allowed me to roll her to the right.

She grunted as my body took hold of her. “Do whatever you want with me, Em.” Her hips ground into me as she reached for the hem of my top. She made me breathless. She devastated me. But with her, I would do just about anything to make her okay. To keep her okay.

* * *

Alison laid in my arms, her chest still heaving against me as her fingers danced over my collarbone. I hoped that she found peace. I prayed that her body, once taut with tension, was relaxed along with her mind. That somehow I had made the situation better and not worse. I twirled a strand of her hair around the tip of my fingers as our silence felt better than it had the hour before.

“Did that actually help?” I whispered into her hairline, as though her pleasure wasn’t already a secret I treasured. When she didn’t reply automatically, I continued, “Be honest.”

“Not like I thought it would…” Alison pressed a kiss aimlessly on my chest. “Like, it helped during, but it’s all back now. Could you talk to me maybe?”

“About what?”

“Anything. Anything at all.”

I placed my fingers onto her scalp, slowly moving them up and down to further calm her as I spoke, “Well, I know this may come as a shock to you, but Carter is the reason I’m here right now.” Alison picked up her head to look at me still wide-eyed. “I know! He bought a voucher for me last night. Said it was a peace offering?”

“I’ll be damned…”

“We had a really good conversation about sexuality on the way to the airport, too.”

“No. Now, I know you’re just fucking with me.” She laughed, pressing her cheek against me. But as soon as she saw my face, Alison became concerned. “What in the world could have prompted that before sunrise?”

“Ah, well.” I hesitated. “I was – well, we were kind of discriminated against Jacob’s school…”

“We what?” She sat up, rest her hands on my torso as she searched my eyes. “What fucking parents do I need to get ahold of?”

I settled my hand underneath her chin as I lowered my voice, “It wasn’t the parents, sweetheart. It was some bitch at the front office.”

“Are you okay?” Alison pulled away, fulling sitting up next to me as she rotated to face me. It caused me to slide up the headboard and take her hand.

“Yeah, Ali. I’m fine.” I watched her visible exhale. “I wasn’t thinking and when I showed up, I mentioned that I was your girlfriend. But I guess I wasn’t speaking to the same woman Carter did earlier in the day, so she was just rude. Kept calling you Mrs. Schoen and clarified multiple times that I had actually said the word girlfriend and how that wasn’t updated in the system. I don’t know. But I had to text Carter to follow up with exactly what he said on the phone, so he asked about it on the way to the airport.”

“What did he say?” She brushed my hair behind my ear as her hand trailed back down my arm.

“That he would be sure to get the form to school on Monday to add me to J’s emergency pick-up list.”

“Alright, I’ll text him. Don’t worry, Emmy. We’ll settle this.”

I leaned forward to kiss her softly, “There’s no need. Please don’t worry about this. Let Carter and I handle it. We need your mind here.” Alison exhaled, looking back around the room as if coming back to reality, “Did that help at all?”

“Barely. Made me worried about other shit too though.” She threw her legs over the side of the bed, “Not strong enough to make it stop.”

“Well, I feel disgusting after travelling all morning. So, no funny business, but come shower with me? Let me take care of you.” Her eyebrow raised over her shoulder as she then quickly skipped toward the conjoined restroom. I rolled my eyes, shouting her way, “I’m fucking serious, Alison.”

Trying to distract Alison was no easy task because when I broke it down, her mine would never be able to turn off. She had spent over a year of her life in this state making it second nature for her subconscious. Even as she kissed my neck while shampooing her hair, I felt her marked hesitancy as she frequently inhaled, not fully being able to relinquish herself into me. And if she was this removed with me by her side, I feared her reaction was bound to become more severe.

* * *

We walked back into the waiting room at the hospital hand-in-hand as Alison immediately tensed in my arms. I kissed her temple stepping off the elevator, rubbing my thumb on the inside of her palm as her family turned around to see us.

“Oh, Emily! Aria told me you had surprised Alison this morning.” Her mother stood to embrace me, “This means a lot. Thank you for being here.”

Letting go of her mother’s waist, I reached behind me once again to hold Alison’s hand, “Definitely. I’m only here for tonight and part of tomorrow, but if there’s anything I can do for you all…” I felt Alison clench my hand tightly again at the thought of me leaving tomorrow.

“We’ll let you know, sweetheart. Ali, how are you holding up?”

“I made it through the past few hours with Em without crying. So, decently, I think?”

“You’re doing amazing, sweetheart. Can I order pizza or something for everyone, Jessica? I doubt you all have been able to sneak out for any food today.” Alison kissed my shoulder at the suggestion.

I continued growing antsy that longer we sat. I quickly understood why Alison was so fidgety when I had arrived, waiting for the inevitable devastated all that there was to remotely be patient for. We all sat aimlessly around eating the pizza I ordered as groups of Nana’s friends came to say their goodbyes. A little after 8, Alison tapped my leg, interrupting my train of thought.

“Emmy, can you come into the room with me? I think we’re letting go within the next hour, and I just – I – “ She kissed my cheek, trying to hide her trailing tears from her family.

I reached for her hand before wiping away her cheeks with my thumb, “Whatever you need.” Wrapping my arm around her waist, she led me toward her grandmother’s room.

The room was empty void of the beeping of the heart monitor and exhale of the her oxygen pump. I scanned the room for every ounce of inference. Every inch of my body stood on edge trying to ascertain all of the finite issues that Alison had yet to bring up or explain to me. Evidence of her stroke was clear. The right side of her face was slightly drooped as her mouth extended. Small circles covered different portions of her head attempting to track brain activity and sending more severe beeps through the room as it failed to make a connection. An error message unable to be ignored.

“Hi Nana.” Alison whispered, sitting in the chair next to her bedside while holding her hand. “I brought someone for you to meet. If I would’ve known, I would’ve brought her to visit much sooner.” Holding my hand, Alison brought my fingers toward her handhold with Nana until my fingers were resting in her palm, “This is Emily. She, uh, she actually reminds me a lot of you in some ways. She’s incredibly strong and one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. That makes her incredibly quick, Nana. She keeps me in check like you have my whole life so far.” Alison looked up at me as she continued speaking, “I’ve been thinking about it, and part of me thinks you knew this was coming, Nana. That you know we were near the end and you sent Emily my way to make up for your loss. If that’s true, I want you to know how grateful I am to you. How appreciative I am of having the opportunity to be with someone like her.” Her eyes gracefully filled with tears while maintaining eye contact. She looked at me effortlessly as though staring at me to process her emotions made everything a little bit easier. As if I kept her grounded just as much as she kept me stable and secure as well. “I know that there’s a lot I’m going to lose with you gone, Nana. Your laugh. Your insatiable urge for ice cream regardless of the time of day. Your smile whenever you were proud of me. The way you catered to Jacob’s every need since the day he was born as your first great-grandchild. It means so much that I had so long with you. That you stuck around long enough to send one of the best things in my life my way. Regardless, thank you Nana. For all you’ve done for me and my family. I love you so, so much.”

I didn’t know what to say, if anything, as Alison spilled her soul to her grandmother. Part of me felt like I was intruding, sneaking in secrets intentionally kept secure, but as I continued listening, I could tell that Alison wanted me to hear these thoughts That this was just another way of Alison ensuring me that I was hers. That beyond a shadow of a doubt, her future featured me.

After speaking at least, we sat in silence until the rest of Alison’s family came in with the doctors. I ushered her Alison to stand and we walked around to the other side of the bed. I stood behind her, wrapping an arm around her chest to hold her, while resting my chin on her shoulder. One of her arms draped behind her, wrapping around my upper thigh as we stood contentedly. Family circled in as all wanted to pay their respects, and as the hospital chaplain uttered a prayer, the entire family softly began singing.

_Amazing Grace_

_How sweet the sound_

_That saved a wretch like me_

_I once was lost_

_But now, I’m found_

_Was blind_

_But now, I see._

Alison and I curled into each other, solidifying our bond as we mourned the loss her of grandmother side by side. Even as we watched her take her final breaths, she stood strong in my arms, no longer tearing up or crumbling in the presence of others. Alison had either healed through her goodbye conversation or had cried too much to be able to continue. I held her closer to me regardless of the truth.

Everyone walked aimlessly back to the hotel after letting Nana go. No words were exchanged or gestures posed. Tomorrow would be more crucial to their healing and how they moved forward as a family. As the door to our room closed behind us, Alison immediately brought me into her arms. A silent thank you among the chaos of the day. We ordered room service and changed into slinky pajamas, before sitting in front of the television to share our meals. Placing my last few fries in my mouth, Alison interrupted the calm.

“Emily?”

“Hmm?” I replied, calmly.

She rotated toward me, crossing her legs as we were now eye to eye, “Hear me out, okay?”

I brushed my fingers through her hair once more, “That sounds a little scary.”

Alison smirked, “It is kind of scary, and I said I wasn’t going to mention it.” She inhaled, “But yesterday getting here and all of the events of today, and being with you… I don’t know, but it’s so clear to me how temporary life is. How much of a blip our time on Earth is. But what’s even more clear to me than that is how much I love you. And last time we talked vaguely and about the future in general, but I want to make it abundantly clear to you. Emily, I want to marry you.”

My mouth dropped as I pushed my tongue against the bottom of my gums. My eyes evaded contact because my stomach dropped to the floor. The steady ground I thought we were on pulled from under me.

“Hey…” She whispered, causing my eyes to come back to her. “I’m not trying to scare you. But I would hate for something to happen to me or you or us and you not know my intentions.”

“You said you wouldn’t.” I muttered, dropping my eyes to my chest again.

“I understand that. I said I’d wait for you to come to me.”

“This isn’t fair to me, Alison. Because we were on equal ground moments ago. We were in the same place, but now we’re not.”

“I’ve wanted to marry you for longer than just today, Emily. It didn’t just hit me mid bacon burger.”

“So then we haven’t been on the same page in weeks…” I sighed, moving my thumb over her knee, taking in all of her words.

“Emmy, I’m not on one knee here. I have no ring. This isn’t a proposal, sweetheart. I want you to know that I intend to marry you.”

“I’m not there, Ali. I’m not.”

“Yeah…okay.” Her voice trailed, “Do you understand what I’m saying though?”

I nodded, “Definitely.” I turned to sit against the headboard as Alison followed. Our legs subconsciously intertwined as we continued, “I know that time is limited. I understand that nothing is guaranteed. But Ali, I believe in us more. Our time isn’t limited. I am yours. I will be with you through it all. I have faith in that.”

“Make that make sense for me. You know all of those things but you won’t even consider marrying me. Someday in the future.”

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that at this time, for us, what’s most important to me is ensuring our life together. I know that I could look at you forever. I know that I will never grow tired of the millions of moments we are yet to experience. I know that in your eyes, I see so much of everything I’ve ever wanted or needed. But I’m unconvinced that those things wouldn’t still be true if we were just partners. We both see the same ending for us. What is the difference?”

Alison lips faded to side of my neck, “The difference is calling you my wife.” She kissed just below my ear while drawing an endless heart on the side of my shoulder.

“The difference is in you being able to someday be a legal guardian to Jacob, if that’s something you want.” She continued, now kissing on my collarbone, never stopping the hearts.

“The difference is me legally being a parent to any child we may have.” Alison paused, looking up at me endearingly. God, I loved her.

Her lips worked their way back up toward my ear, her breath slowly cascading down my jawline, “The difference is being able to make each other’s medical decisions and put what’s best for each other above all else.”

“The difference is knowing that what exists between us isn’t just our word to each other, but the action of putting together an entire wedding. It’s knowing that from the moment we said, ‘I do’, we agreed to each other above all else.” She looked back up at me whispering ‘I love you’.

I nodded again, feeling my head echoing her words. It was everything I had wanted with Ash. It was every reason I had considered that led me to buying that ring. To have that weight in my pocket for months on end. But I had also dated Ash for 7 years, not 7 weeks.

“It’s too soon to be talking about this.”

“Emily.”

“No.” I tried pulling my body away, “You said you wouldn’t, Ali.”

She sighed, “I know. I know. I’m sorry, but seeing my grandpa next to Nana and just like not leaving her side… Emmy, I want that. With you. Where is the hesitation? How are you so uncomfortable with even the idea?”

“Because I can’t even have you mention it without thinking of her. Without thinking about how ready I once was. I don’t know. It’s been like two fucking weeks since this was first brought up. Nothing has changed. I’m still the same terrified 25 year old ready to get down on one knee to a traitor.”

Traitor was a harsh word. Alison and I both knew it, but in the utterance of that word, I could tell that Alison also understood my headspace. This wasn’t simply someone who betrayed my trust. We had discussed getting married extensively. Ash knew where we were headed, and even with all of that, she said one thing to my face though her actions uttered the opposite. I knew that wasn’t Alison, but I also never thought that would be Ash either.

“This is going to sound dumb.” Alison adjusted herself to the pillow next to me, trying to give us space. “But you do know that I’m not her, right? I’m not trying to scare you away or lose you in any capacity, sweetheart. I just want you to know that I see it. Not right now. Maybe not even a year from now. I don’t know. But during whatever time I have promised on this Earth, I – A, want to be by your side and B, if you’ll have me, I want to be your wife. I don’t – I don’t know what’s in store for us. But all of this was so sudden. It made me reconsider where I am in life.”

“I know you’re not her, and I get what you’re saying. It still feels like a lot right now.”

“Let me be frank with you. If we had met at the gala yesterday, I would be calling you right now to ask you on a date. If we had just been on our first date yesterday, I would be calling you to ask if you would be my girlfriend. If we had been seriously dating yesterday, I would be calling you today to say I love you for the first time. If you were ready for marriage, I would be proposing. If we were married, I would be calling to tell you I’m ready to try for a kid together. After all of this, wherever we were yesterday wouldn’t have been good enough. Because with you I want more. I will always want more. Until it is me and you together, in a house together with a hoard of however many kids you want running around, I will not be satisfied.”

“Alison – “

“Fuck. Don’t tell me. You don’t want kids either?” She rolled over, hitting her hand against the mattress. “Emily, I’m serious. If you don’t want kids, please don’t tell me. I wouldn’t be able to take that right now.”

“Okay… there’s no need for you to panic. Let’s close this conversation first. We can talk kids next.” I trailed my finger down her spine, “Turn back for me, babe.”

She turned with her eyes closed, not wanting to take in all of her surroundings. Wishing she hadn’t brought up the topic in the first place, “Alison, we have the same end goal. I said that earlier. Either way, I see myself with you. Do you need me to put a time limit on it or something?”

“I’m not giving you an ultimatum.” Alison opened her eyes, scooting closer to me and wrapping one of her hands around the back of my knee.

“Then let’s not do an ultimatum. I don’t like the sound of that either. What about check-ins?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like every few weeks, we check-in with each other. We see if anything’s changed: how I’m feeling, how you’re feeling. And other than those, we leave it be. That way next time we’re not fighting in our afterglow.” I leaned forward to kiss her forehead, wanting nothing more than for her to let this go. For even a week. “How does that sound?”

“Whatever you want.” Her eyes looked about ready to fill with tears. She was ready to move on as much as I was.

“How about our first check-in is around New Years? Like when you come to Dallas?”

“I don’t want to ruin our New Years, Emily.”

“It’s just a check-in. A pulse check. Right before Christmas or right after the New Year wouldn’t be ideal either. But I don’t want you to go too long without hearing from me. Let’s do New Year’s. We can incorporate it into our resolutions or something. Or we could do January? Does anything big happen in January?”

“Jake’s birthday.” She shrugged her shoulders, attempting to smile. “He’ll be 8 on one, two, three.” Alison help up her fingers the corresponding numbers as she spoke.

“The 23rd. Okay, that makes it easy to remember.” I pointed to myself, “November 19th.” Then to Alison, “June 6th. And Jacob is January 23rd. Got it.”

She grinned at me, knowing that our discussion was settling down. That we were okay. That she didn’t need to panic. “So New Years?”

“Yeah, at any point on that trip either you can ask, or I will divulge. 10 means 100 percent ready. 0 means 0 percent ready.” I cuddled into her even closer, holding her hands in mine.

“And today you are a? Like I say,” She paused, adjusting her voice and shaking out her head before looking at me intently. “Emily, I want to marry you. And you say – ”

I wanted to say yes. More than anything, I wanted the shouting in my mind to escape my lips to reassure her that marrying her would be all that I could ever want. But so much was still up in the air, so much about us and our circumstance were unknown. Hell, Carter and I had just had our third decent conversation. Jacob and I were barely beginning a friendship. I could promise her something when our world was full of so many question marks. So, I was honest. Even though every part of me wanted to concede.

“I’m a six. I’m confident, but hesitant.”

Alison rolled her eyes, “Those are opposites, but whatever. Back to the next discussion that may break my heart.”

I rubbed my lips together before speaking, “You said something intriguing to me. When you were listing reasons marriage was different. You – “

“You caught that?”

“Of course, I did. You said that you would become a legal parent of any children we have. As if – “

She sighed as she replied, “I’d love more kids. But after the complications I had with Jacob, my OB isn’t sure if I can have any more. I had something called placenta previa that led to a ton of random bleeding that was really scary. It was one of the main reasons I had to have the C-section after not dilating more. But it can cause future scarring, especially combined with the scar tissue already formed. And I’m also seven years older, having that again would be a major complication instead of a minor one. I wouldn’t want to risk my health or a child’s health. I don’t need to have another child if those are the potential risks.”

“Completely. That sounds terrifying. I wouldn’t want you to risk that either.” I pulled her leg closer to me as I tucked my ankle between her calves. “I hope you know I’m happy you’re alright.”

“Same, sweetheart. But what about you, Emmy? You can be honest.”

I bit my lip, leaning forward again to place a kiss on her forehead, “I never thought about it until you.”

“Until me?” She smirked, tapping my nose.

I nodded. “My job keeps me so busy that I knew it would be irresponsible to have a child alone. Being with you and of course, Jacob, it’s forced me to think about it more.”

“And?”

“I don’t know how mine and Jacob’s relationship will transform overtime, but I already love him so much. And that’s without him being mine, you know? So, I can only imagine that weight that comes with having a biological child. The love and overwhelming pride that comes with that.”

“Don’t tell Carter, but giving birth to Jacob was by far the happiest day of my life.” We both fell apart laughing as Alison reached forward to place the back of her hand against my cheek. “He makes my life feel worth it. He’s the best thing I will ever do in this life of mine. I know that for sure.” I closed my eyes taking in her words. I felt Alison pull herself further into me as she tucked her head into chest while entangling our limbs. “You’d be a great mom, Emily. I’d love for you to have that same experience, if you want it. You already are one of Jacob’s biggest support systems. Whatever you choose to do, baby. You’ll be great.”

“Then we should try. Once we figure out the rest of our mess, we should try.” I laughed as Alison squealed into my shoulder.

“Really? My God, why didn’t we start with this conversation?” She kissed my face multiple times before rolling out of bed. “Okay, let me go pee. I’ll be right back.” Her head peeked around the corner as she washed her hands, “I honestly can’t even believe it. Everything outside of this room is a lot to handle. You don’t even understand, Emily. I need time to soak up the fact that at some point in time I’m going to be a Mom again.”

She sat down on her side of the bed, pulling the covers up her front while exposing parts of her hips and back to me. My fingers reached for her instinctually, etching the small stretch marks around her waist. They were reminders of a live well lived. A taste of all the ways the woman before me had grown, metaphorically or otherwise. Artwork tracing her skin. I looked at her at immediately felt proud. Proud of her journey. Proud of her strength. Proud of us. Proud of all we would become.

“What?” Alison glanced over her shoulder.

I blushed, knowing I had been caught in admiration, “Don’t mind me. I’m over here just falling a little bit more in love with you.”

She arched backward, smiling before giving me a short kiss, “You’re a tease, and I love you for it.” I watched her eyes widen before exhaling, us still face to face, “Honestly though, thank you. I, uh, really thought I’d never had another shot at parenting. Like Jacob was my only chance to get this right. It means the world to me that you would even consider it.”

“It’s not a consideration, Ali. We’ll make it happen, somehow, some way. Okay?”

“Okay…”

Even though the world around us felt heavy, the air between us was light. The cascading of emotions pulsing between us ranged from elation to grief to confusion. The day had brought us closer together for sure, but parts of the day had tried to tear us apart. Though now back on equal footing, I couldn’t help but question if behind the joy in Alison’s eyes, she was still thinking back to my uncertainty. I wondered if in some ways I had lost a part of her tonight. Not through the passing of her grandmother, but solely through my own words and actions. That at some point the woman in my arms would have to let me go.

Simply because I was terrified to completely let go myself.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks again for all of the support. Also, due to the weather, I was unable to update the story I'm working on over on Patreon, BUT there are two pretty great chapters up over there as well as other exclusive content including short stories, poems, blog posts, etc. Shout out to my top supporters SquishyAnon and armybrat8.**

**Next chapter up next Sunday! I appreciate you all.**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	21. Brave The Seasons

Walking back into the room the next morning, Alison was just starting to open her eyes in the glow of the lamp on our bedside table. I loved her sleepy hair. The way that layers of her hair faded into cowlicks overnight masking and covering her face. She forever had to brush bangs from her face in the morning. So despite seeing her eyes flutter open, I knew she was still a few minutes from waking up fully.

"Yeah, definitely. I will pass the word along." I whispered into the receiver of my cell. "And thanks for answering my call so early in the morning, Jason. I'm not heading to the airport until around 2, so text me the updates until then." I laughed at his reply, "No, I'm looking at her now. As much as you beg to differ, her sleep did only make her more beautiful. Yeah, yeah. I know we're disgusting. If I don't see you, thank you for everything you've done for your parents so far. If Alison can't say it to you yet, I want to make sure I do." Alison wrapped her arms across her chest as she tucked the sheets around her, looking at me with her head tilted." For sure. It was good to see you. Call me day or night with anything I can help with. Even from Baltimore, I'll help as much as I can." I leaned forward, kissing her forehead. "Sure thing. Bye." I paused, as I looked into her eyes, "Good morning."

Her fingers coursed through the hair at my shoulders, "Morning. What was that?"

"You asked for me to talk to Jason yesterday about the funeral arrangements. I explained it, and it's done."

"It's done?" She smiled, gently.

"Yeah, sweetheart. It's not on your shoulders. I'm answering any and all of his questions until I leave this afternoon. But you're with me today."

"And we are in charge of what?" She followed me with her eyes as I walked around the bottom of the bed before sitting down beside her.

Placing my hand underneath her chin, I replied, "Absolutely nothing." I kissed her tenderly. "Nothing at all."

She nodded, slightly sighing in contentment, "So, we can keep talking then?"

"We can always keep talking. That's what we do."

Alison laid back on her pillow, staring up at the ceiling, "I want you to tell me the story."

I curled into her side, resting my hand against her torso and chest, "And what story is that?"

"I was thinking about it last night, and yes, I respect what you said. I accept it, and I will never push you, Em. But I don't understand it, and I don't think you do either."

She was speaking vaguely because she had promised not to bring it up again until Christmas. She was breaching the subject but without manipulating the conversation. I laid there silently wanting her to continue because I feared if I started, I may never stop.

"I don't think you understand what you saying that shit does to me. That I am ready and willing and able, and you're – I don't know – you're..."

"Stuck." I sighed. "I mean, it doesn't feel great being the one with trauma they haven't overcome either. Knowing that I'm what's holding us back, not an arbitrary thing, but actually me."

She kissed the top of my head, "And so, I want you to tell me the story. I want to understand it."

"Really? We have the whole morning together, and you want me to relive my past."

"Yeah. I want to be able to leave you this week understanding exactly where and why we stand."

Her family's entire world was crumbling and so, here she was seeking an ounce of solid ground. A crumb to cling to. But it had taken me years to not endlessly replay that day over and over again in my head. It had nearly destroyed me. But I was still here, and I was still traumatized. It was still a weight that I carried daily. And part of me figured that maybe if I finally told someone, really told someone, maybe the weight would fade altogether.

"I don't need the beginning, middle, and end, Emmy. Just the end. Start at the end."

* * *

_Her singing voice echoed through the wood finishing of our apartment. It was one of the reasons we chose to rent it, the way her voice carried effortlessly from the kitchen up into our loft. It was my favorite way to wake up. She was my favorite way to wake up. I turned to the right as Casper lay curled on top of her pillow. Extending my hand, he mewled, rubbing his head against the back of my hand as he purred._

_"Good morning, little guy. Is Momma's pillow warm?" I leaned his way, placing a kiss on his head as he curled further into the dent Ash carved out from her head._

_Was this the perfect moment? Waking up on a Saturday, her voice gracing my ears as the smell of bacon wafted into the eaves. I reached into my side table, checking the non-descript box I kept her ring in to ensure it was still intact. It was still perfect. Radiant cut. Halo band. Exactly what she wanted._

_"Ems? Are you up yet?"_

_Her voice startled me as I dropped the box haphazardly into the drawer. I coughed to cover the sound. "Be right down!"_

_I rolled out of bed, stopping at the full-length mirror next to our bed to adjust my long t-shirt over my boy shorts that were barely peeking through. I inhaled, straightening my hair with my fingers before rolling my eyes at the stack of books on the desk next to me._

_"Three more months, Emily. Breathe."_

_"Did you need me to bring this upstairs, or are you coming down?" She peered over the edge of the stairwell railing._

_A girl like Ashton was forever my ideal type. She pulled off sexy effortlessly because her sex appeal was in her very being. She wore a white t-shirt and grey sweatpants. Her dyed jet black hair was thrown into a slicked, short ponytail from completing laps at the pool earlier this morning and peeking from the edges of her shirt were scattered tattoos forming the early patterns of a full sleeve. She now carried herself as though she knew how attractive she was, but when we first began dating our freshman year of college, she was more unsure of herself than even I was._

_"Just making myself presentable." I ushered, coming down the stairs to greet her. She stared at my legs which immediately made me wonder if I should've taken the extra 20 seconds to throw some pants on._

_I leaned over the edge of the railing to give her a brief kiss. I had every desire for it to continue, but she pulled away faster than I had anticipated. Three. It had been three days since we had kissed. Actually kissed, I mean. Passionately kissed. It threw me off, but Ash was frequently moody. She ebbed and flowed based on the impact of the most minute things in her life._

_"I didn't feel you crawl into bed last night." I initiated, sitting down next to her at our barstools, "But I woke up to pee just before your alarm went off, and there you were."_

_She smirked, reflexively passing the ketchup my way for my hash browns. We had been together so long that our wants and needs rarely needed to be expressed. Everything was evident. "My session last night got delayed by a few hours because of a picky ass client that came in before me."_

_"How's it looking now? Shading was last night, right?"_

_She nodded, lifting up her sleeve to reveal her newest tattoo. Plastered on her right bicep was a growing rose. It appeared to be hand-sketched, the petals and leaves giving way to individual lines cascading through. The fold of each petal expertly shaped and shaded. It was my favorite of the designs she had created thus far because of its simplicity at first glance before realizing its every intricacy. One of the petals though had been left blank, as though done intentionally. It was a small swathe of skin, but big enough to be noticeable to the naked eye._

_My finger hovered over the open, yet decorated, wound before responding. "And this bit?"_

_She grabbed for her fork again, causing her arm to jerk away to take her next bite, "Just more shading and lines that need to be finished. He had a booking at midnight."_

_"Ah, I see." I took another bite, "It just seems strange that he stopped at that part. I mean, the other lines all around that area are –"_

_"Ems, I'm not trained in the art of tattooing. I can't explain why or how he does any of these processes. I'm just along for the ride."_

_Her defensiveness caught me by surprise, but I didn't dare question it, "No, I don't know how it works, Ash. I was just wondering. Did the tattoo guard stuff I bought last week help in the pool this morning? I searched high and – "_

_"Yeah, babe. It worked a lot better than the last stuff." She extended her hand toward me, grabbing ahold of my pointer finger to place pressure on either side of the digit, letting her pinky linger over my palm. It was the closest I felt to her in days. "Thank you. You have afternoon rotation today, right?"_

_"Unfortunately. Only a few more weeks though and then, I just have to study. We're almost in the clear. But yeah, I have the 2 to 2 shift, but then I'm off until next Thursday. We'll have to do a date night early in the week."_

_"You plan it, and I'm in." She paused, looking back at me deeply, "You got the next few months. I know you do." Her wink seemed insincere. As if the intention didn't quite reach her lips. Scarfing down the rest of her breakfast, Ashton walked toward the blender to start making a smoothie, "You want one?"_

_"No, this is perfect. I'm sure you're body's craving calories though. I promise once work slows down, I'll get back to the pool with you."_

_"You're busy becoming a doctor and shit. You're far more impressive." She turned back to grab food from the fridge. "But don't worry about, all that running around on your shifts has kept you in shape."_

_"Thank you?" I took another bite out of my bacon before speaking, "That's not why I did it after undergrad though, A. I loved us having something to do together. Now, it's just – "_

_She placed a finger over her lips walking toward me, "Shh. Don't get into your head about all of that. You make me proud." She kissed the top of my head before walking back to pour her shake, add in protein powder, and begin mixing. Slinking over to the door, she started putting back on her slides, causing my head to do a double take._

_"Ash? What are you doing?"_

_She pointed, "Gotta go to the pool."_

_"Didn't you just come from there?"_

_Her nod was confident as she slung her bag over her shoulder, "Only did the first three miles. I wanted to make sure you had a good meal before your shift."_

_"Oh, okay. Thanks for doing that then. See you when I get home?"_

_But she didn't reply. Well, nothing more than a simple nod. It was typical for her but felt more like a slap than a non-verbal gesture. I knew that this ER rotation would either make or break us, and I was devastated that I couldn't do more to prevent the break. That such a long relationship could be tainted by a new schedule. I sighed while picking up our dishes, knowing that it was the least I could do when I was absent close to 60 hours a week. It was a heartbreaking realization. I was absent while at work. But she was absent while I was home._

* * *

_I didn't get home from my shift until after 4 am. A drunk driving incident sent a relatively slow night in the ER into a tailspin. I tossed the keys onto the counter without a second thought and shook Casper's cat treats by the door quietly as I always did. After waiting a few moments without hearing his paws scamper down the stairs, I opened the lid to shake out a few treats, knowing he would always welcome the surprise in the morning. Even though Ashton hated it, I stripped out of my scrubs and underwear while making my way to bed. The shower would need to wait. My body heaved into the mattress as I reached to curl around my girlfriend. But she wasn't there. In fact, her pillow was cold to the touch. I shook off my anxious thoughts and shot off a text before plugging my phone into its charger._

**_Shift went long and I'm just getting home. I'm sure you're on your Sunday bike ride. So proud of your tenacity and dedication to this triathlon stuff. I love you, Ash. Be safe._ **

_My body turned off quickly, letting the crisp air around me cocoon me into slumber. The light through our 2nd floor windows woke me up however many hours later. I needed to remind her to hang those blinds we purchased a few weeks back. I didn't have too many night shifts, but those windows completely fucked with my sleep when I did. I rolled over hoping to find Ash or Casper by my side. But still nothing._

_"A? Babe?" I called down, grabbing my phone to see no missed calls or texts._

_The next few minutes still feel like a blur though. Because I don't remember going downstairs. Instead, I felt distant from my own body as I walked to the key holder by the front door completely nude and stepped on the treats left for Casper one sleep cycle earlier._

_"What the fuck?" I reached over to flick the cat food off the bottom of my foot. "What? The? Fuck?"_

_The words came out slowly as my eyes began to unfog and adjusted to the room around me. Because, shit was missing. And not just some of our shit. From the shoes usually stacked by the door to our television that typically rested on top of our stand to the painting Ash did last summer as a project to test herself. I raced upstairs to see her nightstand bare. Casper's litter box? Gone. And the icing on the cake, Ashton's side of the closet? Empty._

_I called her without hesitation hoping that maybe this point of contact would wake me out of whatever nightmare I had been trapped in. Sinking into bed, I pulled the sheets around me waiting for her to answer. But after 30 seconds all I heard was the sound of her voicemail._

**_You've reached the voicemail box of Ashton Miller. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a brief message, I will get back to you as soon as possible. As always, text me if it's easier, I'm more reliable that way. Talk to you soon. Bye._ **

**_Umm, A? It's me. It's like – fuck – a little after 9, and I just woke up. But Ash, all your shit is gone? Please tell me this is a cruel joke or maybe a prank. I'm just not sure what's going on, so if you could call me for some clarity, that would be great. It's Emily, by the way. I'm sure you knew that. Okay, I'm going to go. Call me back please, love._ **

_Our apartment suddenly felt colder. As if without the warmth of her presence, I was meant to choke in absence of air. My ears began ringing at the delay of not hearing her voice. And despite my mind racing trying to figure out what was happening around me, everything went blank. I lost the ability to process the world around me. Life without Ashton in it ceased to exist. At least it did for the next few days._

_Mid-day Tuesday, I was awoken from my haze by a panicked knock at the door. It wasn't Ashton's knock, so I hesitated. But as I reached for my phone, I could tell from my missed calls and texts immediately who it was. I sighed, collecting myself into my sweats before throwing my hair into a messy bun to walk downstairs toward my front door._

_"EMILY FUCKING FIELDS, IF YOU DON'T COME TO THIS GODDAMN DOOR RIGHT NOW, I'LL HAVE TO KICK – "_

_"Shut up, please." I groaned, throwing the door open while already heading back to the sofa that Ashton had so graciously left behind._

_She huffed through the door, looking around at the mess I had created over the past 3 days. "I told you that I would be here as soon as I was done with my 3-day shift, bitch. Don't act so surprised."_

_"Maya, I need you to turn down the volume. Seriously, I am barely able to get my mind to catch up. But honestly, I'm surprised you held off this long."_

_"Emily." She paused, looking over her shoulder while already elbow deep in water to do my dishes. "I'm your best friend. I would've been here 9 am Saturday if you had fucking told me. In fact, after this, I'm walking around and taking inventory of everything that asshole stole. You know, she had no fucking right. After all these years. Did she call?"_

_I shook my head while turning to stare at the blank wall in front of me. I met Maya in my first Bio-Chem class second semester of my Freshman year. She spilled her coffee on my lap trying to squeeze past me while running late and as a thank you, she brought me an iced coffee every Tuesday class for the rest of the semester. We've been inseparable ever since, even lining up our rotations to match in these final months of Med School. Still decked out in scrubs, Maya forever showed up for me even after three straight 12 hour shifts. With all of the thankfulness inside of me though that she was here, I couldn't vocalize my appreciation. No words could come out._

_"And she took the fucking cat?"_

_"Yeah... Casper's gone too." Saying those words brought tears to my eyes, made everything feel more real._

_"I knew she was a bitch sometimes, but damn." Maya stopped, glancing at the walls for the first time, "She took all her shit..."_

_"Yeah, Maya. That's what I fucking told you."_

_At this point in our lives, Maya and I talked nearly every day. We followed up after our shifts in order to compare notes about decisions made during times of strife. We discussed all of her boy drama. We detailed our ideas of the future and reminisced on the past. So when she called me Sunday night, I knew that I had to answer. Even in the midst of my tears._

_She sighed, wiping off her hands before walking toward the couch to sit next to me. "Babe, I could barely understand you when we first spoke. Forgive me for not believing you when you said quote unquote 'She left me with nothing.'"_

_"Such an ass, My." I sulked._

_Shoving my elbow, she replied, "Look. I'm just trying to make you smile. You look like shit. Which like, most of time, I would be cool with because I'm never the hot one. But in this case, it's just kind of sad."_

_"Fuck off."_

_"Okay, okay. So how many times have you tried to call her so far?"_

_"Twice. Saturday when I woke up and yesterday while painfully intoxicated at 9 am."_

_"You're a disaster."_

_"What the fuck would you do in this scenario, My? Bide your time? My near fiancée waited until I went to work and then speed moved out of the home we share together because she was unable to break up with me. And now won't answer my fucking calls? There had to be someone else, right?"_

_"Don't go into a tailspin, Emily. Maybe she found the ring? Like are you 100 percent sure that she was ready for marriage?"_

_"I mean, we had discussed getting engaged before my graduation multiple times."_

_"Recently?" She rested her hand on my leg, attempting to diffuse my anxiety._

_I ran my hand through my greasy hair, trying to flatten it down, "We talked about it last summer. But I stopped bringing it up after buying the ring in October because I wanted everything to be a surprise. So it's been about five or six months?" A grimace pulled across my face, "Is that a bad thing?"_

_"Look at your apartment, Ems. This is obviously not a good thing." My head collapsed into my hands at the weight of this week settling upon me. "Babe, no. Please don't cry on me. You know I'm not good with emotion."_

_I glanced up at her in pure frustration, "What else am I supposed to do? She's the love of my life. Well, she was. I thought she was? I don't know what's appropriate to say in this scenario. I've spent 7 years with her, My. And she up and left? After all of that time? It's so much to process."_

_"Okay. I get that; I understand that. I can call her? Do you want to sit here with me, and I'll call? Maybe she'll answer me. I don't know." I shrugged as she picked up her phone, scrolling through before selecting her name to call._

_Maya looked back and forth from me to her phone as I, unmistakably, heard Ashton's sigh on the other line, "Hey, Maya."_

_"Ash?" She asked suspiciously, "I can't fucking believe you actually picked up."_

_"Are you with Emily?"_

_Maya looked up at me as I shook my head. I knew Ashton would clam up if she knew I were right here. Her and Maya were good friends as well. If I wanted information, I needed to stay silent._

_"I just got to my car from leaving there. I don't know what is happening. What did you do?"_

_"I'm not going to try to explain myself here."_

_"No. I need you to explain yourself."_

_"Is she alright?"_

_"Are you an idiot, Ashton? You're asking if your girlfriend of seven fucking years is alright when you fully moved out in the middle of her shift?"_

_"Maya, you have to listen to me. I tried to do it in person, multiple times. But she's been so exhausted at work lately that she comes home and just passes out. I couldn't – I just – ."_

_"There will never be an excuse for this, Ash. Where did you even go?" I could heard her teeth against her nails, anxiously biting back and forth as the three of us sat in silence. "How long have you been thinking about this? If our rotations are just getting to you, they've been going on for 10 months? You had like 3 weeks left and then things would be back to normal. I don't buy it for a second."_

_"It's been months, My! She's home two to three days a week and is only available for half of that time because of the sleep schedule of night shifts."_

_"You aren't answering my questions though, babe."_

_I could picture her now. Hair in an adorable ponytail as the detailing of her tattoos lingered up the back of her neck. Her hand rubbing her chest and up her neck nervously. Her leg shaking as she sat. She sounded like she had been crying before the phone call. Imagining her shining green eyes and blown pupils from stress made my mouth shirk. My heart was aching from the choices made from the woman who made my heart so full. Hearing her hurting made my stomach sink._

_"Since September." She muttered. "I've known since September."_

_September. Nearly 6 months ago. Before I bought the ring. And long before I thought things were going poorly. She had been planning this. This hadn't been spur of the moment or an idea created over the past few weeks. This had been months of preparation and decision-making. It was worse than I had thought._

_"It's nearly March, Ash. What the fuck?"_

_"Put yourself in my shoes. You know Emily. She's fragile. And every time I wanted to bring it up, she showered me with love and patience and... fuck. How do you destroy your best friend, Maya? How do you rip out the heart of woman who made you who you are?"_

_"I don't know... But you know she deserves to hear this from you. She mentioned that she's called you twice?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"If you loved her at all when you left, A, you have to call her to explain. She looked horrible." I hit Maya's upper arm with my hand as she hid a laugh. "Call her today, please. Give her a day to process your words before she has to go back to work. As much as you were stressed about destroying your best friend and ripping her heart out, you definitely did. Own it and give her the respect of hearing all of this from you."_

_"You don't think she felt it too? You don't think she could sense this coming?"_

_"No, Ash, I don't. I think she thought you were her forever."_

_I could hear her feet on the floor of wherever she was. Her pacing seemed frantic. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." She sighed again, "Okay, you're right. She's at home right now?"_

_"Yeah. That's where I left her."_

_"Okay. I'll talk to you later, I guess? I don't know. You were Emily's friend first so..."_

_"I love you, Ash. But simultaneously, I hate your guts right now. Everyone in Emily's life trusted her with you. For years we trusted you, and this is how you end it. It's fucked."_

_"Alright." Her exhale radiated through the phone, "I deserve that. I just have to be honest with her, I guess. Um, thanks for calling."_

_"Whatever. The more I think about it, the more pissed I get. Bye." She hung up the phone rolling her eyes before turning back to me, "She's hiding something. There is no reason that she would say she needed to be honest with you. Isn't that what she was just doing with me? Guess not. What an ass. What did she say? 'How do you rip out the heart of the woman who made you who you are?' Maybe have the wherewithal to NOT rip out her fucking heart? How about that, bitch?" Maya groaned as she stood, "I'm so sorry, Emily. If I had seen this coming at all I – "_

_"Don't worry about it. I think I'm growing numb. She seemed sad, but not about the break up. Just about hurting me. It's over, isn't it?"_

_Maya began to nod as my phone vibrated next to me. I picked it up warily, putting the phone to my ear without speaking._

_"Hello? Ems? Emily?"_

_"Yep." I replied. The only words I was able to choke out before my throat closed from lack of air. Hearing her say my name. Hearing the echo in my ears knowing it was potentially the last time hit me harder than I had anticipated._

_"Baby, I know you're confused. I couldn't do this in person; it would hurt my heart too much."_

_I gulped, "Ashton, you do realize that me having to do this alone is agonizing though? If you wanted to end it, I deserved you being here right now."_

_"You would be pissed at me..."_

_"And I'm not right now? I've given you over a quarter of my life. I had planned our future with you as a centerpiece. And I had to wake up in basically an abandoned apartment. I can't even believe this is real."_

_She sighed, "I have to just rip the band-aid off."_

_"You leaving wasn't the band-aid?"_

_"No, no. Emily, there's another girl..." Her voice faded as my heart stopped. The ringing in my ears returned. The echo in my home exacerbated by her words. "Ems? You still there?"_

_"Don't call me that. Please, not right now. Not after saying that." It was now settling in that she had removed everything that was hers because she knew all I would want was revenge. She knew that one utterance of cheating would send me over an edge I couldn't come back from. "How long, Ashton? How fucking long?"_

_"I guess officially like November."_

_"Officially?" The use of that word made me want to vomit. We were official. We were each other's everything. We had been for years. "So you're there now, I guess."_

_"Yeah, I moved in here."_

_"Never call me again. Do you understand me?"_

_"Em – "_

_"No, these are the last words I'm ever going to say you. How dare you?" My lips were now in a snarl, "How dare you do this to us? To me? I woke up alone, Ashton! I thought the worst, but even my worst didn't include you leaving without saying a fucking word. Did we mean that little to you at the end that I didn't even deserve to have this conversation with you in person? Hell, that I didn't deserve to have this conversation in November? I've loved you for so much of my life that I don't even know what a life without you looks like. You cut me in two. I can't – Please. Please never call me again. You wanted this to be over without another word, so make sure that wish of yours continues. I hope you regret this every single day of your fucking life, Ash. I hope you look in the mirror and only see what I put into you. And I hate you for doing the same to me. For putting your time and effort into me only to rip it all away. I never want to speak to you again. I hope you're happy, but know that I won't be happy for a long time. But you knew that..."_

_"You're going to be okay, Emily. You're going to find someone who loves every part of you, who can handle you being gone, who is better than me."_

_"This has already destroy me. So I'm not sure how you think I'll ever be better off."_

_"Because you're you. You're amazing."_

_"Just not amazing enough for you; I gotcha. Bye Ashton. I'm blocking your number when we hang up. Do not try to reach me again."_

_"Yeah, okay. I understand."_

* * *

"And I haven't spoken to her since." We hadn't moved since the story started. We were permanently affixed to our hotel room bed as I retold the day I thought my life had fallen completely apart. The day that I thought was the beginning of my end but turned out to be the beginning of my beginning. The moment I started living for myself and no one else. The day I looked to now as the catalyst for who I am today. "She still lives in Austin, and I think is still with the same girl. But, yeah, my biggest fear is knowing someone intimately and for an extended period of time and them – "

"You don't want to be left behind again." Her fingers traced up the side of my arm. "You're scared of being so close to someone that they can hurt you like that again." I nodded into her chest, "It's that she took everything, right? That you woke up and your whole world was changed?"

My mouth quickly moved into a pout as my lip began to quiver, "She took everything I knew away from me. Everything I clung to for stability; she ripped it out from under me. Everything I knew changed in an instant. And I wasn't even deserving of a 'goodbye'. She never said it. She left it open. Even after all of that, I was the one that had to close the door. She was the person I knew the most in the world. And looking back on it, she wasn't even real. What I knew of her was more a mirage than who she actually was. Knowing I could lose myself and be ready to marry someone I didn't actually even know makes me incredibly fearful to get to that place again."

Alison wrapped both of her arms around me tightly as she began to speak again, "This would never happen, but I want you to listen to me. Last night you said that what was most important to you was our 'life together'. So let's say we did that. Let's say, we never got married, okay? And we stayed together for years and years as though we were married but without the label. I want you to think about it, Em. What would prevent me from leaving the same way? We could be old and grey, and I could still up and leave. You being ready to get married or not doesn't impact my ability to choose to leave." She felt my body shiver beneath her, leading her to hold me closer, "And let me reiterate, I would never do that."

"I know. But I thought I knew that with her too. It's hard to convincing your brain to trust your heart and vice versa."

"What do you trust then, Emmy?" She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear before kissing my temple. She knew I didn't need consoling; I had healed from everything that happened 6 years ago. I didn't need to be healed. I needed to be heard. And above all else, I needed connection.

I rolled onto my chest, resting my chin on the back of my hand. "You. I trust you." She tilted her head, lightly confused as I continued, "I trust you not to hurt me until I catch up."

"So you're going to catch up?" She smirked, leaning forward to place a small kiss on my cheek.

"I'm going to try, Ali." I closed my eyes to inhale through my nose, seeking peace in my gasping breaths. "Does hearing all of that help you at all?"

"It helps me understand last night, and you being upset about feeling like we're on uneven ground. It helps me see why you don't like being interrupted and why you hate unfinished conversations. Your life was upturned by all of those things. It helps me understand you more for sure, Emmy. You have all the time you need. We'll rely on those check-ins though, okay?" Alison's thumb traced over my cheek, her eyes pleading for me to stay alongside her.

"Yeah, the check-ins will be good."

She bit the side of her top lip while scratching my back, "We _are_ on the same ground though, babe. We are, okay? Same end goal."

"You're just a little ahead of me?" I placed my head down onto her chest, looking up at her only with my eyes.

"I'm waiting for you in forever, Emmy." She smiled down at me, waiting to see my reaction. "I hope you know that I respect you so much for telling me all of that, and you are so strong for making it through that."

"Thank you, but I'm over it."

"I hear you. But it's okay if you think you're over it today but then tomorrow it hits you all over again. It's okay for you to fall apart even after you had it under control. There is no timeline on healing."

I kissed the top of her chest before whispering, "I love you."

"I love you, too. Thank you for being here."

"I wouldn't have missed being here with you for the world."

For the next few hours, we laid aimlessly in our bed. It was those moments of silence though that solidified my love for Alison. We were lucky that in our silence came immense peace. That for us love was more than a feeling. It was an action.

Love was how I squealed at Alison's cold feet when she brought them across the bed and yet still put them between my legs to warm them up. Love was how my heart continuously fluttered with a simple kiss on the cheek. Love was the way I consoled Alison as her grandmother was passing away, but Alison checked in _on me_ the moment we made it back to the room. Love was the way she was holding me even now. She was intentional but delicate. It's forever how she loved me. It's forever how we loved.

And in that moment, though I didn't vocalize it to Alison at all... Out of 10?

I was now a confident 7.

* * *

**A/N: Loved writing this chapter. Finally getting a full picture of the loss Emily faced in her previous relationship is crucial to her and Alison moving forward, so I hope you all enjoyed seeing how she became some heartbroken about all of this in the first place.**

**As always feel free to check out my Patreon if you're interested in reading exclusive content and supporting me along the way! I just got back into my house on Friday, so this will be the only update this week as well. We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming next week though! Thank you all for your patience and I hope you are enjoying the journey!**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	22. Best Laid Plans - Part 1

Though if anyone asked me outright about it later I would lie, leaving Alison in our hotel room while heading to the airport definitely made me cry. Over the period of a few weeks, I had turned into a total sap. I hated the thought of leaving her to process her grandmother’s death alone. It made me nauseated to leave her because of how broken down I saw her retelling Jacob’s story. Being with her the past 24 hours allowed her to keep her thoughts on me. It allowed her to ask about me, think about me, dream about me. But I knew she’d get lost in her head without me by her side. During whatever period gap there was between me leaving and Jacob and Carter showing up for the funeral, she would devolve more and more. It crippled me that I would be unable to change that reality. That all I did by leaving was hurt her more.

Slipping into my row on the airplane, I adjusted myself in the aisle so that others could pass by, realizing that my winter coat was tragically in the way.

“So sorry.” I whispered behind me while taking off my jacket, attempting to fold it in my hands carefully before stowing it in the compartments above. But as I rotated the jacket in my arms, a piece of paper from the inside pocket fell onto the aisle floor below me. Turning to apologize again, I awkwardly squatted to pick up the thick wad of paper now lying on the carpet next to my aisle seat.

My hands immediately developed a layer of thick sweat stressing about what I was even holding in my palms. I looked around the plane hesitantly, waiting for the people to my right to board before actually looking at the paper. Because the moment it fell to the floor, my stomach dropped believing to know exactly what it was. Not because I had any real inkling, but because part of me wished it to be.

_Note #9_

_November 4, 2019_

“I knew it.” I whispered into my chest as we started taxing toward the runway.

_Hi baby,_

_After your sweet jacket letter a few weeks back, I knew that I needed to return the favor. I’m going to put this in your thickest jacket though in hopes that it may take a few days to find. Anyway, whenever you are finding this, please know that I love you more today than I did at the time of writing. That over the time between now and then, so much is bound to have occurred to lead me to fall in love with you even more._

_Heading into the month of November though, I figured that it would be cute to write a ‘thankful’ list. I love you for so many reasons, but every day you make me thankful to be yours. Like Emmy, I don’t think you understand how lost I was a month ago. I know that we aren’t here to complete each other. I know that we exist separate from each other, but I am better because of you. Because of all you do without realizing it._

\- _You wake up happy every single morning. You instinctually smile because it’s a new day._

\- _You never push me away when I want to cuddle, even when you’re tucked under a blanket, and I’m sure are already toasty._

\- _Even though I toss and turn in my sleep, you never get upset when I wake you up. In fact, you always only pull me closer._

\- _You don’t just tell me I’m beautiful… you show me that I am._

\- _The kind things you do for me are simply to be kind; you never expect something in return or try to hold anything over my head._

_But I’m the most thankful for you because you wake up every day and choose to love me in return. And I promise to always do the same for you. Loving you and being loved by you has been the biggest surprise of this year. I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives hold in store for us. You make every day together better than the last._

_All my love,_

_Alison_

_P.S. When you do find this letter, call me ‘Al’ in our next conversation. I told you not to use that nickname, so I know you won’t until you read this. Say it casually. I promise I’ll catch it._

* * *

**Hey sweetheart. Just landed in Baltimore safe and sound. As a reminder, my car is in your garage until this weekend. I’m off Thanksgiving Day through Sunday so, I’ll take the train whenever you get back. Have an amazing week, and please call me day or night if you need to chat. I will call you at 11 am your time daily, okay? I love you. Stay strong.**

**This just made me smile for the first time since you left. I miss you, but I’m so happy that you’re back home safely. If the funeral is this weekend, I’ll buy you a flight out here because I don’t want to go through the day without you if I don’t have to. I promise I’ll call and can’t wait to talk to you tonight. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you again for this weekend. You’re amazing, Emmy.**

**I’ll go wherever you need me to be. Also, I’m working on taking next Thursday afternoon off for J’s appointment at the hospital. I’ll be there for support if you need me. No need to thank me, Ali. You would be there for me in a heartbeat. Talk to you in a few hours. Say, 8 pm your time so you can still do your tuck-in with Jacob?**

**Sounds perfect. Talk to you then.**

* * *

I settled into my bed a little before nine with butterflies in my stomach. It had been less than ten hours since I had seen Alison, but I desperately wanted to see her face to ensure that she was okay. Her instinct was to hide her emotions, to tuck her pain and move forward without showing it to the world. If there was a time for her to rely on those instincts, it would be now, and I hoped more than anything that she would drop that guard for me. But more than that, seeing her made me instantly at peace. Hearing her voice kept my own anxiety at bay. Seeing her eyes brought me back to the first night we met. Being in front of her reminded me that things were okay by her side.

I adjusted the bun on my head in anticipation as my phone started buzzing next to my hip. Grabbing my phone and quickly lying on my stomach facing the end of my bed, I opened the call with a tilt of my head and a smile.

“Hi, cutie.”

Alison’s chin was resting on her fist as she leaned over her knee. “How have you become even more adorable?”

“I miss you.”

“Stop that.” She muttered, looking up at the ceiling to blink quickly, “Please don’t say that.”

“Awh, you okay over there?”

Throwing her hair over her shoulder, she kept speaking, “Not really. We, uh, we had to tell Jacob tonight, and he’s just too young to really understand it.”

“I bet that was hard. Was Carter helpful?” Alison nodded. “That’s good. Maybe he’ll understand it more at the funeral itself?”

“Maybe.” She paused, wiping more tears from her eyes while trying to keep it together, “Also, the funeral is this Saturday. Carter is having to get things situated for his parents and my parents while they’re still in Chicago with us, so I have a proposal for you.”

“What’s that?”

“Jacob’s eye appointment is scheduled for Friday to rule out the blurry vision prior to his appointment at the hospital next week. But Carter now has to go to my parent’s house in order to gather some documents and stuff from their house. If I pay for all of your traveling and everything, is there a way you can be in Philadelphia by 11 am on Friday for the appointment?”

“11 on Friday?” I pulled down my phone, flipping away from the screen to look at my calendar.

“Yeah, babe. There’s a flight from Philly to Chicago at 4 that the three of you could be on potentially?”

“My Friday is clear. Can I sleep at your place Thursday night? I’ll come up by train during the day.”

“Definitely. You can work out specifics with Carter, but you’ll just need to bring him to the appointment and help him pick out glasses if that’s what he needs.”

I smirked, pulling back up her screen. “Can do, Al.”

She nodded, while writing in her calendar next to her. As she processed my sentence though, I watched her eyebrow raise, “What was that?”

“Nothing big.” I gestured with my hand, “All I said was ‘Can do, Al.’”

“Emily!” She straightened up.

“Alison…”

Alison smiled as she flung herself backward on her bed, “Oh my god! It has been AGES, babe!”

“What are you talking about?” I jokingly posed.

She stopped, looking around suspiciously, “Oh! Um, what are _you_ talking about?”

Laughing before I could even reply, she collapsed in gratefulness, “I can’t do it! It’s what you think it is. I found the letter.”

“I thought it had been lost forever, Emmy!”

“Nope. She slipped on out while trying to fold my jacket up on the plane. The inner pocket was quite sneaky of you.”

“I thought so! Did it age well?”

“Incredibly well, darling.”

She shuddered her shoulders as she turned to her side, “Sorry about that. I don’t know if that’s because of the excitement from you finding the letter, or you calling me darling.” I subconsciously bit my lip at view of her endearing smile. “Don’t do that either, Em. I can’t be with you until Friday. Saying and doing that shit isn’t fair.”

“What shit, darling?” I laughed into my bed as she let out another rigor before glaring at me, “I thought it was the word. You did the same thing the first time I called you that when you came over for dinner the week before Halloween.”

“Not cool, Emily.”

“Your letter did the same to me on fucking public transport today. So I think you got the better end of the deal. We’re going to get back to how today was for you, but I wanted to tell you how much I loved the last paragraph. It really summed up where I think we both are right now with us. Kind of like the place we’ve nestled into, you know?”

I watched as Alison propped me up onto the pillow next to her, “Read it to me? It’s been, what? 3 weeks?”

“I think so. Let me run and grab it. Wait for me?”

“Always.”

Rushing downstairs, I rustled through my jacket pocket to pull out the folded piece of paper before grabbing a glass of water to head back upstairs. Settling onto the bed though, I saw Alison with her eyes closed on her pillow, “You still awake for me?”

“I am.” She whispered, eyes still closed, “I want to hear your voice say the words back to me though.”

“Of course.” I adjusted my voice before reading Alison’s words to her, “But I’m the most thankful for you because you wake up every day and choose to love me in return. And I promise to always do the same for you. Loving you and being loved by you has been the biggest surprise of this year. I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives hold in store for us. You make every day together better than the last.”

“Which part was your favorite?” She asked, peeking through the bottoms of one of her eyes to see my smile.

“Loving you has been the biggest surprise of this year for me too. Honestly, after everything I went through with Ash, I didn’t see myself ever loving someone as much as I loved her. But, I was very, very wrong.”

She smirked at me, pulling the phone closer to her face, “You love me more?”

Readjusting my legs underneath me, I sighed, “I love you differently.”

“Differently… I guess I get that.” She opened one eye widely before pulling the covers of her bed back up underneath her chin.

“Let me explain. Think about you and Carter. You dated – slash – were married from 23 to 27?”

“Close enough.”

“Okay. And think about what you believed love to be between those ages compared to even your relationship before Carter. All I’m saying is that for 7 years I loved someone as though they were the only person made for me. I loved desperately, as if she was my only shot at this. But I learned during the years between, that love comes in so many forms and in so many ways. I would say that I’m a big believer in soulmates, but not in the traditional sense. My best friend, Maya, is a good example. Our souls are connected unlike any other relationship in my life, and yet, I still love her differently than I did Ash, or how I love you. I’m still picking up on this more and more each day, but I’m pretty damn sure that you’re one of my soulmates, too. But I don’t love you desperately nor do I love you how I love Maya – obviously. Does that make sense?”

“It does.” She winked at me through the phone before continuing, “How do you love me then?”

“Purposefully.”

The crack in my voice caused her eyes to shoot open, “Emmy – “

I smiled with my eyes while speaking, “I love you like it’s what I was put on this planet to do. That with the time we’ve been given, I never want you to question how I feel about you. I love you tenaciously because the thought of letting you go physically hurts my chest to consider. I love you resolutely, without waver, because next to you, I feel the same. You make me feel protected and safe and beautiful. And the older I get, the more that I understand that love to me means more than an expression of desire or affection. Love is an action more than a feeling, especially for the two of us. Of course, I love you. But now I’m learning how to love you, how to fill you with as much promise as you fill me. How to love you through this, through your struggle. How to love you through it all. You know?”

“I know.” Alison paused, though I noted her eyes moving behind their lids as if deep in thought, “I love you beyond myself. I think this is the first time I’ve done that. It took me a long time to truly love myself. To accept myself with my current flaws while still looking to improve. And so now, I know that love is reciprocal. Through loving myself, I can love you more selflessly, and if you do the same in return, we are consistently providing support. So, I love you beyond myself. I love you regardless of circumstance, Emily.” She opened her eyes subtlely to look at my reaction. “And I don’t have a question in my mind that you’re my soulmate. I see it every time I look at you, and my heart skips a beat. I feel it when your arms are wrapped around me at night, and I’ve never felt more secure. I hear it when I say your name, and I know that I want your name of the edge of my lips for the rest of my life.”

She placed her thumb against her lips, as though attempting to hold back more. Not wanting to press forward, knowing that if she continued to speak, she would move into territory we had agreed not to go until the end of next month. But I could feel it. I knew the words she wanted to say. The longer she looked at me, the more sincere her eyes became. The more her lips turned at their edges as though getting lost in me.

“I’m happy we can talk this way. It makes all of this distance more palatable.” She whispered, closing her eyes again as if paining her to mention.

“I’ll be with you in 4 days.”

“And then 2 days later, we’ll be apart again.”

“Alison…”

“No, it’s alright. It’s just kind of scary.” Alison rubbed underneath her eyes, willing no tears to slip out. “I had every desire to see Nana more, but distance gets in the way of so much, Emmy. For as great as this conversation is, imagine how much closer we would be if we lived in the same fucking city. If we lived together. If we fell asleep every night with the other next to us. It’s like I want to be _with_ you, but there is always this barrier.”

“You’re not going to lose me to the distance, Alison. I’m not going anywhere.”

“How do you know that though? How can you predict that? I thought I had more time with Nana. I thought Jacob had more time with her.”

I could feel her starting to lose herself in the worry. Just like Halloween. Just like the day she introduced me to her family. Her thoughts were beginning to swarm. I understood what she was saying though. The distance scared me too. Not because I thought it would break us apart, but because I knew that in some ways my ability to be there for her was limited. I hated feeling limited.

“Can you sit up with me, baby? I think you’re starting to panic.” Alison curled into herself as she sat up, leaning over her at her waist to hold herself together. “We’re going to breathe together, okay? Count with me. One, two, three, four, five, six.” I paused.

“Seven, eight, nine, ten.”

“Perfect. Want to look in my eyes, Ali? Look at me. I am calm. You have nothing to panic about. I am right here. The world is okay. You’re stressed out and tired and grieving, but you are okay. You are safe, and you are right here with me. Is there a painting in your room?” She nodded, her eyes growing wide. “Describe it for me. Tell me all about it.”

“It’s a landscape of trees. The colors are blue and white and cream.”

“How many trees are there?”

“Well, there’s two different types. Some of them have white bark and the others are more traditional. The white trees are tall, like their branches start almost near the tops of the brown trees. But they’re all the same color on top. Three white trees, but the brown ones kind of fade into each other. At least 8.” Her breathing was becoming more contained.

“Perfect. Would we spend the day there?”

She smiled fondly, “I think we would. Well, I’m not sure because the bottom of the painting is kind of abstract and muted. So I’m not sure if there is grass there or if it’s a marsh type place.”

“If there’s grass then we’d be there?”

“Definitely. But a big ‘no’ to the marsh.”

“Can you tell what season it is, beautiful?”

“I’m going to guess Spring. It looks maybe like it’s about to rain. But the colors are strange. In the middle of the trees, the blue is so dense that it looks kind of, black?”

“That’s kind of cool though. They’re versatile trees.”

Alison’s smile started fading into a laugh as I replied, “You can’t even see what I’m looking at.”

“Yeah? But I’m picturing it! Don’t ruin the mood.”

“You’re the best. You know that, right?”

“I do what I can. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you’re okay. Feeling better?”

“My chest is less heavy.”

I watched her exhale as she finished her phrase. And as more oxygen entered her frame, her eyes relaxed as well. She looked a little brighter, a little calmer, a little more like herself. As though I might have helped after all.

“That’s good. Take it one thought at a time. Allow yourself to accept the calm.”

“Do you remember our conversation before our museum date?”

“I do; I was scared about falling for you too quickly.”

“And I helped _you_ not to panic so much.”

“You did.”

“Well, I thought maybe I could tell you a secret like we did at the end of that phone call.”

“I’ll be the only one to hear it?”

“The only one.” She pulled her phone up to her lips before whispering, “I know I said it in one of my letters, but I hope you know that I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Thank you for being mine, Emily.”

And there it was. My full name. The name she claimed to want to say for the rest of her life. She always said it with such care as if she had been waiting her whole life to meet me. To say my name like it was all that mattered in her world. And though that wasn’t completely true for her, in that moment, she was the only thing that mattered in mine.

* * *

I traveled via train to Alison’s Wednesday after work. Though I considered coming on Thanksgiving Day, a bigger part of me wanted to spend the day quietly alone. This weekend would be a lot for all of us as a family, and I needed time to settle in and prepare. I loved the feel of Alison’s home the moment I walked in to turn off the alarm. Exhaling as I sat down my bag, I immediately walked to the fireplace to try and light the candle on the mantle. But as I hit the igniter on the lighter, my pocket began to vibrate.

“You’re calling early…” I muttered into the phone.

She sounded panicked again, “Please tell me that you just entered my home.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Yes, it’s me. I just got in.”

“Thank God! The notification went off but then I saw the alarm code had been entered, so I was immediately confused.”

“I should’ve told you that I was coming tonight instead of tomorrow.”

“You’re fine, Em. It was just startling at first.” After a brief pause, she continued, “Do you have plans tomorrow?”

“Not at all. I wanted to have a day to decompress before this weekend being hectic.”

“You are so sexy when you’re smart.” She jested, sending blush across my cheeks, “I’m spending the day with everyone, and I feel like it will be too much.”

“That’s possible. Make sure to take Friday during the day to yourself, okay?”

“I will. I know Bug will be stuck to my side from the moment you all get into town, so Friday morning will be my reprieve.”

“I know that you’re probably extremely excited to see J, but I seriously cannot wait to be with you again.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. I can split my priorities for you, for sure.”

“Can’t wait, Ali. I love you, and so sorry again for coming up a day early without letting you know.”

“You’re perfectly fine. I love you, too. Talk to you in the morning.”

Instead of a phone call the next morning though, I received a text.

**Hated the idea of you having no plans today, so a small gift is arriving around 11 am. Facetime me then. : D**

**Alison??**

**Facetime me then.**

The doorbell rang just after 10:45, causing me to shuffle to the door. At my feet was a small box with a note attached.

_Hi. My name is Daphne, and I am Alison’s father’s assistant. She asked for me to get this together for you and meet her at the Zoom link below. Happy Thanksgiving!_

Confused, I picked up the box and carried it to the living room table. Picking up my laptop from its charger, I urgently followed the Zoom link to see my lovely girlfriend dressed up on the other side.

“Hi, cutie.”

I immediately reached for my hair, still unbrushed in a mane around my head. “Alison, why didn’t you tell me to get dressed up? You look so good!”

“And you look amazing. This is for later today. For you, I would still be in pajamas for sure.”

“That’s a relief. What’s this all about?”

“It’s our first Thanksgiving, babe. Did you think I was going to miss spending it with you?”

I smirked, “Yes. Yes I did.”

“Well, you’re sorely mistaken, Emily Fields. In your box you’ll find the ingredients for a martini, including a shaker because I do not own one myself, as well as the most traditional southern Thanksgiving foods that I could find on short notice.”

“A martini? It has been _months._ ”

“I know my distaste for liquor has kept you away from your favorite drink. This is my apology.”

“I accept.” She smiled at me with a grin that I could spend forever looking at. It was as though she saw same thing in return.

“You don’t have to eat in front of me at all, but I wanted you to know that I’d give anything to be there with you today. I am most thankful this year for you, so it’s disappointing to not be.”

“It’s okay, baby. I’m most thankful for you too.” I blew a kiss to the screen before we both just sat and stared. “You’re super cute.”

“Can we promise each other something?”

“Of course. What shall we promise?”

“I want us to promise to keep being ‘super cute’ even past the honeymoon phase.”

“Who says the honeymoon phase is ever going to end, Ali?”

“That’s the attitude I was looking for.”

“I promise to keep being cute. To keep showing up for you. To make our time special and important.”

Alison and I talked for an hour before having to say goodbye for the day. But despite feeling thoroughly pampered and taken care of, I still climbed into our bed that night feeling lonely. I spoke with my parents as well, and they reiterated how excited they were to host the two of us for the new year. Even though I spent time with others, the act of not being with them, tangibly with them, made the day feel just as empty as if I hadn’t spoken to them at all. More than anything, it reiterated Alison’s point from earlier in the week: distance got in the way of so much. I had searched my mind for hours over the course of our relationship in attempts to figure out how to eliminate distance from our vocabulary. But without Alison getting a new custody agreement, or me getting a new job, the distance would stay. And with that knowledge, the loneliness stayed. It burrowed. It lingered.

* * *

**A/N: Part 2 will be up on Thursday! Sending love to you all!**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


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